Saving her
by 89Bear98
Summary: Fahri tries to save Alex but in return asks for a favour. Alex disappears and is left with little hope that she can get out of the mess that she's currently in.
1. The Letter

**Saving her**

 _ **Hey everyone, this is my first fanfic ever so I'm a bit nervous to post it.**_ _ **I hope you'll enjoy it. - Alex**_

"Pipes,

I know you will be in shock when you receive this letter because it's been five weeks since there's been any sign of my existence. I can't possibly begin to explain how frustrating, unbearable and lonely these weeks have been. What I can do is make the most of this opportunity to reach out to you because I'm afraid it might be the last time.

Do you remember when we met? That wonderful perfect moment that I wish I was able to relive. Believe me when I say that if I could do it all over again I would cut ties with the drug ring at that specific moment. Cause Pipes, that means there would have been no room for the type of fear, anger and heartbreak I'm sure you're experiencing right now. While trying to get my own emotions in check I've been thinking about yours, a lot. I can't imagine how hard it must be to see me disappear, to feel that I'm gone. I've been pulled out of your life. Our life.

I should have listened to you, that one night. You told me I was too caught up in work. Back then, when I was 25, my only focus was to make as much cash as I could and to reach the top of the hierarchy of the ring. Impressing my boss and letting you experience my power first hand were my number one priority. But I was blind. Now that I'm here I can only think about how much I fucked up. You trusted me, you loved me, and I feel like I betrayed you. Sure, I never cheated, but I deliberately left out details or refused to tell you parts of my story and now I must pay.

Before I disappeared, you told me that you understood that I had to protect myself but that you were angry because I didn't take the risk to tell you what had been going on. Let me tell you, the risk was way too high, I couldn't care less about getting caught and locked up, I just couldn't leave you.

After our first meeting in the bar I took you home and took as much time as needed to make you feel loved. Feather light touches, feeling you up, kissing you, all these things made me realise that you are the one. I know that I'm by no means in a position to promise anything, but I will try to do everything in my power to return to you so that I can touch, feel and kiss you again. I will fight this. Cause Pipes, although it's not in my nature to say this, it's true that my love has been piling up and it's ready to be set free. You're the only one that has the right to receive it and I can't wait to give it to you. If you let me.

If there's one thing I've learned from this isolation than it's that as soon as I'm back, I want you to become my wife. I never thought I'd say this but you Piper, _you_ are the love of my life and I know I've said it numerous of times before, but it'll never be enough:

 _I love you_

I love you and we'll see each other again. Soon. Real soon.

Always yours,

Alex."

 **.**

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 **Chapter 1: The Letter**

Alex, where are you?

This question has been the only one on my mind for the past five weeks. In these weeks I've been searching her all over New York City. Every time a black-haired woman crosses me on the street I yell her name.

"ALEX!"

I ignore all the questioning stares surrounding me and repeat my screams several times, hoping that she finally turns around and comes running straight into my impatiently waiting and slightly trembling arms. Sadly, it never happens.

Alex, you never turn around. The passengers walk on and I'm left with tears streaming down my face all the while crossing my fingers so that sometime, someplace, somewhere I will be able to see you again.

I know you told me that everything would be alright and that I had nothing to worry about, but can you see Alex, it turned out the wrong way. I know why you did it, trust me, I know. But now you are gone and I'm all alone crying myself to sleep whether it's day or night because there is nothing I want more than to escape into a world where you are with me.

My inconvenient racing mind doesn't really help my insomnia as it keeps me busy for hours. Since there is nothing else to do but get up, I open my eyes. It's still dark. For the thousand time I think back to my daily walks into NYC and can't hold myself back from whispering.

"Alex, where are you?" The darkness swallows my words. No answer.

I'm lying in bed, on top of my covers, trying to find a way to calm myself down as the tears resume their journey down my face.

"Alex please just come back to me." Still no answer.

As a kid I used to fear being alone and always needed a light source when sleeping. Now, the dark prevents the light from making itself present, which makes space for me to breathe. Cause the dark means a lack of noise, leaving me in a serene environment to enjoy the comfort of silence. The only sounds are my sporadic huffs, breaths and teardrops rolling down my cheeks that get muted once they land on top of the covers.

When I feel like I can breathe properly I roll on my side and grab my phone.

*Polly Harper – Missed call*

*Nicky Nichols – Missed Calls (2)*

The intrusion of light causes my eyelids to flutter shut. I blink a few times before it's safe to open my eyes fully. I unlock the phone, ignore Polly's call and dial Nicky's number hoping to finally receive some much-needed answers.

Let me tell you, this happens at least three times a day. It's becoming some kind of ritual, I'm guessing Nicky must hate me by now.

As I'm preparing myself to leave her a message the ringing comes to a halt.

"Hey Blondie, I'm glad you're calling back. Was starting to get a bit worried since you didn't call me at the usual hour. How are you? No wait, sorry, stupid question." Nicky mutters incomprehensible words to herself.

"I'm sorry Nicky, I fell asleep on my bed. Well, I mean, you know, _mine and Alex's bed_. Have you heard anything from her? Has she reached out?" I've asked this question so many times now that it seems that every time there's slightly less hope.

"No. I'm sorry Piper."

I sigh heavily as Nicky gives me the inevitable answer.

"Do you wanna hang out tonight? I could come pick you up and we can go to The Shack."

"I'm not sure that's a good idea Nicky."

The Shack is a bar Lorna, Nicky, Alex and I used to visit frequently. It's a place where we could dance, drink and escape from our daily work routines. Since Alex's disappearance I haven't had the desire to go there. I simply refuse to step foot into the bar. Our bar.

"Come on Chapman, I can tell that through all those tears, you're longing for an escape. Let me take care of you. She would kill me if she knew you haven't been out."

Maybe Nicky was right, Alex wouldn't want me to be alone all the time. "Okay fine, I'll go with you. Is Lorna gonna be there?"

"Yeah but she has to work 'till 11pm. Let's say I pick you up at 10:30, that leaves you with an hour to get up and ready."

"That's perfect, thanks Nicky." I can't express how much I value my friendship with Alex's best friend who became a friend of mine over time. She's such a great person.

"No worries Blondie, anything to see you drunk and dancing all up on me." Nicky laughs.

Let me take my earlier comment back. She's not all that great. "Fuck you Nicky! God! That happened one time! You promised to never bring it up again."

Nicky continues to laugh through the phone.

"If you remember correctly it was Alex who made you take the promise so if she were here she would back me up anytime." I smile when remembering the awkward incident and Alex's jealous behaviour.

"Well, as long as you remember that I have an official girlfriend now. See you later _not lesbian_!" Nicky jokes.

"Bye Nick!"

With an evening to actually look forward to I climb out of bed and walk towards the bathroom to take a much-needed shower. The water warms my body and the scent of the shampoo floats in the air. The smell takes me back to all the times Alex walked into the bathroom to undress herself quickly, so she could join me under the heavenly stream.

I close my eyes and for a second, I swear I can hear her voice.

" _I'm glad we have each other kid."_

…..

When I open my eyes all I can see is the dark. My feet are cold, hands are tied together, and I feel like I'm alone. Fear, anger, hurt, sadness, you name it, all these feelings have found their way into my life these past few weeks. Now, in this moment, the only thing I can feel is calmness. I try to count the days again. Has it been weeks? How long have I been here? I've been trying to keep track of the amount of days that I've been here but somewhere around 25 I lost my count. I'm not even sure that the first day I counted was in fact the very first day of my disappearance. By shifting my position I feel the strain on my hands. It must be dark outside since the gleam of daylight that is normally visible under the door is absent. Usually they enter the room when it is turning dark to untie my hands, so I can get some descent sleep. As descent as it can possibly be.

I never would have thought that I would end up here. Of all the scenario's I'd imagined this clearly wasn't one of them. Jail, prison or a life with Piper have crossed my mind but I never would have thought that my encounter with Fahri would lead me here, all alone in this dark room.

Piper must be so scared because she has no clue as to where I am. At least I know that I'm alive. As I ponder on this thought I feel a tear running down my cheek. My Pipes, I miss you. I can feel my shoulders shaking as a stream of tears escapes. I can't hold them back anymore. I cry for myself, this shitty situation and most of all I cry for Piper. I want to reach out to her to let her know that I'm ok. Well, not really ok but at least I'm alive, that counts for something, right?

I must hold back a new stream of tears when footsteps resonate through the hallway. The heavy sounds stop in front of my door. Soon the lock clicks and the door opens. The room fills with light.

A tall dark man stands in the doorway. "Even after all this time you still seem to be as hot as you did when they first threw you in here."

"Thanks, I guess, but I have to say, I'm all gay all the time so I'll never fuck you." Shit Vause, you must cut that shit out. My arrogance might kill me for sure.

"I'm happy to see that you still have a sense of humour. Most people would have cracked by now, but I warn you, don't try that shit with the other guards, they'll slit your throat. Lucky for you, I'm a decent human being. Now, turn around so I can untie your hands."

"Alright mister Nobody, I'm ready to be freed." I try to stand up but fail miserably. The guard steps closer and puts his hands on the rope around my hands.

"Don't pull any stunts on me Vause or I will inform them that they never have to try to untie you again."

I nod and feel the rope slipping from my wrists. As soon as they are freed from the tight grasp I wriggle them around to get rid of the tingling feeling. I can hear the guard standing up and making his way over to the door.

"Have a good night."

I don't bother to reply as the door falls shut with a loud bang. As soon as the door is closed the light in the hallway is gone and the room is dark once again. I feel around and stumble upon the edge of the bed. I lay myself down and close my eyes and think to myself _maybe, just maybe I'll be free by tomorrow night._

…..

"Chapman you there?" Nicky bangs her fists on the front door of my apartment. "I swear to god Piper, I have to pee really urgently so if you don't open the door I'll be forced to squad in the hallway and I'm afraid you won't necessarily appreciate that gesture."

When hearing her threats loud and clear, I run out of the bathroom and rush to the front door. You never know what Nicky is capable of. I've seen that girl doing some crazy shit.

"Finally! What took you so long? Ready to go?" She pushes past me and steps into my living room carrying a heavy air of nonchalance with her.

"Uh hello? You said you had to pee? The bathroom is free." I point my hand in the direction of the toilet.

"Nah, that was just a necessary distraction to get you out of your beauty case. Last time I was here, as you may seem to remember, I had to wait 20 minutes before you opened the door. Today I'm not in the mood to wait cause Lorna's shift is almost over and I'm ready to get drunk. And by that, I mean wasted So, get your stuff and then we can rush to the car."

I roll my eyes and take my shoes by the front door to put them on.

"I'll get my wallet, it's in the bedroom and then I'll be good to go."

I walk to the bedroom and close the door to have a minute to myself. I pick up my jacket from the ground and walk over the night table to take my wallet. As I'm about the reach my wallet I glance at the framed picture that sits nicely next to my bedside lamp. I inhale a deep breath and take a long look at the photo. In the picture Alex is kissing my cheek while I'm looking at the camera with a big smile on my face.

"I'm doing this for you my love. Tonight, I'll be dancing for you." I whisper to myself.

I kiss Alex's image and run my finger over her face before I put the frame down and walk out of the door.

Soon I jump into Nicky's car and before we know it we're in The Shack. Lorna heads towards our booth with a tray full of beer and tequila shots. _This is going to be a long night._ With this thought in mind I down two shots in a row.

"Whoa Chapman, you never cease to amaze me. Lorna, Piper here is already in need of a refill."

"I'll be right back. There are other customers by the bar. Just give me another ten minutes and then my shift is over, and we can get this party started." Lorna kisses Nicky on her cheek before she heads towards the bar.

"So Chapman, when are you going back to work? I'm sure they are missing you in that bookstore of yours."

"Actually, I closed the shop down the day she disappeared. I want to focus on finding Alex. If I were the one to be missing she would have quit her job in an instant to come and look for me." I take a big gulp of my beer.

"Yeah, true. But you must let the police do their job. They will find her but, in the meantime, I think it'll be a good idea if you find yourself a distraction. Work might be just that."

During Nicky's speech I wasted no time and downed the rest of my beer.

"And maybe you wanna take it down a notch, we've been here for like ten minutes and you already finished half the tray. I know I told you to get drunk but we've got plenty of time to get there." Nicky winks.

I run my hands over my thighs impatiently. "I can't."

Nicky looks at me questioningly.

"I can't just sit here and not be drunk. The whole time I see you and Lorna together my heart breaks over and over. And it's not your faults." I push my hair out of my face. "I miss her Nicky. Every time the door of the bar opens I imagine that the tall, hot love of my life comes through."

"I knew she's the love of your life." Nicky smirks.

"So please Nicky." I continue. "Tonight, I need to drink as much as I can to try and forget that she's out there. I'm gonna pretend that she's here. With us."

Nicky's face falls and a sad expression takes over. "Okay." It's barely audible.

I stand up from the booth and walk towards the middle of the bar to the dancing crowd. I motion for Nicky to join me as I throw my arms in the air and start to sway my hips to the rhythm of the music. The alcohol starts to kick in and every now and then it feels as if Alex's fingers touch a part of my body, guiding me through the dance.

She doesn't think I notice it but it's obvious that the whole night Nicky keeps an eye on me to make sure that I'm okay. Around 2am I've had many refills and am still dancing when the DJ speaks through the microphone.

"The following hour I will be taking requests so make your way over to my table and have the night of your life."

There is no hesitation as I instantly know which song I want to hear blasting through the speakers. I look at the DJ and see that no one is approaching him, so I try my luck.

"Hey you." I yell. "I have a suggestion." I grab the edge of a table to make sure that I don't stumble over.

"Hey beautiful, what song would you like to hear?"

I tell him the request.

"Do you want me to introduce your song in a special way?"

I put my hand on his shoulder and get my mouth close to his ear.

"Alright beautiful, in about five minutes I'll be playing your request." He winks.

I make my way over to Lorna and Nicky and encourage them to join me on the dance floor. Lorna's excitement persuades Nicky into joining the both of us. Soon we're all having a great time and are letting our hips speak for themselves.

"Alright everyone, how are we doing?" The DJ speaks in the mic once again.

The crowd yells to answer his question.

"Few minutes ago, a stunning lady came to me and asked me to play a very special song. Alex, she said, this one is for you my love." Soon an up-tempo version of ' _Miguel's – The pussy is mine'_ starts playing.

"Damn Blondie, if Alex were here she'd eat you out right here in the middle of all those people." Lorna slaps Nicky playfully on the arm.

The three of us keep dancing until 5am.

"Chapman, Lorna is tired as fuck so we're out of here. I'll drop you off by your apartment."

When I'm at my building I wave Nicky and Lorna goodbye and watch them riding off. I must steady myself against the wall a few times as I make my up to the apartment. This time my mind is blank, and I fall asleep on Alex's side, clutching her cushion in my arms.

When waking up I have no clue of how long I slept, the only thing I can think is _fuck._ This headache Is unbearable. As if someone is drilling a hole in my skull. I give myself another few minutes but since I don't fall back to sleep I gather the courage to open my eyes and glance at the clock, 11.45am.

Since it's a decent hour to get up I throw my legs off the mattress and stumble towards the bathroom to get some painkillers. Feeling that my legs have trouble to keep me upright I grab the bottle and make my way back to bed. The pills help to ease my mind. I'm about to drift off when my phone starts buzzing. I sigh heavily. Slamming my arm into my night table, I hurt myself and grab my phone.

*Polly Harper – Incoming call*

Shit, fucking shit. I let the phone buzz but after a few seconds I make up my mind. Fine, I'll answer.

"For fuck sakes Polly."

"Wow, easy tiger. I guess you had a rough night. I'm sorry that I'm your best friend and that I wanna look out for you. How are you doing?"

"Sorry Pol, having a major hangover." I sit up against the headboard and wave a of nausea takes over. I lay my forehead and the crook of my free arm. "I find it hard to say how I'm doing but if I'm really honest, this headache is nothing compared to what I've been feeling these past couple of days."

"Have you returned to work? I think it could help to take your mind of things."

"I'm not sure Polly, I guess I could go back since it's my own shop but somehow I don't think that getting back to be an accountant manager will help me get through the day."

"You could switch jobs you know since you own the place. Maybe hire someone to do the accountancy and start working as a seller. You'd have to talk to people all day so there won't be any time to think about her. And besides, I don't think that keeping the store closed is the best option."

I wait a few seconds before I answer. "I'll think about it."

We continue to make small talk until Polly must go back to work.

…..

"Rise and shine Vause."

Where am I? Oh right, back in this tiny, disgusting and now bright room. I open my eyes and see last night's guard leaning against the door.

"I'm here to bring you breakfast, well actually a representation of something I'm not entirely sure of what it's supposed to be." He shows me the plastic plate with a brown mass on top of it.

I take the plate and scrunch my nose. "What the fuck is that supposed to be?" My face grimaces.

"Well Alex, it's as close to breakfast as it can be. I want to encourage you to at least try and eat it. I know I'm not supposed to say this, but you look really skinny and pale."

I'm glad to hear that at least someone here is trying to sound as if he cares about me.

"Well, I must say that being skinny or pale is not unusual for me." I say while laughing at my own joke. "But anyways, thanks I guess. I'll try to shove it down my throat."

"Good. I'm also here to inform you that since your behaviour has been rather on the good side I have the honour to cheer you up. The boss said that it's no longer necessary to tie your hands. Also, tomorrow you'll be lent the privilege to write a letter to reach out to someone by your choice."

"Thanks, I guess." I don't want to sound too hopeful.

"The details and rules will be given to you. Enjoy your added freedom." The guard leaves and the lights are being turned off.

Although I try to stay rational I can't stop my brain from going in overdrive. As soon as his words left his mouth my head started working in overdrive.

A letter.

Piper.

I can let her know that I'm alive. As the excitement takes over I can't shake the feeling that maybe this is all some sick trick to get to me. To fuck me over and to fuck up my head. To get me at their mercy. Maybe tomorrow they'll let me know that this letter is one I should use to say goodbye. Maybe they're gonna kill me and they'll never deliver my words. The ones I desperately need her to hear because they are the ones I never spoke aloud.

I try to calm myself down and know that I must hope for the best.

The food is long forgotten. The plate lays on the cold concrete floor. The only thing keeping me busy for the rest of the day is me looking for the right words to tell her what I need her to know.

 _I'm coming back to you Pipes, I have to._


	2. She's gone

**Chapter 2: She's gone**

 _"How may I help you ma'am?"_

 _The police station looks just like I imagined it to be, white walls, bulletin boards, desks and corridors that could easily turn the place into a labyrinth. The only thing that's missing is a Minotaur. The fluorescent light gives the building a grizzled and uncomfortable appearance. Faint sounds of talking people fill the space. On my left is a wall covered in posters of missing people, lost pets, posters about suicide prevention and phone numbers of all kinds of administrations. The waiting room on my right is filled with people that are all tired of waiting until the number on their ticket pops up on the TV-screen, so they get called into one of the offices down the hall. My elbows are currently placed on top of the counter of the entrance hall of the New York Police Department._

 _"Ma'am you ok?"_

 _I can't do anything but stare at the woman in front of me. She's sitting behind her desk, looking at her computer screen. She probably encounters dozens of women and men who give up their loved ones as missing persons, so it shouldn't make me nervous. Still, it's terrifying to know that once those words leave my mouth she will open a file and title it: 'Alex Vause'. For a second, I think I might run off._

 _As the woman repeats her question her head snaps up in my direction and she looks me straight in the eye._

" _Yeah, uhm, I'm sorry. It's been a long and stressful day." I begin to ramble. "I'm here to report a missing person." I intertwine my fingers and feel the sweat on my hands._

" _May I have your ID please?"_

 _I reach into my purse and open my wallet. As I'm about to give her my ID I see a glimpse of the photograph Alex placed inside. I take my ID out of the leather compartment and hand it over._

" _Thank you." She types a few things in the computer. "Alright, you can have your ID back and I'm going to give you a ticket. Take a seat in the waiting room and an officer will be with you as soon as possible."_

 _I grab the ticket and am on my way to take a seat on one of the empty chairs._

 _This is it. Now it's real._

…..

Yesterday Diane called me to invite me over for dinner. She's just as broken over the disappearance of Alex as I am. As much as I love Nicky, Diane's comfort is the kind I seek. Don't get me wrong, Nicky is a wonderful friend and I wouldn't trade her for the world but most of the times she finds it too hard to talk about her emotions. She basically dodges every conversation about her best friend. And that's okay for now, if that's how she copes but that doesn't mean that there must come a time in which she has to admit that she's afraid and misses Alex. She must stop building a wall around herself. I truly hope that Lorna can break through her walls and can get her to talk to her.

In contrast to Nicky I want to talk about Alex almost constantly. Which I can imagine must be frustrating for my environment from time to time. But then I ask myself, how would they be if they were in my shoes?

I step out of my car and walk to the front of Diane's house. Alex bought it for her when she was 26. Ever since she joined the drug ring she's supporting Diane financially. She wanted to get Diane out of that miserable neighbourhood where she grew up. I couldn't be prouder of her.

As I'm standing in front of her door my thoughts begin to wander. When Diane moved in Alex and I helped her. To say that Alex distracted me would be an understatement.

" _Alex can you help me with these?" Diane stands on the sidewalk and struggles to carry three boxes at the same time._

" _Jeez mom, I told you to wait for me." Alex smirks and Diane laughs when Alex points out her mother's stubbornness towards getting older._

 _All the while I'm looking at the two women who look so alike. The interaction between them never fails to bring a smile on my face. I often wonder if it would be possible for me and my own mother to have this wonderful relationship._

" _Hey Pipes." Alex jogs towards me as she returns from the house. "Are you gonna help me or are you gonna continue to lean against the car while looking at my hot ass?" She winks playfully as she picks up the next box and puts it in my hands._

 _My face becomes beet red and when she walks away with a lamp in hand she makes sure to sway her hips a bit more than necessary._

"Piper dear, you okay?"

I shake my head to get rid of the emotions that surfaced while I was daydreaming on her doorstep. I close my eyes for a second before looking up and seeing Diane standing right in front of me.

"I'm fine, thank you." I try to compose myself and give her a hug.

"Come in, would you like a cup of coffee? Maybe tea?"

"Yes, a cup of coffee please, that'll be great." I smile politely.

I walk into the hallway and avoid several pictures of Alex and I that cover the wall. I follow Diane into the kitchen and take a seat at the dining table. Diane is making coffee while I fidget with my hands.

"How are you holding up?" I ask her.

"I'm doing the best I can. I go to work, I do groceries, I invite friends over, take trips and try not to think about her for too long. I find it a good strategy. When I found out that Alex was part of a drug ring I did the same. Just anything to keep myself busy. I was so scared that something would happen to her. It's kind of ironic that she was safer being a part of the ring then when she quit. I prepared myself to get a call that she was busted and that she would be send to prison but I never imagined you calling to tell me that she disappeared."

Although it's been 5 weeks it feels as if it was yesterday when I called her to tell her the horrible news.

" _Hey Piper, it's been a while since you called. How are you two doing? Alex working too hard as usual I guess?"_

 _I can hear Diane smiling into the phone. This makes it just that much harder for me to know that I'm about to crush her world. I know that I need to explain what happened. I can't get myself to answer her question and am sure she can hear me sniffing into the phone by now._

" _Piper are you okay?"_

 _She can definitely hear me crying. No doubt about it. Her voice shifted from joyful to concerned in a few seconds. Harsh sobs overtake me, and my breath becomes irregular._

" _Piper honey try to calm down. Whatever it is, you can tell me what happened. Did Alex do anything? Because I swear she would never hurt you intentionally." It's almost scary how much she sounds like Alex._

 _My voice is barely louder than a whisper when I speak. "She's gone."_

" _What do you mean? Where did she go?"_

" _I don't know Diane, she told me everything would be fine and that she'd be back." I wipe my face with my sleeve but soon enough it's as wet as it was before._

" _Tell me exactly what happened." The concern in Diane's voice keeps growing until it gets replaced by complete fear and uncertainty._

" _I don't know what happened. Alex told me she'd take care of everything. She said that Fahri messed up and that she had to take care of the mess or she'd risk going to prison."_

" _Jesus Christ." Diane mutters._

" _That was four days ago. I know Alex made me promise to never call the police but there was nothing else I could do. I had to tell them that Alex is missing. She would never leave, not like that. I know her." I'm beyond the point of trying to calm down, the tears keep on streaming and I'm about to have a panic attack. It's as if a huge wave is going to knock me off my feet._

" _Piper dear, you did the right thing. I know this could bring Alex into great danger but as you say yourself, there was nothing left to do. I know for sure that Alex loves you too much to just disappear on her own. She would never do that so I'm sure she's in real danger. You did the right thing."_

"Have you heard anything from her?" Diane takes a seat in front of me.

I wrap my hands around the hot coffee mug that Diane just put in front of me. I take a second to think about her question. There is nothing more that I want but to tell her that there is a new piece of information, but sadly, there is none. There's nothing left to do but tell the truth.

"No. The police stopped their search after a week. There's nothing else to do but to wait for her to come back or to wait for a body to show up." As I say that last sentence I look down at the mug, preparing myself for what I'm about to say. "I'm scared."

Diane lays her hand on top of mine.

"I'm scared that she's gone. That's she's never coming back. Last week I called Nicky in the middle of the night because I couldn't sleep. I asked her if she thought Alex was still alive. Do you know what she said?"

Diane shakes her head.

I take a deep breath. "She said that I should prepare myself for the worst. But, how can I?"

I look Diane in the eye, searching for answers. It's the first time that I find none, she's as lost as I am. For the rest of the night we both try to comfort each other as best as we can. Our main topic is and will always be Alex. The whole night we she the most hilarious, memorable and stupid stories we have. Alex never leaves our minds. Diane reminds me a lot of her.

 _Being in her presence is the closest I can get to Alex._

At 11pm I leave to go home. Tomorrow I go back to work. It has been five weeks and I finally decided that I should take up on Polly and Nicky's advice. It might be good to be around people and to keep myself busy.

…..

I'm stupid.

Fucking stupid. How did my life turn this bad? I had everything I ever desired. I had an amazing girlfriend, a job I enjoyed and a close group of friends and my mom. But the moment Fahri walked into my office my whole world turned upside down resulting in me being where I'm now. Sitting down on a concrete floor with a sack wrapped around my head. It's worse enough that I don't have my glasses but now that the sack is preventing the light to come through I'm back in the dark.

My decision to leave the drug ring was the best and worst of my life. Piper insisted that I quit. She was tired of living in fear, she couldn't bear knowing that at any point I could land my ass in prison. Don't get me wrong, she enjoyed all the travelling we did but when shit got real and my days became longer she begged me to stop. She wanted a normal life. So, I listened, I quit the ring. I traded Kubra 15million dollars for my life and freedom. I was left with 2.7 million to start my life with Piper. Although that's a shit ton of money I couldn't shake the feeling that I would never encounter massive amounts of cash. But I did it, I did it for her.

I guess that counted as ultimate proof for the time I told Nicky that Piper was different from all the girls I met and spent the night with through the years.

Piper believed that after I quit everything was fine. I just needed to find a job and we would be happy. And so, I did, I started working as a bartender, but the happiness went as soon as it came. The high, the rush and the money, I was used to it all. They were all on my mind constantly and I couldn't help but want it back, it's as if I needed it to breathe.

For weeks I considered calling Kubra to tell him that I wanted a clean slate. I would have begged him for an opportunity to start over. One evening, I felt so extremely unhappy that I held the phone in hand and was about to call him when Piper stormed into the bedroom. She was all excited, rambling about a guy she met. He came by her store to ask if he could leave flyers for a new project. He was looking for people who were interested in starting their own business. I jumped on the idea and went to business school for a year, so I could join in on the project. See here, just when I turned 27, the birth of _Vause And Associates,_ my very own computer business. It's nothing like the drug ring but at least it challenged me enough to keep me interested.

It was all going great, but now, right in this moment, it feels like that life is over. I'm 29 and frightened for my life. I never should have trusted him, I should have known that somehow Fahri would fuck me over, intentionally or not.

"So Vause, we're here. I'm gonna lead you to a new cell and the boss will be with you in a few moments to give you instructions regarding that letter." A guy helps me out of the van.

He holds his hand on my arms as he guides me. We walk approximately 100 metres, then we turn right and walk up a staircase. We continue to walk for a few minutes before he lets go of my arm and a lock clicks. A door slides open and he walks me into a room. He pushes me down on a chair and makes sure that I'm not able to see anything through the sack. Before I'm able to say anything the door closes. It really comes in handy that I have excellent listening skills.

Although I can't see anything around me it's necessary that I come off as being calm and confident. I can't let my nerves get the better of me. Sadly, it doesn't help that the whole night I've been tossing and turning, thinking about the letter. By now I know exactly what I need to write. There is a real possibility that they're gonna end my life, so I need to use this letter wisely.

Suddenly the door opens, and faint voices fill the room, still, they're too distinct to comprehend the exact words.

"Alright Vause, I'm the one who's in charge here. I know one of my guards informed you of the letter. I hope that you realise what a privilege this is. You should be grateful. My two companions will remove the sack around your head and as soon as I'm gone they will give you a pen and two pages. You can write whatever you want although there are a few exceptions. You can't write anything about where you've been, where you are now or who you've met. You cannot leak any information about your situation. If we catch you writing anything of such form, we will cut your throat and make sure that the receiver of that letter will never get to experience any kind of closure. Is that clear?"

I must clear my throat before answering. "Yes sir." My voice is hoarser and deeper than usual. It frightens me a bit.

"Good. Oh, one last order. We need you to write the letter as if it's your last. We wouldn't want to give Piper too much hope, wouldn't we?" He laughs disgustingly and leaves the room.

Someone grabs my head. There's nothing I can do but to surrender myself to the situation. Once the sack is the removed the so-called companions leave the room and I pick up the pen in front of me and start writing as fast as I can. They never gave me a time indication, so I can't risk them coming in after 5 minutes and taking the paper away.

I'm so caught up in writing that it takes me a while before something dawns on me. How the fuck does he know Piper's name? Panic starts to rise immediately. My throat closes, and my eyes feel puffy. If he knows Piper's name, then that means that she's in danger. But I can't take the risk to warn her in the letter. I'm useless. I'm no good. Normally I'm the strong one but all the emotions of the past weeks are starting to weigh on me. I'm feeling overwhelmed and I want nothing more to finish this letter and curl into a ball. Just pretending that I'm somewhere, preferably in my old apartment, with Piper.

I finish the letter and open the envelope on the table to put it inside. When I'm about to put it in something the size of photographs catches my eye. I pull them out and turn them around to take a look. I jump up and freak out immediately. I walk backwards until my back touches the wall. I turn around, facing the concrete and punch my fist into the grey surface. It hurts so fucking much but I can't stop, I don't care if I happen to break my hand. The tears stream down my face and I let go of all the anger. Before I completely destroy my hand, I snatch the pictures of the table and let myself slide down the wall until I sit on the floor. I my hands are photographs of Piper. All the pictures contain Piper who's being followed by the same man. Now I know for sure, they know who she is, they know who I am, and they are here to destroy my life. Our life.

…..

"Nicky open the fucking door!" I keep banging.

When I received my mail this morning and saw the familiar handwriting, all capitals, I couldn't contain myself. I jumped straight into the car and drove to Nicky. I probably broke ten speed limits and will be receiving more tickets than I can count but I couldn't care less. When I took my mail out of the box this morning, in that moment, all that mattered was Alex. Time stood still.

"Nicky, please, open the damn door! This can't wait!" The side of my fist turns into a slight blue color. "I swear to god, I don't care what you're doing. Please let me in."

Footsteps near the door. "Jeez Chapman, you sure know how to wake a girl up. Turn down the volume will ya. Lorna's still sleeping."

Nicky opens the door and I step into the hallway. "I really hope you have a good reason to wake me up because I had other plans this morning. And I can tell ya, they definitely didn't involve you." She smirks.

I take the letter out of my pocket and shove it in her hands. "Nicky it's her!"

Nicky looks confused. "What do you mean it's her? How do you from who it is? The seal isn't broken?" She raises an eyebrow. It's clear no one can do it the way Alex could.

"This letter, it's from Alex. It's her handwriting. I'm hundred percent sure!" I point at the envelope in her hands. I'm out of breath and wouldn't surprise me if I fainted any second now. Nicky notices my wobbling legs and sits me down on the couch in the living room.

"Piper calm down. You don't know for sure until you open it."

I look at Nicky and try to control my breath. "I couldn't open it on my own. As soon as I saw it I rushed to get here. I need someone beside me to hold my hand while I read it. Please Nicky, will you be here?" I look at Nicky with pleading eyes.

"Sure, I'll sit next to you and peak over your shoulder but I'm not gonna hold your hand. I know we're all lesbians, but Alex wouldn't have any of that." Nicky chuckles but I can't get myself to laugh with her joke. This is too serious.

"Ok, I'm ready, I'm going to open it, but I need you to read it with me."

Nicky takes a place beside me on the couch. I unfold the letter and soon I finish reading the first paragraph.

" _Pipes,_

 _I know you will be in shock when you receive this letter because it's been five weeks since there's been any sign of my existence. I can't possibly begin to explain how frustrating, unbearable and lonely these weeks have been. What I can do is make the most of this opportunity to reach out to you because I'm afraid it might be the last time._

I touch the letter with the tip of my index finger. Tears spill from me eyes. If this is how this letter will continue than I certainly can't read the rest. It's too painful. How has this become my reality. My mind is racing and the only image that comes up is Alex sitting in a dirty room, looking ill, writing this particular letter.

"Nicky, I can't do this. I can't. I can't continue." Every other word my breath hitches.

"Piper listen, Alex wrote this especially for you. Out of all people she chose you. She needs you to read this." Nicky rubs my back and tries to comfort me as best as she can.

I take several deep breaths before I find the courage to grab the letter back up to continue reading.

"I guess this is good news." Nicky blurts out after she finishes reading.

"Good news? What the fuck Nicky, good news would be her standing on my doorstep telling me that she's back for good." I fold the letter and put it back in my pocket. Anger rises quickly. How can she say such a thing?

"At least you know that she's alive."

"Oh, so I should just settle now that I know that she's alive?" I laugh incredulously.

"That's not what I'm saying."

"I know I should be glad, but you know as much as I do that she's still in danger." I take out my phone and dial Diane's number. "I should tell her, maybe she received another letter."

The phone rings, after a minute it goes straight to voicemail.

"This is the voicemail of Diane Vause, please leave me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible."

I stand up and pace up and down the room.

"Hey Diane, it's Piper, you have to call back. She reached out to me, Alex sent me a letter. I wanted to ask you if you got any mail from her. Maybe she reached out to the both of us. She doesn't give any information on her whereabouts, but I can feel that she's scared. Please call me back." I end my message and walk back to the couch.

All the commotion must have woken Lorna, she's standing next to Nicky in the kitchen. Seeing her wrap her arm around her girlfriend makes me long towards the moment I can experience the same thing with Alex again. Us playing housewives. My heart flutters when I remember her words, she wants to marry me. It makes me love her that much more, knowing that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I know that I shouldn't get my hopes up but the fact that she wrote that she'll be back, soon, very soon… It warms my heart and I'm starting to calm down.

"Piper, I think your phone is ringing." Lorna points at the pocket of my jeans.

I snap back to reality and take my phone out. "Hey Diane, thanks for calling. Did you get my message?"


	3. Still missing

**Chapter 3: Still Missing**

Cold. My jacket spreads its warmth around me as it pushes me further into its fur and hugs my whole body. It protects me against the fierce wind that cuts into my skin. My eyes are fixated downwards, tile after tile comes into vision as I keep walking. The street lights shine just enough light that I'm able to see the people passing me by. Did you know New York could be this cold in the winter? Maybe the fact that I'm here in the middle of the night adds to the existing temperatures. I keep putting one foot right in front of the other to keep my pace up. If I were to stop walking I'm sure I will freeze and get lost due to the dark clouds in my mind. The thoughts would keep on coming and eventually they would make me unable to move or think. I never thought things would turn out the way they did. I knew love could hurt but I never would have guessed that it was able to destroy me. I'm trying to get back up. So far so good. Planning dinners, going to the movies, enjoying a run, hanging out with friends…I've been doing my best. It's starting to feel normal doing it all by myself.

The apartment is too spacious, too clean, too lonely. She always used to fill it with clutter, she just _loved_ having her things around. Endless piles of books and CD's, her clothes thrown everywhere. A smile spreads across my face as a small unexpected laugh escapes through my freezing lips. The couple that passes me on the street smiles back at me.

"Have a great night!" The man waves.

"You too!" I nod my head politely and smile.

The man pulls his hand down and intertwines his fingers with those of the woman beside him. I keep on walking and pass numerous of bars and restaurants. Sometimes I take a pause and put my hands around my eyes, pressing them against a window to look inside. I make up stories when I see people who are laughing and drinking the night away. Oh, how I wish I were able to experience those nights again.

After two hours roaming the streets I return to my apartment. I take off my scarf, hat and jacket. A shiver runs through me as I try to shake off the cold. I step inside, close the door and look around the living room. Maybe it's time to repaint and refurnish the place to make a new start. As hard as it is, I know it must be done. There's still this hope that everything will get back to how it was. That one day, at six in the morning the buzzer will go off, that I sprint to the front, sway the door open and that she'll stand there in one piece. But this scenario is starting to feel more surreal than it ever did. These last few months I gradually lost all hope. At first, I was certain that she would return but after eight months I started doubting my own trust. And now, at this exact moment, one year after her disappearance, I'm at the point of no return. I'm pretty sure she's never coming back.

There's no point in lying to myself anymore.

…..

"So how is she doing?"

"I don't know Lorna, I haven't seen or spoken to her in three weeks. We fought as you may seem to remember. But I do know that it's still hard on her."

Nicky is hanging out at Lorna's job at The Shack. Nicky's head is in her hands as she tries to get the words out. She takes a big gulp from the beer in front of her. At first Lorna was concerned with Nicky, she shut everyone off and at some point, she even tried to deny Alex's existence. But now, Lorna was getting frustrated and angry, some days Nicky was all bright and shiny and the next she would fall in a deep depressive state of mind. She felt bad for everything that happened, she also lost a good friend, but the way Nicky handled or better _not_ handled it all was getting to her.

"Nicky, you know I love you right? You can talk to me. I know the alcohol has been keeping you company, but I can't seem to wonder that it must have crossed your mind to start using again. I want you to know that whatever happens, I'm here. I'm not gonna leave you. But please, just talk to me. Tell me how you feel."

"Tell you how I feel?" Shit, the amount of alcohol she consumed was taking its toll. "Well I'll tell you. I, uh.., I feel like shit. I feel like I'm a shitty colleague, a shitty girlfriend but the worst part is that I'm the most horrible best friend ever. I should win a 'best at abandoning your friend' award cause of all people that I met in my life, of all the people I wish that would fuck off, in the end Vause is the one to leave me and I feel like it's my own fucking fault. Wait, let me rephrase that, it just _is_ my fucking fault. And I can't begin to tell you how many times I touched a baggy of H this past twelve months. Every time I'm about to open it I picture her looking at me, telling me 'Nicky don't you fucking dare' so I never actually use any." Nicky is getting worked up by now, she throws her hands in the air and they land back on the table with an enormous force, all the anger is pouring out of her. Lorna looks at her and tries to comfort her by putting her hands on her arms, but Nicky snatches them back.

" _Vause, get off of me."_

 _Alex is seventeen years old and is currently lying on her bed trying to reach the joint that's between Nicky's fingers. In an attempt to grab the awaiting pleasure Alex falls on top of her._

 _"Fuck off Nichols, give me that shit."_

 _"Don't you dare touch me! This here…" Nicky points to her body and accentuates the presence of her boobs. "is all reserved for that hot brunette that's coming over tonight."_

"Don't touch me Lorna. You know that I love you, but you shouldn't love me back, I'm a fucked-up person who did some fucked up shit and now my best friend is gone with the wind and I don't even know if she's dead or alive. I don't think she's coming back, even Chapman believes she's gone forever. We are both waiting for her body to show up so we can have some shit kind of closure."

After that last sentence Nicky's tears fall from her eyes. All this time, she never cried, but now the dam has broken loose and she can't seem to stop. Her shoulders are shaking heavily. Lorna takes her by the hand and leads her to the back room. She hugs her as soon as she can and releases the breath that she was holding. Finally, Nicky is showing her true pain, she is acknowledging that the loss of her best friend pains her more than she dares to admit.

…..

This place is starting to feel like home. The walls of the living room and kitchen are freshly painted. The living room is a light red colour while the kitchen is white. I bought a new, deep brown leather couch that stands in the middle of the room. Alex used to want a couch like this, I never understood why she loved them so much, so I always talked her out of buying one but when I saw this particular piece in the store last week, I just had to take it. I almost walked past it but in the far back of my mind I could hear someone say to me 'Pipes, look at that beauty!' so I spun around and saw the brown sofa. Alex always used to act like she was the toughest woman alive, but she had a small heart and knew what she liked.

I took my time to figure out which photograph I wanted to enlarge so I could put it up on the wall. So as of today, between the windows of the living room hangs a framed picture of Alex and me. It's the same picture that used to stand on our nightstand. I know I shouldn't have done it, but I couldn't help myself. I know she isn't coming back but that doesn't mean that she's not a part of my life. She will always be a part of my life.

The rest of the furniture stayed the same I just rearranged them, so they stand in a more practical place. Alex for sure would have never won a price of being the best interior designer. The thought alone makes me chuckle.

I kept all her clothing, books and CD's, if you don't know what happened you would swear that there are two people that live in this apartment. Her books fill the space on the shelves on the other side of the room. It's an open floor plan so whenever I'm cooking I can see them from the corner of my eye.

I'm not planning on changing the bedroom. Whenever I take a deep breath through my nose, I swear I can still smell her, that raven-haired beauty. Polly and Nicky thought it would be good for me to go on dates and get myself laid. Few weeks ago, Nicky had set up a date with a stunning woman, but I couldn't even get myself to shake her hand. It felt like I was betraying Alex. I enjoyed my night but never bothered to call her back.

If you have never been in love the way like I'm in love with Alex you can't understand how I'm feeling. At this time in my life there is no room for a second lover, maybe there will never be. I'm sure I'm not going to stay on my own for the rest of my life but I'll never experience such love again. She is it for me. _Was_ it for me.

…..

"I really like what you've done with the place Piper. It's as if I'm in a totally different apartment . I'm also loving that beautiful picture of you and my daughter." Diane points at the wall between the windows.

Diane and I continue to make small talk while I make us some pasta and a salad. Eventually we sit down at the table and start eating. "How is work?"

"Good, I'm glad I switched jobs, being a cashier at my bookstore really helps me. The social interaction feels good, I'm starting to feel like I'm human again." I take another bite of my pasta.

"Are you still roaming the city at night?" Diane puts her fork and knife down and folds her hands as she's finished her meal.

"No, I quit doing that five months ago. I wouldn't dare to go outside right now, it's too cold." I lie to her. I don't want her to worry about me, she has other things on her mind.

"I saw you a week ago walking around at night. I was out with a friend of mine. You seemed so busy wandering around in your own mind so I didn't want to bother you."

There was no way to talk myself out of this conversation. She saw me. "Yeah, uhm..," I brush my hand through my hair and stand up to put the plates in the sink. Once they are down I turn around and lean my hands against the counter. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lie to you but I don't want you to worry about me."

"I will always worry about you Piper. I know Alex isn't here anymore but that doesn't mean that I stop caring about you. It feels as if you're a daughter of mine. I once told Alex and she was worried you'd take her place." Diane chuckles and I let out a laugh. I smile at her.

It's quiet for a while. It's not uncomfortable, we are just enjoying each other's presence. "I still love her." I whisper.

Diane stands up and walks towards me. She puts her hands on my shoulders and envelops me in a hug. "I know you do." I restrain myself from crying, this is not the time. "You know, Piper, Alex asked me to take care of you if anything happened to her. I'm sure that wherever she is, she's always with you, always here to take care of you." Diane points her a finger at my heart.

"Thank you." I let go of Diane and we go and sit down on the couch. "Have you heard anything from Nicky? Lorna left me a message that she finally got through to her, apparently she's starting to acknowledge that Alex is gone."

"I talked to Nicky on the phone yesterday. Although she didn't sound like she was ok she's still in charge of Vause and associates, taking over Alex's job. She said that she'll never be as good as Alex was but I'm sure she'll be fine." Diane looks me in the eye and takes my hand. "I think it'll be good if you two talked again. There's a lot that happened and I think that you both miss each other but you're too stubborn to admit it. And so, with that wisdom I'm going to go home. You can call me anytime, you know that right?"

"Yeah I do." I stand up and walk her out the door. "See you soon Diane."

"Thanks for the meal. Bye Piper."

…..

" _Nicky what are you doing here? It's the middle of the night." Nicky is standing in front of my apartment laughing as hard as she can. She is definitely wasted. "Nicky stop making all that noise, come in." Did she use any drugs?_

" _Hey bummer Chapman, did you know…" Nicky continues laughing and puts her hands on her knees to steady herself. I'm getting annoyed by her unannounced presence. "did you know *cough*, did you know Alex is dead." Nicky keeps on laughing. I'm dumbfounded and I can't move. Nicky walks her way over to the kitchen and takes out some liquor from the cabinet while I'm growing numb. It feels as if all the blood is leaving my body, I'm stone cold and I can't breathe. What does she mean with 'Alex is dead'? "Nicky what do you mean?" I seem to have lost my voice so it comes out barely above a whisper. She didn't hear me so I have to repeat myself. "Nicky what do you mean?"_

 _Nicky takes a big gulp of the bottle of vodka she's holding. Between gulps she spills out "She's dead Chapman."_

 _My heart is breaking in a thousand pieces. I haven't moved an in inch since she's here. "You are fucking with me. Stop fucking with me, it's not funny!"_

" _What did you say?"_

" _I said stop fucking with me."_

" _I can't hear you Blondie, I can only hear the waves of the liquid in the bottle that I'm holding." Nicky shakes the bottle and it looks like there's a whirlpool inside._

" _I SAID STOP FUCKING WITH ME!" I yell as loud as I can. I don't care that it's the middle of the night. Everyone is allowed to hear it. My fucking girlfriend died and her already drunk best friend is in my apartment drinking until she drowns._

" _SHE IS DEAD CHAPMAN, FUCKING DEAD, LIKE REAL DEAD!" Nicky screams at the top of her lungs and smashes the bottle into the wall._

" _NICKY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!"_

" _IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU TOLD HER TO LEAVE THE RING. YOU TOLD HER TO PAY THEM THE MONEY AND START HER LIFE WITH YOU CAUSE YOU WERE AS SCARED AS A FUCKING CHILD." Nicky keeps on screaming. By now there are tears rolling down her cheeks._

" _Nicky please stop." I lower my volume. She's out of her mind, she blurts this all out and I'm scared that she's right. Maybe it is my fault._

" _You are the fucking reason she had to trust Fahri! And on top of that she couldn't come to you for help cause she wanted to protect you. But all along she was the one who needed protection. FUCK YOU CHAPMAN! You took my best friend and you left her to die on her own. I WILL NEVER FUCKING FORGIVE YOU!" Nicky runs back to the cabinet and takes another bottle. She downs half of it before she throws the rest at the same wall. The glass shatters into a thousand pieces and I'm getting scared._

 _I run to the bathroom, close the door and call Lorna. The phone keeps on ringing and I can hear more glass breaking. Fucking Nicky is destroying my apartment. 'Lorna please pick up' I think to myself._

" _Hey Chapman, are you alright? I'm not supposed to answer the phone right now cause I'm at work."_

" _Lorna, Alex is dead and Nicky is as drunk as she can be and is throwing bottles of liquor against the wall of my living room. I'm hiding in the bathroom. Please Lorna, come pick her up." I'm sure I sound distressed._

" _I'm on my way!" The phone call ends and soon Lorna bursts into my apartment. Thank god, the front door was still unlocked._

…..

" _Hey Piper, what's going on?" I can hear that Diane has woken up from a very deep sleep._

" _I'm sorry to call you." I'm crying and sobbing into the phone. "I'm sorry Diane."_

" _Piper, what happened."_

 _I tell Diane the scene that played in front of me, the yelling, the screaming, the liquor, all of it. "It doesn't matter what Nicky said, as you confirmed she was drunk and I can assure you that Alex isn't dead. If she were dead don't you think that I would be the first to know? I would call you straight away Piper. So honey, try to calm down. You have a lot of emotions to process and I know I can't do much but I can assure you that I know for sure that Alex is not dead. She's still missing but she's not dead. Nicky lost her mind and tried to cope with her emotions in an unacceptable way. She should be ashamed. And you should try to get some sleep and I will see you tomorrow. I'm coming to see you."_

" _Thank you Diane." My voice is raspy from all the screaming._

" _You don't have to thank me kid, I love you." For a second I would have sworn that it was Alex who said those words to me. Whispering them in my ear._

…..

The familiar sounds and scents of The Shack surround me. I'm glad that it's the afternoon. The bar isn't crowded and the music isn't too loud. I try to remember the times that Alex and I walked into this bar hand in hand. Alex always teased me and kissed me on the cheek before turning to the bar to order drinks. I miss those moments. It was just the two of us.

I can see Nicky and Lorna occupying a booth next to the bar. I take off my coat and walk towards them.

"Hey guys!" I take a seat opposite of them and lay my coat next to me.

"Hey Piper." Lorna greets me. Nicky gives me a small smile but doesn't say a word. "We already ordered so if you tell me what you want I'll get it."

"Thanks Lorna, I'll have a coffee please." Lorna stands up and walks to the bar. She isn't gone for too long but even in these few minutes Nicky can't get herself to look at me. She keeps quiet and fidgets with her hands. Lorna comes back and put's the cup in front of me.

"Thanks." I take a sip from the coffee. "You know I love you guys, right?" I really miss them so if Nicky still can't get herself to talk to me I'm gonna be the grown up and take on the elephant in the room.

"We love you too Piper." Lorna takes my hand.

I look Lorna in the eyes "So I want to be friends again and I wanted to tell you guys that I'm…"

"Shut up Chapman." Nicky is still looking at her hands.

I'm shocked, here we are trying to be friendly again and the first words that leave Nicky's mouth are the ones asking me to shut the hell up. I open my mouth to speak again but she cuts me off.

"I said shut your mouth. I mean it Blondie." Finally Nicky lifts her head up and looks at me. She has dark circles under her eyes. She doesn't look too good. "I know you are about to apologise, I can sense it. But it's not your responsibility. I'm the one who should do it. I'm really fucking sorry. I know it doesn't undo the shit I pulled that night but I really mean it. I'm sorry, I really am." Nicky rubs her eyes as if she trying to push back the tears.

"Nicky, it's okay." I try to comfort her. I lean across the table and take her hand rubbing smooth circles at the back.

"No it isn't. Who the hell does such an awful thing. I burst into your apartment in the middle of the night to tell you that your girlfriend is dead when she really isn't. I don't know about now but back then, she wasn't dead. At least we didn't know for sure." Nicky is starting to tear up.

"I'm glad that you can see that it was extremely inappropriate but trust me, I can see why you did it. You missed your best friend. And I know that you believed and you _still_ believe that she's gone. But I do hope that you realise that if you pulled that stunt on Alex she would kick your ass." I try to lighten the mood and it works. Lorna starts laughing and Nicky is chuckling.

"She would kick me out and then the next day she would come over to laugh at me and to give me the bills of the liquor." Nicky is full on smiling at this point. "That's why I love her so much, no offence Lorna but Alex … Jeez, Alex is some fucked up kind love of my life." She is remembering the things she and Alex used to do together, always having each other's back and calling each other out on their shit. That's what a real friendship is about. What their friendship _was_ about.


	4. The inevitable

**Chapter 4: The inevitable**

It's time.

The thought alone makes my heart skip a beat. The feeling surrounds me and takes me into its grip, covering my arms with goosebumps. My head is being clouded with a weird sensation, I'm starting to feel light and dizzy. My body is signalling my brain, telling me that it's going to bail on me in the next few minutes by letting itself fall onto the ground. But I keep fighting, standing upright, wobbling on my legs while my hands betray my state by shaking uncontrollably. It takes all the strength to not let myself go. Of all the things I've done these past few months this must be the hardest.

Diane told me that it's time to let her go.

Exactly one week ago the news arrived. There was an update in Alex's case, an update that we were all scared off, already knowing the outcome.

" _So Miss Vause and Miss Chapman I'm glad the two of you could come to our police station. As I told you on the phone there is an update in Alex Vause's, your daughters' case."_

 _The officer in front of us looks young. He has a dark skin tone, a black moustache and beautiful brown eyes. Those kind of eyes you can drown in when you look too long. I'm sure he has never done this before. He looks scared but tries to appear confident when he speaks to us._

 _"So, I called to inform you that we found an abandoned warehouse, containing some evidence of Alex, while we were doing a random search in the neighbourhood. We found a strand of black hair and some glasses that matched your description. The forensics team ran a DNA test and the results confirmed that the hair belongs to Miss Vause. We also found a large pool of blood. We took a swap of the dried pool and the results confirmed our suspicion. It's Alex's blood. We asked the forensics team on site what to make of it and they all concluded that Alex couldn't have survived the attack. The amount of blood was too much. We are certain that after all this time there is no way that we'll ever find a body. There is no way she survived this brutal attack. I'm sorry for your loss."_

In a few hours I'm expected to be at the funeral home. The envelope that holds my last letter to Alex is sticking out of the pocket of my coat. I'm not even sure if I'm going to read it but I take it with me, just in case.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I've never felt this scared in my life other than the moment that I realised that Alex disappeared. Diane has been trying to comfort me since we heard the news but it's not enough. The one person that was always able to make me feel good will be buried today. She always knew how to calm me down, telling me it would all be alright, whispering these perfect words in my ear.

Knowing that the coffin will be empty holds me back from feeling the deep black void I'm supposed to feel. I know it's there, it's waiting for me. I keep repeating the same sentence _she's never coming back_ over and over in my head hoping that it will all start to feel real. Maybe in a few hours it will hit me but for now I try to calm myself by telling that maybe, just maybe she'll return.

I'm pacing up and down the living room waiting for Nicky, Lorna and Polly to pick me up. Occasionally I glance at the photo on the wall. Nicky has been trying to get me to take it off, to throw it away or at the very least remove it from the apartment. But I can't, not now. She said that it would help me to feel that the loss is real. What she doesn't get is that I need Alex to mourn. I'm in desperate need to look at her all the time, seeing her smiling at me makes me feel empty and whole at the same time. Her full lips that are brushing the skin on my cheek flare up all the love I'm carrying. I'm certain that I'll always love her but I'm afraid that the memories will fade and that I won't be able to feel her presence. I'm afraid to lose the smell of her rose perfume mixed with her own scent, scared to forget the sound of that husky voice. I'm afraid I will lose her forever. So I can't, it needs to wait, maybe in a few weeks, a few months, years. Or maybe never.

" _So basically you are telling us that you are not totally sure that she's dead but still you're here in front of us telling us that we need to plan her funeral." I speak with a stern voice and can feel myself getting annoyed. Diane puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes, trying to reassure me that it'll all be ok._

" _I'm sorry miss Chapman but the forensic team agrees, there was too much blood. There is no way that she could have survived this. I know this is hard to hear but she has been missing for a whole year. The statistics tell us that the chance that she returns is close to non-existent. I would like to advice you that you should take all the time you need to process this information. If you like, I could refer you to a very good psychologist who is familiar with this kind of trauma."_

 _I know the officer is doing his best but he is telling me to cut her out of my life just because they found her blood and a strand of hair. "I want her glasses."_

" _I'm sorry ma'am, they are evidence, I can't give them to you." He says sympathetically._

 _Diane looks at me and then back at the officer. "Excuse my language but I don't give a shit that its evidence. You are telling us that she isn't coming back. That she died. There is no suspect and so there will be no lawsuit. The least you could do is give her the glasses. She's got to have something to hold onto. " She speaks with a strong intensity._

I walk to the bookshelves and take a long look at her favourite books. I touch the back of the paper covers with my fingers and take my time to follow all the lines and cracks imagining her holding the books and folding them while she's reading. On top of the stacks of literature lay her glasses. With a strong grip I snatch them off the books and trace the plastic of the frame with my thumbs. I unfold the eyeglass temples and put the glasses on top of my nose. I try to look at the world the way she did. I can see all these moments we experienced together.

" _Alex have you seen my phone, I can't seem to find it."_

 _Alex lays sideways on our bed and like usual she's smirking at me._

 _"You can't find your phone yet I'm the one wearing the glasses. Maybe you should get your eyes checked." She winks at me._

 _"I thought we agreed that the sexy librarian look suits you better." I wink back at her. I'm as good at teasing her as she's with me._ _"So Al, will you help me to find my phone, I have to go to work. There has been a large deliverance and I need to take care of the arrangements in the store."_

 _I walk back to the living room to keep searching and can feel myself getting stressed. After five minutes I still haven't found it and I'm getting annoyed at the lack of help that Alex is giving. I grab the cordless telephone on the kitchen counter and dial my number. It only takes one ring to know where my phone is. "Fucking Alex." I mutter under my breath. I return to the bedroom and see her lying on the bed wearing only her bra and boy shorts taking pictures of herself._

 _"Alex, what the hell?" I try to sound angry but fail miserably. I know I must look flustered._

 _"I saw you looking at me, getting all worked up thinking about my glasses. Thought this might help you to get through the day. Maybe you can come over for lunch. Or should I say, cum over lunch." Alex climbs over the bed on her hands and knees before she whispers that last sentence in my ear. Tracing her lips over the skin and biting on my earlobe. God, I love that woman._

I take the glasses off and put them in the pocket of my coat, next to the letter. I will get through the funeral if I combine all the little pieces that define her.

I walk back to the bedroom and make my way over to the adjacent bathroom. Walking to the sink I can't avoid to take a long look at myself in the mirror. The make-up did a good job at fixing the dark circles under my eyes. I open the tap and stare at the streaming water.

It looks just like a waterfall.

" _Come on Pipes, you'll love this. We can't stay in bed all day, we are in Cambodia for fucks sake. Let's do something adventurous."_

 _I wanted to stay in, order room service and enjoy the presence of my drug importing girlfriend. "If adventure is what you want Al, all you have to do is ask."_

 _I'm smirking at Alex._ _She stands in our suite, all dressed up and ready to leave. I walk over to her, sensually swaying my hips and leaving a trail of clothes behind. I can feel her staring at me, all hot and worked up. Once I'm in front of her, bare naked, I start to kiss her neck softly as my hands begin to wander around her body finding its ultimate goal. I brush the zipper of her pants and fumble with the material._

 _"Shit. Please Pipes, as much as I'm enjoying this, if we don't leave right now, uhhh, we are never going to see the waterfalls. The bus leaves in ten minutes."_

 _"Shhh Al, adventure awaits you." I whisper in her ear before kneeling down and undoing the zipper of her pants._

I chuckle, hearing the sound of the water brings back long forgotten memories. That day was wonderful. I made her melt and afterwards we called a taxi to take us to the waterfall so we could enjoy the beauty of the scene.

The cabinet next to the sink is slightly open and I can see the one thing that will get me through this day. As I'm holding her perfume in my hand I sprinkle it on my neck and wrists leaving a trail of Alex.

…

"Hey Piper, how are you doing?" Polly rushes towards me as she enters my apartment. "The place looks nice. Different, but still very warm and cosy."

"Thanks Pol, I'm glad you are here." I hug her tight. Today is all about comfort.

"Nicky and Lorna are waiting in the car. You ready to leave? Got all your things?" Polly takes a step back to let me recover from the embrace and looks at me, smiling.

"I'm ready, let's go." I take my purse and stuff my keys, wallet and phone inside. I keep the letter and glasses in my coat. They are as close as they can be. I take a sniff at my wrist letting the smell of Alex fill my nostrils.

We make our way down the stairs and step outside of the building onto the busy streets of New York. It's still cold but the wind isn't as harsh as it used to be. I take a deep breath, filling my lungs with the cold air. I have to do this. For her and myself. The not knowing was the hardest thing I had to live with these past thirteen months so maybe this is a good thing, it's time to say goodbye.

…

The ceremony was serene and quiet. There weren't a whole lot of people that gathered to mourn and to be together to get through the pain. There was Diane, Nicky, Lorna, Polly, a few friends from the drug ring and some girls that used to do the craziest things to get Alex's attention when we visited The Shack. Tears were spilled, breaths were held and relieve followed us all when we walked on the path that let us to the graveyard.

We're all gathered around the hole in the ground that will be filled with the coffin that holds all the memories we so desperately want to relive. The priest keeps reciting a text about how it feels to lose someone. Diane and Polly stand on either side of me. Diane holds my hand and every now and then I can feel her squeezing. Lorna and Nicky are on the other side of the coffin. Lorna leans her head on Nicky's shoulder as she stares into nothing. Tears are shed in silence, no one dares to make a sound as we all listen to the sound of the wind drifting us away from this inevitable moment. I look up at the sky and get fixated on the clouds that pass by, trying to find traces of her.

The coffin gets buried by piles of sand and soon all the traces are gone. The last evidence of her being the glasses in my pocket. The priest, the girls and the so called friends leave the scene. The five of us are left alone, all staring at the sand in front of us. Nicky and Lorna walk up to us and we all take hands, standing in a straight line. We feel each other's comfort and keep standing there in total silence. I get a feeling that it's time that we all say our goodbye's so we can leave this place in each other's presence.

As if Nicky is reading my mind she starts to speak. "So, what's next." Her voice cracks. She looks up and stares in my eyes giving me a warm smile.

"I think it's time to say our goodbye's." Diane speaks up. "And I would like to start." The oldest Vause takes a step forward, looks back over her shoulder and silently asks for permission. She turns around and faces the coffin under the ground and starts speaking. "So that's it huh kid, you left us. Slipping through my fingers, getting away from the people that love you. Still Alex, after all that happened I can't be anything but proud. I raised you too be someone who would follow their heart. You always went after what you wanted, that being part of an illegal business, travelling the world or conquering Piper's love, you were always fully committed. As positive as it is, when you were still a child, sometimes I cursed to myself seeing how much you resembled me. You could be such a stubborn piece of ass Alex." We all started to laugh knowing full well what Diane was referring to. "The one thing that you did differently, better than me, was finding the love you deserved. I know that in the beginning you tried to make it seem as if Piper loved you more then you loved her, but you couldn't have fooled me. The smile you carried while talking about Piper was the best gift I could have ever asked for. She pulled your feet to the ground and opened your eyes, making you see that a relationship was something you wanted, that it was worth it. So you swallowed your pride and let her into your life. I'm so happy that you had the chance to experience such intense love, that was all I ever asked for." Diane took a pause before continuing. "Alex sweetheart, it's okay, I will take care of all these people that surround me. Piper and I will be alright, we have to be, for you."

Diane takes a step back and gestures that someone else can say their goodbyes. Nicky steps to the front, followed by Lorna who is clinging to her arm, hugging Nicky to support her. "You long legged, hot ass, piece off shit. Seriously, what the actual fuck Vause. You're leaving before we could have gotten that foursome that you promised me."

I'm flabbergasted and start laughing uncomfortably, _this is so Nicky._ Diane ,Polly and Lorna aren't the slightest bit uncomfortable, they just burst out into a fit of hysterical laughter.

"So not fair Vause. But ok, I get it, it's not your fault. Now I have to wait till Chapman here finds another hot girl to make it up to me."

I stiffen at the thought of dating someone else, so I shift my weight to my other leg to try to keep myself busy. Diane looks at me and sees my uncomfortable posture, so she wraps her arm around my shoulder to support me while Nicky continues.

"I have been missing you these last thirteen months and I'm still missing you. You are my best friend you idiot. You leaving me is the worst thing you could possibly do but as I'm standing here, surrounded by your favourite people in the world I will do my best to let the anger fade and to continue to take care of that girlfriend of yours. But first, tonight, I'm gonna drink like I've never done before in your honour." Nicky swings her arm in the air as she would do in a bar to make a toast. "So now that I said I will clean the mess you left behind, you can stop haunting me in my sleep. I've had enough of that, until the moment you decide to make those dreams sexier than they are now you must back off. Salute Vause."

After she spoke her last words Nicky and Lorna take a step back. I'm looking at Polly, trying to make out if she wants to say goodbye or if it's my turn. Polly gives me a nod and so she takes a step forward.

"I don't really know what to say so I guess it's for the best that I'm honest. At first, Alex and I never really got along. She called me Polly Hobby and I called her supercunt."

Diane gives me a warming smile before throwing me a questioning look after hearing the nickname for her daughter.

"I wasn't sure that Alex deserved Piper, her being part of that illegal business and all. But after a long time, I could start seeing how much she loved Pipes. And now I can actually say that I'm fucking pissed at her for leaving you guys. So, I'm going to say this once, for the last time: fuck you Alex for making my best friend loving you. Fuck you for loving her. And fuck you to the shit that happened to make you leave." Polly looks at me and takes my hand. "I'm sorry for Alex and I'm sorry for you Pipes. I will try and be an even better best friend to keep you safe. I promise."

As Polly takes a step back and releases my hand I know it's my turn.

But I wait. For several minutes we just stand next to each other and I can't get myself to take a step forward to say the speech that I prepared. It all seems so meaningless and superficial at this point. They all know that I love her, that I miss her. It's fucking obvious so I remain where I'm standing and don't make a move.

Ten minutes go by before I lift my right foot and slowly start to move to take a step forward. Once I stand still, brush my hand through my hair and smell the scent of Alex's perfume. My hand lowers to the pocket of my coat and I take out her glasses. My fingers trace the pattern of the frame, taking halt at the crack in the glass that reminds me of all the things that went wrong in our lives. Alex not being here, me being left behind. It's all still too much but I will do my best to get through it.

I turn around and reach my hand out to Diane. She questions my gesture before she looks down and sees the object in my hand.

"I need you to hold on to this while I say goodbye." Diane nods and takes the glasses. "Thank you."

I stand still, look at the pile of sand and allow myself another couple of minutes before I release the pressure on my lips that is keeping them together. Once again, I reach into my pocket and take out the envelope. I open it up, take the letter out and stuff the now empty envelope back into my pocket. I unfold the piece of paper and open my mouth to speak.

"Dear Alex,

I know it's been a while since I wrote you and it doesn't make sense that I'm still writing to you. I still don't know if you are really gone. Although everyone is telling me, trying to convince me, that you are in fact gone. That you are dead.

All the time that passed since I received your letter, I have been trying to find the right words to tell you that I miss you. I have filled tons of paper with scribbles and scratches so this may well be the hundredth letter addressed to you. Somewhere in the past thirteen months I lost my count of the number of letters I wrote to you.

Alex, I can't express how much it takes for me to not take my car and drive around New York to look for you. The first five months I couldn't help myself, but now it must come to a stop. It takes too much energy. I can't do it anymore. Too much happened and as you know, too much went wrong. I can't break down over and over again. You would think that by now all the tears would be gone but they keep on coming. I really believed that time would heal the wounds, but the only thing time does is ease the pain. It never really goes away.

The last time I saw you it felt like you could handle the world, you seemed like a hero in one of those action movies. It was us against the world. I'm sure that during your disappearance your courage traded its place for tears, heavy breathing and screams like the ones I still experience in my dreams. I don't want you to be gone but knowing that you don't have to endure this kind of pain anymore is enough for me to make the decision to acknowledge that you _are_ gone. I can't erase the pain that I am feeling but the one thing I can do, right now, is taking the time to let you go. The pain will never leave cause as you once read in one of those books of yours: Lovers never meet, they are in each other all along. So, Alex, you will always be a part of me.

But please, remember that if you are ever to come back, I will be there, sleeping in our bed on top of the shoe box that holds all the letters filled with my love for you.

And now to answer the burning question that was hovering over your letter I'm saying _yes_. Yes, I want to be with you forever. Yes, I want to marry you. Yes, I want to love you forever. So Alex, my raven haired beauty with green eyes, the woman I love, the woman I'm longing for, the one I'm letting go, I want you to know that it's okay. You can go. You go now. I will be fine. I have to be."

No one speaks after I finish reading. I keep standing there, grasping the letter as if it holds everything that defines me. There is one last thing that I have to say so I turn around and look at the familiar faces that are in front of me.

"I need to tell you something and I need you guys to listen carefully. I…" Before I finish my sentence, I lift my hand and point my finger to my sternum. " _I_ love Alex. I love her and I will continue to love her. Nothing and no one is allowed to stop me from feeling the love that I'm holding. I know that she wasn't the sappy kind and she would be laughing at me by now, but I want you all to understand that I don't want to hear any crap about moving on or removing photographs. I don't need any dates, one-night stands or fooling around to continue my life. I will do those things when the time is right. The young Piper would have jumped into bed with anyone by now but in this moment, I can't. So please respect that, just be my friend and leave me the hell alone when I want to be."

…

Nicky returns to our booth with another tray full of shots, ready for our fifth round. I throw back several shots of tequila and continue to sip on the margarita that's in front of me.

"Yo Chapman, what do you say, should we continue to our sixth round?" Nicky is wasted, but I couldn't care less, as I said before, today is all about comfort.

After our third round Diane decided that she should leave before she _actually_ started to drink any alcohol. She really didn't want to call a cab, she wanted to drive home in her own car. However, Polly was slightly tipsy but jumped in on the idea and left with Diane.

"Keep them coming Nicky!" I shout at her, Nicky jumps back since she's standing right in front of me.

"Are you gonna drink tequila the whole night or do you want a change of décor?"

I hiccup before answering. "Give me the finest beer you can find!"

"Holy shit Chapman, when did you become such a dyke that you want to drink beer all the time." Nicky is drunkenly laughing at me, swinging her arms around herself.

"It was Alex's favourite." I say determent before knocking down what's left of my margarita. The burning liquid leaves a warming trail as it makes its way to my stomach. The more alcohol I can consume the better, it makes my head clouded. Nicky walks away from the booth going straight to the bar. Well, walking and straight are a bit of an exaggeration, it's more of a clumsy walk trying to keep herself on her two feet as she makes her way over to Lorna who's serving some customers.

I snuggle into the cushion that's sitting behind me and lay my head back, looking at the ceiling of the bar. This is going to be a long night but I'm sure it's worth it. Still, something in the back of my brain is telling me that the major hangover that will follow might disagree with me.

 **That's it for this week. Thank you so much for the reviews, I love reading them! If you have some feedback, feel free to post it. Next time we'll hopefully find out what happened to Alex so we can get an answer to the question that is keeping everyone busy: "Where is Alex?"**


	5. The past isn't over

**Chapter 5: The past isn't over**

 _Six months before the disappearance_

"Can you please put these boxes away." I gesture to the cardboard boxes that are stocked near the entrance of the building.

"What's in these boxes anyway?" Nicky looks at me with a questioning look. She sits on the stool behind the front desk that's covered in big black letters spelling 'Vause And Associates'.

"Nicky, god, are you kidding me?! These are the orders I gave you last week. They are components for the extension of the network for the national bank two streets from here. Ringing any bells?" I'm getting a little annoyed. I'm really glad that I could help Nicky out with a job so she could keep her mother's inheritance but sometimes she is a pain in the ass by not being focused and forgetting everything I ask.

"Oh yeah, right, I'll move them in a sec." Nicky leans back in her chair and continues to read the magazine in her lap, she's looking at real estate.

"Nichols, get your ass out of that chair and move that shit down the hall in the storage room." I try my best not to lose my temper but she is making it really hard. Business is booming so I'm walking around stressing the shit out of myself. I don't need Nicky to make it any harder on me.

"Jesus Vause, my condolences. I could help you out you know. I knew Blondie could be a bitch but two weeks without getting laid is not doing you any good. My place or yours?" Nicky smirks as she lifts her head up to look at me.

"Fuck off Nichols. Keep on dreaming. This pussy is off limits." I let out a laugh and wink at her.

"Trying to get me worked up, I see. Keep winking at me and I can't promise that my pants won't go down to my ankles."

I take a pen out of my pocket and throw it at her.

"What the hell Vause!" Nicky starts laughing as she throws the pen back at me, barely missing my head. "Good, now that this is settled, I will go and get my task done. Boss."

"You better." Nicky leaves and I go back into my office. I take a seat behind my desk and turn on the computer. The workload is enormous so I pick up the paper files that are covering my desk. Piper will be done by nine and she'll come and pick me up to leave together.

Every now and then my mind wanders and I take a look around this spacious office. It's everything I ever dreamed off, although the circumstances are different. I always saw myself as the head of an international drug cartel, no longer being someone's right hand. Just me, being in charge. Today, I am in fact in charge of my very own business but it is nothing like a drug ring. Don't get me wrong, I really love it, mostly because it's totally legal but I still miss the thrill. Knowing that you are doing something dirty is really appealing. But now, I would never get back into doing that illegal shit. I can't lose Piper. So when it came down to choosing her or my job I followed my heart and found a way to get rid of my frustrations. I snap back to reality and try to focus on the files again. I get back to work.

Thirty minutes later Nicky storms in. "I'm all done Vause. I have to go and get ready to get on a date with that mysterious lady we met last week. See ya tomorrow!"

"Good luck fucking her!" I yell back as Nicky slams the door shut and leaves. Silence follows and I'm glad. Now I can work in peace with no disturbance but the sound of the door when Piper comes to get me.

….

BAM!

"Fucking hell!" What was that. It can't be Nicky, she'll be fucking that brunette by now, and it's too late for any customer to come in. I take a look at my watch *8.30pm* and come to the only logical explanation, Pipes is early today. I don't bother to stand up as I know that Piper always comes straight to my office. After a few minutes she still hasn't come in so I'm starting to feel a bit anxious.

"Pipes, you there?" I yell. No answer. I pick up a remote and turn on the screen that's on the wall in front of me. Once it's turned on several screens with camera footages pop up. I can make out a figure in the entrance hall that definitely doesn't look like Piper, let alone Nicky. I lift myself out of my chair and make my way over to the display cabinet that's filled with memories of my past. I turn the key of a hidden drawer and take out a handgun. I stuff the weapon into the waistband of my black jeans and carefully start to walk into the direction of the mysterious figure. Trying my best not to make a lot of sound I round the corner and instantly recognise the face of someone I never thought I'd see again.

"What the fuck! Fahri!" I say enthusiastically as I close the distance between us and give him a small, friendly hug.

"Hello Alex. It's been a while." He says as he looks back at me.

"What are you doing here? Don't get me wrong, I'd like to catch up and all but this is a total surprise." I'm really confused. It's been 2 years since I've seen him. 2 years since I quit the job I was brilliant at.

"I didn't have any way to contact you. I've been in and out of the States these last couple of months but a few days ago something happened and I really needed to talk to you. Are you alone?"

Fahri is giving off some nervous vibes. It doesn't make sense that he's here unless something really bad happened. "Yeah I'm alone but Piper is coming over in about fifteen minutes." I push my glasses further up my nose displaying my nervous tick.

Fahri stuffs his hands in his pockets. "Glad to hear you are still with that blond. But really, Alex, this can't wait. You should tell her that you're not gonna be home for a while."

His low voice fills my ears and I'm trying to figure out where this evening is heading. "Alright, I'll give her a call."

"Thanks Alex. Take your stuff and meet me at my car in the front."

….

"But what about our Italian take out and movie night?" Piper sighs into the phone.

"Sorry Pipes, these deliverances are coming in all at once and I really have to get through them. I promise that we'll rearrange our plans. But for tonight, I'll try my best to return home before 10pm." I try to cheer her up.

"I'm counting on it. You know I need you to read your books aloud so I can fall asleep hearing that sexy voice of yours."

I'm not completely sure that she's trying to tease me but I decide to play the game. "I can think of a thing or two that will wear you out before you go to sleep." My husky voice is filling her ears.

"God, Alex. Are you really sure that you don't want me to come over? I can get you started on your task to wear me out."

Yes, she is definitely teasing me. "Pipes, I'm gonna go back to work now so I can come to you as soon as I can. I've been craving you so don't you dare to start without me." I can hear her breath catching in her throat, she certainly knows what I'm talking about.

"Alright, but you are going to have to make it up to me."

Still teasing, brilliant Pipes. "I love it when I'm in trouble. See you later kid."

…..

I take my personal belongings from my desk and put the gun back into its hiding space. The headlights of Fahri's car are on and shine a white light onto the building when I step outside. I close the door of VAA and make my way over to the car.

For a while we drive around New York City before we take an exit that's all too familiar to me. We are heading towards the docks. We keep driving for about fifteen minutes before Fahri turns the engine off and we step outside.

"This feels oddly familiar." I look at him as he takes a pack of cigarettes out of his pockets.

"You want one." He stretches his arm to hand me the pack.

"Yeah, why not." It's been awhile since I've had a smoke. I know Piper disapproves when I do smoke but I can't help but think that there are worse things in life. I take a cigarette and stick it in between my lips before lighting it up. I take a long drag and push out the smoke mixed with air. "So what is it that you wanted to talk to me about."

"I'm here with an offer." Fahri keeps smoking and once in a while he tabs his finger on the cigarette to get rid of the formed ashes.

"Yes?" I'm starting to lose my patience.

"There is no way to get around this so I'm gonna be straight forward. Kubra and Aydin are arrested. The police has been working on a case the past two years, trying to unbound the drug cartel." Fahri turns his head away from his cigarette and looks me deep in the eyes. He's trying to figure out how I'm processing this new information.

For a split second it feels as if the ground underneath me is slowly crumbling down and I'm gonna be swallowed by a black hole. Being sucked away fromthis place. "Okay. I guess you are here to warn me." I try to speak calmly to not give away that I'm actually shitting my pants.

"Yes, as I told you, I'm here with a proposition. As I can make up from the look on your face you realise that your life can be over any second now. Don't count on any protection from Kubra or Aydin, they are going to rat you out as soon as they can to save their own skin." He takes a pause to take another drag. "However, the police still hasn't come to me and I have a perfect plan to keep myself out of this shitstorm. I have a scapegoat. And, it can be yours too." He finishes smoking and throws the cigarette end on the ground to step on it with his foot. Rubbing it into the surface to make sure that it's no longer burning.

"What do you mean?" I know there is more to the story. Fahri and I are still friends but as everyone knows, in the drug business, everything comes with a price.

"I'm offering you protection. I have a waterproof plan and you can be a part of it."

"But?"

"Since Kubra is gone with the wind the playground is empty and I'm ready to play. I'm going to replace his empire. Actually, I'm already building my own business, using old contacts and trafficked money to enlarge the circle. But, there always seems to be one problem and that's where you will come into play."

I interrupt him. "No way. No fucking way. I'm not going back to trafficking money and finding drug mules that will become your toys. I told you that I never want to return. I paid Kubra 15 fucking million dollars to let me go and to protect me. I guess that shit load is enough to cover my ass." I run my hand through my hair.

"Let me finish. I don't need you as a trafficker or mule-hunter. The only thing I need from you is a space to settle my business. If I'm not mistaken, you have an empty basement in that building of yours that has an entryway at the back. That's all I ask. No funny business."

He looks sincere. "So basically you want me to give you an office space? Knowing full well that you're going to be doing some shady shit."

"I don't think you really have a choice Alex. Don't forget that I'm your friend here. I'm willing to protect you in trade for your protection towards my business. It's your choice, really, helping out an old friend or going to prison in the morning." Fahri walks towards me and places his hands on top of my shoulders. "It's all up to you."

I'm feeling a slight shiver and start to feel sick. It all comes down to a choice that really isn't a choice but an inevitable consequence of my past actions. There is no way that I can't accept his offer. I have to think about my life, Piper and VAA. If I were to go to prison it would have all been for nothing. "That's all you are asking? No unspoken demands?"

"That's it Alex, that's all I'm asking so you can continue to live your life with that girlfriend of yours." He gives me a smile and removes his hands.

I take a deep breath and realise that I dropped my cigarette during our conversation. It's laying lifeless next to my shoe. "Then I think we have a deal." I speak loud and clear.

Fahri and I shake hands and ride back to VAA in total silence. We exchange phone numbers and he promises that he'll be in touch the following days.

As I'm standing in front of my building a realisation hits me. Fuck. Piper was supposed to pick me up so now I have to take a cab. As if this day couldn't get any better.

…..

"So Al, you missed me?" Piper is laying on the couch watching TV in an oversized shirt that's barely covering her ass. I'm mesmerised by her beauty but can't shake off the weird feeling of having made a deal that could possibly ruin our life.

"Earth to Alex." She is gazing at me, questioning my strange behaviour as I keep standing still. I just entered our apartment and the promise to myself to not make me look suspicious is long forgotten. I don't move, my feet seem to be glued to the floor off the living room.

"Alex, you ok?" She stands up from the couch and walks towards me. "Hey Alex, look at me."

"Yeah sorry." My voice barely above a whisper. "I'm just incredibly tired."

"Alex, I know that you don't always feel the need but please, talk to me. What's going on?" She rubs her hands up and down my arms to try and comfort me.

I know that I have to give her something or else she'll be angry all evening. Especially since I already cancelled our plans. "It's nothing big really." I know I'm lying through my teeth. "Just a company that withdrew a big ass order so I had to cancel all the deliverances. I'm just pissed off, that's all." I stare into her eyes and give her a kiss on the lips, enjoying her warmth and love that's radiating through her soft skin.

She envelops me into a hug. "You work too hard Al. I know you want to be as successful as you can be but you have to stop stressing so much. It's not worth it. You have VAA and I have my bookshop. We are pretty damn successful businesswomen. No need to push yourself so hard." She takes a step back. "Have you eaten?"

"Yeah. I had a slice of pizza on my way home." I start to walk to the couch but Piper takes my hand and stops my movement.

"Always going for such dirty food Al. I figure you haven't had your dessert yet, I know you can't sleep without it." She tightens her grip on my hand and drags me to our bedroom knowing full well what will follow.

…..

"Are you sure you're ok?"

Pipes and I lay in bed, our legs tangled together while I'm spooning her. The past hour I showed her all the love that I'm holding. We had a slow, sensual make out session ending with her straddling me. I like to hold her close and I know she can't resist me while I'm touching and kissing her in all these little, sensitive spots. I find comfort in feeling her pressed up against me.

"Al, are you asleep?" She whispers into the dark. The index finger of her right hand is making small circles on my arm that's laying on her waist. I'm holding her as close as she can be.

"No." I whisper so quietly that I'm sure she couldn't have heard me. My mind is really out of it. I'm not feeling present in the moment. I want to be but I can't. I keep thinking of the possibility that I can still end up in prison with an even longer sentence because of my future plans with Fahri. And on top of that I'm absolutely certain that I will keep my mouth shut to Piper. She can't know and it's scaring me. I promised her that I would get out of the drug ring and today, I just bought myself a one way ticket back into the game. I'm fully aware that I'm betraying her and it feels like fucking shit.

She turns around, facing me. She brings her hand up, tucks the hair that sprawled on my face behind my ear and starts cupping my cheek. I lean into her and close my eyes. The memories of that awful night in Paris are starting to come back to life.

" _I'm sorry Pipes but I don't have the time to go out and drink café-au-lait with you. I'm fucking stressed." I run a frustrated hand through my hair and push my glasses on top of my head._

" _But you are always so fucking stressed. I'm really worried that you are choosing your work over me. Actually Alex, I've had enough. It's either me or your job." She sounds angry and is trying to stare me down._

" _How didn't I see this coming?! I should have seen this this coming. Rule number one, never fall in love with a straight girl." I point my finger in her direction to emphasise that I'm talking about her._

" _Is that what you think this is about? That I like dick. Well, that's easier then facing the fact you are a drug dealer and it's ruining everything good in your life. So, I'm gonna ask you for the last time, what's it gonna be? Me or your job?"_

The discussion that followed was the most severe and escalated one that we ever had. We yelled, screamed, cried and ultimately laughed while we made up. I saw where she was coming from, the accusations, but she never took the time to look at my side of the story. Still, we survived cause here we are, four years into our relationship.

"You know that I love you, right?" I stare deep into her clear blue eyes, looking at the flaring lights that are present when I finish my question.

Normally, Piper would tease me to death when I ask such a question. Telling me that I don't need the confirmation cause my self-confidence is already through the roof, but the way she is looking at me right now tells me that she knows that I need her reassurance. "Al, I've never loved anyone as much as I love you."

"I love you too Pipes, so fucking much." I kiss her, soft and tender.

…

Stress has never interfered with my sleeping pattern. Up until now. I'm laying here, wide awake looking at the ceiling, two hours before my alarm is supposed to go off. Piper is sound asleep and makes me smile every time she snores. She's always embarrassed when I tell her that she makes these primal sounds but I find it adorable.

I keep staring to the space above me. 'I don't want to leave' I'm so scared that everything will go wrong and that prison is waiting on me. A distant voice in my head is telling me that it would be better to get Piper involved, to be honest about this newest development regarding my life but I'm going to ignore it. If I tell her she'll probably leave me. If I don't tell her, which technically isn't considered lying, she won't. I'm trying my best to not think about the possibility of her finding out cause that will result in her running off and cutting me out of her life. We've almost been there once, that dreadful night in Paris and I can't stand the thought of that actually happening. 'She'll dump me.' so I'm going to hold on and make the best of it. I'm going to pull my though act and behave like no one can hurt me. I'm gonna act like nothing is wrong and like I'm not holding the weight of the world on my shoulders. I know I can keep it together, I'm a Vause for fucks sake.

The first rays of sunlight are entering the room and I can make out the shadow of the picture that's standing on Piper's nightstand. I'm glad we captured that moment.

" _I want something to hold onto Alex. Is that too much to ask?" We are in the woods finishing a hiking trail that Piper picked out. She really wanted me to get my ass off the couch and do something that's considered real physical activity._

" _If you want a picture off me to show me off to all of your friends all you have to do is ask Pipes." I wrap my arm around her shoulder and give her a kiss on her cheek. Her skin underneath my lips feels warm._

 _*click*_

" _Hey, I wasn't ready!" I release my hold on her and slap her on the arm._

" _I wanted it to look spontaneous. I don't want to be like those couples that go to a professional photographer to take pictures that don't represent their love at all." She says as she gives me a kiss in return._

I roll onto my side and start to yawn. My eyelids are feeling heavy and soon I drift off into a deep sleep waiting on my alarm to wake me up.

 **Thank you all for the reviews, it's lovely to read that you are enjoying my first story. I also love to read your theories of where this story is heading. See you next week!**


	6. Yasar

**Chapter 6: Yasar**

 _Six months before the disappearance_

After my disturbed night's rest I thought I would be a walking corpse but I actually feel kind of ok. I took a long shower and drank two cups of coffee before I kissed Piper goodbye and left through the front door to get my day started.

Currently, I'm making my way over to the car with a CD in my hand. It's kind of old school but I just love the sound of the spinning disc when it's inside of the CD player. It's a playlist I put together with all my favourite rock songs. When I listen to the playlist it always makes me feel good and increases my self-confidence. I open the door of the car, throw my stuff into the back so it lands on top of the passenger seat and start the engine. The car starts to come alive and soon the first notes of one of my all-time favourites blasts through the speakers. I start to tap my fingers on top of the steering wheel and can hardly contain myself as I drive out of the parking lot. I increase the volume and start to sing along.

 _"Ridin' down the highway_

 _Goin' to a show_

 _Stop in all the byways_

 _Playin' rock 'n' roll"_

I start to swing my head and finally I can feel that all the angst and stress is leaving my body. The chorus is coming so I prepare myself as I scream:

 _"It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock 'n' roll_

 _It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock 'n' roll_

 _If you think it's easy doin' one night stands_

 _Try playin' in a rock roll band_

 _It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock 'n' roll"_

Piper hates it when I sing along, she starts blushing and feels uncomfortable whenever I let myself go. I just love it, someday she will come to understand how much it can help a person to start the day on a positive note. Maybe I can get her to sing along with me, you never know. She can be full of surprises.

…..

After the pleasant ride I park my car and step outside. As I round the corner to VAA I can see Fahri standing in front of the door.

"Hey Fahri, I didn't expect to see you so soon." I walk up to him, take my keys out of the pocket of my jeans and unlock the door. Fahri steps in as I keep the door open.

"You really built yourself an amazing business you know, I'm proud of you Alex." Fahri gives me his most genuine smile as he looks around and inspects the entrance hall.

"Thanks, but I guess you are not here to feed my ego or to look around. What is that you want?" I walk Fahri over to my office and offer him a cup of coffee. After I hand him the steaming cup he takes a seat in front of my desk as I walk over to my chair.

"My buddies are coming today to bring all my equipment and to install it in the basement. I hope you haven't changed your mind." He takes a sip from his coffee and puts his cup on my desk.

I lean back and fold my hands. "No I haven't, although I have to admit that it entered my mind."

"Did you inform Piper about this newest development?"

"No I have not." I start to fidget my hands. The memories off last night come back and I can feel that the self-confidence that I built this morning is starting to come down.

"I didn't tell you that you couldn't. That part of the deal is your responsibility. I have nothing to do with it. But I would like to know if you tell her so I don't have to hide myself."

"You better start working on your disappearance skills, maybe buy yourself a cloak of invisibility." I chuckle at the thought.

He raises his eyebrow and takes his cup off my desk. "I have no idea what you are talking about."

"I'm not going to tell her. She doesn't need to worry about this kind of stuff." I tell him as I look him in the eye.

"Alright, it's up to you. So, I wanted to ask if I could borrow your key to the building to make a duplicate. Do you have a key of the back door?"

"Yeah, no problem." I take my keychain, slide two keys off and hand them over to Fahri.

"Thanks Alex. I knew I could count on you." He stand up and starts to leave my office. "See you later."

"See you later and close the door please."

Once he is gone I take off my glasses and lay my head in my hands. 'This is going to be one hell of a day' I think to myself. Nicky will be here soon so I have to make sure that I collect all the deliverances she has to process today. I regain my composure and turn on my computer.

…..

"You should have been at The Shack last night!" Nicky says as she barges into my office.

"What the fuck Nichols! You fucking scared me to death." I don't bother telling her it's inappropriate to enter without knocking. I know she just doesn't give a shit.

"No seriously Vause, you know I had that date right? Well, I took her to the bar and that bartender, Lorna something, looked jealous from the moment I walked in. I had too many drinks but anyway, I started kissing my date and Lorna came to us, punching her right in the nose telling her to fuck off cause apparently 'I'm hers'." Nicky starts to laugh as she continues to talk. "Well let's say that my night had a different ending than I expected but Jesus, this Lorna girl, she is some kind of fighter."

"I think I've had enough of lesbian drama for today." I smirk at Nicky. "But good for you Nichols."

"Well, the best is yet to come. I ditched my date and went home with Lorna."

"So you finally got into her pants." I interrupt her story.

"Damn right I did!" Nicky can't contain her smile as she looks at me. "By the way, I don't know what happened to you last night but you look like shit." She points to the dark circles under my eyes.

"Fuck off, Pipes and I were busy." I wink at Nicky so she knows what I'm talking about.

"So I was not the only one who got to have a ride yesterday."

"Jesus Nichols, that sounds disgusting. Anyway, I sent you an email with your work assignment so you don't come barging in here every few hours to ask me what your next task is." I say as I look back to the computer.

"Alright, see you later Vause!"

…..

"I never would have thought that I would see any old boyfriends of yours showing up." Nicky says as she walks in, barely an hour since our last conversation.

"What are you talking about?" I don't bother to look up and keep my eyes to the screen and keep on typing on my keyboard.

"Well, there is this man in the front that looks like a Mid-Eastern serial killer claiming that he is more then a friend of yours." Nicky looks at me with a weird face.

"Shit" I mutter under my breath. "I'll handle it."

"You wanna fill me in on this weird turn of events?" Nicky crosses her arms and tries to stare me down.

"There is nothing to tell, he is just a business partner." I say a little harsher then I should have as I stand up.

"So it's a total coincidence that this guy looks like Fahri's twin brother whom I know for sure doesn't exist." Nicky blocks my way.

And here I thought Nicky wouldn't remember meeting Fahri seeing as she only met him a couple of times and every time she was either drunk or high. I'm stupid. Real stupid. "I don't have time for this, let me through." I demand as I force my way out of my office.

"This conversation isn't over Vause!" Nicky yells after me.

…

"Alex, hey, thanks for letting me borrow your keys." Fahri hands me the metal ring that's holding the two keys together.

Nicky walks up to us and for a minute I'm afraid that she will say something. I'm relieved when she walks past us without saying a word. She goes over to the front desk and resumes her work. I take Fahri by the arm and drag him outside. We walk over to the back door at the other side of the building. "Do you have any idea what you just did there?"

"I guess Nicky wasn't too happy to see me again after all this time." Fahri smirks and lights up a cigarette.

"What the fuck Fahri, I thought I was pretty clear on the whole 'I don't want my friends to know' situation." I throw my hands in the air. "But guess what, I was wrong for the hundredth time."

"Don't forget that I'm helping you here Alex. We are both doing each other a favour."

I'm about to get real angry when I hear a beeping noise. I look to my left and there is a big truck driving backwards towards us.

"Ah, that'll be my crew to make the basement ready to roll." Fahri walks up to the guys that are climbing out of the truck. They shake hands. Fahri must have said something funny as the three men start to laugh. To make myself seem busy I take out my phone and unlock the screen. No new messages or calls, great, fucking great. I could call Piper to ask how her day is going since I left before she was up.

"Alex, come meet my friends!" Fahri yells as he motions for me to come over.

I take a deep breath to try and shake of the rising anger. I walk up to the guys and can hear their Mid-Eastern accent while they speak English. I can't seem to pinpoint where that accent could come from. Anyway, it clearly doesn't matters since I'm not here to make any friends or to get back into the drug business. As I walk up to them I'm still deciding whether it's even a good idea to meet these people. The less I have anything to do with them the better.

"Alex, this is Yasar." He gestures towards the man on his right. He looks very young and isn't as tall as he looked from afar. His dark hair is fairly long and covers a part of his face. There is a scar that is barely visible being that it's covered by the black locks. He shakes my hand and gives me a smile. It seems sincere but you can never be so sure. "And this is Zafir, you probably met him before."

"Yeah, I remember you. Vause, right?" Zafir shakes my hand. "We met in Egypt but that was a long time ago. I must say, you were quite memorable." He looks me up and down.

"Thanks, I bet my girlfriend will agree with you." Zafir chuckles at my comment.

"Still as funny as I remember. I told you she was a keeper Fahri." Zafir looks at Fahri and the two men start to laugh again. Yasar seems to feel uncomfortable as he walks away and opens the back of the truck.

"I'll let you men get back to work." I walk away and go straight back to my office. I ignore Nicky on my way over and sigh deeply as I sit back in my chair.

…..

*Riiiing Riiiing*

I grab my phone to look at the caller ID. "Nichols why the fuck are you calling me?" I say as I pick up.

"Well, I wouldn't interrupt the queen of the fucking Nile if I had any other option but I just wanted to inform you that there is this certain blond standing in front of me with a bag full of Chinese food. But since you're not interested I think I'm going to enjoy her company." I can hear Piper laughing in the background.

"Give me a second, I'll be right there." I stand up but before I make my way over to Piper and Nicky I send Fahri a quick text telling him that she's here and that I don't want her to see him or his friends. I really don't want Piper to get involved. I know Nicky wants answers and that's all I can take right now. Getting Piper involved would make everything ten times worse and more complicated.

I walk through the corridor and can hear her talking. Her voice always seems to calm me down, it soothes me. She sounds so lovely. "Hey Pipes!" I give her kiss. I don't care that Nicky is watching.

"Hey Al, I'm here to surprise you with a fantastic meal and if you're really nice maybe even more." Piper winks at me.

"Alex has a lot of work, I can take over from here." Piper starts to laugh at Nicky's remark.

"No thanks Nichols, I don't think you're able to handle Pipes, she can be a handful." We burst into laughter as Piper looks at us with a puzzled look.

"Well thanks Alex. You just officially ruined my lunch. I think I'm going to find another brunette who is worthy of my time" Piper says as she walks towards the door.

"No Piper." I grab her by the hand and pull her towards me. Our chests are pressed against each other. "This hot brunette is all you need."

"Before you jump each other can you please move it to your office." Nicky sits back on her chair and swings her feet into the air so that they land on top of the desk.

"Come on Pipes, let's go to my office. I'm starving." I squeeze her hand and lead her to my office.

She pulls out the food and I can't hold back the moan when the smell fills my nostrils. She has bought a lot of food. There's probably enough to share with Nicky but I'm a bit selfish at the moment. I want Piper and me to have some quality time.

…..

"Mmh, that was really good Pipes, thanks."

"You are welcome Alex. I thought you could use that after last night. I heard you in the early morning. You were switching sides every few seconds. How come you couldn't sleep?" Pipes is sitting on my lap. My hands are around her waist, holding her so that she won't fall.

I know I have to come up with an answer but my mind is blank at the moment. It's only been one day, one day since I jumped into a deep hole feet first. A shiver runs through me and I look deep into her blue orbits. I can see the waves in the ocean that are her eyes, she drifts me away as I hold onto a log of wood trying to keep my head up. I know Piper can find out any minute what is going on but I'm not gonna tell her. I know I've already had this conversation with myself but I have to convince myself that it is still the right decision to not tell her. "I was too worn out after that exercise we had so I couldn't get myself to sleep. Also, all the stress was still present inside my body. I'll feel better when things aren't as hectic as they are now." I try to convince her.

"Are you sure Alex?"

"Yes, and I'm also sure that I really love you at this moment."

"At this moment? That's so much for you trying to be romantic." She chuckles and starts tickling me. "Anyway I have to get back to work. Can you pick me up at nine?"

"Yes, I will. See you later." Piper takes my head into her hands and kisses me slowly. Her tender lips keep brushing against mine and I would want to pause at this exact moment. I want to stay here forever.

"See you later Al!" She gives me a final kiss and then she is up on her feet and leaves my office.

…..

"Alex right?"

I look up from behind my computer and Yasar is in front of me. What the hell is he doing here. I thought he had left with Zafir and Fahri a few hours ago. It's almost time for me to go pick up Piper so I'm really not in the mood to start a conversation with someone that I barely know and don't want to get to know. I had a bad feeling when I shook his hand today. Being part of the drug world means that you encounter a lot of weird looking and shady people. I'm not interested in that anymore so I want to get out and enjoy my night with my beautiful girlfriend.

"Yes, Yasar. I thought you left with Fahri and Zafir?"

"Yeah that was the plan but I still had to set up the computer in the basement." He sits down in front of my desk.

I'm starting to feel threatened. I have to remember myself to keep my cameras rolling all the time. Things are getting a bit too weird and I don't want to risk anything happening without getting it recorded. "Is there anything I can help you with?" I feel my mood changing, I'm agitated and ready to knock him down if I have to.

"I'm here to tell you that I hold you responsible."

What the actual fuck. "I'm confused, what do you mean?" I put my glasses on top of my head and give him a puzzled look.

"What I mean is that if anything happens, if anything turns out wrong with the business or with Fahri I'm holding you responsible." He walks towards me and puts his hands on my desk. "I think it's time for you to say goodbye to your happy lesbian lifestyle."

"What the fuck, excuse me! Who the hell do you think you are?" In a second I'm on my feet and we stand face to face, only the desk is separating us.

"I think I'm very clear here. You offered Fahri a place to set up his business. You will see everything that's going on here. So, if there are missing drug packages, if money is stolen or if people disappear I want you to know it's on you. To be absolutely sure that you understand what I'm saying I am going to repeat what I said. I'm holding you responsible Alex. It will all be on you" He turns around and leaves my office but before he closes my door he turns around and looks at me. "If anything happens, it's on you."

 **I hope that you enjoyed this chapter. Please let me know what you think. Have a good week!**


	7. Fear of running

**Chapter 7: Fear of running**

 _Four days before the disappearance_

"Pipes, please call me back." -

"It's me again, can you please call me." -

"Hey, I went by the store and you weren't there. Call me as soon as possible." -

I'm starting to sound pathetic but I really need her to pick up. It can't be that hard, right? Despite my complete trust in him he ruined me. After months of hiding and excuses I'm tired of it all. She needs to know, it can't wait anymore. It's getting too dangerous.

"Piper, fucking hell, just pick up the damn phone!" It isn't fair that I'm calling her out on something she can't do anything about. I know that she's in the middle of this important meeting with a possible client but this can't wait. I need her. I need her right this second. She has to come over so I can spill it all out and she can yell, scream, cry and hopefully in the end, she'll try to help me.

Nicky was right. I know that I'm a fuck up but I really dug myself into a big hole here. I really hate to say it but all along, she was right.

" _Alright Vause, I'm fucking done with this shit. We are going to sit down and you are going to tell me what the hell is going on or I'm going to resign." Nicky drags me into a booth at The Shack. Her facial expression screams that she's furious. I've been keeping her in the dark these past days. I haven't had a decent talk with her since she told me that Fahri was back. I know that I can't get out of this situation. If I keep my mouth shut or lie to her I'm going to lose my best friend._

" _Don't forget that I offered this job to you cause you needed my help. Not the other way around." I remind her of the reason I hired her in the first place. After Nicky cleaned herself up in rehab her mother forced her to take on a job so she could learn about real responsibilities. If she refused she wouldn't see a penny of her heritage._

" _Cut the crap Alex, I'm tired of this!"_

 _I'm taken aback. I've never seen Nicky this pissed off in my whole life. I've known her since forever and the only time she uses my first name is when she is extremely angry with me, which doesn't happen very often, luckily. "Nichols, if I tell you this I need you to promise me to not tell Piper. She can't know."_

" _You know that keeping secrets from the person you love usually ends badly. But ok, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Lay it all out Vause." Nicky sinks into her seat and crosses her arms. She is waiting on me to tell her what's going on._

 _I take off my glasses and lay them on the table. I start to rub my hands on my forehead to sooth the headache that is surfacing. This is it. The moment of truth. "So, I take it that you do remember who Fahri is." Nicky nods her head but doesn't say a word. I continue. "Few days ago he came to VAA. He found me in a couple of days so I'm guessing it must not be too hard to figure out that I own the place. Apparently Kubra and Aydin are arrested and Fahri and I made a deal. Well, not really a deal cause I had no other option but to accept it."_

" _And what is this so called deal about?"_

" _In order for me to not get arrested and send to prison I need to let Fahri use the basement of VAA to run his business."_

" _I don't understand. You let him built his headquarters inside of VAA. Are you out of your mind? Vause, do you know what happens if someone finds out?" I can see the concern in Nicky's eyes growing with every minute that's passing._

" _I don't have a choice. It's either this or being sent to prison. Fahri is protecting me so I have to do this for him. If I had refused his offer I would have been locked up by now."_

 _Nicky lays her hand on top of my arm. "Holy fuck. This is worse than I thought. Please tell me you are not participating in any drug related shit. If you are then you have to tell Chapman cause if she finds out on her own your relationship will be over in a second and it will all be on you."_

 _Hearing Nicky saying the words Yasar used to describe the situation shocks me. How will it all be on me? This is so not fair. I'm doing my best considering the situation I'm in. I'm trying my best to keep it all together but all everyone does is telling me that 'It'll be on me' . I'm not buying that. This is not my fault. I didn't choose any of this. Fuck them._

 _She can see that I'm lost in my thoughts so she squeezes my arm to pull me back into the conversation. "She loves you but I'm afraid that if she finds out it won't be enough."_

" _I told Fahri that I don't want anything to do with his business. He can use my basement but that's it. I'm not gonna help him." I refuse to have a conversation about my relationship so I continue to talk around the topic that's desperate for attention._

… _._

"Alex, what's going on you left a ton of messages. My meeting isn't over, please call me back and tell me if I have to come over right away or if it can wait until tonight." -

I missed her call while I was going to the bathroom so I redial her number as I'm standing in the kitchen. My gun is stuffed in the back of my jeans, just in case. I'm relieved when she picks up after two rings.

"Hey Al, are you ok? What's going on?" She sounds worried.

"Please come home, I know that you looked forward to this meeting but I really need you to be here right now." I've never sounded so desperate. My voice cracks and I know that it isn't fair that I'm telling her to leave this opportunity. She worked so hard to get where she. I'm such a fuck up. "I'm sorry Piper. I'm so sorry." Tears are starting to spill from the corner of my eyes. Normally I'm really good at hiding my emotions. I almost never cry but right now I can't hold it back. I'm so afraid to tell her, afraid that she won't understand and that she'll never want to see me again.

"You are scaring me." Her voice is also cracking. "Are you breaking up with me?" She whispers.

I can hear that she is holding her breath. "No god, Piper. I would never. It's just… "

"What is it Alex? You can tell me."

"He is back." I know I'm not really specific but I can't get myself to tell her any details, especially over the phone.

"What do you mean. You can know that you can tell me everything."

She shouldn't be trying to comfort me. It should be the other way around. "Fahri, he is back."

"I'm coming home." The line goes dead and I'm imagining Piper excusing herself for having to leave the meeting so early before she runs out of the building to get to our apartment.

… _._

After the line went dead I walked over to the couch and sat myself down with a glass of scotch. I look around the apartment and I'm overcome by angst. What if she leaves me? What if she never wants to see me again? I know that every scenario is better than her leaving cause I know that if she leaves, my mom will be the only reason to live and I'm afraid that over time it won't be enough. Shit, mom, I haven't even told her what is going on. Maybe I should call her, she can calm me down. She will be the rational one.

… _._

"Hey mom."

"Hey Alex, it's been a while since you called me. You know owning a business isn't an excuse to forget your mother." Diane chuckles.

"Mom, I really need your advice." I'm trying my best not to cry as I'm telling her everything that's going on. I try to keep a steady voice while I tell her about Fahri, Yasar and my conversation with Nicky. "She is going to leave me." It's been a long time since I've been this vulnerable in front of her, although it's over the phone she can always sense my mood.

"How do you know that Alex? I know the way she looks at you, she really loves you."

"Back then in Paris she came really close to leaving me. But now, I betrayed her and lied. I'm afraid that loving me won't be enough this time." I remember Nicky's words. "She made me into the person that I am today. If she leaves me I'll…" I can't finish that sentence. She is it for me, she is the love of my life and if she leaves I will never be the same.

"Whatever happens I'm here for you. Don't make up all these doom scenario's Alex. Tell her, she may surprise you." Diane sounds really confident.

I hear the sound of footsteps and rattling keys in the hallway. "She's here, I'll call you later." I love the fact that my mom always supports me. She will always be right by my side.

"It will all be ok kid."

"Thanks mom!" I put my phone in my pocket and stand up as I hear a key sliding into the lock. The lock clicks and Piper enters the apartment.

She doesn't say a word as she hangs up her jacket and removes her shoes. She turns around slowly and walks towards me. The sound of her footsteps is muffled by her socks on the hardwood floor. She takes my hands and keeps quiet as she stands in front of me. I can hear her breathing as once again I get lost in her blue ocean. We keep staring into each other's eyes, it seems to be going on forever. Time stops, all we need in this moment is each other cause we both feel the thunder clouds that are hanging above us. This can mean the end for us, we both feel it and neither of us is ready to admit it.

"Alex" She says.

I'm trying to keep on breathing, a steady pace. In the back of my mind I can hear a ticking clock. Valuable time is passing and every second is needed. Every second that I waste is one too many.

"He is back." I try to sound as confident as I can. She needs this. I can't break down in front of her.

"You already said that but what does it mean?" She let's go of my hands and sits herself down on the couch. "I want to try to understand what is going on but you have to give me more than 'he is back'."

I turn around so I'm facing her. I walk up to the couch and sit down on the ground, right in front of her. My phone starts ringing but I turn it off. Now is not the time. I have a lot of explaining to do so I take a deep breath and I lay it all out on the table.

When I'm finished she looks away.

"I want to know how you feel." I try to catch her eyes and reach out for her hands. She retracts them and folds them over her chest trying to protect herself by holding this defensive posture.

"I feel betrayed." Her voice is strong. "And I'm really fucking angry. Not because of the things you are telling me but because you chose to keep it a secret. Why did you feel as if you couldn't tell me? For fucks sake, I'm your girlfriend Alex. How dare you to keep this from me. To lie to me and to tell me that you're only stressed because of the overload of work. I thought that this really meant something to you." She is referring to our relationship, I can feel it. "But maybe I'm wrong. Am I wrong?"

I don't know what to say. I expected her to rage and cry but she is doing neither of those things. Finally she looks at me. Waiting for my answer. "You know that you mean everything to me." It's all I can say.

"I'm not so sure anymore." Once again silence falls upon us. I'm waiting for her to say it. Waiting for her to stand up and run. Waiting for her to leave. I'm preparing myself for what's to come. "So, what now?" She takes me by surprise.

"I can pack my bags." I should be the one to leave seeing that I fucked up. It's my responsibility.

"That's not what I mean. What is your plan? How are we going to tackle this issue?"

We? Is she staying?

"Wake up Alex. What are we going to do next?"

This is not even close to what I expected to happen. My mind is racing and I'm trying to think of a plan. I have to give her some hope. We can get through this. We will get through this. I'm trying to connect all the dots. Everything falls into place and I know what to do.

"Ok, here is what's going to happen. You are going to live your life and from now on I'm going to fill you in on everything that happens. I know how I can fix this." I get up from the ground and walk to the bedroom to get my laptop. I walk back to the couch and take the place next to her. I type in my password and connect to the internet. "First of all, I have to find Fahri. I have to get him to give me the drugs so I can give them back to Yasar."

Piper sits up straight and looks at the computer. "Alex, are you sure that you can handle this on your own?"

"I have been part of this business for quite a long time. If anyone can do this it's me." I wink at Piper and give her a kiss on her cheek. I really love this woman.

"Enough with the ego. Fill me in on this plan of yours and don't you dare to leave out any details." She looks determined, telling me that we can do this, together.

"Ok good. First I need you to know that whatever happens you cannot call the police. If you call them it will be game over and I will go straight to prison. I'm in all this mess cause I tried to avoid being locked up. If you call them you'll never see me again, so please, I'm asking you to trust me."

I can see that she is overthinking the words that just left my mouth. "I will do my best. But if it gets really dangerous you can't blame me if I do end up calling the police."

"No Pipes you can't. I'm guessing you don't want me to end up in prison so please, just don't." I give her a hug. "We can do this." She hugs me back.

"Yes we can." She releases herself and lets out a sigh.

"I have a pretty good idea of where I can find Fahri. Do you remember his hiding space in Cambodia?" I open the google web page and type in the name of the place where I know he will be.

"Are you telling me that you are going to Cambodia?" She looks at me with fearful eyes.

"I have to get him to give me the drugs, or at least the money so I can pay off Yasar. I have no fucking clue why Fahri stole his goods but I hope he did have a good reason. He never fucked me over so I have no idea what happened here. I have to find out what happened Pipes. It's my only chance."

"Are you going to Cambodia?"

"Fuck no, first I have to find out what happened before I make the rash decision to fly out to the other part of the world." I'm already breaking my promise to fill her in on every detail of my plan.

"You can't do this Alex, you are cutting me off again. Are you going by yourself?"

"This is not open for debate. I need you here in case something happens and you have to take care of things." I hope that she gets my message across. I'm not going to tell her specifically that I'm in fact going to Cambodia. If something goes wrong the police will go after her and she has to seem innocent. She can't know for sure where I will go.

"I really hate you you know."

Yes, she got the message. "No you don't."

"No. I don't."

…..

The airport is crowded and noisy. I put my headphones in and wait for my flight to start boarding. Passing security was difficult. I'm glad that I managed to get my gun through customs, I'm diving head first into this web of lies, money and drugs so protection is necessary. You never know who or what is coming for you. I have to watch my back. Piper asked me to promise her that I would text her every hour to let her know that I'm still alive, wherever I am. I teased her that she was overdramatic and that everything would turn out just fine. I comforted her and promised that when I return their will be lots of sex to make up for the lost time. I know she needed to see me leave being self-assured and convinced that I can pull this off. I put on the though act but deep down I know that there's this big possibility that something will go wrong. Relieve followed when our conversation was over. I really thought our relationship was coming to an end after the dramatic turn of events yesterday. I think back to the phone call I was having before Piper came home. I should have called my mom again but she doesn't need to know what is going on. I'll call her when I come back.

'We are boarding flight CB2490 to Phom Penh, Cambodia at gate 14.'

With my passport in hand I walk towards the gate. The line is fairly long so I will have to wait a few minutes before it's my turn to walk into the tunnel that will lead me to the plane. The line gets shorter and it's my turn to give my ticket and passport. The lady takes the items and looks thoroughly, checking every letter that is written on my ticket.

"Can you please wait for a second someone will come and get you."

"Is there something wrong here?" I'm starting to feel nervous although I have done this a hundredth times. I'm not even carrying any drugs or money this time so my nerves can fuck off.

"Please wait a second." The woman in front of me is sending off some weird vibes. Two security guys show up and they take me with them. The other passengers in line give me some questioning looks as they see me leave. We walk for a few minutes before we enter an interrogation room. The light shines really bright and I'm having trouble to see anything.

"Vause, Alex?" One of the men asks me.

"Yes, who is asking." I can barely get these words out before I'm smacked in the head with a large object. My glasses fall off and I can hear a crack, they must be broken. My head is spinning and I can feel a faint stream of blood running from the top of my head towards my cheekbone and ultimately landing on top of my shoulder. Everything is starting to blur. I can see their mouths moving as they are forming sentences but the only thing I hear is white noise. My eyelids are starting to feel heavy and everything becomes black.

" _Everything will be ok Pipes, you'll see. I'll be back in no time." I give her a kiss on the cheek. She looks gorgeous while being asleep. I walk out of the bedroom with my backpack and suitcase ready to take on the world. "See you in a few days." I whisper into the darkness as I close the door and leave the apartment._

 **I was overcome by a wave of inspiration this weekend so I had to rewrite my chapters and couldn't wait to post the next chapter to get the ball rolling. I won't have any time to post the following days so I'll see you next weekend. Please review if you enjoy the story. I know a lot of you are dying to know what happened to Alex but the story wouldn't be exciting if I told you right away ;-) . Have a great week!**


	8. Love hurts the most

**Chapter 8: Love hurts the most**

The colours that fill the sky make the world a peaceful place. The night is falling, the red and yellow streaks welcome me. The sand that creeps between my toes feels the same as the concrete I used to walk on for years. The longing for the view that awaits after the dunes is overwhelming. The familiar waves keep on rolling and crashing onto the sand before they retract. The years that were filled with sounds of music and laughter in bars and clubs are now replaced by the cadence of the sea. Every night I enjoy the same feeling of being alone, seeing how the sun disappears and hoping that somehow it was able to take me with so we could rise on another part of the world. This is the only time in my day where I allow myself to be the real me.

Looking in the mirroring is starting to be effortless, I can feel at ease whenever I stare at my own reflection. Every time I had to look at myself these past two years the only thing I could see was a stranger. Someone who didn't resemble me although I tried really hard to recognize myself. The dark long locks, the glasses, the green eyes, the eyeliner and the rock-type clothes, they are all gone. The cocky smiles, smirking grins and sarcastic comments are still surfacing from time to time but I try my best to display them at a minimum level. The scars that are hidden by my clothes work as a constant reminder. My old self is still there, buried under the piles of books that fill my place. The tattoo on my right shoulder is faded to make it less noticeable. I only dare to look at it when I absolutely have to, this being my most vulnerable moments. The only one with whom I share the view of the ink is the woman that lives with me. She comforts me as I try to distance myself from the emotions, anger and hurt that has been trying to rip my heart out of my chest. The source are the thoughts of her whenever she intrudes my mind. My stomach flutters when all the memories surface. I imagine her being somewhere, happy and relieved knowing that I'm gone. The assurance must have helped to set her free from my grasp. To see her move on from the hardest part of her still young life.

Thinking about her is always tricky, it brings a whole lot of happy memories and incredible feelings but the other side of reality is always there. We had an amazing life, we were the real thing. So as I sit here on the beach taking the opportunity to think about her, a dozen questions arise.

 _Could you have ever imagined that something like this would happen?_

 _Did you really think that it would all work out the way you wanted?_

 _Is she still as much in love with you as you are with her?_

 _Is she happy?_

 _Had you ever thought about letting go of the most important person of your life?_

I never had. I had a few weeks to prepare myself before I felt slightly ready to let go of my mom. To let go of my best friend and leaving the only one who was able to awaken the best things inside of me. Who was able to set free all the love that I so desperately tried to keep in.

Right now, there is not much to say. I'm here, she's somewhere else. What we could have been still affects me. I'm coping very well but sometimes when I'm here on the beach I can't help but imagine what our life would have been like.

Because now, on this part of the world, it's all very different from what it could have been. The question keeps on coming but I always end up pondering on a specific one.

 _Will she ever forgive me?_

….

"So Chapman, how is Liv doing?"

"She's good. We went to see a movie yesterday and afterwards she invited me over to her place." I walk next to Nicky as we are heading over to the Shack to pick up Lorna. It has been awhile since we all got together and enjoyed our night as a normal group of friends. It used to be the four of us, then we fell back to being with three and now, we are slowly beginning to form a group of four again. I never thought that I would say it but it starts to feel normal. The person that should have been here is starting to fade away. Sometimes the guild finds its way into my life but I'm proud of myself that I can finally get the words out that being with a 'new' four of us could be a good thing, it feels good.

"Oh how did that work out?" Nicky says as she bumps against my shoulder, I almost trip and fall but save myself by pulling at her arm.

"I didn't sleep with her if that's what you are getting at. We talked and drank some wine. Did you know that it is possible to have a conversation with a girl without wanting to get into her pants?"

"I have never even thought about that." Nicky holds the door for me as I walk into the bar. Lorna already changed her clothes and is holding her bag, ready to leave. I walk up to her and give her a hug before I step outside and give the couple a few minutes to greet each other.

"You ready to go Piper?" Lorna gestures for me to follow her and Nicky.

"So where is it that we are going?"

"You know you could have invited her Chapman. We are dying to meet the girl that stole your heart. You've been hiding her for quite a while now. Is she ugly, unintelligent? Is that why we haven't seen her? Is she even real?" Nicky chuckles at her own attempt to make me feel uncomfortable.

"Nicky, stop trying to tackle her self-confidence." Lorna slaps Nicky on the arm and gives her a kiss on the cheek to tell her that she's just playing.

"Thanks Lorna. But to answer your question Nicky. She is stunning, I would even go as far to say that she's fucking hot. We only dated for a few weeks but it is starting to feel like a steady thing. I might even call it a relationship but I have to check back with her to be completely sure." I start to smile as the words leave my mouth.

Nicky lets go of Lorna's hand and wraps her arm around my shoulder. "I'm happy for you. I really am."

"You know what, Nicky, you are right. You want to meet this girl? Well, I'll call her and ask if she wants to join us tonight." I pull out my phone and search through my contacts to find the right number.

"That's the best idea that ever left your mouth. Lorna and I will take our seats in the car. You can step inside as soon as you're done."

Lorna and Nicky step into the car to give me some privacy. I walk towards the vehicle and lean against the black painted door. I hesitate before pressing the call button. This is a big moment, me introducing my new girlfriend to my dearest friends with whom I share the person that meant the most to me. Every once in a while I enjoy to reminisce but now I know that it's time to make new moments, new memories, to build a new life. "Hey Liv, how are you? I have a question. Do you have any plans for tonight cause if not then you are welcome to spend the night with my friends and I."

….

Our night went by fast. Liv and I made it official by introducing her as my girlfriend. I'm really pleased that Nicky and Lorna seem to like her. We had a few drinks and after several hours we split up and called it a night.

I invited Liv over to my apartment. She hasn't been here before because I was scared for her reaction. The words I spoke at the funeral where true, I can't remove the picture. Since its size is rather big and it's a prominent decoration in my apartment I'm scared that she will feel intimidated. It seems as if I can't let go of the past. But now, I'm ready to let her in. If I want this relationship to work I have to learn to trust her. I have to believe that Liv won't leave me like she did.

"Wow! What a nice and cosy place you have here."

"Thanks, it isn't much but I certainly took my time when I redecorated the living room and kitchen. You want something to drink?"

"Just a glass of water please." Liv walks around and takes a look at the piles of literature that are neatly stacked in and on top of the bookcase. I'm secretly hoping that the cracked glasses won't catch her eye as she looks at everything that my living room and kitchen is displaying. I can see her gaze switching as she walks towards the couch and looks at the picture in front of her. "Is that Alex?" Her voice is soft.

I'm not taken aback, I was kind of prepared for this question to be asked. "Yes." I walk towards her and hand her a glass. "That's Alex."

"She's pretty."

My lungs inhale a deep breath. "Yeah, she was." I take a seat on the couch and she joins me. She puts her glass on the table next to her and takes one of my hands in hers. I wait a few moments before I decide to pick up a conversation. "So, what did you think of my friends?"

"They are really nice, laid back and hilarious people. For real, I've never had that much fun with people that I didn't know beforehand. That Nicky is one hell of a woman and is very lucky to have such an amazing girlfriend. I'm surprised Lorna manages to keep her in line." She starts laughing.

"I've been trying to get her to tell me the secret." Our shared laughter fills the room and for a few minutes the only sounds that can be heard are our slightly raised breaths as the laughter dies down.

"I'm really happy that you called me today Piper, I know that it's a big step for you. I want you to know that I will not push you into something that you are not ready for. I really like you and I will give you all the time you need. I saw how you looked at me once I pointed at the picture behind us. I'm not threatened by it, I actually feel kind of the opposite. It proves that you really invested all your love into the relationship you had with her and I can't be more than happy that you seem to be like someone who really cares about who she's with. I didn't mean to make this into a big speech, I guess I just want you to know that I'm here."

I have to take a second to take in all the things she is saying. How can she be so kind when the evidence of my former relationship is still so present in my life? I remind myself that I will not let go of Olivia. She's really nice, well-spoken, intelligent, funny and extremely attractive. She is staring into my eyes and I know that I have to say something. "Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me." I squeeze her hand and lean in, almost touching her lips. "I don't know when I'll be ready to share Alex with you. But when the time is right, I will." Liv closes the last distance that is keeping us apart and captures my lips. This is the first time that I'm kissing someone other than Alex. I thought that it would feel weird but I'm actually enjoying myself. Her lips feel soft and she kisses me tenderly. The touch of our lips doesn't last long but the meaning behind it is enough to make me feel alive.

"I'm kind of tired but you are welcome to spend the night."

"I would very much like that." She follows me into the bedroom and it doesn't take us very long before we fall asleep. She takes my side while I lay on Alex's.

…

" _I'm sorry Alex, I'm so sorry."_

" _Well fuck you for thinking that you can replace me." Alex is standing on the edge of a cliff. She doesn't look at me as she is dangling on a thin line between life and death._

" _Alex please, forgive me. I love you so fucking much." I try to reach out to take her hand but the distance between us seems to become larger. She is slipping away. "Al, look at me, please look at me." It takes a while before she turns around. I'm in shock when I see her face. It's covered in blood and bruises, she doesn't look like herself. Her glasses are gone and one of her dark locks is cut off._

" _It's time Pipes, I have to go." Alex turns back around, bents her knees and swings her arms backwards, ready to take the jump._

" _No Alex, please I beg you, don't you dare to leave me! Not again!" I scream. Rough sounds escape my throat, I'm going to lose my voice as I yell her name repeatedly. I keep on screaming but she doesn't respond to any of my gestures._

" _I have to go. For you. I have to go so you can be with her." I hear her soft voice and I wish that I was able to give her one last kiss before she will be gone. "I love you Pipes." The words leave her mouth and she jumps. I can't see her anymore. I fall on my knees and I can't stop the tears. I'm crying as hard as I can trying to get her back to me._

"ALEX!"

"ALEX!"

"Don't you fucking leave me!"

"Piper are you ok?" Liv is shaking my shoulders trying to wake me up. "Piper, I'm here. It's ok."

I wake up and in seconds I sit upright against the headboard. I'm breathing irregularly and my face is covered in salt liquid. Liv takes me into her arms, trying to calm me down. I'm feeling ashamed, it's been so fucking long since I've had any of these nightmares. "I'm sorry." I whisper.

"It's ok, really Piper, I get it." She keeps on hugging me and tries to move my body so we can lie down next to each other. Her grip on me tightens. She's trying to tell me that she won't leave. At some point the tears dry up and I fall back into a deep sleep being held by my new love.

When the morning comes I'm alone in my bed. I can hear something falling in the kitchen so I decide to stand up. I make my way into the bathroom, take a quick shower, brush my teeth and comb my hair before I walk out.

"Good morning."

"Hey you, I'm glad you managed to get back to sleep. Are you feeling better?" Liv comes up to me and puts her hands on my waist.

"Yes, thank you for everything." I give her a small peck on the lips.

"You don't have to thank me. I tried to find your coffee pot but I tripped over my own feet and broke one of your mugs. I already cleaned it up but I'm sorry." She points to the pile of fragments on the kitchen counter.

"That's ok, it's one of the ugly mugs anyway." I reach for one of the cupboards and take out the coffee pot.

"Hey, is it ok if I take a shower?"

"Yeah of course. I'll give you a towel." I start to walk back to the bedroom to lead her to the adjacent bathroom.

"I didn't bring any spare clothes since I wasn't expecting to stay the night. Could I borrow some?" She seems to be slightly uncomfortable asking me this question.

"Sure, no problem. It's Sunday so I'll give you some comfortable sweats and a shirt if that's ok." I walk to my closet and open the door.

"Yeah that's great. Thanks." She follows me and stands behind me as I look through the closet.

The right part of the wardrobe is still full with clothes of Alex. I still don't have the courage to take them out cause honestly, I don't know what to do with them. I can't sell them, donate them or throw them away. It doesn't seem right so they have to stay right here. I never wear any of her attire and I'm sure as hell am not gonna let anyone else wear something from her. I pull out a plain white shirt and some black sweats from my pile. I hand them over to Olivia and leave my bedroom as she walks into the bathroom.

After twenty minutes she walks back into the kitchen and we sit down to eat breakfast. We talk a little but mostly enjoy each other's presence. "So what did you have in mind to do?"

"I'm actually still tired so maybe we could watch a movie or something." The shame of what happened at night creeps under my skin. Liv hasn't mentioned it so I guess she's ok with having to witness whatever that was. The battle between her and Alex that has been going on in my head is coming to an end. It feels as if Alex acknowledged her loss by leaving me for the last time, last night, in my dream. Liv wins and I'm going to let her to collect her price, me allowing myself to love her.

"That sounds great, let's sit down on the couch. What kind of genre do you like?" We walk towards the brown leather sofa and sit down next to each other.

"I like to watch detectives, psychological thrillers, romantic movies, drama's. I just like every genre, maybe it's best if you choose." I let out a small laugh.

"Yeah sure, are you up for a thriller then?"

I turn on the TV and we scan the thriller section on Netflix. Our eyes fall upon The Silence Of The Lambs.

"Oh Piper! We should watch that one. It's so good."

I enjoy her enthusiasm and press play. I lay my head in her lap and our eyes fixate on the screen.

I must have fallen asleep because when I open my eyes the credits are rolling and Liv grabs the remote. I shuffle to change my position, still laying my head on her lap. "Hey sleepyhead, you didn't even make it through the first part of the movie." She starts to stroke her fingers through my blonde hair.

"Sorry, I was so tired I kind of knew this would happen."

"So it was your intention to fall asleep on my lap?" She gives me a big smile as I remove my head and start to sit up.

"You wish." I give her a wink and kiss her on the cheek. I'm really glad that she lets me set the pace of our affection. I'm not ready to dive into sex but I still enjoy the kisses, embraces and little touches. Liv shuts Netflix off and starts to scroll through the TV channels. I try to look at the screen but every two seconds I catch myself looking at her from the corner of my eyes.

"You know you can look at me right." Liv turns her head and stares into my eyes. "Actually I'm flattered that you can't keep your eyes off of me." She leans in and kisses me before she looks back to the screen and stumbles upon a music channel. The song that fills the room is one that I never thought I would hear ever again. My ears are filled with the song that I used to listen to when she disappeared 'For Blue Skies'. I take Liv's hand motioning her to keep the channel on. She looks at my shocked face as I listen to the lyrics, carefully, taking in every word that is being said.

" _It's been a long year, since we last spoke_

 _How's your halo? Just between you and I_

 _You and me and the satellites, I never believed you, I only wanted to_

 _I can't get used to it, I'll never get used to it"_

Liv grabs my hands and pulls me up on my feet. She wraps her hands around me and holds me tight. She received my message, she knows what this means. She can feel it. This is the moment where I relive everything that happened. This is the moment where I will let her go being held in the arms of my lover. So we start to move slowly wiggling from feet to feet. I start to mumble the lyrics as my chin now lays on top of her shoulder. She can hear my voice resonating in her ears.

" _Could I have saved you? Would that betrayed you?_

 _For blue, blue skies_

 _For blue, blue skies_

 _I'll forgive you_

 _I'll forgive you_

 _I'll forgive you"_

The song comes to an end and the following one is an up tempo pop song. Liv turns around and goes to turn off the TV. The brief intermezzo of the next song interrupted our intimate moment. She returns to stand in front of me and once again pulls me into a hug. We keep on standing there for a few minutes as we keep moving to the silence that now fills the room.

"I really want this to work." I whisper into her ear.

"Me too. Remember what I told you yesterday. I really mean it. Take all the time you need."

"I never thought that I would able to love someone after she left. She…" I take a moment to collect myself. "She was the love of my life."

"The love you are holding for her never has to leave. It will always be a part of you but I hope that you can let me in so I can love you."

"I think I can do that." I lift my head of her shoulder and stare into her eyes. I kiss her deeply as I let go of all the emotions . We find a pleasant rhythm to enjoy each other's lips and tongues. I can really feel her, I'm finally here with her. I'm choosing her and I'm choosing her love. We continue to kiss until we have to come up for air. "Thank you."

"As I said before, you don't have to thank me."

"Is it ok if I tell you about her, about Alex?"

"You don't have to if you're not ready, but if you are, I'm here to listen." She guides me back to the couch and we lay down facing each other. Our hands are propped up under our heads so we are able to really look at one another.

"I don't know where to start."

"It's ok Piper. I'm here. I'm not gonna leave."

It's time to let her in. Our relationship can only work if she understands how much Alex meant to me. It's time to tell my story.

"Alex and I, we met in a bar. I was 22 and she was 25. She came up to me and made fun of the margarita that I ordered. I was there to ask for a job but she took my resume and laughed at my attempt to fake previous jobs. She could really see through me. After she was done laughing I asked her name and she told me." I take a moment to think about our meeting. Her deep husky voice saying 'My name is Alex.' had me hooked from the first second. She was such a confident and beautiful appearance. "I asked her what her profession was and she came up with a ridiculous answer 'I work for an international drug cartel'. At first I thought that she was joking about the drug related job but after a while I realised that she wasn't. We continued to talk through the night and she gave me her number. A couple of weeks later, I found the courage to finally call her. In the mean time we saw each other at several parties but she never came up to me. After I called we spent the night together and from there on we started a relationship. It didn't take her very long before she told me she loved me." I stare into Liv's eyes waiting for her to sign that she wants me to stop but the only thing I can see is her encouragement. She wants me to keep going. So I do. "We travelled the world together as she needed to get away for her job. At first it was all fantastic, I was young, had an amazing girlfriend who took me all over the world and went to the craziest hotels and bars. Months into our relationship I was bored out of my mind. She worked really hard, day and night so the time to spend with me became less and less. She had to work so hard to get where she was cause she grew up poor. Diane, her mom, did everything she could but she couldn't get the ends to meet. Alex stepped in and joined the drug cartel so she could help her mom. And she did. She bought her a house. She loved her job but forgot to pay attention to the people that mattered the most. I can't blame her but when I was 24 I was done. I couldn't do it anymore. I wanted something steady and I wanted someone who paid attention to me so I gave her an ultimatum. I was overwhelmed by thoughts that she could be send to prison. We fought over the ultimatum but in the end, she chose me and bought herself out of the drug ring. She went into business school and when she was 29 she had her own business called VAA. Nicky is now the head of VAA cause she worked for Alex before she disappeared." I have to take a moment to breath. It felt good to let it all out but it is taking a lot from me.

I stand up and walk to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. I gulp it down and go back to the couch. Liv is sitting upright.

"Where was I. Oh yes, VAA. That's where everything will start to go down. Alex got a visit from an old friend. I actually hate him from the bottom of my heart. He is the reason that I lost her. He tricked her into helping and as a thank you she got into a mess that was so deep that she wasn't able to get out. It took her several months before she called me that she needed me home asap. She came clean and told me everything that had been going on. I was so madly in love with her that I thought that we could safe her, her job and our relationship. The last thing I wanted was for her to go to prison so I stood by her side. But when I woke up the following day she was gone. I knew she was going to leave to take care of it by herself but after four days I still hadn't heard anything. She was always good at disappearing but if there was one thing she always used to do it was letting me know she was ok. But as you can guess she never did. She broke my promise. After those four days I went to the police and from that day on she really vanished." I wanted this story to be over. It was so hard to relive all the emotions. I can't help but feel a certain longing as I'm nearing the end of my love story.

"Thirteen months into her disappearance, ..." My shoulders start shaking and my voice breaks. Liv takes my hands and waits till I'm ready to finish. "After thirteen months, they found evidence and we had to say goodbye. From that day on, ..." I gulp down the big lump in my throat. "She's gone."

Liv takes me into her arms. I'm glad that she's the one to whom I tell my story for the first time. She loosens her hold on me and brings her face closer to mine. Our noses are barely touching as I see her lips parting. She waits. It seems as if she is deciding whether or not to respond. Once again she parts her lips and the words that follow make Alex disappear, for good. "I love you Piper."

 **The wounds are still very raw. As you can see, after two years Piper is desperately trying to move on. She really wants to try to resume her life and to feel loved by someone other than Alex. I know that Piper left out a bunch of details while she was telling her story but I hope that you understand that it will take her time to fully trust Liv.**

 **I wanted to thank the ones who wrote a review. I'm flattered that you love the story. It encourages me to keep on writing and figuring out how Alex and Piper will grow as the story progresses.**

 **I hope that everyone will have a wonderful holiday season. Merry Christmas everyone!**


	9. When fire keeps you going

**Chapter 9: When fire keeps you going**

Why did I find the courage to ask her over for brunch? I have no fucking clue.

Liv has been getting excited with the idea of meeting Diane. At first I thought it was weird to introduce my girlfriend to my former girlfriends mom cause it's definitely not an ordinary thing to do. But now I'm quite confident that Diane will approve that my life is heading in the right direction. Ever since the funeral she's been trying to get me into the dating scene. She wanted to make sure that I didn't cut possible lovers out of my life just because I couldn't deal with the idea of 'someone else'. Diane really feels as if she's my second mom. She is everything my real mother isn't. She's always bright, chipper, enthusiastic and she lives off of brutal honesty. No bullshit, straight to the point and if you dare to lie she will point it out and roast you until you can't take it anymore. At that point there is nothing you can do but to spit it out. I can't be more appreciative of that characteristic.

I have been cleaning my apartment the last two days. I made sure to vacuum every corner, every edge and under and above every surface. Mopping has been my favourite activity seeing as this is the fifth time I'm going over the hardwood floor, scrubbing of every bit of dirt. 'Tegan and Sara' are accompanying me on my journey to clean-up my mess. They make it more bearable. My hands feel dry and the top layer of my skin is slowly coming off. I refuse to wear rubber gloves cause they always end up giving me some nasty rash so I have to deal with my cracked dehydrated skin. I'm going to need a ton of lotion later on. I made sure to wash all the cushions, drapes and blankets. Some are still hanging on the washing line, hoping to be dry as Diane arrives. I'm so busy obsessing over all the things that still have to get cleaned that I don't hear the front door open and close.

Suddenly I feel hands on my shoulder.

"What the..." I turn around and slap the hands off my shoulders. "Oh hey Liv, don't scare me like that, ever again." I point my finger at her, daring her to never try it again all the while smiling at her playful action.

"You should have seen your face." She grabs my head between her hands and gives me a peck on the lips. "How is the cleaning getting along?"

"Urgh, I think I'm gonna die of all these different smells. I thought organic products weren't supposed to give you a headache." I stop cleaning the floor and go to put the mop in the storage space, out of sight. "I'm almost finished though."

"Almost? This place looks like a shining palace, only the marble is missing. You really outdid yourself Piper."

"Thanks, I love your appreciation." I sink into the couch and put my feet up on the table.

"How long have you been up?" Liv goes to kitchen and puts the bag with our breakfast on the counter. Afterwards she opens the fridge and takes out an apple. I can hear the crunch of her bites.

"Since six. Couldn't sleep so I resumed to act out my cleaning obsession."

"Uhm babe, not to annoy you or anything but wasn't Diane coming at ten?" Liv walks back to the living room and stands in front of me. She's chewing on a big piece.

"Yeah, why are you asking?"

Liv starts to laugh and puts her hand in front of her full mouth. "Babe, it's almost half past nine and you are still in your pyjamas freaking out over every dust particle."

"What? Oh my god!" I jump of the couch. "I still have to set the table and… and clean the bathroom and I have to take a bloody shower cause I stink." The stress takes over my body.

"Piper relax, I will arrange the table. And the bathroom is fine. There is no need to clean it. You go and take a long shower. It's a shame that there is no time to give you a massage, you really need to relieve some stress."

"Thanks." I sprint to the bedroom and grab some clothes before I go into the bathroom and start to run the shower.

…

"Hey. You are home early?"

"Yeah, we were done for the day." I really wish that she would have been at work. Today was extremely stressful and the only thing I'm craving is crawling into bed and to sleep until the next morning. "You are also really early, I thought you had to work for at least another hour?"

"You shouldn't act so surprised, I told you yesterday that I had the afternoon off. I have already eaten but there are some leftovers in the fridge if you want." She continues to read her book.

"Thanks! You're the best." I walk towards the kitchen of our beach house.

Sam is one of the best roommates I've ever had. She never asks any questions about my job or my personal life and she's always happy and perky as long as the payment is due on time. I enjoy my stay in her house, being so close to the sea. The beach worked out to be surprisingly therapeutic, I've been able to take long walks and at night, my favourite thing to do is to skinny dip. I'm still a bit uncomfortable to show off my scarred body but swimming in the dark is something that I learned to boost my confidence.

"Hey Alex?" Sam yells from the living room.

"Yeah?" I yell back.

"I was wondering if you were interested to go to that beach party I've been talking about for days."

Oh god, I totally forgot about that. I can't say no seeing as she's been begging me day after day to join her. "Yeah sure, why not. When does it start?"

"Just before midnight so if you want to catch some sleep beforehand I'd say go for it. You have two hours."

"I think I'll do just that." I walk up to her, my hand holding a plate filled with rise and freshly caught fish. "This smells terrific."

"Thanks! You know, I was thinking that if you ever leave, I'm really going to miss my secretive roommate. I like you but you are kind of weird. You've lived with me for weeks and still I don't know anything about you other than your name and where you come from. Don't get me wrong I really enjoy your presence but at daytime you seem to disappear and you've never told me where you go. You are definitely one of the most private people I've ever met." Sam lets out a laugh as I continue to eat my meal.

It's not like I enjoy building a wall around me. It's just that I don't have another choice. I had to change my whole life, my whole existence. The only thing I desperately wanted to keep was my name. There was no fucking way that I was going to change it. I am still Alex, the only daughter of Diane Vause.

"I didn't mean it as it being a bad thing. It was just an observation." Sam quickly blurts out, scared that she might have hurt my feelings.

"Well, I like being a mysterious person. It keeps people interested in me." I give her a wink. My focus goes back to my plate as I shove the last pieces of fish into my mouth.

"I'm going to lay down and take a long nap. See you later." I put my plate in the sink.

Afterwards I walk straight to my room and close the door behind me. The faint sound of a radio can be heard, Sam must have turned it on as soon as I left the living room. My room isn't big or fancy but it's a major upgrade from the circumstances I've lived in for over a year. The space is filled with a double bed, a closet, a desk, a chair and a nightstand, all wooden furniture. The walls are green and there are some paintings of the sea up on the wall. My clothes are piled on top of the chair, waiting for me to find the time to fold them neatly. I walk up to my bed and jump so I fall with my stomach flat on top of my blanket. The fatigue takes over and I'm asleep in no time.

….

"Hey Diane, come in."

"Don't be shy kid, give this old lady a hug." Diane opens her arms widely.

I pull out of her arms and straighten my clothes. "So how are you?"

" Shush. Where is that girlfriend of yours? She's been enjoying herself too much with the task of hiding." Diane looks around. I point to the bathroom in the hall.

We make small talk until Liv comes out of the bathroom and walks straight to us. Liv stand next to me and gives Diane a hand. "Hey I'm Olivia. Nice to meet you."

"Well. What a fine lady do we have here. I'm Diane."

"I've heard some great things of you from Piper."

"Likewise, I've been told some pretty interesting stories of you." Liv nudges against my shoulder.

"All good ones I hope." They start to laugh in unison.

"I don't mean to be rude but I'm starving." My stomach growls and I can't wait till I can dive into the food that's covering the table. Let the feast begin.

….

"Alex, if we want to make it to the beginning of the party we have to leave right now!"

"I'm coming! One second!" I'm applying some make up that matches my light brown hair. To keep me unrecognisable I have to switch hair colours like I change my underwear. Every other week I switch between blonde, light brown, blue and red locks.

I take a last look in the mirror. Aside from the covered bruise on my cheek I look rather fancy. My tank top is white and accentuates my black bra underneath. The cleavage isn't too deep, there's still plenty covered to let the imagination of the ones ogling me run wild. My light blue jeans and slippers are the finishing touch of my girl next door look.

I step outside of the bedroom and accompany Sam on our walk on the beach towards the party. We arrive a bit late, there are already tons of people drinking, laughing and dancing dangerously close next to the campfire. Two men walk up to us.

"Hey Sam, you should introduce us to this smoking hot girl next to you." The two men who look like they are in there twenties point to me as they to talk to Sam.

"Sorry boys, she's only into women so I for a change might have a chance." Sam flirts and touches her bottom lip with her finger. She turns to look at me and we start to laugh.

"Come on Alex, let's leave these guys and let's go find us some alcohol." She drags me by the arm as we make our way over to the bar. She orders two beers and hands me one. I know that I shouldn't be drinking because if they call I will be screwed. Before I drink any beer I take out my phone and check if I have any missed calls. The screen displays no messages so I place the bottle against my lips and take a sip. It's been a long while since I've had a beer, I need to adjust to the taste. After a few sips I'm starting to enjoy the liquid and drink it down in one big swig.

"Whoa Alex, I didn't know you had such skill." Sam yells to me over the music. She takes my hand and I follow her in the direction of the camp fire.

The following hour is filled with chatter with unknown people, lots of drinking, weed and dirty dancing. I'm feeling myself getting tired so I leave the crowd and sit myself down next to the fire. I see the flames rising and falling, it's hypnotising. Sam ran into one of her old boyfriends and left the party some time ago. I picked up on her message to leave her alone at the beach house. I'm glad that no one seems to come up to me as I'm taking a moment to myself.

My thought are interrupted by the sound of my cell phone. There is no caller ID but I do recognise the number. I jump up to my feet and jog a few metres to get away from all the noise. I pick up the phone. "Hello?"

"I need you to come over. There are some packages that you have to drop off."

He is hard to understand, the line is cracking. "I'm sorry but I can't really hear you, bad service I guess." I put a finger in my other ear to close myself off from the surrounding noise.

"Quit fucking around bitch, get your ass over here. If you are not present in ten minutes I don't hold myself accountable for my actions." The line goes dead.

I put my cell phone back into my pocket and start to run into the village. I'm feeling extremely dizzy and I might throw up so I take a pause to take a deep breath before I resume the run.

….

"So where did you two meet?"

Liv and I look at each other, we are both encouraging the other to tell the story. She nods her head so I start to speak. "Well, one day she came into my bookshop and she was kind of an annoying customer." She slaps me on the arm as Diane chuckles. "She wanted to return a book cause she didn't enjoy it as much as she thought she would so I told her that we don't take back sold items but that she could trade it in."

"So then I told her that if she bought me a drink that I would forget about her being so rude to me as her customer." Liv jumps in.

"I was not rude. I was just simply stating the facts."

"You were rude babe." She chuckles as she keeps teasing.

We keep bickering the through the following conversation. Diane seems zoned out and I'm wondering what she's thinking as she sees us together. Is she thinking about Alex? How she could have been here with Alex and I instead of this girl that she just met?

"I'm going to leave you two alone, I promised my mom that I would take her to see my sister. Diane, it was a pleasure meeting you and I hope that we'll see each other again." Liv stands up and gives Diane a hug.

"I will walk you out."

We walk away from the table and come to a halt in front of the door. Liv puts on her coat and shoes. My hand is on the doorknob and once she's ready I open the door so she can step into the hall of the apartment building. "See you later ok."

"Have a good day Piper." She gives me a peck on the cheek and walks out.

….

I arrive at his hideout a few minutes late. I start to whistle and not long after there is a man standing beside me. He opens a door and leads me inside. The last time I was here things almost ended badly. I don't have time to think about my horrible experience cause in no time I'm standing in front of him.

"What do we have here. It's a shame that you're only into women. I really thought I could change your mind." He stands up from his chair and walks towards me. I look over my shoulder for help but the man who lead me inside has disappeared. He takes a halt in front of me and raises his hand. I'm ready to get slapped. To my surprise he just puts a strand of hair behind my ear. I know that he's trying to scare me. I've been put through so much that at this point it doesn't even matter anymore, I can take the punches and stabs. I know that I want to live and the thought that I'll be out of here in the near future holds me together.

"Don't be so scared Alex, I'm your friend, remember." He walks away and sits back into his seat. I still haven't moved an inch. "So I brought you here for your last task. It's a shame that you are insistent on leaving, I could really use you here. But as a good friend, I respect your wishes and I do want to honour the promise I made to you two years ago. There are some boxes in the back and I need you to take them to my contact. The address is already put in the GPS so you are good to go. I will see you in a bit."

Once the boxes are firmly put into the back of the car I start the engine. I know that I could use this vehicle to escape from all the misery, but I don't. I'm almost at the end of it all. I suffered all of this to get back, now is too late to think about an escape as I'm basically being released after this last task. It's fucked that I'm feeling grateful to be set free. They kidnapped me for fuck sake, they hurt me physically and emotionally. They used me. But the worst of it all, they lied to my mom, to Nicky and Piper. They dragged me into this shit and made me feel as if I was making all the choices. But I never really had one. I had to play by their rules if I wanted a fair chance to get out. I start to laugh 'Fair' what the fuck am I even thinking. None of it is fair.

I'm driving on auto pilot and am not paying attention to anything that's going on around me. I'm only focused on all the thoughts that are occupying my mind.

I'm almost there, I park the car in a nearby street and step outside. I'm in a deserted part of the village. There is no streetlight, only the dark is here to keep me company. I'm fairly close to shore, I can hear the sound of the crashing waves. A shiver runs through me as I realise that this moment will set me free. I find comfort in that thought and walk up to the place for the drop off.

I set the boxes onto the ground and before I can turn around I'm surrounded by three men, guns in their hands.

….

"So, what did you think of Liv." I'm looking down at my hands.

"Well, what do you want to hear?"

"The truth, preferably." I lift my chin up.

"You have good chemistry. She's a tad impulsive but she has a good kind of humour and she makes you smile. That's all you need." A big smile appears on her face.

"You think so?" I ask hesitantly.

"Why do you ask?"

"Liv told me that she loves me and I didn't say it back." I take a sip of my orange juice to wash away the bitter taste that appeared after those words left my mouth. I'm ashamed to admit my doubt. "It's just that… With Alex it just…It felt so different."

"Dear, what you had with Alex is something that should be cherished. It's something you may never experience again but if you love this girl then that should be enough. We all know that the love of your life is a once in a lifetime experience. Most soul mates, if you want to call it that, don't make it through and end up with another person that's more compatible. Piper, love can be different but the meaning stays the same. So, if you love her, don't hesitate and go for it. I think she's wonderful and that you're great together."

"Thanks, that means a lot to me." My heart flutters.

Diane turns around and points at the wall. "I see that you removed the picture."

It's an observation. Not a question. Not a judgement.

"It was time. I do carry a copy inside of my wallet because, you know….sometimes… it still hurts."

"I know."

….

"Please stop!" I yell at the top of my lungs as they keep hitting my stomach with a metal pipe. Bile is rising in my throat, it tastes of a mix of beer and blood. Flashes of my life appear in front of me as I try to resist the hurt that's being brought onto me. I try to free my hands of the cuffs. Nothing is working, the men keep on laughing as they repeatedly hit me.

"You fucking bitch! Where is it?" One of the man hisses through his teeth.

I don't know what to do. I have no fucking idea what he's talking about. I don't even know the content of the boxes I just dropped off. My silence is being read as a plea of guilt so once more the metal pipe is being raised and I'm being hit. I cry out in pain and in seconds my mind is thinking of my mom. I try to picture her face as the men keep screaming and in addition kicking my legs to hurt me even more.

"This will be the end of you, you fucking piece of…." The man is raising the pipe once more but as he talks to me he gets interrupted by another voice.

"Hey fuckhead, here is your missing stuff."

'Fucking hell' I think to myself as I try to recover. My head is leaning on the concrete floor after they removed the cuffs. I'm trying to control my thoughts as I breath through the pain that is piercing through my stomach. 'Come on Alex, you're almost there'. That should be enough to keep me going.

 **Alex is doing her utter best by following the orders that are given to her but she is fighting back.**

 **I hope that the timing through this chapter makes sense, since Alex is at the other end of the world it's night and at Piper's end it's daytime. If this wasn't clear then I want to apologise.**

 **I want to thank the ones that reviewed the last chapter. I know that there are some concerns about the endgame but just know that I'm as much of a Vauseman fan as you are. That being said, have a nice week and I hope that 2019 will be a great year for all of you. Cheers!**


	10. The end of the tunnel

**Chapter 10: The end of the tunnel**

Beeping sound.

White light.

Needles.

Veins.

Pain.

Is this what death is like? Have I reached the end of the tunnel?

"Miss Vause can you hear me?"

Am I going crazy? I really don't know anything anymore. If there is a god I should have met him or her by now, right?

"Mam' can you hear me?"

Mom, is that you? Can you hear me? I try to form the words that are laying on the tip of my tongue. Nothing comes out. My muscles are soar, I can't move. Everything hurts.

"Alex?"

For a second there is a hand on my cheek. It's a faint feeling. I'm being slapped. It doesn't hurt though. Maybe someone is trying to wake me up. I want to respond but I can't. I let myself drift back into the darkness, the warm familiar feeling of nothing.

It seems to have taken forever, but when I'm ready, I open my eyes. Slowly. Carefully. The sound of people passing by fills my ears. The smell of iron hangs in the air. The muscles in my neck come to life and I try to move my head. But, it doesn't work. I still can't move an inch. My body is stiff.

The sight is blurry, the tears and my bad vision make it impossible to decipher where I am. I move my hand and feel around. The needle in my hand stings. I'm scared.

"Welcome back miss Vause." The friendly male voice sounds unfamiliar. "You scared us. We weren't sure if you would wake up. You're in the general hospital of Kep. I advise you to lay still. Your stomach is completely bruised. We intubated you to be sure that you're able to breath. I think it's best if you try to go back to sleep. You need the rest."

…..

I have endured a full week of pushing buttons for morphine, swallowing pills and endless sessions with my kinesiologist. Tomorrow they will let me go, finally. I haven't had any major complications. My stomach is healing rapidly, above everyone's expectations. I can't wait to get out of here. The nurses aren't bad looking but I keep focusing on my delayed plans to return back to the States. I'm not even sure if I'm still allowed to leave.

No one has come to visit. In a normal situation my hospital room would be full of cards and gifts from family, friends and acquaintances. But here, right now, only the white walls stare back at me. The room is not holding one homey feeling. It's all cold and blank. And it stinks of disinfectant, nothing like my rose odour. But why am I even thinking of all of this, nothing is normal, nothing has been for the past 736 days.

I don't remember much from the violence I've suffered. I remember being hit with a metal object. There is also a recollection of a male voice ordering my attackers to back off. I have an idea of whom that was, but I'm not completely sure.

I have been drifting off again cause suddenly I hear a knock on the door.

"Come in."

It takes a few seconds before the door opens. A man appears.

"Glad to see you're still alive."

"I don't feel like thanking you." I shift my position to sit upright in the bed.

"You should." He steps into the room and goes to sit in the chair by the window. "I saved your life Alex."

"Well, you put me in danger in the first place. That's not something I want to be grateful for." A smirk escapes.

"Once a bitch always a bitch I guess."

"Fuck you Yasar. Fuck you."

"No thanks." He uncovers a folder from his jacket. "Anyway, I didn't come here to bicker or to get emotional like I know you lesbians do. In fact, I have some great news. I didn't think that you had it in you but congrats, you are officially free. You served us right, held your part of the bargain. So, since we are no bad guys, we keep our promise. This folder contains your passport, a plane ticket and some cash. You're as free as a bird." He lays the folder on the table in front of him and lays his hand on top of it.

I don't know what to say. All this time I have been living up to this moment and now it's finally here. I can fucking leave. I can go back to my old life and the people I care deeply about. Mom. Nicky. Piper…Pipes, my heart skips a beat.

"You don't have to worry about you're status of being dead, that's already been taken care of. You see Vause, we always wanted the best for you. Don't ever doubt that for a second. Don't you have anything to say?"

"Like what?" For old time's sake, my attitude wins again.

"Don't think that you're such a smart lady. I believe a thank you would be in order."

"Thank you." I push out through my gritted teeth.

"I wish you all the best. Oh, before I forget. I saw your girlfriend the other day." He stands upright and puts his hands on the end of my bed. Leaning on the surface.

"What do you mean?" My nerves are taking over.

"My advice, don't get your hopes up." He starts laughing and walks towards the door.

"What the FUCK do you mean?!" I throw my hands in the air and let them fall. I'm throwing a tantrum.

He stops and turns around. He is laughing in my face. "Let's just say that her love for you wasn't big enough." He thinks for a second before he spits out "She's in a new lesbian relationship. Enjoy the ride Vause."

With that he leaves the room and I feel like I'm going to throw up.

…..

The hotel room is an upgrade that I welcomed willingly. I booked one right in front of the airport so I don't have to worry about city traffic. My flight leaves tomorrow afternoon. I can't wait till I'm out of here. Meeting Yasar this morning nearly knocked me of my feet but I have made the decision that I'm going to pretend like I didn't hear what he said. He has fucked me over a dozen times, I no longer believe any word that leaves his mouth. He always talks big but I've never seen anything come to action.

All the times that I fantasized about returning home I acknowledged the possibility of Piper being in a new relationship. I know that it is a realistic scenario and honestly, I can't blame her. I was the one to leave, I was the one to break her heart and to break her promise. If it weren't for my mom living in New York I think I would move to a different city. I would leave Piper and Nicky alone, they have been through enough. It's not fair for me to turn their world upside down for the second time. But, the reality is that I don't have a choice. I want my mom back and that means that I have to face my best friend and the woman I'm still in love with. I'm going to have to tell them that I'm not dead.

I have no idea how I should tackle my homecoming. Should I just ring the doorbell and let them run straight into my arms? Or should I call first? Is it appropriate to send a letter, explaining what happened?

And how the fuck are they going to react? Will they be angry? Relieved? Sad? Should I leave them in the dark of what happened to me? Would that be a solution? Do they need to hear about the hurt that has been brought onto me? Fuck, I think I'm going nuts. I need answers. I think mom will be happy to see me. Off course she'll be shocked and maybe she'll faint but I'm pretty sure that she'll be glad to see me.

I hope that Nicky's reaction will be like my mom's. She'll probably slap me in the face to check if I'm real but afterwards I can see us sitting on a couch, drinking a beer.

Piper's reaction? That's a whole other story. I'm so scared that I ban that discussion out of my head. There is no way that I can predict how she will act.

It's time to try and relax. I need a drink.

…..

"Another margarita please." It's the third one that I order. Since I'm free, I'm going to enjoy the fact that I can drink as much as I like when I like.

The bar is on the main floor of the hotel. The light is dim and overshadows the place with a yellow cloud. Smoke hangs in the air, people are lighting cigars and cigarettes. There are mostly men sitting around in booths. Some of them are playing darts or are losing themselves in a game of poker. I could join them and kick their asses, easily. But I'm not sure if I'm still as good with conversations and reading body language as I used to be. It's been a while since I used those skills to engage in some legal activities so I decide to stay where I'm, sitting at the bar. I lift my refilled glass and sip. It tastes of Pipes. Memories of our initial meeting are coming up, I will never forget the conversation that lead to us falling in love. But right now I can't take it so once again I lift the glass and toss it back.

"Can I have a beer please, and a shot."

The bartender hands me one of his finest beers and before he gets the chance to set the shot down I take it out of his hands and gulp it down. Soon, the beer follows.

"Rough night?" The man next to me decides to pick up a conversation.

"Yeah, you could say that."

"Where are you from?"

"United States." I take another sip.

"Going back there tomorrow?" His French accent surfaces.

"For a stranger you ask an awful lot of questions." I turn my head and look at him. "Let's say that if I were to return tomorrow is then all your curiosity off the table?"

He ignores my comment and goes on. "I'm going back to Paris in the morning. I've been quite lonely this past two weeks, I was here on a business trip. You?"

"Well, you're still the lucky one, I was here for two years." The beer bottle is getting more empty.

"Whoa, why were you here?"

"To pay off a depth." I sigh and place my empty bottle in front of me. I sign to the bartender to get a refill for me and my new friend. He comes back and hands us two beers.

"Thanks. Oh uhm, what's your name?"

"Alex."

"Well, nice to meet you Alex, I'm Thomas." We shake hands and go back to drinking our beers.

"You were saying?"

"Huh?"

"You were telling me your story."

A laugh escapes. "I guess I was. So, as I said, I was here to pay off a depth that wasn't even mine. A friend fucked me over and I was dragged to this part of the world to take care of his shit. Don't hope for any details cause you're not gonna get any."

He nods his head in response but he doesn't interrupt.

"Anyway, I did an awful thing. I left behind my mom and best friend. They think I'm dead you know, they don't know that I'm still alive and breathing. But still of all the fucked up things I've done the worst I haven't uncovered yet." I sigh and take another sip to sooth the pain. "I betrayed the woman that I loved. Well, actually, the woman I love. Cause I still do love her so fucking much that it hurts. So you know…" I lift the sleeve of my shirt and let him take a look at the faint tattoo. The flames are nearly gone but the letters can still be read. "… love is pain."

"Well fuck. And here I thought that my life was messy. Shit, Alex. I don't know what to say." He lifts his hand. "Want another drink?"

We continue to drink deep into the night. At some point I decide that it's a good idea to go to my room to sleep. I want to be presentable when I enter the plane tomorrow.

…..

I wake up after a few hours. It's still early so I decide to stay in bed. My phone is on the nightstand. I reach out and grab it. I roll onto my back and go through my contacts. I pass three important names and decide to click on 'Mom'. Suddenly a rush of nervousness runs through my body. Should I gather all my strength to push the call button?

Several minutes pass as I stare at the bright screen. Deciding whether or not to call her. I really don't know what to do so I sigh and throw the phone somewhere on the bed. I lay my hand on my forehead and rub the skin to relieve me of some of the tension.

It's time for me to stand up. I put on my clothes from yesterday that smell of smoke and alcohol. I take the elevator and go down into the cafeteria to eat breakfast. The breakfast buffet holds plenty of options to choose from. I decide to stick with the regular and take a few slices of bread, some cheese, a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I'm still kind of drunk so hopefully the caffeine will kick in soon.

"Good morning Alex."

I turn around and see Thomas. "Hey Thomas. That's a surprise, I wasn't expecting to see you around. I thought you said that your flight was leaving in the morning."

He sits down in front of me with a filled plate. "That was the plan but I got a call that they need me to stay for an extra few days. It sucks but that's how life is, I guess you have lots of experience considering that topic."

"You could say that."

"I will leave as soon as I have finished my cup of coffee. You? When is your flight?"

"In a few hours."

"Are you nervous?"

"I've never been this scared in my life."

"Let me tell you, I think that your girl will be thrilled to see you again. I mean, who wouldn't be when the love of their life is back among the living."

"I hope you are right."

"And you know, if your fear is true and she is in a relationship with someone you should do everything in your power to win her back. I don't really know you but I do know enough to know that no one can fuck with you." He takes a look at his watch. "Shit, I have to go. It's been a pleasure meeting you Alex. If you ever want to visit Paris, give me a call and we can meet up." He hands me his business card and waves me goodbye as he leaves the cafeteria.

I finish my breakfast and go back to my room to get ready. Once I'm inside I walk towards the bathroom and take a long, hot needed shower. I walk back into the room and search for a bag I picked up after being released from the hospital. I bought some black hair dye and new glasses. It takes me an hour to work myself through the procedure but once I'm done I can't do anything but smile at the reflection in the mirror. Alex Vause is officially back. My glasses are proudly standing on top of my nose. My hair is longer thanks to the help of some overpriced extensions and my coloured lenses are removed, my eyes are as green as they ever were. I'm ready to take on the world.

 **Next stop will hopefully be the moment everyone is waiting for.**

 **I'm currently having exams so I'm not sure when I will be able to upload. Chapter 11 will be posted this weekend so you can already look forward to that.**

 **As always, I hope that you enjoyed this chapter and I will see you next time.**


	11. Welcome home

**Chapter 11: Welcome home**

JFK, my love, I never thought I'd be so relieved to see you.

People are pushing past me to get to their destination. They are running, hands full of bags, opening one arm to envelop themselves into the arms of their loved ones. They are smiling, laughing and crying. I'm surrounded by excitement.

I picked up my single bag at the baggage claim and am now standing in the welcome hall. My irrational thoughts hoped that somehow there would be someone waiting for me, to welcome me. 'Welcome back Alex!' they would be saying. But that's just a foolish thought. My rational mind takes over and I know that this won't be happening. No one expects me to be back, no one is waiting for me cause I'm supposed to be dead. But as you can see, life can be surreal at times cause here I am, alive and well, breathing, walking, smiling.

As happy as I am there is a lot of uncertainty that hangs in the air. I've had a lot of time to reflect back on the hurt I must have caused them so I'm not sure if they will be pleased to see me. Has it been a good idea to come back? Will they hate me? Are they going to be mad? Are they still alive?

It's going to be one hell of a shock for them. It's all so fucking unexpected. I know it's going to be an emotional ride but I can't be anything but proud of myself. I never thought that I was going to get back from all of this. Everything that happened, everything that went wrong, all the scars, the hurt, the sadness, is it going to be replaced with better feelings?

I already figured out how I'm going to tackle this homecoming. The first person I'm going to inform of my return is my mom. She should be the first to know. She deserves so much.

I walk outside of the massive building that is the airport and lift my hand to catch a cab. My smile is getting incredibly big as I see a yellow vehicle approaching me. I must look like a weirdo cause who in their right mind would be so overly happy to be back in this monstrosity of a city?

The cab takes a halt in front of me.

"Hey, can you take me to this address?" I hand the driver a piece of paper. I did my best to use my legible handwriting as I scribbled down my mother's whereabouts.

"Off course, jump right in."

I throw my bag into the back of the car and step inside. The radio is playing and I'm surrounded by all these familiar feelings as I'm watching outside. It's almost dinner time, the sky is dark and the lights illuminate New York. It really looks like nothing changed at all.

"Have you had a good trip?"

I'm doing my best not to laugh. Trip? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm sure it's not appropriate to tell him that I was kidnapped so I tell him the next best thing there is to say. "Yeah, kinda."

"Cool. Where did you go?"

"Paris." I blurt out.

"Ah, the city of love. Your boyfriend living there?"

I'm starting to laugh aloud. This is ridiculous. "Something like that."

"Have you seen the Eiffel tower? I've heard that it's pretty big."

My laughter increases. Who is this guy? "Yeah, it's fucking huge."

"You are lucky, I hope that one day I will be able to visit. Have you been to the Louvre?"

Yes. I've been there, but that was ages ago. Back then I was accompanied by a certain blonde with whom I shared some pretty interesting conversations. "No, I haven't been there, I was too busy."

"Busy with your boyfriend?"

"Are you trying to hit on me?"

"I don't think my wife would be happy to hear that." He chuckles as he looks at me through the rear view mirror.

"Well, I'm sure I'd be happy to meet her. But to be clear, you and I, never gonna happen." I find myself smiling again. It's nice to engage in a normal conversation without having to count my words.

"Oh…I get it, you're gay?"

"As gay as I can be."

"Well, you certainly don't look like these butch types. You are hot!" He chuckles. " But don't tell my wife."

I let out a laugh. "Don't be embarrassed, I've been told." I give him a wink.

"I didn't catch your name."

" Alex."

"Well Alex, seeing as we are almost there, it's been a pleasure meeting you. Welcome home."

We round the corner of my mom's street and soon the car slows down. I'm starting to get nervous as I hand him the money and step outside. "Thanks for the ride!" I wave him goodbye.

….

Home.

The house that looks back at me looks just the same as I left it the last time I was here. Nothing significant changed. I try to look inside as I keep standing on the pavement. There are lights on and I can make out a few shadows. There must be multiple people inside. I'm terrified to walk up to the door and knock. Maybe Nicky will be here, or worse, Piper could be here. I don't know what I would do if either of them show up. Seeing as I'm already scared to death to see my mom, I can't imagine how I will behave if I have to see my best friend or lover.

I really have no idea of how she's going to react. I had been hoping to catch her alone, not in the presence of other people. Should I wait until she's on her own? No, fuck it, I'm doing this. My decision is made so I lift up my feet. They feel extremely heavy as I start to move across the freshly cut lawn. My arms are carrying my bag and it seems as if I can pass out any second now. I'm feeling really small. My heart is jumping out of my chest as I take the last steps until I'm standing right in front of the door. I prepare myself for what's to come the second after I knock. I'm worn out and I probably smell bad. I must look really horrible. But this can't wait. I'm about to change my mom's life. I'm going to reunite with the people I love.

My fist collides with the door. *knock – knock – knock*

I'm fidgeting my hands and am sweating profusely. I don't know which posture to give myself. I thought I was ready to do this. How do people do this kind of thing? I should have taken the time to search for some kind of self-help book on 'How to tell the people you love that you've risen".

A shadow appears.

I can still run away. As far as I can. Maybe I should turn around and leave. Pretending like I never returned. But it's too late. A hand appears on the handle and the door cracks open, slowly. I can make out a vague figure as the door slides completely open.

A man. Did my mom move out? Was it too hard for her to live in a house that I bought? Is she dead?

"Hi, can I help you?" The man says. He isn't as tall as me so I have to tilt my head to look down. I watch him up and down. He is handsome, he has black short hair, blue eyes and a tattoo on his neck. He is wearing some comfy clothes, a black sweater and some dark blue jeans. He seems like the type that could charm every woman that he crosses.

"Yes, uhm, I thought that Diane Vause lived here but I must have been wrong."

"She does in fact live here, she's in the kitchen. May I ask who you are?" His voice is friendly as he asks me the dreaded question.

"I'm Alex." I'm starting to feel a bit uncomfortable.

"Alex?" He looks genuinely confused. It takes him a moment before he continues to talk. "Alex as in Diane's daughter?"

"Spot on." It's all I can get out.

"But… you are dead?"

"Apparently I'm not." I say sarcastically as I wave my hands in the air. My nerves are becoming too much. I want to run so badly.

"Does she know?" He lowers his voice as he keeps looking at me. He seems to be taken this information in quiet well.

"No." I clear my voice. "She hasn't seen me in two years."

"Robert is everything ok back there?" It's my mom's voice coming from the kitchen. I can hear her shuffling around as footsteps are nearing.

"Diane!" He calls out. "I think you should come. There is someone here for you."

I can see tears building in his eyes as I'm starting to wonder if this man is my mom's boyfriend. It's heart-warming to see that he is moved by my sudden appearance. My mom's voice resonates in my ear once again. "I'm busy, the chicken needs to be taken out of the oven."

Roberts turns to me. "I will go and take over. Come in Alex. I'm glad to see you although I don't know you personally. I've heard great things of you." Robert turns on his heels and makes his way over to the kitchen. I can hear them talking. "Robert, who the hell did you let in?" I have to hold my tears as I'm hearing her voice for the third time. The voices disappear and in two seconds she rounds the corner. She looks older. Her face is in total shock. She is trying to process what's happening as she stares at me. The world seems to stop spinning as we take the time to look into each other's all too familiar orbits.

I want nothing more than to run towards her and hug her tight. I've been craving her warming touch. I decide to take the first step. To shake her out of her trance. "Mom" I whisper.

At first she doesn't say a word. She is examining my appearance. Trying to decide if she is out of her mind for seeing her dead daughter in front of her. "Alex." She gets out. It's so quiet that I question the fact that she even said anything.

Suddenly she starts screaming. "Robert!" She takes a deep breath. Robert sprints from the kitchen wearing gloves, supposedly to get the hot plate out of the oven. He stands behind her and puts his hands on her shoulders. His comforting touch makes my eyes water. "Tell me I'm not dreaming."

I don't want Robert to answer so I quickly respond. "Mom, it's really me."

That's all she needs as she runs up to me and gives me a hug. It's so tight that I instantly drop my bag and envelop her into my arms. We sunk down onto the floor, holding each other. She starts to cry and soon I follow her lead.

It seems to be going on for hours. All the emotions are leaving her body. "I'm here mom. It's me." I try to comfort her as best as I can. I'm trying to pick up the broken pieces that I left behind. "It's ok."

….

"I can't believe you are here."

After our long affectionate reunion mom insisted on me to stay at her house. The food is long forgotten as the three of us sit at the dining table in the kitchen, unused plates and utensils placed in front of us. I'm prepared for the answers she will be demanding, understandably.

"I already knew that you could be a piece of ass but this trick you played here, this is beyond anything I could ever come up with." She's still a little shocked as she keeps her gaze focused on me. Robert stands up to fill our glasses at the tap, this seems to be the best thing for him to do to keep himself busy while mom is trying to wrap her head around this fucked up situation.

"So tell me Alex, what the hell happened? We held a funeral for fucks sake."

There is a hint of anger in her voice. I take her hand, I know she has every right to hate me but instead of trying to argue I choose to comfort her. Robert puts his hand on the back of her neck, he seems to be sensing the switch in her mood. "I don't know where to start." I'm feeling defeated.

"Alex, I really need you to tell me. How do you expect me to process all of this if you don't let me in in the first place." Her voice is persistent, trying to convince me.

"I can't, not now anyway." I look down at my hands.

"For the love of god Alex. You know this is how we resolve our problems. When you were a kid we always used to talk it out. So please Al, tell me, anything. I respect the fact that you need time but please try to understand. I buried you, I had to be there for everyone and at the same time I had to keep myself together. I had to watch how Nicky destroyed herself and how Piper pretended time and time again that she was 'fine'."

I feel my own anger rising. Maybe they all should have taken a moment to think about me. I know that I can't blame them for feeling how they did but shit, I was kidnapped. Not them. "Well maybe you should have put all that effort into finding me." I snap. I know this isn't fair, especially towards my mom. It's my fault they held that funeral. I know she probably moved heaven and earth in order to find me. But I'm not able to contain myself. I'm so fucking angry. I'm seriously doubting if it was a good thing to return in the first place…

"Don't you dare to say that to me! We looked for you all over for a year and then they told us that you were dead."

"I'm sad that my death was such an inconvenience for all of you but have you ever taken the time to think that maybe the most hurt was brought onto me?!" I slam my fist into the wooden surface.

Mom averts her eyes. She keeps quiet.

"I'm sorry." My voice is gentle. "That was anything but fair. I'm sorry, mom, I can't do this right now." The tears are threating to spill. She stands up and sits herself down on her ankles next to my chair. She takes my hands and as I look into her eyes the dam breaks. She stands up and takes me into her arms as I cry once again.

"Alex it's ok. Let it out dear. We can do this, we will do this together. We all love you and we support you. We have no idea what happened but when you are ready you can tell us. Nicky and Piper will wait, they will wait for you until you are ready." She's rubbing circles on my back.

"So ladies, I don't want to interrupt this moment but I'm actually starving, you all up to eat something?" Robert smiles at me and I nod my head. He stands up and fills all off our plates. I'm glad that he's breaking the tension.

The moment he hands me a plate I dive into the food. After a bite chicken I moan. "This is so fucking good." I let out, my mouth full of delicious food.

"Alex, manners." My mom winks at me. "So, since you are here I think it's time that I introduce you to Robert. We have been in a relationship for almost a year now."

"That's great mom, I can't be anything but happy to see that you finally found someone who can keep up with your moods." Robert and I start to laugh simultaneously.

Mom throws her napkin in my direction. "Oh shut up you!" before she joins us and bursts out in hysterical laughter. I've never seen her this happy.

…..

It takes me awhile before I recognise where I am. The guest room looks unfamiliar. I try to go back to sleep but after I take a deep breath the faint smell of coffee and eggs fills my nostrils and I decide to stand up. I walk to the stairs and open my mouth "Mom!" I yell to downstairs. "Mom!"

"Good morning Alex, is everything alright?" She looks back at me from the bottom of the stairs. "Jesus, you look awful." She chuckles at my appearance.

"Thanks, just what I needed. But hey, can you give me a towel so I can take a shower and make myself presentable?"

"Of course kid, I'll grab them, you go and jump in the shower I'll bring it up."

….

I just finished breakfast. Mom and I are sitting on the couch in the living room. The TV is on, we are watching a series which name I keep forgetting, but it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is me sitting next to her, reminiscing moments of me as a teenager. I can't help but wonder why I deserved such an accepting parent.

" _Alex come here."_

 _I stroll out of my bedroom and walk towards the kitchen. This scenario has been played before. She'll probably ask what's on my mind and I try to talk myself out of the conversation. She always does this after I come home from school and lock myself up in my room._

" _What's up." I answer annoyingly._

" _What's the matter with you. I got another call from the principal telling me that you skipped class, once again. I don't care if you skip for a good reason, so please, enlighten me." She keeps cutting the vegetables._

 _She's backing me into a corner here. "Nothing is wrong, Nicky and I just had a fight. That's all."_

" _Bullshit Alex, just tell me what's wrong. I have to leave for work in ten minutes so please just cut the crap kid."_

 _Fuck it. Here it goes. "I was out on a date..."_

 _Mom smirks and looks me straight in the eye. "Cool, what's her name?"_

" _Riley." I spill out. "Wait what, 'her' ?"_

 _She starts to laugh as I'm standing there in utter shock. "Oh please, don't act so surprised, as if I didn't know you have a thing for girls. You've been hiding those bikini magazines under your bed since you were twelve. Just know that I will love you no matter what."_

" _Thanks mom." I give her a big smile._

" _You know what, let's celebrate this revelation. Come and join me at the diner. I'll buy you a burger." She stuffs the freshly cut greens into a bowl and puts them in the fridge._

She keeps watching the show and every now and then I steal a glance. She looks extremely happy. I can't imagine how weird this situation must be for her. She never thought she'd see me again, that she could watch TV with me. Only my grave was there to comfort her. I wonder if she ever visited.

When the show is over she shuts the screen off and turns to me.

"Alex, I know that I promised I would give you all the time you need but there are some questions I need to ask." She look at me with her pleading eyes. "And I really need you to answer."

I give her nod. Understanding her need.

"Did you leave willingly."

"Mom." I whine, I really don't want to say anything, knowing the answer will hurt her.

"Please, Alex….. I really need to know."

"No."

" No what?"

"I can't believe you're even asking this. You are making it seem as if I wanted to go." I run my hand through my hair.

"I don't know what to think kid. You left. And after two years you are back, knocking on my door. What do you expect me to think."

"I didn't leave."

"Then what?"

She is clearly starting to lose her patience and I'm in no mood to start arguing over this. Again.

"I…."

"You what? Just say it Alex."

"I was kidnapped." There. That's it.

She gasps and puts her hand in front of her mouth. This is exactly the kind of reaction I was hoping to avoid. "Does Piper know?"

"Know what?" I answer rather harsh. I want her to stop. I knew these questions were coming but I didn't expect to be asked so soon.

"Does she know you were kidnapped?"

I take a moment to think before I answer. "She doesn't even know I'm back."

"Does Nicky know?"

"No."

"Do you want them to know?"

"I don't know mom. I don't even know what to say. I was forced to leave and now I'm sitting here on your couch not knowing what to do so please, just leave me be."

"Fuck no. I want to know what's going through that head of yours."

BANG!

We are both startled.

"Yo Diane, are you home?" Nicky's voice resonates through the house. She must have entered through the back door.

"Shit!" I mutter. "Mom, I can't."

"I'm not going to pretend that you're not here. I've done that for far too long!" She squeezes my hands and stands up to walk off to the kitchen. "Hey Nicky! Thanks for bringing this."

….

I can hear them talking for several minutes and hear every damn word. Motherfucker, she called Nicky to go get clothes from Piper's apartment. She is literally forcing me to push myself back into their lives.

"Nicky let me pour you a drink. I'll join you in the living room."

"Thanks. Is Robert here?"

Before I have the time to take a run for it I see Nicky in the hallway. She stops dead in her tracks. My heart is thumping and before I can move I hear her raspy voice.

"Holy shit!"

 **So there it is. You and I were both waiting for Alex to return home. We all know that Diane isn't someone to back off from difficult situations so I hope that you understand her way of pushing Alex forward. She doesn't want her to stay curled up on her couch. They slowly have to rediscover how to act around one another.**

 **I want to thank you all for your kind reviews! It means a lot to me that you are all enjoying this story. I'm putting my heart and soul into trying to get Alex and Piper back together but it's going to take a lot.**

 **I hope that you'll have a nice week! I will do my best to upload next weekend but I can't promise anything, my exams are trying to kill me.**


	12. Still the best

**Chapter 12: Still the best**

"Diane, since when do you have a statue of Vause in your living room?"

My mom joined Nichols in the hallway. Nicky hasn't said a word to me after she spoke her famous cursing words: 'Holy shit'. Right now she's only speaking directly to the older Vause. I expected her to be more surprised or to be uncomfortable with my sudden appearance, instead she keeps her hands firmly tucked into her pockets and has this weird look on her face. It's the kind of face you make when you're about to sneeze. Mom's head is visible from over Nicky's shoulder, I don't know what she's waiting for but she seems to be watching this scene unfold.

"Seriously, what is she doing here? Have you been visiting a ghost hunter, I told you it was a bad idea you see, now her spirit is haunting us. I should call these dudes that can turn this into a paranormal documentary."

Nicky rambles on and on and on. Occasionally a hoarse laugh escapes from the back of her throat. She's amusing us with several theories about resurrections, gravestones, fortune tellers and magicians. Her low raspy voice makes it hard for me to focus on her topic of choice, it's so good to see her again.

"I thought Piper went overboard with that picture on the wall but you really broke the record, what is she made of? Clay? Metal? Cement?"

"Nicky, you can stop now." Mom speaks calmly, a hint of amusement in her voice. She passes her and walks in my direction.

I'm still sitting down on the couch, my cheeks hurt from smiling. Nicky's ramble has stopped but she keeps staring at me with this strange expression. Mom pulls me up on my feet, gesturing me to greet my best friend. Every step I take forwards Nicky takes backwards, we keep repeating this dance until her back is against the wall.

"Maybe it's about time to say hi." I lift my glasses and give her my signature smile.

"Holy shit, she even speaks."

Now it's my turn to make a weird face.

"I should get myself an Alex-bot."

Nicky isn't done playing this dangerous game of denial. "No need, you can call me any time." I trace the zipper of her jacket with my fingers. Sliding up and down, teasing her endlessly. "If you behave I might give you my private number."

"I thought we already established the fact that we're forever in the friend zone."

I take a step back and turn around to look at my mom. She's holding her hand over her mouth, trying to withhold herself from bursting out into a fit of laughter. When I look back at Nicky there is a single tear rolling down her cheek. She pushes herself rapidly off the wall and wraps her arms around my body.

"It's really you?" She whispers as best as she can with her usually loud voice.

Her breath quickens and I'm sure I can hear her holding back a sob. Now it's my turn to run circles over someone's back. My head is laying on her shoulder and my back is bent, it's not my preferred position to be standing in but I can sense her need of comfort. "You better prepare yourself cause I am never leaving again and I really need you with me to get drunk or to pick up random girls from bars."

Nicky loosens her hold on me and steps in Diane's direction.

"This is real right? I'm not dreaming or anything? Cause I was pretty sure that I buried my best pal and now she's standing here in the flesh. Don't get me wrong, I've never been this happy but I'm just not in the mood to wake up any second now to discover that this was all fake."

"Wow Nichols, when did you have time to breathe through that long-drawn-out sentence." I walk back up to them.

We are all exhausted and slump onto the couch.

"Man, Vause, you have no idea…" Nicky starts.

"You don't have to say anything, I get it."

"You are back." She's tearing up again and I'm not sure if she's asking me a question or if she's simply stating a fact.

"Yes."

"Don't you dare to leave or I'll make sure you die this time." She chuckles.

Her statement takes me aback. In any other circumstance it would be funny as hell but right now, it rips my heart out. My mood shifts and I try to keep my hands busy. I shuffle around, trying out a better position on the couch. I'm uncomfortable as fuck cause her words feel like a slap in the face. It reminds me of the reason of our forced separation. I know the conversation that will follow will be similar to the one I was having with mom earlier. Nicky will have the same questions, demanding the same answers. I know it's not fair of me to be secretive about my disappearance but I made myself one promise when it all happened. When I was lying on that concrete floor, hands tied, blindfolded, I promised myself that when I got out the first person I was going to give an explanation is the one that's holding my heart. With my heart she holds the ability to either crush me or to let me fall in love all over again. So, it's all in her hands.

Maybe after all this time it's not fair of me to give her that responsibility but once I promise myself something I have to honour it. Yesterday, on the plane, I tried to convince myself that she is going to take me back, that she's going to love me even more. But now, I'm not so confident anymore cause I realise that Yasar's words may be true. Maybe she fell in love with someone else. Where would that leave me? Her ex-lover? Ex-girlfriend? Fuck no, that's not why I returned.

I listen in on the conversation that Nicky and Diane are having. Nicky must have said something funny cause they are both trying to catch their breath.

"Nicky, that's so inappropriate."

"I know right."

It's nice to see them like this. It reminds me of my youth. Nicky used to come over every Friday, we would go to mom's diner to eat, drink and distract her with jokes. Many jokes.

"So Diane, I heard from Piper that you visited her. She sounded happy, said you had a good time."

Mom looks at me from the corner of her eye. "Yeah, we uh… had a great time." She gives Nicky her warm smile but it doesn't reach her eyes. She's trying to warn her and I can't help but notice a gut feeling, I guess my doubt is off the table now. I should pick up on this conversation.

"How was she really doing mom?" I'm not necessarily trying to provoke her but I need to know the source of the tension that filled the room.

She's contemplating her answer. "Well, she's doing good. She looked really content, like she dropped a weight of her shoulders."

Once again Nicky and mom look at one another and I pick up a sense. It's clear that whatever this is isn't something they are willing to spill by themselves. They need a certain push. I take it as my responsibility to deliver just that. "You can say her name you know."

"What do you mean?" Nicky looks me dead in the eye. For a second I would swear that I saw a glint of fear in her eyes.

"Alex?" She tries again.

"What are you all afraid off?" My voice is lower than usual. I'm unaware that I start to rub the tattoo on my left arm.

"Dear, what are you trying to say?" Mom jumps in.

"Was Piper alone? When you visited I mean."

They both keep silent and it gives me all the information I need.

"I know she's with someone. So…who is she?" I try to sound friendly but it comes out the wrong way. I sound sad, almost devastated.

"How do you know?" Mom lays her hand on my back.

"Doesn't matter. So what's her name?"

"Liv. Olivia." Nicky answers my question but her face tells me that she feels sorry for having to.

"Does Piper seem happy?"

"Yes." Nicky again.

"Then that's all I need to know." My voice is soft and I have to take a really deep breath to control my emotions. My eyes are fixated on my hands laying in my lap. I knew this was coming. I fucking knew, but it doesn't make it any easier. I thought I would be better in handling the news but all it does is pushing me further away from her.

"I should leave her alone then. She doesn't need this. It may tear them apart and I don't want to be responsible for that. Even if she would break up with her it wouldn't mean that she takes me back and all I want for her is to be happy. So, the way I see it is that I should leave them be. Let them live a happy life, knowing that I'm not there." I'm tearing up again. "Excuse me, I need to use the restroom."

I stride to the small room, shut the door and turn the lock. In seconds I start sobbing. I try to control my volume, not wanting them to hear me. A heavy flow of tears stream down my face and I can't believe that the cries leaving my mouth are of my own making. They sound so raw, so extremely painful, so real.

This is the first moment I allow myself to really feel my most inner emotions. Right now it hits me, it's like they dropped a bomb and it exploded when they confirmed her relationship status. My emotions are driven by suppressed thoughts:

'She doesn't love me anymore.'

'She moved on.'

'She refilled her heart and let go of mine.'

It's in that exact moment that it all feels too much. The realisation knocks me off my feet. 'She let go of my heart…' Another sob runs through my body.

Someone is knocking on the door, it's so soft that I almost didn't catch it. I lift my head up and remove my hands from my face. I try to form words but my head is too clouded. My hair is sticking to my face due to the salt liquid. I push it to the side.

"Alex." It's a whisper. "Alex, are you ok?"

I compose myself and dry my tears. "Yeah, I'll be out in a second." I wash my hands and face. I literally scrub my skin with water and soap to get rid of the evidence.

I can't believe myself, it's only been two days and I've already been mad on two occasions and have had two serious breakdowns. My shaking hand reaches the doorknob and I unlock it. When I walk out they are both standing on the other side of the door.

"I do hope that hearing me piss isn't the thing you missed the most." I let out a chuckle, still trying to cover my tracks.

"Vause, me and Diane here were thinking that it would be a good idea to go out tonight. No offense, but you look like shit and somehow I think that a drink could help."

"You've never had a better idea. I can't wait to down shot after shot."

"I'm going to pretend like I didn't hear that." Mom laughs and walks away. Giving Nicky and me some much needed privacy.

We walk outside into the backyard. She lights up a cigarette and offers me one. I accept and she starts to talk.

"I have fucking missed you man. You have no idea. I drank myself into oblivion several nights in a row. I was never good at handling my feelings but fucking shit Vause, you really broke me."

"Nicky I'm…"

"I want to help you, really. I know that you're going to pretend like all of this doesn't hurt and that you got your shit together but fuck Vause, I know it's killing you. I can see right through you, don't think I don't notice the way you're supporting your legs and stomach as you walk or that I don't notice the healing bruises on your cheek or arm. I can tell that they were a hell of a lot worse."

"Nicky that's not…"

"I don't care if you're not ready to talk but don't you dare to stand there, to look me in the eye and lie. I'd rather you keep your mouth shut and nod than to come up with stupid excuses. I can see that you're hurt. In the past I would let it all slip and pretend like it's fine that you ignore it all but now I can't Vause, I lost you once and I'm not going to let you leave again. That's one thing that's not going to happen. I waited long enough. So cut the crap and let me do the talking."

A big smile appears on my face.

"What are you smiling at?" She looks annoyed.

"You sound just like my mom." I start to laugh.

"Fucking asshole!" Nicky nudges my shoulder. "Let's get wasted tonight huh?"

"After this unexpected, too cheesy speech I sure could use a bottle or three." I joke.

"That's the Alex I know and love." She gives me wink. "So what do you say? Should we get out of here?"

I change my clothes, choosing a comfortable outfit from the clothes that Nicky brought over. We say goodbye to mom and make our way out of the door. When I walk up to Nicky's vehicle and make myself comfortable in the passenger's seat I'm feeling happier than ever. Maybe this will all work out.

…..

As soon as we enter and take a place at the bar Nichols starts yelling. "I just got my best friend back so drinks on me you fuckers!"

The few people inside lift their glasses to us. I can't help but think how much I've missed this. Spending time with this wild haired friend of mine. In the past we used to do this a few times a week, getting drunk, high and picking up girls. I know that tonight may bring a lot of alcohol. I'm by no means going to try to pick up any girl but seeing the cute bartender makes me think that a little flirting won't hurt anyone. After all, I've been out the game for a while. I could use some practice.

Nicky turns to me. "I mean it Vause, tonight's all on me. Drink everything you want, don't hold yourself back cause this night, man, I've been waiting for this since forever."

"For old time's sake!" I wave my hand and the cute bartender heads our way.

"Hey gorgeous. I've never seen you before. What would you like to order?"

The girl leans onto the bar and shows me a hint of her cleavage. Shit, I didn't think she'd be so straight forward, I was planning to sit this one out. I might as well play along now. "Well, seeing as what I'd normally order is already standing in front of me I'd like two beers and three tequila shots."

"On my way." She gives me an exaggerated wink.

"Shit Vause, you still got it."

"Jealous?" Nicky playfully pushes my head to the side. When the girl returns we three take a shot in our hands.

"To the one and only Alex Vause!" Nicky yells and we all knock the shot down.

…..

We've been drinking for a few hours now. Nicky has filled me in on her life that now involves a girlfriend. I can't believe she took over my business. I'm glad though. She asked me if I intended to go back to work at VAA but truthfully, I'm not sure. I think I'm going to hand over the business to her. I'm going to need lots of time to figure out what I want.

It's long past midnight and we are both in no state to drive. We walk outside the bar and can't help but look around if a certain blond would happen to be in this part of the city.

"What you looking at?" Nicky slurs and tries to walk in a straight line. I grab her arm, supporting her and myself. I'm not doing too good.

"Is that Piper?" I point at a streetlamp in the distance. There is clearly no one there.

"Shit Vause, you can't handle your alcohol anymore."

"I wish she was here." Yep, I'm definitely wasted, there is no way I would say this in a sober state.

"So you could do what? Fuck her in public?" Nicky laughs and pulls out her phone. "I'm calling a cab. You can stay at my place tonight, you're in no state to go home. And frankly, I don't want you to leave me stretch."

Before I have the time to answer I let go of her arm and bent over to puke. Tequila is a bitch. The first few shots go down as water but before you realise it the liquid leaves the same way as it came in. I feel like I'm run over by a truck.

"You look like shit Vause."

The cab makes an appearance and we both step inside. I must have fallen asleep on her shoulder because were at her apartment in no time. We step outside, still wobbling on our legs. She lays my arm over her shoulder and drags me to the front door. We take the elevator to go up to her floor and it's in that moment that I decide to spill.

"She's a fucking bitch."

"Who do you mean?"

"My head hurts like hell."

"You also look like hell." Nicky laughs a little too hard at her own joke, fucking drunken people.

"She fucking left me."

"Technically, you left her."

"I didn't leave her."

"Still, you can't blame her."

"I can do whatever I fucking want, you see, it's time for me to be back in control." My drunken head wanders off. The elevator dings and the door opens.

Nicky struggles to open her front door but once I'm inside she points me to her guestroom.

"Good night Vause!" She walks away and bumps into a few pieces of furniture.

I look around and breathe in, taking in the familiar smell of my best friend's home. I walk over to her couch and lay myself down, I don't bother to find my to the guest room. The room is spinning and I know that I should go get a bucket, just in case. I use my feet to get rid of my shoes and snuggle further into the sofa. I do my best but can't fall asleep.

Nicky is right you know, I can't blame her. In the course of this evening I have changed my mind. I'm not going to let her hurt me more but she has the right to know that I'm alive. There is a slight chance that as soon as she knows she'll come back to me and although it's a small chance I have to take it. I can't risk losing the love of my life over my own pride. She has to know and I'm going to fight like hell to win her over. I have to.

 **I'm so glad to have found the time to post this chapter. I knew I couldn't leave you hanging like that. Thank you so much for the reviews. It helps me to figure out the course of this story and to make a few changes if I think it's necessary or if it honours the story.**

 **I will see you next week, hopefully. Have a great one!**


	13. When the truth catches up

**Chapter 13: When the truth catches up**

Some would guess that being as drunk as I'm right now would do the trick to fall asleep. Apparently there is some devil sitting on my shoulder, preventing me from giving my head some much needed rest. I've been lying here for several hours now. My back is starting to hurt, caused by my sore muscles so I decide to find my way through the darkness, the guestroom being my only goal.

On my way over I trip over my feet, grabbing a cabinet in the process but it doesn't prevent me from falling face front onto the ground. Instead of standing up I let myself lay down for a while. My hands placed above my head, palms flat on the ground. I'm moving them up and down onto the surface, swaying them, finding a steady rhythm. In the past getting drunk would always free me from my burdens. The alcohol would run through my bloodstream and when it hit it helped me to fill a certain hole. I would go out, drink and pick up beautiful women, trying to find someone to love. Someone who would love me for who I am. Someone who would really care. I've been through my fair share of women but it took me a long time to find someone that could make me feel complete, making me feel as if she was the one I was waiting for my whole life.

It's weird for me to think that that may be over. That I would be left alone. It's not only the fact that she wouldn't love me anymore, it's much more than that, much more complicated. The truth that I've been trying to hide from myself, that I'm so desperately trying to avoid by fleeing every time it surfaces, is crawling back up. In the past the alcohol would wash it away but now it's like it uses the liquid to grow out of proportion. Taking over my whole body, my existence. Because the truth is that I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared. I'm afraid that I won't be the same person that I was, that I won't be as good as a friend, as a daughter, as a lover. I'm afraid that I won't fit back into the life that I left, that I won't be the intoxicating, stunning, hot and charismatic raven haired woman that I used to be. But that's not all of it, if I'm not the same person how will Piper ever want to be with me again, I can't even count on my looks anymore since the only thing I see are scars. She loved me for who I was and if I'm not that person anymore she might try to escape from my grasp, once again.

I let myself focus on my relationship with Nicky, mom and Piper because it's too hard to try and deal with the past two years. There is so much that happened that I don't know where to start. I don't know how I can even try to process all the bad that happened to me. And here comes the truth once again, if you think that leaving my life was the hard part then you're totally wrong. The worst thing is that during my time abroad I was humiliated, threatened, hurt, bruised, scarred and treated like an object. An inconvenience, only good for serving a purpose. I haven't been functioning as a normal human being and I'm scared that I don't know how to do it anymore.

My body is starting to shake, I'm not crying but the stress is taking over. I crawl into the foetus position, protecting my body from the hurt that might follow.

When you take all of this into account I think it's understandable that once the plane landed I rushed to the store inside of the airport to buy myself a bottle of relief. So now it can't be a secret anymore that once I entered my mom's house I was already a bit tipsy.

Forbidden thoughts are constantly on my mind, contemplating if calling an old buddy could be a good or a bad thing. Right now I can handle the urge for relief, I can calm it down with an occasional sip but I'm afraid that over time it won't be enough. I'm just so afraid.

I push myself off the ground and walk to the guest room. I pull the blanket over my body and let the mattress swallow my figure. I would want it to take me away. To free me from this horrible nightmare.

…..

"Shh Lorna, she may be still asleep."

"I can't believe she's back, I'm so fucking happy for you Nicky!"

Their hushed voices fill the apartment. I forgot to shut the door so I can hear them loud and clear. My head hurts like hell so I freeze my position and try to lay as still as I can. After a while a weird feeling envelops me and I think I'm going to be sick.

"Nicky." I try to yell.

"NICKY!"

There's no time to wait for her response so I jump out of bed and run into the bathroom. I keep gagging minutes on end but almost nothing comes out.

"Well, good morning to you too."

I'm sitting down on the ground. My arm is draped over the toilet and my head is laying on top for support.

"Please stop yelling. Ugh…"

"I made some eggs and bacon for you."

Hearing her mentioning food is enough for me to start gagging once again.

"Nicky please leave."

"Here, take this."

She hands me some aspirin and a glass of water.

"Once you take this you'll feel better. Or you should drink another beer, they say the best cure for a hangover is resuming your drinking habit in the morning."

I'm considering her offer but I know I shouldn't. I had enough drinks yesterday to last me a life time.

"I'm actually proud of myself that I'm better with handling my drinks than you." She gives me a big smile but I can't be bothered to come up with a comeback.

"I've some good news, since I'm currently still the head of VAA I managed to clear my schedule for today. We can go take a walk, eat some pizza, go for a coffee, hell I don't give a shit as long as you're there."

I give her an annoyed glare.

"Right, maybe you should first catch some sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."

Nicky picks me up from the floor and walks me back to the guest room. She sets a bucket beside the bed and leaves me a bottle of water and another aspirin. I'm knocked out in seconds. Trying to give my body and soul the time to heal. To accept that I'm back, lying here in safety.

…..

"What do you want? My treat so choose whatever you like."

Choices, since when do people get to choose what they eat, how they dress, when they go to work. It's funny how you only bother to think about it once that freedom has been taken away from you. The blackboard with chalk letters describing drinks stares at me. I'm almost disgusted by the amount of choices. How am I supposed to make one?

"Vause you ok?"

"Yeah, just trying to figure out what the fuck all those suggestions are?" I point at the right section of the board.

Nicky laughs at my confused expression. "Those are vegan drinks."

"What does vegan even mean?"

"You should be glad that you didn't have to come across of this phenomenon. So these people they like…"

She lost me at the part where she spoke about being glad. What the hell should I be 'glad' for? Does she even hear what's she's talking about? 'Glad' who the fuck uses that word to describe my situation. I wish she'd be more considerate with her choice of words. Maybe trying to understand that this isn't feeling as normal as it should. Acknowledging that I have every reason to be angry at the fact that I didn't experience this weird looking vegan phenomenon. If I'm being honest, I expected more from her.

"Vause, hello?!"

"Yeah what?" I snap.

"I already ordered, what do you want?"

"Uhm, an Irish coffee?" My voice softens.

As soon as our orders are in we take a seat by the window. Maybe this coffee will give me the most needed boost. If the caffeine doesn't work maybe the Irish part will help. Nicky stands up to grab our coffee's from the counter and hands mine over.

"Thanks Nichols."

"My pleasure Vause."

"So, how are you feeling?"

"My head hurts and there's a hole in my stomach but other than that I'm actually good." I try to contain my sarcastic voice.

"Yeah we went a little overboard, I guess no redo tonight. But really, how are you? With your feelings and all."

"Did you really just ask how my feelings are?" I let out a chuckle. "That's not something past-Nicky would do."

"Yeah well, breaking down crying inside of her mother's bathroom isn't something past-Alex would do." Now Nichols is the one to snap.

"What the hell did you just say?" I'm raising my voice but try to contain my volume, I don't want to attract any unnecessary attention towards us. It's bad enough that I look like shit.

"Seriously Vause, you come back, act all happy and behave as if nothing ever happened. Hell I'm surprised you're not trying to convince me that you went on a really long vacation."

I keep quiet.

"Vause, look at me. I know shutting down is your thing and if I'm being honest, I don't know if you're capable of dealing with this on your own."

My coffee is cold. I take small sips, trying to let the alcohol work it's magic.

"Please say something." Nicky is never someone to beg, under no circumstances does she beg but here she is.

"I need to see Piper." I try to let her in but I can't.

"For what? So you can win her over? Cause that's what your planning on right? Getting rid of Liv? Please think about it for a second. What happens when you have her back? Do you think you'll be able to let her in? To tell her what happened? Cause that's definitely what you should do. Crawling back into her arms to snuggle has to wait Vause. That's not realistic cause the fact is that you're not doing ok and going back to Piper is not going to fix that. It's not gonna work and don't try to deny it because I know you and I know that you're putting all your hope onto her."

Never in my whole life has Nicky been as concerned about me as she is right now. It scares me too. I believe my own lie, thinking that pretending like it's all ok would help me to deal with it all but now that's she's laying it all out on the table I realise that I can't face this. I can't do it. I need to focus on getting Piper back. To get back to my old life as soon as possible.

"I'm glad that I saw Lorna again. How are you two doing?" I change the subject, giving myself a moment to breathe.

"We're good. She's still working at the shack and I'm really enjoying living with her."

"I never thought Nichols would let a girl move in with her." We laugh a little, getting rid of the tension hanging in the air.

We both finish our coffees and take a long walk through New York. It's still weird to be back, it hasn't settled in yet.

We go back to Nicky's apartment and order some pizza. We are doing a horror marathon, scaring ourselves with movies from our childhood. Nicky still jumps up at every terrifying scene and I laugh at every shiver that I can see running through her body. And so it happens that she throws some chips or popcorn to fight my laughter. Just like in the old days.

After four movies I'm done. We're still sitting on the couch and Nicky's putting in the next the DVD, yes we're old school. I can't help but think that I need to come up with a plan to tell Piper that I'm back and I hope that Nicky is willing to help me.

"Nichols, can I ask you something?"

"What's up?"

"About Piper, how do you think I should do it?"

"If I'm honest, I was thinking about maybe calling Liv over to tell her first."

"No that's just…" I interrupt her.

"Hear me out. Diane called me this morning to check on you and I ended up talking to her about this. We think it's best to tell Liv first because truthfully, we're not sure how Chapman's going to handle this. She might act calm and rational or she'll get tackled by her own emotions and act as she did when you disappeared." She takes a pause. "So if I'm being honest, I want to ask Liv to help us so she can support her. Diane and I are afraid that this is going to break her."

"What do you mean 'break her'?"

"I'm not judging you in any way but I think that you don't fully understand what you're disappearance has caused. And honestly, it's not my story to tell how Chapman managed to hold herself up but for your sake I'll tell you a bit."

"Thank you." I'm grateful that for the first time I'm going to hear about her, how she has been doing.

"She looked for you. For over five months she wandered the streets, night and day, hoping to catch a glimpse of you."

My eyes are watering and I do my best to suppress the tears as I picture her walking around in the dark and cold to look for me.

"She broke down more times than I can count. On one occasion I caused her to lose her mind and I'm not proud of myself but that tells you how we had to figure out how to be friends again because everything we did reminded us of you."

I let my mind ponder over her words. "Did she receive my letter?"

"Yes. She did."

I stand up and walk towards the fridge. "You want a beer?"

"No thanks, I'm fine."

I walk back over to her. She's looking at the screen, trying to catch up with the movie that has been playing in the background.

…..

"Mom are you sure that's the best idea?" I hear her sighing for the second time during this phone call.

"Yes I'm sure Alex, what have I been trying to tell you for the last twenty minutes? Nicky and I both agree that you should involve Liv when telling Piper. Dear, she's going to lose her mind and we can't have Liv loosing hers too. This is going to be one hell of a shock."

"Do you think she'll be happy to see me?" I smile thinking about a dream scenario wherein Pipes will be overwhelmed with love and hold me in her arms.

"Dear I,…, I don't know. I think she'll be thrilled that you're back but I don't know if she's going to be able to handle all the new emotions she's going to have to deal with. Also, I don't know what it'll do to her relationship. I think you're going to have to give her a lot of time to figure things out."

"Thanks mom. I needed to hear that." I'm not just saying that to make her feel good. I really mean it because mom just put my feet back onto the ground. I have to consider Piper's wellbeing over my joy to get back to her as soon as possible.

"Are you coming home tonight?"

"I don't know, I haven't really thought about that."

"Ow, ok, please promise me to let me know where you are."

I hear the sadness in her voice. "I'll be home by eight. See you then."

"Alright, see you then and don't forget that I love you Alex."

"Love you too mom."

 **This is what insomnia does to a person ;) . Spending the night rereading chapters and trying to capture moments. Have a lovely week you all!**


	14. Holding on (for tonight)

**Chapter 14: Holding on (for tonight)**

 _It's been a few hours since they gave me the piece of paper and a pen. I had all the sentences already figured out in my head so I finished the letter in no time. I've been reading it repeatedly to be sure that every drop of ink is as meaningful as I intend it to be. It still overwhelms me when all the words sink in. This is some real twisted joke wherein they are forcing me to be separated from Pipes. I hope she can find some resolve in the envelope that will hold my words for her._

 _A light flashes in front of my eyes and in no time I'm in a totally different setting. It takes me a while to figure out where I am. A knife is twisting and turning, penetrating the skin on the right part of my rib case. Blood gushes out and I try my best to keep my eyes open while my body runs cold and I start to lose consciousness._

 _Another flash of white light appears and I'm finding myself standing next to a river. Screaming at the top of my lungs. I can't make out a word that leaves my mouth. The only sound in the air is a deafening white noise._

 _A third flash. I'm looking down at myself. My body is flat on the ground, eyes shut. The knife my attacker is holding enters my body for a second time, a little to the south of the already existing wound. Another stream of blood leaves my body and I realise that there is no way I will survive this._

I jolt awake in total silence. The covers of the bed are laying discarded on the floor of Nicky's guestroom. The mattress is covered in sweat, there is a big spot on the sheet that's slightly darker than the rest. I try to wipe the sweat of my forehead but it's of no use. My hands are clam and I wipe them off on the bed. A shiver runs through me and I long for a blanket to keep me warm.

My head spins as soon as I make an effort to sit upright. When I reach out to grab my glasses a fierce pain runs through the right side of my upper body. Right through the spot where the knife went in. I lift my wet shirt and trace a finger over the scar, feeling it's radiating heat. I'm on the brink of crying. The tears are standing in line at the corner of my eye but I'm by no means planning on opening the barrier. I push my hair out of my face and place the glasses on top of my nose. The room comes into clear vision. The bright light adds to the already existing headache.

I sway my legs off the mattress and support my body as I stand up straight. A yawn escapes and I stretch my arms out above my head. I take a few steps to the door and bent my back to fumble inside the pockets of my jacket hanging on the doorknob. I find what I was looking for and stumble back to bed. I sit down at the edge and grab the bottle of beer that's sitting on top of the nightstand. I hold the bottle in front of my face and swirl it around. Just as I thought, it's half full, a leftover from last night. I open the palm of my hand, lay the pills on the tip of my tongue and swallow them with ease. I can feel them travelling down to their destination, their large size betraying their presence. I lay back down, press the bottle onto my chapped lips and take big gulps. Once it's finished I throw it across the room and close my eyes.

…..

I deliberately choose to ignore my ringing phone. It has been going off hours on end and every time it rings I pretend to be asleep. It's almost evening and Nicky is about to return from VAA. Lorna left about an hour ago to go to work, she hasn't seen me even once. I ignored her knocks on the door and the tray with a now cold breakfast that sits next to the bed. I find it easier to live with Nicky and Lorna than with my mom. After only one day of her encouraging me to wake up at a decent hour and to fill my day with so called fun activities I packed my bag and walked all the way to Nicky's apartment. I'm blaming my current exhaustion on the hour long walk but deep down I know that it's caused by more than that.

Nicky said that she would take care of inviting Liv to talk about the upcoming change in her life. Up to now I haven't seen any action taken by her. She sure hasn't forgotten cause every time she starts a conversation I remind her. There seems to be something bothering her but I can't point my finger to what it exactly is. I'm going to ask her again tonight.

Speaking of the devil, I hear the front door opening and closing. She's shuffling around, probably putting away her coat, taking of her shoes and throwing her keys on top of the counter. Footsteps are nearing my door so I act fast and once again pretend to be asleep. The door cracks open and I don't dare to move a muscle. I'm laying with my back towards the door, I did it on purpose so I wouldn't have the urge to react to the light entering the room ever so slowly. The door closes but I don't hear her walking away. I try to steady my breathing pattern to succeed in my act. Footsteps are nearing the bed and it sounds as if she's picking up the tray off the floor, putting the discarded beer bottle on top before she takes off. The door closes and I let out a heavy sigh. 'What am I even doing?' I think to myself.

I roll over onto my back and my body shocks me with fierce ache. The adrenaline and dopamine induced through my excitement to come home are no longer enough to cover the ever existing pain I'm suffering. The bruises on my side are almost healed but every time I turn around, try to stand up or simply straighten my back they make their presence known. The doctor told me it would take a while to heal properly and vanish but I think it's understandable that my patience is running out, this isn't the first time I have to recover from an attack. It's like I mastered the art of pretending to be fine and now I'm on my way to get my next diploma, a PhD on shutting people off. I laugh with my miserable way of behaving.

Maybe it's hard to understand but my expectations of how I would feel after my return are not met, not even a little bit. I had expected to feel more happiness, to be overcome with joy. Meeting Piper was the only thing on my mind while riding the plane, then I went into thinking that maybe it was better to leave her alone and now I'm back to wanting her. I'm so overcome by different emotions, all surfacing at the same time that it's almost impossible to process them. Let alone figure out what I actually want. One second I go for plan A and the next A is off the table and B enters the room. It's exhausting. It's frustrating. It's so not me. I'm losing control.

I give myself another twenty minutes to recover before I stand up and walk out. Nicky is standing in the kitchen, cooking a meal. The food smells delicious.

"Burned too many calories last night?" I snatch a carrot of her cutting board and take a few bites.

"Wouldn't you like to know. Jealous much?" Nicky walks towards the fridge and takes out some cilantro, basil and lemon. "I'm cooking us a real meal, don't act so surprised."

"The neighbours coming?" I smirk and try to take another carrot, Nicky acts fast and slaps my hand away. "I think you went a little overboard here."

"Diane is joining us, so is Liv." Nicky tells it as if it's the most obvious thing in the world and continuous her cooking adventure.

"Uhm ok, how come you're only telling me this now? I've been home all day you know." I take a step back, feeling slightly annoyed.

"Vause, I called you several times, you never picked up." Nicky turns her back to me and stirs in the pot on the stove.

Shit. I run my hand through my hair and sigh. "I think I'm going to take a walk. What time will they be here?"

Nicky turns around and walks into the living room. "Your mom will be here in half an hour. Liv comes around eight. Suit yourself but maybe take a shower first. You smell like a bar on legs, hot legs though." Nicky smirks and hands me a key. "So you can let yourself in."

I accept the key and go back into my room to take a black jeans and a black blouse I know I look stunning in. The bathroom is next door and I'm in no time standing under the never ending stream off water. I wash my hair, shampoo and conditioner, shave my legs, armpits and all the other places I like to keep smooth. I haven't really been paying attention to my appearance but today is another story. It's not that I consider Liv as an enemy, someone I need to impress or someone I want to fall for me. I just want her to like me and to acknowledge the reason Piper love(d)? me. Ugh, this uncertainty is killing me.

I look in the mirror and apply some light make up, cover my lips with a deep red shade, accentuate my eyes with black eyeliner, drawing a thin line to reinvent my signature look. Once I'm happy I grab inside of my toiletry bag and take out a perfume. I sprinkle it onto my neck and wrists, exaggerating a bit so the smell of roses hangs in the air.

For a second time I look myself up and down. Hot is the first word that comes to mind. The blouse accentuates my breasts, covers my stomach and masks what's left of my rose tattoo. I wouldn't call myself beautiful but if there is anyone that looks at me and thinks of me in that way I considerate it mission accomplished.

Before I leave I take Nicky's IPod out of her jacket. "See you in a bit!"

"See you later Vause! Don't be late please!" Nicky is busy stirring the pots and doesn't have the chance to wave me out. I'm kind of glad cause she'll declare me nuts seeing me dressed up for nothing.

"Yes aunt Nichols!" I yell back and slam the door shut. The elevator ride doesn't take too much time and when I enter the hallway of the building I can already feel the wind coming in from under the door. Breathe Alex, breathe.

…..

"Do you really have to go?" I'm pouting and pulling at the strings of her hoody, preventing her from leaving.

"Piper, as much as I want to be here I really need you to let me go or I will be late." Liv pulls at my wrists and gives me a peck on the lips. "My mom needs me, I'm sorry."

"When will you be back?" I pick up a few books and put them in the right isle. It's almost closing time and I really want to leave.

"I actually don't know. Can't you ask a friend to come over? I don't want you to be alone." Her hands run up and down the sides of my arms.

"No, I don't know what's going on but Polly is on vacation, Nicky and Lorna apparently have plans to spent the night on their own. Hell, I even called Diane but she's not in town. So the moral of the story is that I'll be home alone tonight, waiting for you to return." God, that came out wrong. I smile at Liv, acknowledging my pathetic behaviour. She chuckles and kisses me again.

"Don't worry babe, I'll be back. See you later and don't you dare to enjoy yourself too much!" Liv walks out but looks over one more time to wave me a kiss goodbye.

When she's out of sight I release a breath I didn't know I was holding. I resume my work, not wanting to stay here longer than necessary.

I work myself through a pile of administration, count the cash and unpack a few boxes. I'm finishing up filling the shelves with the recommended books of the month. I do a last check up, looking around in the store to make sure everything is ready for a new beginning in the morning. Preparing myself for an evening of my own I take my purse, put on my coat and switch the lights out. I try to find my way in the darkness using the flashlight in my phone. I'm almost at the door when I get a heart attack. It's still a normal time of day for the streets to be busy, especially in New York but the figure I see at the other side of the road makes me drop all the items I'm holding. Panic rises and I try to move my legs.

"Alex?"

A loaded question, subtly asked, almost incomprehensible. Slowly coming back to senses I find myself in the fight or flight mode. I run out.

"AL!"

Yelling.

"ALEX!"

Screaming.

…..

My first instinct was to wander around and pick up a few bottles before returning to Nicky's apartment but now it seems like a bad plan, especially as I was planning to drink a few sips. Nicky would be pissed off, mom would be furious so I decide against it and actually take a walk.

I'm so caught up in my own thoughts, drifting away with the help of the blasting music, that I didn't even notice that I've been walking for more than an hour. I passed many streets, subconsciously passing Piper's bookstore. I may have crossed it on purpose but I will never admit that. I might have if I had had the guts to actually look inside. But I didn't. I kept on walking, passing by. Trying to feel her presence.

It's time for me to get back so I take a cab and stand on Nicky's pavement in no time. It's almost eight a clock, just enough time to hide myself before Liv comes.

….

"Hey dear, wow, you look fantastic, you did all this for me?" Mom is looking me up and down.

"Thanks mom." I give her a big hug and a peck on her cheek. "You ready for tonight?"

"I should be the one asking you." She lets me inside and goes to help Nicky who is setting the table. "Lorna is already here, take a seat Alex and try to relax. It will all be alright."

I don't respond and walk to my room, shutting the door close. The newly bought cigarettes are in the pocket of my jeans, I take one out and take a seat by the window, open it and lit the cigarette. It's dangling between my lips as I repeatedly inhale the smoke, hoping it will relax me.

Someone knocks on the door.

"Yeah, come in." The cigarette is reduced to a bud so I fish another one out of the packet and lit it.

"Hey Al, Liv just called Nicky, she'll be here in ten minutes. You ok?" She takes a seat on the bed, few steps away from me.

I turn my head in her direction, keeping the cigarette directed out of the room not wanting the smoke enter. "I don't know. It's just… I went by Piper's store. But before you freak out, I didn't see her and she didn't see me. I just wanted to feel close to her. I just don't know how to handle this. Do I have to wait until Nicky tells her for me to walk out of this room? Or do I stand by your side? Where do you want me to be?" The cigarette is reduced to ash. I close the window and take a seat next to mom. She takes my hand.

"Alex dear, you do what feels right." She strokes the back of my hand with her thumb.

"That's the problem, I don't know what's right, honestly." The doorbell rings and she stands up. Stretching her arm, wanting me to take her hand.

"I will guide you through this." A warm smile spreads across her face and I take her hand, giving her control. For tonight.

…..

I'm standing in a corner, not knowing what posture to give myself. The walk helped me to rid me off some uncertainties but seeing a glimpse of the woman I suppose is Liv is enough for me to fall back into my old habits. A little bottle I sneaked out of my room is now touching my lips.

Mom is still busy greeting Liv. Nicky and Lorna have joined them in the hallway. I'm pretending to be busy in the kitchen, stirring in the pots that are ready to be served. It's foolish, I know.

They are walking through the living room, approaching the kitchen, making small talk and laughing at Nicky's jokes. I have to man up so I straighten my back, push my chest forward and take big, confident steps towards her. Once she comes into full sight I stand still.

Liv is nothing like I expected her to be. She's tall, has thick brown shoulder length hair and hazelnut eyes. She's wearing a dress of which I have to say that it fits her in all the right places. I can see why Piper would fall for her, she's simple, full of life and I guess she doesn't have too much baggage like I do.

She's still laughing with Nicky and hasn't noticed my presence. I take the matter into my own hands. "Hi, uhm.. we haven't met before, I'm a… I'm Vause." I extend my hand.

She shakes it. "Hi, I'm Liv." I must have acted strange, I can see she's questioning something, the puzzled look on her face affirms my suspicion.

Tension fills the air and were all standing there, waiting for Liv or me to do or say something. It's a very uncomfortable situation, we are all letting the time pass, hoping for someone to break through.

"I have brought wine over, who wants a drink before dinner?" Mom walks towards the kitchen and takes the bottle of the counter. She returns to the living room and holds the bottle in the air.

"I'll take some!" I say a little too fast. Nicky gives me a comforting smile, sensing my awkwardness. Mom fills all the glasses and we toast to a great night.

They all engage in a conversation about Nicky's work, aka my business, Lorna's job at the shack and mom's new boyfriend Robert. Liv doesn't say much about herself, I don't really know her but I can tell when someone is uncomfortable. She's barely said a word. That's until she breaks the conversation, asking a question directed at my best friend.

"Why am I here Nicky?" Her voice is friendly but still demanding, genuine confusion written all over her face.

Nicky turns her head towards her but doesn't say a word.

"Liv, dear, I know that you're smart and that you've already figured out why you are here. I can sense everyone is on edge and nervous so I think it's best if we all take a deep breath and talk about what's really going on here." Mom takes her hand, comforting the poor girl cause she has no idea what she's gotten herself into.

"You are the girl from the picture." She points at me, a warm smile on her face. I can't help but smile back. Appreciating her effort. I assume that Piper showed her photos of me so I nod my head.

"You're Alex, right?" She's surprisingly calm considering she's stating something that could become her worst nightmare.

"Yes, I'm Alex." I finish the remainder of my glass, wanting to escape.

"I recognised you immediately." Liv looks at me sympathetically. "I think I have a pretty good feeling as to why I'm here now. Piper doesn't know, right?"

 **Some may think that I'm purposefully delaying the reunion of Alex and Piper but I hope that you can see and feel that it isn't as simple as it looks. I find it important to take a look inside of Alex's mind to understand how mixed up her emotions are.**

 **Someone mentioned that I'm not giving Piper enough credit. I can totally see were you're coming from. Nicky and Diane mainly ask Liv to help them because they want to protect Piper. And to protect Alex, let's not forget that she may well be the most vulnerable person in this story and seeing how she's not coping with her emotions and hoping that Piper will be some kind of miracle it's important for Nicky and Diane to grab whatever control they can have over the situation. I hope this gives you some insight on my perspective. This being said, thank you for the lovely reviews and have a nice week!**


	15. Will you take my hand

**Chapter 15: Will you take my hand**

" _You have no idea how good it is to see you."_

 _Her green eyes are full of life, staring back at me, wondering why it took us so long to find each other again. They speak for themselves, figuring out if all the little details, every freckle, every dimple and wrinkle is still there. Her intriguing stare is almost too much to take, it warms my heart._

 _Her raspy voice resonates. "I know kid. It's an incredible feeling."_

 _I run my hands up and down her arms, barely touching her as I feel every stitch of her sweater underneath my fingertips. The smooth material helps to make a safe journey over her fragile body. I'm afraid to really touch her, to feel her skin and observe her reaction. Maybe my touch will drive her away or worse, she could transform into a pile of ashes slipping right through my fingers, dissolving in the air._

 _The thought of losing her makes me shift my gaze, looking back up into her eyes. Something changed, the green orbits have been interrupted by a drop of brown. The drop bounces on top of the surface before it bores a hole. The identical density of both colours ensures a blending, the green gets swallowed and a deep brown colour dominates._

 _I lift my hand and trace her cheek, slowly going lower tracing my thumb over her lips, lingering there for a second. The plump deep red lips are replaced by thin rosy ones. Every feature defining her gets lost. She crumbles, she drowns, she marshes off. She disappears._

… _._

"Why is it happening? Why now?"

Yesterday really threw me off. I contemplated calling Nicky or Diane after the encounter but I realised that I would have only made a fool out of myself. I tried to process the emotions by ordering Chinese and seeing my favourite movie for the tenth time, but it wasn't enough. After a stressful morning I really had to talk to someone. I gave my employees orders so they are able to run the store for the time being.

"So, let me make this clear, you woke me up because you think you saw Vause?" Nicky offers me a cup of coffee as we're sitting at her kitchen counter.

"You should be glad I dragged your ass out of bed. Anyway, I don't know what happened, it felt like I was transported back in time. Her presence…That woman across the street looked so much like her. It's like a sign, like I had to see her but the reason is unclear to me. Why would my brain go there? After all this time?" I take a sip of coffee and wipe the fluid off my mouth with the back of my hand.

"I really have no idea Chapman." Nicky picks up her spoon and makes lousy circles in her coffee. She looks distracted, probably trying to make sense of what I saw.

"But that's not everything, as I walked out of the store to come here I saw her again and it's freaking me out. I can't go back to a place where I'm constantly aware of every raven haired woman I cross." The feeling I got when seeing her crawls back under my skin. A hot flash takes over my body so I roll up my sleeves. Little goosebumps are visible, betraying my still existing shock.

Nicky lays her hand on my arm. "I don't have an explanation for it but it might pass."

She is sending of some weird vibes. Normally she would be all in my face, cracking jokes, laughing at me, calling me crazy. I was looking forward to this kind of embarrassment hoping she could get me to come to senses. "Should I tell Liv?"

"That's up to you I guess."

"Hello? Nicky? Are you in there?" I wave my hand in front of her face. "What's up with the vague answers and your fixed gaze on your watch?"

"Look, Chapman, I think you should give yourself some time. It might pass." She stands up abruptly and drags me by my arm towards the front door. "I really have to go to work so you should go. I'll talk to you later Blondie."

The door falls shut and here I'm standing in the hallway of the building shaking my head wondering what the hell just happened.

…

"What the fuck you asshole!"

"Hello to you too Nichols." I smirk. This is one hell of a way to welcome me back into her apartment.

"You went to see her?!" Nicky's hair is wild, sticking out from all sides. She's giving me a confusing look and I can't make out if she's about to be angry or going to laugh. She's the spitting image of a maniac.

"Mom couldn't keep her mouth shut I guess." I walk in nonchalantly, throw my jacket on her couch and walk towards the kitchen.

"Already binging, I see." Nicky gestures to the beer in my hand but I shrug my shoulders and keep drinking.

"What are you so angry about?"

"Angry? Are you fucking kidding me Vause? Piper was just here! Like literally a few seconds ago, she was freaking out cause she saw you." Nicky folds her arms over her chest trying to supress her annoyance.

"Shit."

"Yeah shit!"

Nicky is working through her anger. I really didn't think that Piper had seen me, that was certainly not the plan. Ok, that may have been the plan at first but as soon as I rounded the corner of the street her shop is on I couldn't do it. Still, I walked past. We've always been like a magnet, one pole connecting to the other so it was hardly my fault to act on my desire. The chance of her seeing me through the crowd of people was so slim that I decided to take the risk. That clearly wasn't a smart move to make. It's a good thing we came to an agreement yesterday, Piper won't be left in the dark for too long.

As to my surprise Liv was very supportive of the whole conversation.

" _I think I have a pretty good feeling as to why I'm here now. Piper doesn't know, right?"_

 _Liv's rhetorical question is my queue to step in. "She doesn't, and I guess I didn't want to scare you by letting her know the first second I got back. It wouldn't be fair and I don't want you to feel threatened by me."_

I kind of said it to get rid of Liv's initial shock. What she doesn't know, and frankly she shouldn't is that I'm not planning on running away. If Piper offers me to start over there is no doubt in my mind to do so. So yeah, maybe I lied, maybe she should feel threatened.

" _How do you want me to be a part of this?"_

" _There is no doubt about the fact that I want to be the one to tell her. No one is allowed to open their mouths. This is my return and my moment with Piper, although I do respect that she moved on with you Liv._

Maybe I was a little too hostile while warning them. It's just that I'm the one who knows Pipes, I know how she thinks and works or I used to in the past. She'll never forgive me if I'm not the one to tell her. After they all agreed that I should be the one telling her we made plan.

Mom and Nicky were still convinced that I should take my time and that I should delay the meeting with Piper. After a heated argument, that I won, off course, they threw their towel in the ring. It wasn't a pretty sight. I had to use everything in my power, without getting physical, to make myself very clear. I agreed with Liv that I would come by their apartment today. Piper should be home at nine o'clock and Liv would make some excuse so I can come by as Piper is alone.

I want to know how she reacted when she saw me so I really do have to ask. "How was she?"

…

I called Diane to make sure that she's back in town before I made the drive over to her house.

The shop is closed for the remainder of the day cause I'm by no means in the mood to get interrupted by phone calls of incapable employees. Nicky's behaviour worries me to an extend that I have to involve Diane. I'm afraid that she might be going back to a bad place after I dropped that bomb. She seemed so out of it, in a totally different headspace.

I step out of my car and walk up to the front the door. It takes a while before Diane appears but once the door is open and I step inside she pulls me into a big hug. Her home is always filled with a sweet smell, making me feel as if I belong here.

"Come in Piper. I was just cooking some soup, you want a bowl?" She walks away into the kitchen.

"Yeah sure, thanks!" I take of my sneakers and put them in the shoe rack. My eye catches the material of a jacket above me. I stand back up and take the leather into my hands immediately recognising the well-worn piece of clothing. It's the jacket Nicky picked up from my house. I take it off the hook and pull it towards my face. I take a deep breath in. The smell of roses and cigarettes is stronger than it used to be. It used to be gone, but now, it's back. Her smell is back and I'm left here wondering where the hell it came from. I hang it back up and feel a little dizzy, her scent used to do that to me, back in the old days. It could sweep me off my feet sending me into a whole other dimension. Now Liv's smell is doing that to me, it's a different kind of feeling but the effect is almost as strong as Alex's. I know I'm not supposed to compare them but sometimes it just happens.

"Piper you coming?" Diane appears in the doorway gesturing me to come over. I take a seat at the table right across from her.

"So how was your trip?" I take a spoonful of soup and bring it towards my mouth. It tastes delicious. "This soup is very tasteful by the way."

"Thanks, but what trip are you referring to?"

"You said you were out of town yesterday."

Diane shakes her head before continuing. "Oh, that trip, yeah it was nice."

Never in my life have I ever questioned Diane's honesty. Never even for a second, but now I can't help but see a glint of worry, confusion and guilt in her eyes. I have no idea where it's coming from. I decide to let it go. Maybe it's my lack of sleep last night that's making me see things.

"How are you dear?"

"I'm fine I guess."

"You guess. Something bothering you?" She gives me a sympathetic smile.

"I'm not sure that I should discuss this with you but I'm worried about Nicky." I look down at the bowl and continue eating.

"Did something happen?"

"Not really but I went by her house at lunchtime and told her something that happened to me yesterday. I expected her to react in a totally different way than she did and I'm worried that she falls back into old habits." I have to take a deep breath after this long rant. I'm glad that it's off my chest.

"I'm sure Nicky is doing fine. She'll probably have a lot on her mind with VAA and all. She wants to do it justice but if you think there is a reason to worry you know you can always come to me."

"That makes sense. Thanks."

"What did you tell Nicky that made her act that way?"

I'm not sure if I should tell her this. She does like to talk about Alex but maybe this is too much. "Well, uhm…The thing is, when I was about to close the shop yesterday I saw someone that looked exactly like Alex." I tell her that it happened again this morning and that I'm afraid that I'm going nuts. "Last night, I couldn't sleep after I woke from a really weird dream. It's like Liv and Alex were almost one and the same person but still all so different. I can't explain it. Why would this be happening?"

Diane is thinking, I can almost hear her brains cracking under the pressure. "Sometimes our mind lets us see things that were secretly craving. Since you're seeing someone on the streets that resembles Alex it's normal for your brain to try and figure where that's coming from. You are fine Piper, it's completely normal."

"But that's the thing. I'm not craving her. I've put so much effort into letting her go, I have someone new and I'm afraid that I will drive her away if Alex keeps getting in between us." I wait before I add the next sentence. "She always used to make my life ten times more difficult." I let out a laugh and Diane joins in.

"She sure does." Diane gives me a wink and stands up with the now empty bowls in her hands. While making her way over to the dishwasher she stops dead in her tracks and I sure know why she does that. It's been so long since she's made that mistake so I decide to let it slip and pretend like I didn't hear it.

"You want anything to drink Piper?" Diane reaches for the cupboard and takes out a glass.

"No thanks, I should get going. Liv is going to be home soon. Thank you for listening to my rambling." I walk over to the front door to put my shoes back on. Diane follows me. "I see that you put her jacket in plain sight."

"Yeah. I did." Diane shuffles around awkwardly.

"It's like she wore it yesterday, it smells just like her, more than it ever did." We keep standing there, smiling at each other understanding the need of bringing Alex in our life once in a while.

Diane opens her arms, hugging me tight before whispering in my ear. "Just remember Piper, no matter what your mind tells you, always listen to your heart."

Without having a clue what that's supposed to mean I make my way over to the car and drive away looking forward to see my girlfriend.

…

"You ready Vause?"

I've put some real effort into my appearance. I want to look like the Alex she saw last. The one she left behind. The one she fell in love with. I'm extremely nervous. It's hard to get myself busy with anything, my thoughts keep drifting off landing on that gorgeous blonde lady. But after hearing from Nicky that she was happy about seeing me my confidence is slightly raised. Still, I have no clue about how she will react but the thought of seeing her is enough for me to grab all the courage I can get. Liv is supposed to text me in an hour to say that I'm allowed to go to Piper's apartment.

I was surprised to see that she kept the place, our place. I'm beyond excited to find out if she's still sleeping in the same bed. I want to know if she kept any of my items, if she clings to them. I want to know it all. She needs to fill me in on her life and it's going to take lots of time, we may be spending the whole night together because I'm not letting her go. I realise that she isn't mine anymore but I think that she needs me as much as I need her.

The memories of our shared time keep me alive. Every time I start to fall into that black bottomless pit I find myself crawling back up, for her. I'm doing it all for her.

"Yo Vause, you gonna answer me?"

"You bet I'm ready to do this. I've been ready since the day I was kidnapped." I joke but Nicky seems to be taking it seriously.

"That's some fucked up humour you got there." She finally lets out a nervous laugh.

…

Liv's been avoiding me since I came home. I was ready to spoil her with a nice dinner, I had everything set up but now there seems to be some kind of emergency. I was going to tell her about what happened yesterday and today but she doesn't give me a chance to talk to her. It all seems too suspicious. Nicky was so out of it, Diane was acting weird and now Liv seems to ignore me, not giving me any attention. She barely kissed me back when I greeted her. What the hell is going on. Something is clearly not right and I want to find out what is bothering her and if it has anything to do with the strange behaviour of my friends. If there is one thing I can't stand than it's being left in the dark. I've worked myself through some harsh times, I'm a strong woman. I can take care of myself.

"What's going on?" Liv is changing her clothes in the bedroom and I'm cornering her. After today I'm really not in the mood to act nice.

"I don't know what you are talking about." She answers cold. Now I'm definitely sure that something is going on. She can't even look me in the eye, she keeps staring at the ground as if it's the most interesting thing in the world.

"That's the exact same answer Nicky and Diane gave me. I'm not an idiot and I know when something is wrong. You can barely look at me and you are clearly stressed out. Nicky threw me out of her apartment earlier today and Diane avoided simple questions. I'm sorry Liv but I can't fucking take it anymore. What the fuck is going on?" My annoyance is clearly surfacing and I have to hold myself back from yelling. This is getting ugly.

"Piper. I…."She looks at me, begging me to stop asking questions.

"What for the love of god could be so awful that you people seem to think that it's something I cannot handle?" I brush my hair through my fingers and pull it backwards. "Tell me."

"I can't." Liv tries to walk away from the situation.

"Look at me, I won't get angry but I really need you to be honest." Now it's me who's begging. My stress level is through the roof and I'm starting to shake a little. She moves to the living room and I follow her tracks.

"I promised Nicky and Diane that I would wait until the time is right." Liv turns around and takes a step towards me to grab my hands.

"Right for what?" I squeeze her hands. "Fucking tell me. Right for what?"

"Piper please don't do this." She let's go of my hands and turns away. I have just enough time to notice the single tear that's running down her cheek.

"Right for what?" I have to hold back my own tears. The not knowing is killing me. "Did you cheat on me? Is that it?" My voice is becoming harsher with each passing second. "Is Diane dying? Is Nicky sick? Are you sick? Please just fucking tell me already I can't stand this behaviour of you all tiptoeing around." I've had enough. "Tell me or I'm calling Nicky and I'm sure as hell that this is something I'd rather hear from you, whatever this is."

Liv turns back around and waits a few seconds. The apartment has never been as silent as it is right now. You could hear a pin drop. I'm sure that whatever this is, it's not good. I look deep into her eyes and plead.

She takes a deep breath before she drops the bomb. "Alex isn't dead." Her voice is extremely soft, I've never seen her this vulnerable. Her hands are shaking, her body is trying to free her from all the stress she's carrying around.

I didn't hear her right. She didn't just say that. Wake up Piper, ask her again. You must have heard wrong. "Can you repeat that please, I didn't quite catch that."

She sighs before she repeats herself. "I spoke to her, yesterday. She's not dead." She seems scared to speak the words too loud.

"What the fuck are you saying? Don't you fucking lie." I raise my voice. Liv tries to take my hands but I tuck them inside my jeans protecting myself from her words. They are cutting into me. My heart is pounding rapidly.

"Piper, I'm not lying. I wouldn't dare to lie about something like this." She finally speaks up.

It's true, who would lie about something like this, but still, I can't process it. This can't be true. "Other than to her ghost I don't see how you could have been talking to her. She had a fucking funeral, she's dead Liv." I let out a sarcastic laugh, as if the situation wasn't bad enough.

"Nicky asked me to come over and there she was." Fresh tears are dropped.

I can see it in her eyes, she isn't lying. I know her too well to know when she's telling me bullshit. It sinks in and I can't help but beg. "Don't do this to me. Please. She is dead." I whisper. The tears are now threatening to spill. It all makes sense now, Diane asking for her clothing, Nicky's behaviour, Diane's avoidance and especially the way she said goodbye to me but still, something tells me that this isn't right. An alarm goes off in my head and I act out. I can't handle this. The tears are rolling down my own cheeks as I realise that this isn't what I want.

"Piper, I'm so sorry." She's still standing in front of me. I know she will try and comfort me but I can't. I really can't.

"Get out!" I yell angrily. I can't contain myself as I do something that I will probably regret later on.

"Piper please."

"Get out of my fucking apartment." A loud sob escapes. "LEAVE!"

After thirty minutes someone is knocking aggresively on my front door.

"Chapman open the fucking door!" It's Nicky's voice, Liv must have called her.

"Leave me the fuck alone you lying piece of shit! What the fuck is your problem?! YOU'RE ALL TRYING TO FUCK ME UP!"

"Piper, please, I'm going to break this fucking door down if you don't open it in three seconds." She sounds serious but I need to be alone. "I'm counting, one…two…three."

I open the door. Nicky pushes me back and enters. "Alex is back." The anger is gone. She takes me by my shoulders and shakes me as if she's trying to wake me up from this horrible dream.

"Shut the FUCK up!" I slap her hands off of me.

"Liv wasn't lying." Her voice is so calm, it's incredibly annoying. She's treating me like a child.

"Leave me the fuck alone and get out!" I point towards the door.

"Piper I swear to god. We are NOT lying! Alex is back. She was in serious danger and had no other choice but to follow orders and disappear."

"I don't want to hear it." I put my hands over my ears. I'm not ready to do this. This isn't right.

"You don't have to but at least now you know that the woman you saw in the street was indeed Alex."

"So you did lie to me." I accuse her. She fucking lied in my face, that fucking asshole. What she did to me is unforgivable. Friends aren't supposed to lie to each other, not over something like this.

"In that case, yes I did lie to you." The way she's acting, so casually, is making me more angry.

"Well Alex is in fact dead so get the fuck out, don't bother to ever try and contact me again and tell Liv that whatever had been going on between us is over." My tears stopped falling but the sobs are still there.

"You can't do this." The hurt is evident in her voice.

"GET THE FUCK OUT!" I shove Nicky back towards the door and push her outside. I'm about to turn around and throw door in her face when I hear my name being called. It's a voice that shouldn't exist anymore. A voice that can cut right through me, one that holds the power to rip my heart out. It's that exact voice that's filling the hallway. My first instinct is to escape, not wanting to hear it ever again. It's been haunting me for so long and it has cost me more energy than I had to get rid of it. To banish it from my mind, to start living again, to let it go. That's it, I had to let it go, I did it and now, it's here. It's ever so soft, so raspy, so familiar, so full of love. And I so don't want it.

"Pipes."

It's too hard to hear it after accepting I wouldn't hear it ever again. I have to go, I have to escape. I can't do this, I won't. I throw the door close and sink down onto the floor, my back against the door. I push my knees up to my chest. Rocking my body back and forth. The tears are back, running freely down my cheeks.

"Pipes please open the door."

There is that voice again.

"For fucks sake Vause I told you to stay in the fucking car." I hear Nicky yelling.

…..

When I saw her, standing in the doorway, my heart stopped. I've never been this happy in a long time. My heart is swelling and is beating insanely fast. "Pipes."

"Get out of my head Alex, it's been two fucking years. Haven't you had enough time to play around." I can hear her crying. Her voice sounds broken. But what breaks me is that she is pretending that I'm a ghost. That I'm not someone who exists. "Please, Pipes, it's me."

"Don't do this to me." It's so soft but oh so loud enough for me to hear.

Why is she begging me this, I don't understand. I thought she'd be thrilled to see me again. I imagined her opening her arms and letting me in. I saw us laying down on our bed crying, laughing, telling stories. Getting back together. All the time I had these past two years I spend imaging this beautiful moment and now that it's here it's worse than any nightmare I've ever had. "Pipes…" I promised myself that I would fight so I will. I have to push her.

"Don't do this to me."

She keeps begging me. Over and over again. Asking, no, demanding me to leave, to get out of her head, to leave her alone and every time I get more anxious and I ask myself why she is doing this. Why is she pushing me away? I'm finally here.

"Alex, you are dead, get away from me. Please."

The volume of her sobs increases. My head is leaning against the door, the palms of my hands flat against the wooden surface, I'm sitting on my ankles, squatting, trying to be as close to her as I can. My own dam breaks and my tears keep on coming.

"Pipes, it's really me. Please let me explain." We share the same rhythm when we both sob, each on the other side of the door. I can hear her breathing heavily.

After a few minutes she shuffles around and unlike all expectations the door swings open. She stands there, looking me in the eye. Her emotions are very hard to read. I have no clue of all the things she's feeling.

"Alex…"

My name hangs in the air and I don't know what to do. Now we are both crying in utter silence, staring each other down as blue and green meet again after all this time. We seem to blend well together but I'm too afraid to take a step forward.

"Alex…"

She looks defeated, her voice becomes softer every time she says my name. It's becoming a mantra.

"Al…"


	16. It's going to take us a lifetime

**Chapter 16 : It's going to take us a lifetime**

My feelings are always balancing on a thin line between envy and admiration when I see old couples. The never ending love radiates off of them as they continue to live their lives together. They seem to be in sync, understanding each other's needs, sharing dreams and experiences. But underneath all that beauty and peace lies a lifetime full of heartbreak, difficulty and silence. It's impossible to live with someone for so long without hurting them, sometimes in a disgusting, unforgivable way. I'm by no means trying to undermine their love. It's just that I have seen it all, the lies, faking, pretending. It's still happening in the household where I spent my childhood. My parents dedicate their life to pretending to love each other just to keep up their outward appearance. It's a shame, it shouldn't be that way. But as everyone knows the universe is fucked up, incompatible people put rings on their fingers and the compatible ones, sometimes, get lost along the way.

I admire my parents for their commitment, the determination to keep going no matter what happens. My mother's alcoholism or my dad's cheating wasn't enough to drive them apart. Over and over they come to some meaningless shared agreement, something to hold onto until one of them throws it away a few days or weeks later. Their cycle keeps repeating itself.

The envy emanates from my own frustration of knowing that I could have had everything they lack. Sure Alex and I have had our problems, there is no doubt. Her being a former drug dealer has ruined everything good in our lives and made us into the most toxic couple that ever existed. But still, we worked through it and for a while it worked out just fine, we were a steady thing. I saw us getting married, maybe having kids one day, who knows. But as the origin of life predicts, everything must come to an end. Nothing can continue on forever, it's inevitable. The energy you are born with must be given back when dying and apparently Alex's faith was to be reintroduced into the circle of life way too early. Or so I thought.

All the hours spent on what could have been, all the what ifs, have all been for nothing and that realisation hit me as soon as I heard her voice resonating through the hallway of my apartment building.

" _Alex…"_

" _Alex…"_

" _Al…"_

My imagination is running wild. It's really her, it really is. I look her up and down, trying to take her in. She's wearing the exact same outfit she wore the day I surprised her at the burlesque show. The day I took her away from that Sylvie person. I don't know how to feel about her thoughtful choice of clothing. What does she mean by this. Does she want a redo of that night, dropping everything and everyone around us, forgetting all of it to repeat our history? I let the thought pass and shift my focus to the ground. Although Alex seems extremely nervous and uncomfortable she still carries around that enormous amount of confidence. She never looks away, not wanting this moment to get ruined. But I have to, she can't expect me to look her in the eye when she looks almost overjoyed to see me. I can't, at least not after this sudden, unannounced return.

My emotions are all over the place, I don't know what to think, what to do, how to act, my mind is blank, my make- up is ruined and I must look way older than I did fifteen minutes ago. I'm glad that she hasn't said a word cause I'm not sure if I can handle it to hear that voice again.

Both our faces are covered in tearstains. Our eyes are red and puffy. The sobs die down but there are still a few lonely tears following the lead of all the others who have run down freely to create patterns on top of our skin.

I raise my hand, being extremely cautious, inch by inch, reaching for her face. Her eyes are closed by the time the index finger of my right hand brushes over her cheek. As soon as my whole hand lays on her pale skin a loaded breath escapes. A heavy sigh, releasing tension, expressing both of our gut-wrenching emotions. Her eyes are still closed as my left hand follows behind. I caress her cheeks as she leans into my touch. The weight of her head in my hands makes me feel indescribable things. Just as in my dream my thumbs take halt at her lips. I trace them, feeling the soft skin under my fingers. My throat tightens, a short intake of breath follows before a loud sob escapes. She's alive. Her eyes open when she hears that piercing sound. It's the second time green and blue meet. Her scent, her presence, her whole being pulls me towards her so I close the last inches between us, releasing my hands from her face. I wrap my arms around her neck and pull her tight against my body. Time stops.

Whenever I used to hug her in the past, standing up or lying next to her with my back pressed into her front I never wanted to let go, it always elicited such intensity. We had a mutual understanding that she should be the one to pull away first, she would set the pace of our passionate moments as I tried time and time again to fuse our bodies. Wanting to be as close to her as I could.

I lay my head against her neck and push my nose into her hair, smelling that sweet scent from its source. It would be so easy to place small caressing kisses on the nape of her neck. In any other circumstance I wouldn't be able to hold myself back. Maybe I shouldn't be doing this, maybe I should let her go, but I can't. It scares me that she still holds the power to make me act on my emotions instead of using my brain to make the decisions. She's like a drug to me. But as most drugs the high comes to an abrupt end. Sometimes resulting in paranoia or very dark, deep thoughts. It makes me pull away. Alex's face expresses a mix of shock, hurt and slight anger as I pull back from this intimate embrace but she respects my silent wishes. She doesn't reach out.

We are both uncertain about where this is heading. What are we supposed to do? I can't just invite her into my apartment, that wouldn't be right, I have to think about Liv. I'm still looking at Alex's face and see her lips moving, opening her mouth to speak before closing it without sharing a word. She opens her mouth a second time and the beautiful sound that is her voice rings through my ears.

"What now?"

I want to tell her that I'm as clueless as her, there isn't some written rule of what we are supposed to do. I'm not even sure if I want to be in her presence for any second longer. She confuses me, she angers me but the worst of all is that she seems as lost as I am. Her controlling self is nowhere to be found.

My eye catches the skin where her tattoos used to be. I can barely make them out, the tribal tattoo on her forearm is almost non-existent. The same counts for the flames but when I look at the rose, peeking out from underneath the sleeve of her shirt I hold back another sob. The other tattoos weren't as meaningful to me but that rose…I fell in love with it as I found myself falling in love with her. But it's almost gone. I gasp and put my hand in front of my mouth. She seems confused but as she follows my gaze she seems to be understanding my sudden shock. As if it vanished. Faded.

"I don't know."

She doesn't respond because by the time she can open her mouth footsteps are heard through the hallway and I've heard them enough to know who they belong to. Liv appears in the doorway, standing right behind Alex. In any other situation this could be described as a comic sketch but now it's an unfortunate meeting. We all stand there not knowing what to do. Switching from feet to feet trying to keep ourselves busy. But as I shift my gaze and look at Liv Alex's eyes never leave my face. Finally Liv makes a move. She walks past Alex and I into the apartment. She brushes my shoulder on her way.

"I don't really know how to do this but I figured that if you want to be alone then I will go stay with my mom for a few days until you are ready to talk. But if you want me to stay…I will." Liv stands next to me with her keys and wallet in her hand. She didn't have any time to grab them when I told her to leave.

On one hand I want to tell both of them to leave me be, but something tells me that that's not a smart move to make. I want to answer her but Alex beats me to it.

"I should probably leave you two alone." Alex turns around ready to walk away.

"No Alex, wait!" I yell after her. I turn to Liv. "Would you stay please? I want you to but can you maybe give Alex and I an hour or so."

"I won't leave. I'll be back, call me if you need anything." Liv squeezes my shoulder before she walks out but not without talking to Alex first. "Please take care of her."

"I will." Alex is now inside.

I close the door. She's standing in the living room taking in her surroundings. The silence is unbearable. "You want anything to drink."

"Uhm yeah sure Pipes."

My stomach makes a flip at her mentioning my nickname, I try to ignore it, I tuck it away in a far corner of my mind. I desperately try to supress all my feelings, it's too early to deal with them.

I walk towards the kitchen and open the fridge. "What do you want?"

"Whatever you're having." She gives me a smile.

I pull out a bottle of wine and fill two glasses, handing one to her. We keep drinking for a while, standing upright in the middle of the living room. It all feels so surreal but oh so familiar.

….

"I have to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." Piper leaves into the hallway.

I take a look around the apartment. It changed significantly. The colours are different, a mix of old and new furniture is displayed. My eye falls on the large brown leather couch, it's the same model I had been asking for but she never shared my enthusiasm. It makes me tear up to see that she bought it, as if she wanted to be close to me. Or she just figured out how right I was, it being an amazing piece.

I'm glad to see that she kept my collection of books. They look almost untouched, still in the order I left them in. I take out several books and browse through them, trying to look for evidence of me reading them a few years back. I find some notes written inside, a few bookmarks and a highlighted fragment I read to Pipes when we were in Paris. I always used to do that, mark the most beautiful fragments so she could enjoy them with me. She used to lay her head on my sternum while listening to my soothing voice. The smile on my face widens at the thought.

I put the books back into their respective place. On the top of the bookcase lays a stack of literature I bought right before I disappeared. Nothing interesting about that, except for the fact that a copy of the glasses I'm wearing lays on top of it. The glass is cracked. I reach out to touch them but get stopped by a voice behind me.

"I kept all of them, your pride and joy." Piper comes to stand next to me, portraying a big smile. "Let's go sit on the couch. I think that'll be more comfortable than standing here."

We move over. Piper takes a seat next to me but keeps her distance, her hands lay folded in her lap.

"So…" I begin but don't really know what to say.

"Yeah." She speaks in a brittle tone of voice.

"Thank you for letting me in." I figure that being polite should be the way to start this conversation. I'm glad she actually wants to talk to me. After her begging me to 'don't do this to her' I was afraid I might have ruined my one chance to get her back into my life. Still, she worries me, her reaction holds more emotion than she displays, there is more to it and I'm quite scared to find out. All my expectations are out of the door. It's all up to her. I want to know how she feels.

"You don't have to thank me Alex." Her voice is better than I imagined it, so silvery, smooth.

"I guess I just want to be friendly. I don't want you to be uncomfortable, not with me." She doesn't look at me but I refuse to look at anything but her. It's been so long and now I finally have the chance to see if my image of her still matches the person she is today. The raw expression on her face doesn't change anything about the beauty that still radiates off of her.

The length of her blonde hair is shorter than before. It falls just on top of her shoulders. As she pulls her hair out of her face, behind her ears I come face to face with the spot I used to spend hours on to pleasure her. The pulse point on her neck used to be my safe haven. Pressing feather light kisses on top of it, gently biting the skin before soothing it with my loving tongue, I imagine myself doing all sorts of things. If I had the permission I would do it repeatedly to try and make her feel better.

"That's very generous of you." There's a sarcastic undertone.

"How are you?" I try to get closer to her. Wanting her to give me something, anything.

She snaps her head in my direction, her eyes are watery but her facial expression changes, portraying anger, confusion and thousand other emotions. Reading her body language has never been my problem.

"You want to know how I am this second? Or how I was after your goddamn funeral? Or what about the time my girlfriend confessed to me that she loves me? You should be a little more specific if you want to know anything about me because guess what, you haven't been here the past two goddamn years!" She picks up her glass and swallows big gulps of wine, probably to calm herself down.

I let her vent, I was prepared for her to blame me, to scream, yell, hell she could punch me. She can do it all and I will be here to get her through it.

"Are you going to say anything or are you just going to sit there looking at my face for the remainder of this hour?" She says in an extremely harsh way. It takes me aback.

I have to do my best to back off. To not let my own anger get in the way of the space I'm trying to give her. "I just want to know how you feel now that I'm here. Of all the other questions I do want the answers but they can wait." I try to take her hands but she doesn't let me.

"You were dead for so long. I tried to reach out to you, tried to find you. My whole life was about you. I forgot myself trying to be there for you. But where were you Alex. Where were you? You left me all alone, having to deal with it myself after you promised me that it would all work out. How can I even begin to trust you? Your words? How should I?" She waits a few seconds before she resumes. "How do you expect me to be able to tell you how I feel when I'm not even sure about it myself. What do you want Alex? What did you think would happen?" When she finishes that last sentence her voice cracks. A single drop of grief wells up from the corner of her eye.

"I don't know Pipes, I don't know." I let my head fall back against the couch and place my glasses on top of my head. A solemn tear falls down my cheek. I wipe it off as quickly as I can. Heavy breathing follows as I sniffle and try to cry in silence. I don't want her to see how much her words affect me. A few times I swallow back the lump that keeps forming in the back of my throat.

"Oh Alex." Piper moves closer to me and lays her head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"It's ok Pipes. I get it." I try to get out through the tears. My voice and body shake heavily and before I know it loud sobs erupt and I can't hold myself back. Piper takes me into her arms, one arm around my shoulder. She rocks my body close to hers. Her tears meet mine as our cheeks touch. The salt liquid mingles and every drop helps the other to find its way down.

"Let it all out Alex." She keeps whispering in my ear. "Shhh…Alex…it will all be alright."

The sound of wailing and endless cries echo throughout the apartment.

The feeling of her breath against my ear feels so overwhelming that I have to close my eyes. Her voice is so full of love, compassion, understanding. This is the best thing I could have ever wished for. She's holding me close to her body. Protecting me from all the bad in the world.

As the sobs die down she releases her hold on me. She pushes her body away from me.

We take a few minutes to let ourselves calm down and to feel the tiredness take over our bodies. Piper lets out a long yawn.

I think back to Liv's words and since I'm by no means trying to get in between them I think it will be best if I take some distance from her. She seems incredibly tired so I should let her go to bed. "I think I have to go. I don't want to be here when Olivia returns." My voice is raspy from all the crying. I really don't want to leave her but it's better for everyone.

"Where will you be staying?"

"I think I'm going back to stay with my mom and start looking for an apartment. I want to be back on my feet as soon as I can you know." I give her a slight smile.

"Will you be staying in the city?" She sounds hopeful.

"Yeah, I will." She smiles at me. "Could you even picture me living in the countryside?" We share a laugh. The heaviness surrounding us resolves in the air.

"That would be a terrible sight. There would be no girls to pick up." She slaps me on my arm.

"As if that would be a problem for me." I wink at her and we share another laugh. It feels so good to act normal amongst each other, laughing at silly things, having some wine and enjoying her presence. "But seriously, I want start living again. Here in the city with you and Nichols, not too far away from my mom. She would kill me if I left her again."

"She sure would and that would leave me with the task to plan a second funeral for you. As if I don't have enough work to do." There is a glint of amusement in her eyes.

"Asshole." I say playfully.

"Liv is going to be here very soon. Not that you have to go or anything but you said, well…" She shies away.

"I did say that." I stand up and walk towards the front door. "Are you going to be ok? Do you want me to stay?"

"I'll be alright." She walks towards me and folds her arms over her body. "Will you maybe meet me for coffee in a few days? When I'm…like…ready to talk."

"I would love that. You still got the same cell number?"

"Yes."

"Well then, I will text you to set up a date. See you then Pipes."

"Until then Alex."

I don't dare to give her a kiss on her cheek before I go so I wave her goodbye. I keep looking at her face until she closes the door. I would prefer to go get a sleeping bag and a cushion so I could lay here, outside her door knowing that she's close to me.

She's finally back into my life, or so I like to believe.

I lean back against the surface of the door, giving myself a few minutes until I'm ready to walk away. If that's even possible...

 **Thanks for the wait.** **I was already planning on giving you a double update.**

 **Alex finally has some room to breathe. Piper on the other hand has to work through a whole lot of emotions and we can only hope that she will get the space that she needs.**

 **Thank you for the wonderful reviews. It always feels like such a blessing to be able to read you guys opinion and encouragement to continue this story. I love every single one of them. Have a lovely week you all and I will see you next week!**


	17. Tears and laughter

**Chapter 17: Tears and laughter**

 _She's such a goddess. Standing at the side of the ocean, letting the waves flood over the soft skin of her feet. Her skimpy red bikini barely covers the miles of skin that I get to touch whenever she lets me._

 _I hate that we don't have a lot of room in our life to act impulsive or to be spontaneous. Moments like this need to be cherished because normally, our quality time needs to be planned ahead. It frustrates me. But I don't have a choice._

 _Our fights occur more frequently. I promised Piper that I would do my best to be with her at night, to at least get into bed with her at some point. But most nights, I can't even keep that promise. I keep returning to our hotel later than anticipated and every time that happens she gets more frustrated. She's gradually losing patience._

 _I've always made it very clear to her that my job comes first, no matter what. I can't miss any calls or meetings. It's too dangerous and she knows it. I'm doing it for us. I would never forgive myself if she is threatened or finds herself in a dangerous situation. But if it does happen, I'll be the one saving her._

 _She's been asking me for days if I could clear my schedule, so I did._

 _It's a beautiful day. The sun is shining and it's incredibly hot. Normally I would stay in my room, accompanied by my knight in shining armour, the air-conditioning. But Piper wanted to spent our day at the beach. Since I don't have the capacity to be exposed to the sun for more than a second I'm laying down on a lounger. Relaxing and observing my beautiful girlfriend is a better idea than turning into a lobster._

 _Piper looks over her shoulder and flashes her seductive smile before she jumps into the salt water. Her head dips underwater. When she comes back up she throws her wet hair around and pushes it back with her hands. My god, I would be drowning if I was in there with her._

 _She takes another dive before she walks towards me. The sand sticks to her feet and drops of water run down her body._

" _Enjoying the view?"_

" _You could say that, it's such a clean beach." An amused smirk appears on my face._

" _So it doesn't have anything to do with this cute blonde in an extremely sexy and suggestive bikini?" She emphasized the last words and turns around to show of her figure._

" _Not necessarily, but it's a nice addition." I chuckle sarcastically._

 _She hovers over me. Water drops on top of my stomach. Her abs become visible and I have to hold myself back to not touch her. Such a tease._

" _It seems like I have to find someone who will appreciate the view." She gives me a wink and walks towards a bunch of guys sitting on towels a few metres from us._

 _I shoot out of my chair. When she sees that I'm tracing her footsteps she abruptly turns around and drags me towards the ocean. It only takes her a few tries before she has the upper hand of our battle and throws me into the water. When I come back up she holds out her hand and lifts me up._

" _Now we can be wet together." She licks her lips._

 _Oh god. I'm instantly aroused and want to drag her to our room to eat her alive. Instead I place my hands on her hips and pull her towards me. "Maybe you should check if I'm wet in all the right places." I put my hand on the nape of her neck and pull her face to mine. Our lips meet in a soft tender kiss. I start kissing her more roughly, tracing her bottom lip with my tongue. She laughs into my mouth but refuses to open her lips. I can't have her take control so I slowly guide my hand towards her breast. The weight falls into my hand and on reflex I start to massage the skin through the material of her bikini top. She moans and is unaware that she just opened her mouth due to my administration. I take this as my cue to push my tongue through her lips. She instantly moans into the kiss as our tongues meet. The kiss intensifies significantly as I try to get her as close as possible. The guys on the beach start whistling. I lift my hand off her breast and give them the finger, not letting go of her lips. Not even for a second. They can be jealous all they want, she's mine to love._

 _When we're both out of breath we pull apart._

" _Wow. And you said you didn't like the beach." She giggles as we walk back to our chairs._

" _Uhm Pipes, your chair not big enough?" She lays down next to me, pressing our bodies together._

" _Why would I lay on my lounger if I can lay on top of you."_

" _You make a valid point." I wink at her. She's going to be the death of me with that goofy smile on her face._

 _She blushes. "Thank you for taking me with you."_

" _I wouldn't have it any other way kid."_

" _Big bad sappy Alex." She snorts. "I kind of like it."_

 _I poke her in her side._

" _Ouch Alex, stop it!" She laughs as I continue to poke her. She puts one hand above her head to surrender. I stop tickling her and put my arm on her back holding her so she won't fall off the chair._

" _You enjoying yourself? I'm sorry about my workload." My hand is tracing circles on her back._

" _That's ok Al. I understand." She looks a little hesitant before she adds "It's your job."_

" _What did I do to deserve you kid?"_

" _I keep asking myself the same question." She lays her hand on my cheek and I lean into her touch. "Please promise me that you keep yourself safe. I've seen how you come back from meetings with Kubra. Sometimes you're so out of it. The amount of stress can't be healthy…I don't want anything happening to you."_

" _I'm doing the best I can." Our noses touch as we lay on our side, facing one another. "I heart you."_

" _I heart you too." She leans in and gives me several pecks on my lips. She's barely touches them. Her carefulness and love radiates off of her. I can never get enough. It's one of those intimate moments I wouldn't want to end. She's my partner in crime, walking through life with me._

"Are you okay?"

I open my eyes being clearly disoriented. "Yeah, I'm sorry, I got a little carried away."

If I had any tears left to spill they would be right now. Having stepped foot into our old apartment is bringing back memories that were buried under a big pile of recent traumas.

"No need to apologise. You sure you are okay? You look a little flustered."

I regain my posture and move away from the door so she can reach the handle. "I'm fine, just tired." I raise the corners of my mouth to give her a slight smile.

"Piper okay?"

Her question takes me right back to my daydream. "I think she is. I will go now. Bye Liv."

"Hey Alex." She calls after me.

"Yes?"

She looks at me hesitantly. "Uhm…If there is anything I can do for you, or something we can do for you…just let us know."

Liv would be the last person I'd ever ask for any help. To be polite I thank her and wave her goodbye before I walk down the hall towards the front of the building to make my journey into the night. It's dark outside, a light drizzle falls on my face as I look upwards.

I lift my hand to hail a cab. During the ride the driver talks about his boyfriend and their upcoming wedding. I nod and hum occasionally. I'm physically present but my head is somewhere completely different. She's keeping me hostage. Somewhere deep down, inside of me, is a growing urge to rip Piper out of Liv's hands. Piper is this incredible human being that had to suffer from an immense amount of hurt. I'm the one who can take her by the hand to lead her through her emotions, to heal her. And so, vice versa, she will heal me. I take out my phone and scroll through the contact list. I added her number as soon as I got a cell phone.

I type a full message and hit the sent button.

The driver drops me off at my mom's house. I stroll to the couch and slump down into the soft cushions of the couch. The TV springs to life. Channel after channel appears with every push of my thumb on the remote. Not one can keep me interested. I go back to the first channel and decide to watch a poker game, clutching my phone in my hand.

A few hours later, or so I think, a hand is pushing against my shoulder.

"Dear."

I stir, pull the blanket higher up and roll onto my side, pushing my face into the back of the couch.

"Alex, I think it would be wise for you to go the guestroom to sleep. It's only 6am."

A man's voice comes from the hallway. "Diane, darling, I have to go. See you tonight!"

Diane walks away but returns after the front door falls shut.

"Come on Alex, you're too old and way too tall to be sleeping on this old piece of furniture." She takes my hand and tries to drag me off the couch.

I put my feet on the ground and try to sit up straight. My back hurts like hell. Fuck. Mom hands me my glasses and I put them on my nose to get rid of the blurred vision. I pick up my phone from the ground but am disappointed when I see that there are no new messages.

"Thanks. I'm still groggy from last night." I retrieve back into the guestroom and lay down on top of the covers. I think back to Piper's hands around my body and fall back into a deep sleep.

…..

"Hey, you okay?" She asks softly. She's laying on her side, hands propped under her head.

From the second I woke up I've been laying on my back getting lost in the patterns of the paint on the ceiling. I keep scanning them, I've never really taken the time before to observe them. There is something peaceful about the way the visible stripes of the horrible painting job are making themselves known. I convinced Alex that it was a waste of money to hire a painter for something we could do ourselves. In reality I just wanted her to spent time with me in whatever way possible.

I have yet to tell Liv that I asked Alex to meet me for coffee. I was exhausted after the talk I had with Al so when Liv returned we went straight to bed. It's not like I'm afraid to tell her or anything but I know that she'll ask me if she wants me there. The thought that I have to reject her, to tell her that I want to spent time alone with my ex-girlfriend, is making me anxious. She'll probably understand but somehow I think it's going to cause a shift in our relationship. A relationship I desperately want to work. She's everything I ever wanted. She's beautiful, polite, considerate, funny and on top of that she's in love with me.

"Not really." I roll onto my side to face her.

"Wanna talk about it?" She whispers.

"I don't know." This whole situation is fucked up, it's total madness.

"You know you can tell me everything." She stretches her arm and draws circles with her thumb on the back of my hand.

"It's just…I don't know. I don't know what to think." I look at our interlinked fingers and for the first time since the beginning of our relationship it almost feels weird to lay here with her. As if something isn't right but I can't put my finger on it. "I'm sorry…I couldn't help it but…I asked her to meet me for coffee. I know I should have asked you first but she was here and then we were crying and barely talking and it's just…I want to know. I need to know why she disappeared. I need it."

"Shh Piper. It's ok, I get it. If I were you I'd want the same thing. I know that you've been breaking your head over this but it's ok, it's something you need to do on your own."

"Yes." I know I shouldn't feel this way but I start to blush and feel embarrassed.

"That's ok. Let me know when you'll see her. I'll pick you up." She leans in and kisses my cheek. "I'm going to take a shower and will bring you a cup of coffee afterwards. Relax babe, everything will work out just fine." She gives me an assuring smile before she walks into the bathroom.

…..

 _A storm is coming. The howling wind rages through the cracks in the wall of the concrete building. The first drop of rain is visible on the window, a second appears and soon the whole glass is filled with the clattering stream of water falling from the sky. The clouds are dark grey, but no matter how hard the wind tries its best, they stay right above us, not moving the slightest bit. They prohibit the sun to shine it's beams onto the earth. A loud bang echoes, a rumbling thunder permeates the air. If one counts the seconds until the lightning appears one can measure it's distance. The trees in the surrounding area rely on their roots to keep them safe as branches get torn off and leaves get picked up from the ground. The sounds of the rain and growling thunder make me melancholic. Nature can be beautiful. I'm so busy distracting myself that I forgot to listen._

" _So, what's it gonna be?"_

 _Fuck. I really don't know what he's referring to._

" _Alex! Do you need another wake-up call?"_

 _I look down at my wet clothes and am instantly reminded of the horror I just went through._

" _I don't really care." A wave of nausea hits me._

" _I think you should. Or should I remind you of your options?"_

" _Yes." I whisper, trying to keep my nausea under control._

" _Good. Plan A: I kill you, take all your wife's money and then kill her in the process."_

 _That doesn't sound like a great plan although, it's a bit alluring to be freed of this torture. But then again, I don't want Pipe, to suffer from this._

" _Or plan B: I beat you up, spread some blood on the floor and make sure that your wife thinks that you're dead. I think she'd love a visit."_

 _Something inside of me snaps. "You can do to me whatever you want but don't you dare to touch my girlfriend you ugly piece of shit." I gather some saliva in my mouth and spit it right out in his face._

 _He casually wipes it off with his sleeve, a smirk is plastered on his face._

" _Fair enough, plan B it is." He turns around and takes a suitcase from under the table. After it is opened I'm faced with all kind of weapons. A hammer, a Taser, some nails, rope, different sizes of knives and a gun. I can only hope that whatever he has planned doesn't end with me catching a bullet. Or maybe I should be hoping for that. I guess it would be less painful than receiving several blows to the head with a hammer. I gag at the thought of a crushed skull._

" _You ready sweetheart?" He walks towards me and is carrying the Taser in his hands. Soon a load of electricity flows through my body. I don't even have the time to form any tears. The pain is so incredibly intrusive._

"NOOO!"

I wake up screaming. Once again completely covered in sweat. I really have to get rid of this nasty habit.

"Alex, are you ok?" Diane comes barging into the room, totally out of breath. She must have run up the stairs.

I'm still shaking but jump out of bed, my legs can barely support the weight of my trembling body. "I'm fine. Just had this weird dream." I shrug my shoulders and try to play cool. Too bad. Mom smells bullshit like a shark smells blood but somehow she decides to not call me out on it. Worry is plastered all over her face. I hate it when she looks at me like I'm someone who needs compassion. I don't need her pity.

"Really, mom, I'm fine. I'm gonna take a shower and will see you downstairs."

She squeezes my shoulder as I walk past her. I take a short cold shower, the freezing water helps me to wake up. My teeth are shattering throughout the whole process of me drying myself off and putting on some sweats. I walk back to the guestroom and grab my phone. Still no messages. The sweaty covers on the bed are replaced by fresh, nice smelling sheets. It still surprises me how considerate she is.

"I think it's safe to say that it didn't go very well last night seeing as I had to deposit several empty bottles of beer into the bin. I know that shutting off is your thing but drowning your sorrows isn't going to help you in the long run." She glares at me as I walk into the kitchen.

"I'm fine mom." I grab the pot of the counter and pour myself a cup of coffee. I have a headache but am still craving for some caffeine. The energy boost is welcomed with open arms.

"How was it though, yesterday?" She joins me at the table.

"Good."

"Have you seen Piper?"

"Yes."

"Aren't you going to say anything more than that?"

"Mom". I whine.

"Alex." She mocks me.

I laugh at her. She winks and ruffles her hand through my hair just like she used to do decades ago when I was acting like a typical teenager.

"It was very emotional. We didn't really talk, I wasn't expecting it anyway." A brought smile appears on my face as I think back to her proposition. "She wants to have coffee in a few days."

"That's a first step. You did good kid." She gives me a warm smile.

"Thanks, I hope she still wants to see me after she's had the time to think about the whole encounter."

"Look, Alex, you know I'm always honest with you. Piper is with Liv now so please try to respect that. It doesn't take a genius to see that you love her but you have to respect her wishes. Even if it means that you have to take a step back."

A long silence follows. Anger rises. I ball my fists, releasing some unwelcomed tension. What if she never leaves Liv? What if she decides that she doesn't want me in her life anymore? My anger gets accompanied by a wave of sadness. I blink my eyes a few times, pushing away the nearing flood of tears.

"I love her so fucking much." I can still hear her pleading me to leave. I'll never be able to forget her shrill when she experienced such a life changing moment. Mom doesn't need to know what exactly happened last night. If I tell her how Piper and I were sitting down on the floor, each on our own side of the door, she'll see how much it still affects me. It's something I want to avoid. This whole Alex-Piper-Liv triangle is already hard and confusing enough.

"I know dear." Mom squeezes my hand like she's done so many times since my return. "I know."

I was about to ask her about Piper's relationship with Liv when my phone vibrates in my pocket.

 **[Piper]:** Hi Alex, sorry I'm late with answering your text. I hope you had a good night's rest.

I smile at the screen and type as fast as I can. I picture her in her robe, laying on her bed being as elegant as a Roman woman.

 **[Alex]:** I slept great, you?

 **[Piper]:** Not well, but I'll be fine. Liv's making me coffee.

The mention of Liv and coffee triggers something. I don't want to wait and decide to take my chance, totally forgetting my mom's speech about respect and Piper's boundaries.

 **[Alex]:** When can you meet me for coffee?

Maybe I'm too eager and shouldn't be pushing her. The bold move she made way back when I was still involved with Sylvie pushes me to be the hunter now. It's my time to catch her and the problem with me is, when I want something I do everything to get it. It's both a curse and a blessing.

 **[Piper]:** Well someone's eager. What about Thursday? One o'clock at the best coffee place in town?

 **[Alex]:** You know I can't say no to that offer. See you then Pipes :-)

Mission accomplished. I shove my phone back into my pocket and am relieved off a fuck load of tension.

…..

A few days have passed. Mom has been bothering me with thousands of questions on how it's possible for me to have the money to rent an apartment and buy an expensive car. I decided it's best for her to be left in the dark. It's none of her business. What she doesn't know can't hurt right? Besides, she'll call me nuts if I tell her that my abduction had a positive side, I've gained a shit ton of money of which I shouldn't be ashamed to spent a little. Audi has always been my favourite brand so it wasn't even a question of which car I would buy. I've always loved the danger that comes with speeding down a highway. Maybe one day I'll even get myself a motorbike. Who knows.

I've found an apartment that met all my demands. It's on the top floor of the building and has a spacious kitchen and living room, it's an open floor plan. It also has an office space, a guestroom, two bathrooms and a bedroom. It's rather large, just how I like it. I've been locked into a cage for so long that it's time for me to feel free. I'm in dire need of a place where I'm able to breathe. It's a shame how small places can turn me into a panicking mess these days. The former resident has already moved out so as soon as I pick up the key I can fill my days shopping for furniture. I want it to feel like I've been living there for years. I want it to feel like the apartment I used to share with Piper, home.

Now that I think about her, where the hell is she? She's already running late and this is only our first get together. I'm already in the diner she picked out. Back in the days we came here to have breakfast.

Suddenly my phone buzzes.

 **[Piper]:** Sorry, on my way. New York traffic…

I chuckle.

 **[Alex]:** What a shame, your margarita is getting cold

 **[Piper]:** I thought we were having coffee Alex. Don't you remember how I'm such a lightweight?

As if I could forget kid, I think to myself.

 **[Alex]:** I thought suggesting coffee was you subtly asking me to get wasted. Getting drunk could be interesting you know ;-)

 **[Piper]:** I want us to talk Alex, drinking will get us nowhere.

 **[Alex]:** Your loss, I'll drink it myself.

 **[Piper]:** Don't you fucking dare to touch it!

 **[Alex]:** That wasn't so hard was it? ;-)

…

When she walks in I'm blown away. Her white blouse is tucked into her light blue jeans. I look her up and down, observing the length of her endless legs. She's mesmerizing.

I took a seat in the far back so there's less chance of people overhearing the awaited conversation.

I wave my hand to call her over. She catches my eye and walks towards me with confident steps.

"I already ordered a cappuccino, your favourite. Don't worry, it's organic milk. I wouldn't want you to feel guilty over a cup of coffee." I wink.

Her cheeks get covered in a deep red colour. "Fuck you!" She says playfully and fills the place opposite of me.

"Gladly." I throw back. It always used to be so easy to just banter and flirt with her. I guess old habits die hard.

"Alex…" She shifts in her seat.

"Sorry." I say rather quickly still being amused of the slip of my tongue.

A heavy silence falls upon us and I'm glad the waitress comes over to give Piper her cappuccino. I hand over my empty cup and ask for another black cup of coffee. The waitress comes back and when I'm sure we won't get interrupted I try to pick up a conversation not knowing where or how to begin. "So…"

"Yeah…" She tries. Her body language betrays her. She may have walked in looking confident and all but it's clear she's finding this just as hard and uncomfortable as me. Our words remind me of the start of our first conversation, it started of the same way.

"I've found an apartment." That should be a rather safe way to start.

"That's great!" She looks down to her hands. She hasn't touched her coffee yet, being busy fidgeting with her hands. Normally she'd pick up the conversation and start rambling or asking me questions about decorations, paint colours or the moving process in general. I'm sure this won't be happening today.

"Look, I know this isn't easy but I think it's important that we try to talk about things. You must have a fuck load of questions so please, just ask." I take a sip of my coffee to forget the nerves that were clearly evident in my voice.

"Just ask? What the fuck Alex. You know what I don't get? You sitting here acting casually wanting to talk about you stupid ass apartment. So please, let me tell you how it was for me when suddenly you decided that you were going to fix everything on your own, cause it's clear to me that you have no idea of how much of a lying manipulative bitch you are." She cuts right to the chase forgetting my earlier attempt to start off on a lighter tone. She's hurt, her voice is loud and I'm afraid this will end in a screaming match.

"Lying manipulative bitch huh. Care to explain oh mighty princess?" My sarcasm hits a nerve. If she's aloud to act out on her emotions it's my damn right to do the same.

"You lied to me when you told me you wouldn't go. Don't you dare to blame me for thinking that you left deliberately." She spats.

"I told you I had to do it on my own. You wouldn't listen. You probably made up this whole story in your head. But guess what Chapman, get your facts straight cause I didn't leave you. I sent you that letter for Christ's sake. Maybe you've gotten rid of that to keep up your sad little story, who knows." It's not my intention to hurt her but she's making it impossible not to. I need to protect myself because if she keeps pushing me god knows what'll happen.

"What do you want me to say? Congratulations for sending me a piece of correspondence? Let me paraphrase a piece of that letter for you _'I love you and we'll see each other again. Soon. Real soon.'_ If this is soon I don't know in what sort of crazy time zone you are living in but it certainly isn't mine!" Her anger is rising.

"Yeah well, shit happens you park slope narcissist!" I blurt out and immediately regret it.

She snorts. "Oh as if calling me names is going to help us."

"You started." Another childish remark. Great way to make yourself loved again Vause.

"You know what, maybe this was a bad idea." She gestures between us and stands up.

"You're not leaving, don't you fucking dare." I rise to my feet.

It becomes dead silent. We are both here with the right intentions but somehow we can't get ourselves to overlook our own hurt. I really wanted this to start of differently. There's still time to fix this. It's just that I'm not sure she wants this as much as I do. Cause at the end of the day she's got someone to return to, she doesn't need me as her friend. She's got her whole life figured out and after all, I'm just an ex-girlfriend. Somewhere in the back of my mind I'm starting to doubt her initial love for me. If I was the love of her life how come she hasn't ended her relationship with Liv and came running back to me. It's a complete selfish and unfair thought but still, it's there. I always thought we were inevitable.

The silence is becoming too much and we both sit back down. She's not facing me and I start to laugh.

"Isn't this bringing back memories?" I say as the laughter dies down.

"You mean being here with you, in the diner?" Her voice is softer than ever, all the anger disappeared and traded it's place with a familiar warmth.

"We used to come here a lot." I take a look around the place but my eyes land back on her face. She's staring at me and I'm dying to find out what's going through that brain of hers. "You remember that one time you fought with our waitress cause she served you inorganic milk. You stood up and did a whole speech on how it's better for animal welfare." Piper laughs and I join in.

"God, I hope that isn't your most memorable action of me." She smiles.

"It's not my favourite but it's definitely up there. "I wink at her and slowly reach out. My thumb brushes the palm of her hand. For a second she lets me comfort her but then she pulls her hand back.

"I walked through NY trying to find you in the midst of the mass. I used to do it every single day. And then the funeral happened and I felt lost. At first I didn't believe them but after a while I needed it to be true." Finally. We can start to unwind this complex plot.

I gulp. The pain she suffered is evident in those ocean blue eyes as she continues to talk. It's the first time I'm seeing the real impact my disappearance had on her. Her emotions are so raw that they reach my heart and it's almost as if she rips it out of my chest.

"I closed the bookstore cause there was no way I wouldn't be spending all my time and effort into finding you." She pauses. "But there came a time that I had to move on. I hoped that with me letting you go, somehow, you were freed from whatever situation you had found yourself in. Maybe it doesn't make any sense now but it did at the time." Her eyes plead me to answer her.

"It's ok kid. You did the right thing." I smile but I'm sure it doesn't reach my eyes. A heavy load of sadness is swallowing me whole as I listen to her. It's quite scary for me to feel my mood changing with the snap of a finger.

"If I kept denying your death I wouldn't be able to go on. I had to let you go. And then Liv came in the picture. I met her in the bookstore. She asked me out. It took me a long time to trust her. I was so scared that she'd leave me cause I was in a really bad place Alex. I had to learn everything for the second time. I had to learn how to breathe and live just to get through the day." She takes a sip from her coffee before she continues. "She helped me you know, she told me I should take all the time I need and that she'd wait for me. And as it turned out, she did. She did wait and gave me distance when I needed it. I'm certain she'll never leave me."

She waits for me to say something but I don't. The only thing I know is to make some sarcastic comment on how lucky she was to have Liv while I was rotting away. I hold myself back and decide to keep quite instead. I don't want to upset her again.

"You may think she's a bad person but she did accept the fact that you would always be a part of my life. The first few weeks of our relationship there was still a big painting of you and I hanging on the wall. She didn't say a thing about it, she understood my need. That's how amazing of a person she is."

If I didn't have any words before her speech on Liv I sure don't have any afterwards. Between the lines she's making it very clear that she won't be leaving Liv anytime soon. My whole purpose of being here needs to be reconsidered. Suddenly I'm not interested in talking to her about myself anymore.

I'm zoning out on her. She keeps telling me about Liv but I don't hear any word. There's a light tremor running through my hand and my breathing is picking up speed. Piper doesn't seem to catch it so she continues.

"Can I ask you a question Alex?"

I hear her question loud and clear. I'm sure my voice would be trembling if I spoke out so I just nod my head in response. I know what this means. This has happened to me before, I'm entering a dark alleyway, panic is rising.

"You don't need to tell me anything but there is one thing I need to know…Did you get hurt?" She's looking at me with her angel eyes. She's so caught up in her own emotions that she doesn't seem to recognise the symptoms of my rising panic attack.

I try to compose myself as best as I can. I was expecting her to ask me what happened and my reply would be very simple, I was kidnapped. Instead she's asking the one question I dread the most. Her eyes get watery as I don't respond. She's probably thinking that something terrible happened to me and she's feeling sorry. The last thing I want from Piper is for her to feel sorry. She doesn't need to know how much I suffered, it will only make her life harder. She could use it to blame herself and I don't want that for her. I don't deserve her.

"No, I didn't get hurt." I whisper, hoping she won't catch my cracking voice. I lay my trembling hands in my lap hoping she can't see them.

She sighs a breathe of relief. It's like she's a whole other person, being freed of an enormous weight that was brought onto her shoulders. It's kind of ironic how she's being freed of a burden as I'm sitting opposite of her trying to get through my panic.

We continue to make small talk and I try to keep my speaking to a minimum. At one point Liv comes to pick Piper up and we decide to keep in touch.

When I'm walking towards Nicky's apartment to spent the evening I make up my mind. It's time for me to slowly build my own life. I now have an apartment, a car and enough money to do what I want. It's time I start to think of myself and to supress every emotion and horrible thought. It's not worth it to go through it all again. Not without her.

 **I'm sorry it took me so long to update, something happened in my personal life and I had to delay the update. I hope this one makes up for it.**

 **I really hope that I'm doing a good job in showing the struggles that both Alex and Piper are going through. Alex is slowly spiralling down, reliving her trauma's in her dreams. She's doing her best though but we can only hope that it's enough to keep her on her two feet.**

 **Thank you so much for all your reviews and lovely words, I'll see you next week.**


	18. Reaching out

**A/N : I think it's necessary that I say a few words before we delve into this part. Last chapter Alex had her long awaiting talk with Piper. This chapter starts off with the same conversation but this time written from Piper's POV. I hope it's not too confusing or too repetitive. That being said, I'll leave you to it.**

 **Chapter 18: Reaching out**

I'm extremely nervous to meet Alex for coffee. It was my own idea but still, it scares me. I'm already a bit late so I sent her a quick text indicating that I'm going to be there as soon as possible.

When I arrive she's already seated in a booth in the far back. It brings back so many memories of the breakfasts we shared here together. Most of the time we came here after a particularly long night of shared passion. This place acted as our gas station to refuel our energy, sometimes the energy intake resulted in another round of pleasure. Whenever that happened I wouldn't be complaining one bit.

Alex being Alex waves me over with a big smile on her face. In all those years we've been together I've become an expert in reading her facial expressions. All those hidden messages behind the big smiles, the raised eyebrows and smirks have become clear to me. It's like she's covered in cryptic code and I've learned how to decipher her.

My stomach flutters when she tells me that she's already ordered my favourite drink. The familiar tone of her voice, teasing me, makes me blush and I'm sure she can tell the effect she has on me. I throw a quick 'Fuck you' in the air but she's fast to come up with some insinuating answer. This time it makes me slightly uncomfortable so I'm glad when she apologises through her amusement stricken face.

She used to wrap me around her fingers with her intelligent talks about books, philosophers and sometimes politics. Alex wasn't one to study the details of our democratic system but she sure wanted to keep herself up to date on the topic. Having a conversation was always so easy.

That's why it's so weird to me to be sitting here with her not knowing what to say or where to start. It's a godsend when the waitress comes over to hand me my cappuccino, it breaks the tension. She returns a second time after she refilled Alex's cup and when she leaves Alex tries to pick up a conversation. I'm so not used to us being awkward.

Alex hesitates before she mentions her moving into an apartment.

"That's great!" It's a full on sarcastic comment from my side. It doesn't even have the chance to come off as somewhat sincere. I'm kind of ashamed of my reaction so I just look at my hands and try to keep myself busy. She's staring at me but I don't dare to say a word. I'm too afraid I'll lash out and say stupid things due to my explosive emotions and sickening foot in mouth disease.

When she says the following words I can't help but feel betrayed and being lied to.

"Look, I know this isn't easy but I think it's important that we try to talk about things. You must have a fuck load of questions so please, just ask." It's the way she says it. As if she wants me to call her out on her ridiculous choice of words.

"Just ask? What the fuck Alex. You know what I don't get? You sitting here acting casually wanting to talk about your stupid ass apartment. So please, let me tell you how it was for me when suddenly you decided that you were going to fix everything on your own, cause it's clear to me that you have no idea of how much of a lying manipulative bitch you are." I respond in a way I know I just ruined the whole purpose of us being here. I'm feeling something so hard to describe, it's something I've never felt before. Utter rage, such a deep emotion that's breaking out of its cage. I'm not ready to talk about her moving on. I can't do this…I just…I can't pretend that everything is fine and that we'll both move on.

"Lying manipulative bitch huh. Care to explain oh mighty princess?" Now she's the one using her sarcasm. I've definitely learned that trade from the best. The smirk on her face tells me that she's waiting for an answer.

"You lied to me when you told me you wouldn't go. Don't you dare to blame me for thinking that you left deliberately." I blurt out but immediately regret it. What is that saying again? We hurt the people we love… or used to love.

In response she accuses me of being a selfish person who keeps up a story to have a reason to be sad and depressed but what hurts me the most is that she would even think that I could get rid of that letter. I've hold on to that piece of her for so long until the point it became hard to read her letters. The amount of tears I shed whilst reading resulted in blurred ink. I'd rather have her slap me in the face than questioning my love for her cause if she had seen the state I was in before Liv came in the picture she would have seen that loving her was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. Her doubt angers me so once again I respond in a total unnecessary harsh way.

"What do you want me to say? Congratulations for sending me a piece of correspondence? Let me paraphrase a piece of that letter for you _'I love you and we'll see each other again. Soon. Real soon.'_ If this is soon I don't know in what sort of crazy time zone you are living in but it certainly isn't mine!"

Alex scolds and it's not like I can blame her but it's not enough for me to stop. We keep bickering. At some point I decide that it's enough and that we won't get anywhere. This isn't considered a constructive conversation. It's leading us nowhere but driving an even bigger wedge between us.

"You know what, maybe this was a bad idea." I gesture between her and me and stand up.

I don't have the time to turn around before she orders me to stay.

We both sit back down. Silence overshadows our table. We are surrounded by several couples that are enjoying themselves with each other's company. I listen in on their conversation. Their care and consideration for one another makes my heart sink. How did we get to this point? Oh dear Alex… My eyes sting but I push back the tears and hope that she didn't catch them.

Alex's infectious laugh brings me back to our table.

"Isn't this bringing back memories?" For a second I get lost in the sound of her husky voice. After all this time she's still able to make me feel a thousand things at a time.

I smile. "You mean being here with you, in the diner?"

Alex's joke about the waitress and inorganic milk makes me laugh with her. She used to tease me endlessly and here she is, once again trying to make me blush by the memory. It's heart-warming to see her trying to lift the mood through a way only she knows how to.

I feel her touch on my hand and let it linger for a bit. I get carried away by the circles her thumb are drawing on the palm of my hand. This simple gesture feels so intimate that I have to pull away. It's comforting but it's not her place.

I'm feeling comfortable enough to start talking. I'm still hurt by her words. The only way I can get through to her that I actually gave up my life as soon as she left is by telling the truth. By the looks on her face I think she's ready to hear it.

"I walked through NY trying to find you in the midst of the mass. I used to do it every single day. And then the funeral happened and I felt lost. At first I didn't believe them but after a while I needed it to be true." I continue my story and she gives me space, not interrupting me until I look at her and almost plead her to answer me. It's always very important to me to know how Alex sees me, what she thinks of me. Her opinion and perception hasn't become less meaningful because of what happened. I will always crave her approval.

"It's ok kid. You did the right thing." Alex smiles but it doesn't reach her eyes. She's hurting.

I contemplate whether it's a good idea to talk about Liv. I by no means wish to hurt Alex but on the other side, I'm not going to pretend that Liv didn't have an influence in my recovery.

"If I kept denying your death I wouldn't be able to go on. I had to let you go. And then Liv came in the picture. I met her in the bookstore. She asked me out. It took me a long time to trust her. I was so scared that she'd leave me cause I was in a really bad place Alex. I had to learn everything for the second time. I had to learn how to breathe and live just to get through the day."

I need Alex to know that I didn't replace her. That I wasn't looking for someone new. It happened so sudden, so unexpected.

Alex doesn't respond. I don't want us to stop talking or to end our conversation at this point, I'm not ready to leave. My nerves take over and I start to ramble.

"Liv has been really kind to me. She never pressured me into talking about you or anything. And when I did, she never had anything but respect. Sometimes it almost feels too good to be true but she's a really nice person. I hope you can grow to like her because you deserve to have wonderful people in your life." My nerves are slightly decreasing. "I never believed them in the first place you know…when they told me you were dead. And it's not like I desperately didn't want it to be true, which was also the case, it's just that I knew that some things didn't add up. So when they told me there wasn't a body it was like a big red flag to me. I started to doubt the investigators to a point where I thought I was going crazy. Not that any of my words can be of any comfort to you but I just thought…maybe…I don't know. It's just that…"

I want to know if it is true. I need to know if the broken glasses where a true sign or if it was inflicted on purpose. I need to know if it wasn't all a set up. "Can I ask you a question Alex?" She doesn't respond right away. It's hard to make out what she's thinking. Her hands are below the surface of the table, if she were nervous she'd probably run them through her hair. Since she's not acting on her nervous habits I take it as a sign that she's doing better than I thought she would but still, I'm not stupid enough to not see the hurt in her eyes.

Alex nods her head.

"You don't need to tell me anything but there is one thing I need to know…Did you get hurt?" It's not like I don't trust the investigators or anything but seeing parts of the drug business back in the day it wouldn't be the first time evidence was falsified. Drug lords and police investigators can be as close to being enemies as they can to being friends. And it's not only that. In order for it to be true I need her to say it. I need her to tell me she got hurt cause otherwise I don't think my brain will be able to finally process all the fucked up scenario's that I've made up. I think it's fair to say that I still don't know anything for sure. But if I want it to, it has to come from her cause I've never even for a second thought she wasn't speaking the truth. Yes she withheld information on more than one occasion but that doesn't matter anymore, she holds all the pieces of the puzzle.

I'm still waiting for her to answer as my brain keeps thinking and thinking.

"No, I didn't get hurt."

…

Liv and I are walking on the pavement. It's only now when we are out of Alex's sight that I dare to take her hand. I could see that the whole talking thing asked a lot from Alex and I don't want to cause her any more distress.

After Liv walked in she kept Alex busy for a few minutes. I used that time to send Nicky a quick text saying that I went to see Alex. I haven't even spoken to her since the whole breakdown in my apartment happened but I trust her and want her to pick up the pieces of Alex that I left the moment I walked out the door. It's not like I suddenly don't care about her anymore but it's too much for me to be the person to help her. I do believe that even if I want to, I'm not the right person to actually do it. She needs someone who loves her and can accompany her on this long emotional path towards recovery. Seeing how trying to talk to her about trauma pushes her back into her shell I'm too afraid to even try and take her hand. It would turn me into an emotional mess. I'm just too invested, I'm too much of a part of this as she is. My own hurt is the last thing she needs right now, it's just after my second outburst and the expression it put on her face that I realised it.

When Alex gives you the right to get to know her there isn't an individual who won't be able to see how unbelievably incredible but at the same time dangerous she can be. She hits you like a wave, crashing you down but covering you in an instant. Once she covers you with her ever existing love she won't retract without a reason. She isn't one to back down from horrible or seemingly impossible situations and that's exactly why I can't be there in the way she needs me to. I'm too scared, that's why I demanded her to leave the cartel in the first place.

Now that everything I feared for so long has become reality and she's looking so lost like a deer in the woods it's like I can't breathe and have to run. I can't fully commit to being there for her. There are too many unpredictable factors in my life that drive me to take this decision.

We have never been friends you know, not even for a second. She loved me and I loved her. It was as simple as that. It's like that saying that states that everything in the universe only exists because it is in relationship to something else.

Alex used to be my universe. She deserves the world. Alex deserves so much. So much better.

A warm breeze hits my face and the last beams of the sun shine on my face making my blonde hair reflect in the light. I take one last look behind me before we round the corner. Once I do I linger there for a second. Alex walks out of the diner and heads in the opposite direction of me.

Liv doesn't seem to pick up why I decided to stand still. She squeezes my hand and we keep walking in silence until we reach my building. I lead her up to my apartment. Once we are inside I throw my arms around Liv's neck and pull her body against mine. Her muscles relax under my touch and I inhale the scent of her hair as I lay my chin on top of her shoulder.

"She's fine." I whisper in her ear knowing full well that this sudden confession is anything but true. It's just that I need it to be.

…

"Are you drunk Piper? Cause you sure sound like a lunatic." Polly's voice is full of disbelief.

"Seriously Pol, I don't know what the fuck is going on. One second Alex is dead and I have a new girlfriend and the next she's standing in my doorway. It's still hard to wrap my head around it but I'm doing the best I can."

Liv left to pick up some food and to grab a six pack of beer on her way back. I desperately need some stability so the only consistent factor in my live that I can count on nowadays is my best friend. She's been here since the start of my tumultuous relationship with Alex. She's seen me on my best and worst days so I'm comfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings with her although she can be a bitch from time to time. But I guess that's what friends are for.

"So you're saying that Alex has risen? You sure you're not hallucinating."

"It's like a fucking joke isn't it. I finally dare to say that I'm happy with Liv and now my ex-girlfriend is back to haunt me. Now I get it when people say that love is complicated." I let out a nervous laugh as I'm walking up and down the living room.

"How are you feeling?"

"Good actually."

"Pipe, you kidding me right? You telling me you're good is as fake as you're mom saying she approves of your lesbian relationships."

"Dad is actually trying to get mom on board. As if that could ever work out as long as she drinks herself into oblivion." I snort.

"That wasn't the point. Tell me. How is it to see Alex again?"

"How am I supposed to answer that. I know that I loved Alex in the past and I'm sure I still do on some kind of level but I don't intend on reliving those feelings. I'm with Liv now and I really do like her."

"Is this your way of saying that you still love her?"

"Polly…"

"Seriously Pipe, I'm not judging. I'm just saying that if you still have feelings for her that you should think about how you are going to deal with it now that you're with Liv. Liv is too good of a person to be led on like that, it wouldn't be fair and I know that you know that to."

"I want this relationship to work."

"Then I think it would be wise of you to keep your distance. Like you said, you can support her but you can't be her person anymore. She has to make her own life now."

"I know."

"Fuck, Pete's here, I have to go. See you next week okay, you stupid lesbian!"

"You spoiled bitch!" I snicker as I put my phone in my pocket.

…

Liv has returned with a bag full of food and as promised she brought me beer.

"You are welcome love." I'm seated at the table. Liv drops the bags on top and places a kiss on the crown of my head. She takes a seat opposite of me. I open the bags and start placing the food on our plates. As I continue my actions I feel her staring at me.

"You okay?" She finally asks.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" This damn question keeps chasing me around. I've heard it over a hundred times now.

"You are acting weird." She states, a smile covers her face.

It's dead silent for a second before I drop the spoon I was using to serve the food and stand up. The screeching sound of the chair fills the room. I walk up to her in a hurried yet careful manner and stop right in front of her. Liv pulls her chair back from the table but stays seated. I take the cue and place myself in her lap, our faces are inches apart. I feel her breath on my face.

"You are nothing but good to me. Holding my hand when I need it. You listen whenever, even in the middle of the night. You let me cry, you make me laugh, you make me feel things." I take her hand and place it on my stomach. My hand still covers hers. "You. You are almost too good to be true. Honestly, I don't know what I did to deserve you because anyone who would be in your situation would have left by now so I admire you. It can't be easy for you to see me reconnect with…" I take a deep breath before continuing. "I guess what I'm trying to say is…Thank you. Thank you for being such a patient, respectful and wonderful person. Thank you for being here, for being my friend."

Liv draws a deep, shuddering breath and places feather light touches on my stomach with her hand. I lift my own hand off of hers and grab her head. I pull her forwards and brush my lips against hers. She moves both hands to my back and softly kneads the skin until she's just above the waistband of my jeans. I give her silent permission so she moves further south. She caresses the skin of my ass through the blue material. I pull away from the heated kiss. My forehead touches hers.

"Are you sure?" She whispers.

I smile seductively and give her a quick peck on her lips. "Yes." And as I give her this audible permission it's like I'm cut loose from a robe I didn't know I was attached to. It's time to let go.

She picks me up and carries me towards the bedroom. Her love radiates off of her and I'm sure that soon I'll be able to give it back. Soon. Real soon.

 **A/N:**

 **I had this ready since my last upload (I wrote the two POV's at the same time) but have been in doubt about posting this chapter for forever. It's wasn't my intention to make it seem as if Piper was the bad guy here. She also has her (sometimes horrible) way of showing how she feels about Alex. I really hope that posting this chapter clears some things up and that it was the right decision to post it.**

 **Somebody mentioned that it's ridiculous for Piper to ask Alex if she's been hurt because 'Piper already knows the answer'. I just want to say that I hope that this chapter gave you some kind of insight in Piper's intentions and feelings when asking this question. There isn't more that I can do to try and explain where she's coming from through the story. But if it's still unclear I can explain it at the end of the next chapter.**

 **I hope you all have a lovely week. -Alex**


	19. People who cannot speak

**Chapter 19** : **People who cannot speak**

"Ugh Fuck…"

Her groans were getting louder and more frequent. My left arm is feeling numb as I try my best to keep her up against the wall. My right hand is tucked under the waistband of her panties trying to continue its purpose to push her over the edge. I've been out of the game for quite a while but my nerves flew out of the door in an instant. Sex has always been my way of escaping. I love to make other people feel good and to hear that repetitive screaming of my name. The look on their face when they reach that spectacular peak is as equally satisfying as someone who brings me to a climax.

It started off with her approaching me on the dance floor with me being surrounded by my new friends. My hips were swaying and my arms were up in the air. The amount of alcohol I ingested and the loud music ringing in my ears made it impossible for me to understand her. She came up to me and hung her arm over my shoulder. She introduced herself very briefly and whispered something in my ear. After she threw her leg over my hip and started grinding against my crotch I filled in the blanks of her missing words. When I returned the favour by rolling my hips against hers the seductive smile on her face grew wider. She grabbed my hand and we ignored the stares of my friends as she drug me towards the bathrooms. It all began with a heated kiss. I wasn't exactly planning to go any further but soon all boundaries were gone. I got a taste for it as soon as my tongue entered the warm cavity of her mouth welcoming me with all its grace and moisture.

Her blouse rips and she brings my hands up to her breasts. It has been so long since I've touched someone so intimately. My urge and longing is growing every second. I was a little hesitant to engage in any sexual activity after I returned because there was still a sliver of hope left that Piper would take me back. But fuck Piper. She has made a decision and therefore has her own girl to fuck. It's only fair that I'm on the hunt to find my own. After all, we all have this deep desire to touch and to be touched. We're human.

"Mmmh Alex…"

Her moaning brings me back to our current position. My fingers are buried deep inside her and she seems to appreciate my effort. I'm glad my talent isn't going to waste. I bring my face closer to hers and kiss her fiercely. She opens her mouth every two seconds to let out a groan but every time I shut her up by shoving my tongue in her mouth. It only takes her another couple of thrusts before she comes all over my fingers. Her eyes are shut and her head thrown back against the wall. She's trembling on her legs, her whole body shudders as the waves keep taking over her body.

"Wow, you're as good as you look." She's still breathing heavily.

"I've been told." I smirk.

Our lips meet again. I pull out my fingers, wipe them off on my jeans and place one final kiss on her lips before I turn around and walk out of the stall. I know it's not the most polite thing to do after fucking someone but I'm by no means in the mood to engage in some kind of pillow talk. Let alone her trying to fuck me. That, for sure, isn't going happen. Especially not in the back of a night club.

I take long strides and make my way over to my friends. I've met them only a few days ago. I was kind of tired to be drinking inside the confines of my apartment so I walked out in search of a place to party. First I met Amber, a twenty-five year old woman who works for a law firm. She introduced me to Cristal who is twenty-seven and to several other girls in their twenties. I always happen to be surrounded by younger girls. Luckily the age gab never seems to bother them, it's my experienced fingers and mouth they are interested in.

I consume three other drinks before I call it a night. Tomorrow I want to continue decorating my apartment and a major hangover won't do the trick. I close my tab, say goodbye to my friends and try to walk as straight as I can out of the club. My head is fuzzy but it's the good kind.

I'm glad I finally felt like I'm alive, even if it was only for a second.

…

"Yo Vause! I know you're dying to see my ugly ass face so why don't you open up the door of that fancy ass apartment of yours and let me in will ya!"

I chuckle lightly and walk up to the front door.

The past 2 weeks I spent my time searching the internet for some masterpieces to put in my apartment. Today isn't any different, waking up I dealt with my headache but as soon as it subsided I took out my laptop. So far I've found a large wooden vintage desk and 2 bookcases that seem to have enough space to restart my collection. I've been contemplating calling Piper to ask her if it's possible for me to retrieve some of my old stuff such as books and pictures but I'm holding myself back. I think it's best for me to take my distance. It's hard enough to stop thinking about her, visiting her won't do me any good at the moment.

My apartment is almost finished besides a few minor pieces of furniture such as an additional couch, a lamp and a small table. I want everything to be perfect for my fresh start. Money is no problem, I got plenty, so I can do and buy whatever I want.

I had bought a king-size bed but after two horrible nights I decided to throw it out and I immediately bought another one. This bed seems to be just fine, I've been sleeping slightly better.

"To what do I owe the pleasure?" I say as I open the door.

"Sadly for you the pleasure I deliver only goes to Lorna these days." Nicky struggles to walk in carrying several bags.

"What's that all about?" I point towards the clear white bags.

"Well, let me tell ya Vause, this here is what we call ingredients. Normally it's used to make some sort of dish but if you must insist I can just go back to the store and ask for a refund." Nicky walks straight to the kitchen and unloads the bags on top of my counter.

"Ha ha Nichols." I mock.

"What's up with you? Ain't you at least a bit happy to see me? Or are you in a mood cause Piper isn't giving you any?" Nicky throws me her wicked smile.

"Oh shut up, that's not funny." I say jokingly and walk up to her to take a look at the vegetables she brought with her.

"Oh but it is." Nicky's tongue peeks through her lips, supporting her amused expression. "But really, what's been going on? I haven't seen you in a while and I thought I was very specific about not wanting you to close yourself off from the rest of us suckers."

I have to admit that I have been ignoring her and mom in order to get my head together. After my encounter with Piper in the coffee shop I felt completely and utterly destroyed. On some level I hoped she would see through me. I wanted her to break the wall that's slowly starting to build itself around me. So it happened that I needed some time to clear my head and to keep myself busy. I still don't have the need to talk to anyone so my current tactic of ignoring Nicky and mom is working out for me. Besides, not engaging in any conversation with them has helped me, I haven't had a single panic attack in days. Even that night where I went out and that creep went after me and that woman, Rose I think her name was. We were making out when that guy decided it was a good idea to stay and watch. I dragged her out of there and we continued to fool around. Some boob touching and tangled tongues were involved but no further actions had taken place up until yesterday evening when that cute blonde came up to me on the dance floor.

"What? Cat got your tongue?"

"Don't you ever get tired of telling the same stupid jokes over and over again?" I ask her.

"Touché Vause, touché." Nicky takes out a pack of spaghetti and drops the bags in a corner. "You know what, I'm gonna put these groceries in your fridge and we'll order in. I'm too tired to cook anyways." Nicky opens the fridge and starts to put the vegetables, meat and tomato sauce inside.

"Don't you need to spent the night with Lorna or something?"

"Lorna's out of town with her crazy niece so it's just you and me tonight." She winks.

"Sounds like _so_ much fun." I mock. Nicky grabs a rag and throws it at me.

After the pizza was delivered and a few ounces of beer entered our bodies we decided to play poker. I've always been good at it and actually can't wait to find out if I'm still able to outplay Nichols like back in the days.

Five rounds in and Nicky has already lost half of her money.

"So not fair! You've probably spent the past two years turning yourself into a total pro. There is no way you were this good."

"Maybe you lost your touch Nichols." I divide the cards for a new round.

"Wouldn't you like to know misses know it all."

We play for another hour before we get bored. At least that's what Nicky tells me when she just lost, again.

"Do you have plans for tomorrow?" She asks out of the blue as I'm putting away the cards and poker chips.

"No, just the same old. I'll probably continue to look for some furniture to decorate the apartment."

"Good. I'll see you at seven." Nicky stands up and walks towards the front door.

"Seven? Isn't that a bit early to go to a bar?" I walk behind her and am genuinely confused.

"Seven a.m. you smartass." She smirks and pushes down the handle of the door.

"You kidding me right?"

"Wanna bet?" Nicky walks into the hallway. "You better be ready to stretch your legs cause we're going away for the day. Make sure to wear something comfortable. Some tight leggings and appropriate footwear will do the job."

"Appropriate? How am I supposed to know what to wear if I don't even know what we're going to be doing."

"Sorry, can't hear you. See you tomorrow Vause!" Nicky says as she walks out without looking back.

What the actual fuck. I had plans to go the club, Amber asked me to join her over the course of the evening. Drinking and kissing beautiful women seems to act as a natural anti-depressant and I'm craving my medicine.

…..

"Vause open up!"

 _Fuucckk_ I haven't slept a wink last night so it's no surprise that I can actually hear her yelling and knocking on my door. Nicky really wasn't kidding when she said she'd be here early. She's right on time which is a first considering she's always late.

I've only had about three hours of sleep because I engaged in another wild night with lots of beautiful women. I ended up fucking the same girl from the night before, she kept begging me to. I shared a bottle of champagne with her and when I felt dizzy enough I was up to the task. I'm not one to deny someone else the pleasure of release. She's amazingly attractive anyways so I would be fucking stupid to disappoint her. When she was able to support herself back onto her two feet she started fumbling with my belt but I took her hands off of me. I'm still not ready to give myself to someone else, the act of fucking a girl is satisfyingly enough for now.

"Fuck off Nichols." I'm sure she can't hear me. I drag myself out of bed and put on a shirt. I take my sunglasses off the dresser and put them on my nose to shield myself from the light. I know I look awful but there's no time to make myself more presentable. I walk up the front door and turn the lock.

"I know I told you to get ready for some action but please, put on some pants." Nicky laughs while she enters. "Nice panties by the way. Looks cute on you."

"Oh shush, I was just under the shower and had to quickly cover myself up." I shrug her off.

"Your hair is dry. And btw what's up with the glasses?" She smirks.

I let out laugh. "Just make yourself comfortable while I clean myself up will ya."

I walk back into my bedroom, gather some clothes I consider to be sportive and walk to the bathroom to take a nice long shower.

After thirty minutes I re-enter the living room. I've put on some sweatpants, a dark v neck shirt and a hoody to keep myself warm. Still, I chose to do a quick make over to get rid of the bags under my eyes and to apply my signature eyeliner and red lipstick. Also a quick side note, aspirin is currently saving my life.

"You ready to go?"

"Let's get on the road!" Nicky yells and I curse at her for her loud interruption that makes my head pounding again.

We walk out to her car, buckle our safety belts and drive off.

…..

"Since when do you crave other kinds of physical activity than fucking Lorna?"

We drove an hour and a half. I quickly guessed that she was taking me into the woods which felt like a real bummer to Nicky because she wanted to surprise me. Sadly for her, I haven't lost an ounce of my intelligence.

"I'm doing you a favour here, I wouldn't want you to get out of shape when you get back in the saddle." Nicky wiggles her fingers in front of my face.

I let out a laugh. "Typing on a computer would be way more effective to improve my skills than walking up a mountain don't you think?" I'm making a knot in the shoelaces of the hiking boots Nicky handed me after we parked the car. I don't dare to ask why she even owns a pair of these, let alone two pairs seeing she's wearing the same ones.

"Maybe there's a surprise waiting on you at the top." She throws a backpack over her shoulder and walks up to the beginning of the trail. I follow behind and stop to take a look at the trailhead kiosk.

"Yeah, like what? A line of fuckable girls I get to choose from?" The look on Nicky's face tells me that my sarcastic comment is not well received.

"Ok, I get it. You think it's a stupid idea. But please, don't come complaining to me when your stamina treads you badly." Nicky walks off onto the trail.

What Nicky doesn't need to know is that my stamina has already been put to the test for two nights in a row. I can proudly say that it passed well over the acceptable number.

I groan because of the killer hangover but make the effort to walk up to Nicky. We keep walking in total silence. I thought I would never say it but I kind of like the outdoors. The fresh morning breeze , the chirping birds and the sounds of a nearby creek bring back memories of me and Nichols when we were kids. We used to sneak off from the school ground to smoke weed and to look at suggestive pictures in magazines. That was one hell of a time.

…..

"I sure hope there's a fuckload of beer inside of that big bag of yours." I'm out of breath. We've just walked up an elevated piece of the trail. I take a sip of Nicky's water bottle cause I'm not stupid, I know it's important to stay hydrated.

"Still whining, you are worse than Lorna when she's trying to get me to watch some of those chick flicks of hers. You know she talked me into watching The Notebook. Can you believe it?" Nicky is also out of breath and stops to take a pause.

"Damn, what did she use to convince you?"

In front of me Nicky turns to look at me, probably to react with some kind of sarcastic comment, but she slips in the process and falls. To break the fall she slams her knee into a rock and groans. "Motherfucker!"

"Looks like you need the exercise more than me." I snicker. Nicky grabs my extended hand and I pull her back onto her feet. There's a hole in her pants and it looks like there's a gap in her knee.

"Fuck you Vause." Nicky takes the first aid kid out of her backpack and starts to dress the wound. "Shit, it's bleeding."

Once I see the blood a shiver runs through me. A slight tremor runs through my hand and I tuck it inside of my pants to cover it up. The signs are always the same. It begins with me sweating profusely until my hand starts to shake. Bile rises in my throat but I push it back. I'm doing my best to not lose my shit. To keep myself busy I look away from Nicky and start to count the trees in front of me. It's fucking stupid but it kind of works and I start to calm down. Normally I would open up a bottle or two to let the panic subside but out here in the woods that sadly isn't an option.

"You okay there Vause? You look a little pale." Nicky's voice cuts through my trance.

I turn around and face her. The tremor has stopped so I pull out my hand. "Yeah yeah, I'm fine."

"Keep telling yourself that." Nicky mumbles loud enough for me to hear. She stands up from the rock she sat on and we can our walk.

Eventually we reach the top of the mountain. There are a few other hikers seated on the spot but I couldn't care less. The view is mesmerizing, so serene, beautiful. I would probably shed a tear or two if I were up here by myself. I've read it can be very therapeutic to be surrounded by such beauty.

"Look at this view." Nicky says as she takes a stand at the edge.

"Almost as good as the afterglow of a decent fuck." I say as I stand next to her.

"I like that dirty mind of yours." She nudges her shoulder against mine.

I take in the view even more. At a given moment I stick out my hand and point towards a spot in the distance whilst laughing. "Look at that mountain a little to the left. It's the representation of one of those erect nippled perky tits."

Nicky laughs with me. "Why is sex always the only thing on your mind? Pervert."

The laughter gradually dies down until its silent. Nicky's gaze is fixed on our surroundings.

"You know Vause, I've really fucking missed you." She says completely out of nowhere.

"I love you too Nichols." I say playfully.

"No seriously, it was so fucking hard trying to let you go. You're my best friend you know. I was so fucking lost, not being able to call you, to see you at work or to walk in on you and Chapman while doing the dirty. I've missed it all man." After her somewhat emotional speech Nicky turns to look at me.

I breathe in. "Yeah…I'm pretty sure that won't be happening anymore." I fix my gaze towards the ground feeling slightly uncomfortable.

"You and Chapman on good terms?" Nicky tries to catch my gaze but I keep avoiding her.

"Yeah we are." I take in another breath before I turn to look at her. "So, you finally gonna tell me what content that bag holds?"

"Well, since it isn't an option to order pizza out here I decided to bring us some sandwiches." Nicky opens her bag and pulls out several aluminium packages. "I got ham and cheese, salmon and chicken. Any preference?"

"Look at you all culinary and shit." I laugh at Nicky's consideration to bring several options. I must have been waiting too long to answer cause Nicky throws a random package at me. When I unwrap it the smell of chicken floats in the air. "Mmm…That smells delicious. When did you have the time to make this?"

"That's for me to know and for you to find out." She winks. "Everything for you my love."

We eat our sandwiches in silence not wanting to disturb the peace and quiet of our surroundings. Besides, we've been bickering a great deal of our hike so I welcome the sounds of nature. The inner peace the calmness of the mountains lays upon me is incredible. Being here in the mere presence of this exquisite landscape and Nichols is quite overwhelming. I used to think that nothing could compare to the beaches I got to rediscover in Cambodia but just being here makes those memories go away. It's the simplicity of nature that draws me to it. The tingling feeling of the fresh breeze that makes my hair stick out in all directions is so much better than the warm, sticky, salty southern wind.

"You know, Alex, I'm anything but a cliché type of person but if there's any time to discover that pathetic inner me it has to be now."

I spit out the water I was drinking only a second ago. "What?" I say being clearly amused.

"It's like the missing puzzle piece is back in its place. Yes, the cardboard is battered and the colours aren't as vibrant but truthfully, I couldn't give a flying shit. Just the presence of my best fucking friend is enough for me. I couldn't be any happier. I fucking love you."

Since when did Nichols become such a sap. Still, her speech makes me tear up a little. She turns her face and looks at me, probably to try and read my emotions. A lone tear falls from the corner of her eye.

"I'm so fucking sorry. For everything. Not only the disappearing part but just all of it. I thought that by taking control I could protect you and so when Diane came up with the plan I thought it was a brilliant idea. I'm not trying to put the blame on her in any way it's just that I want you to know that I thought it would play out differently. And I'm sorry for that."

I swing my arm over her shoulder and pull her towards me. Our shoulders touch. "It's okay you crazy fucker. I fucking love you and I get it. I might have been a little angry at first but I know mom and you were just trying to look out for me. It's okay. It kind of worked out so it didn't go south all the way." I release my hold on her. "What do you say, shall we go back to the car?"

"I'd rather ask you a question first." Nicky and I stare at each other.

"Ask away." I say hesitantly.

"Well, I know that asking how you are is fucking stupid but I just want you to know that I'm here for you. So what I'd like to know is if you have the feeling that you can come to me for help. I don't know if you're doing it to protect yourself or someone else but I think it would be good for you to at least talk to someone. I'm worried about you Vause." Nicky has tried to talk to me on several other occasions but every time she asks something I start beating around the bush.

"I'm okay, really, I've been feeling much better. And I know that you're only a phone call away. But don't tempt me, I might actually use it."

"Good. So now that that's off the table, shall we?"

…..

"Fuck man, I haven't had this much exercise in ages."

The descend took us longer than we initially thought it would but it was as equally enjoyable as the ascend. I'm still stunned every time I look at the scenery.

"You better re-energise yourself cause this day isn't over just yet. I might have mentioned to Diane that we would be driving past her house so she invited us over for dinner. Are you up to that?"

"Moms food tastes like heaven so fuck yeah!" I untie my shoelaces and pull off the boots. I throw them in the back of the car but it's of no use. In no time a disgusting smell fills up the confines of the car.

"Jesus fucking Christ! Vause! Did you pick up a dead animal on the way or something?"

I pinch my nose and try to keep my laughter inside. "Still better than your morning breath." I joke.

We keep bickering back and forth but at some point exhaustion takes over and I fall asleep along the way to moms house. Once Nicky has parked the car she nudges my shoulder to wake me up. I slowly open my eyes and readjust my glasses.

"We're here stretch." Nicky steps out of the car and walks over to open my door. "After you my lady dearest."

I grin and step out on my socks. I retrieve my sneakers out of the car and put them on. We walk up to the front of the house but I don't even get to chance to knock on the door.

"There you girls are. Fuck Alex, you look exhausted." Mom says looking rather amused.

Nicky hugs Diane and soon walks off towards the kitchen.

"Let me take a look at you Alex. Are you eating enough? You look a little thin. Lucky for you I spent the whole day cooking for you two. I thought you would need it after your big adventure." Mom hugs me before she walks me over to the kitchen table.

I greet Robert before taking a seat. Nicky has already filled her plate. No one seems to be bothered by it. We all know that Nichols and manners weren't invented at the same time.

Once everyone is seated and we have all started eating Robert asks me a question.

"So Alex, how have you been doing? We haven't seen you in a while."

"Yeah well, I've been busy furnishing the apartment. It's starting to look like my old place. I'm really happy to have something to call my own." I smile.

"We are all happy to see you're doing better." Robert says.

Mom glares at me but I decide to ignore it.

"Is there any beer or wine?" I've been craving it all day.

"I'm sorry dear, I forgot to buy it along with that Swiss cheese you like. I knew I was forgetting something when I stood in the store today." Mom gives me a sympathetic smile.

I can't help but wonder if she is leading me on to think that she doesn't have any alcohol in her house. She could be denying me the substance on purpose but since she's my mom I give her the benefit of the doubt. Anyways, it wouldn't be the first time she forgets something for me.

Dinner went by pretty quickly. The food was delicious and I was glad that after Robert's question no one touched the topic of me and my life. I think they all got the message that I'm doing just fine.

Nicky and Robert are currently doing the dishes. When I try to ask them if I can help Mom comes up to me and asks me to join her in the back.

"You want one?" She holds out a pack of cigarettes.

"Weren't you quitting?" I raise my eyebrow.

"Oh just shut up and take one Vause."

I laugh at her as she mentions our shared last name. I'm not used to it, normally it's only Nichols who calls people by their surname. I take a cigarette and welcome the dark grey puffs coming out of my mouth. Nicotine always seems to calm my nerves.

"I'm sorry for not calling." I begin. My voice is soft. I know she brought me out here for a purpose so I might as well just rip of the bandage.

"It's okay Alex." She takes a pause. "I know you need some time but I hope that you'll eventually come to me. I hate to see you like this. Have you considered talking to a therapist?"

I laugh at her ridiculous question. I can't fucking believe her. "A therapist? How's that supposed to help. Excuse me mister, I'm a fuck up, can you please fix me up? Maybe untie a screw or two and I'll be as good as new." I push my glasses up onto my head. The sarcasm is dripping off of me.

"I think you should consider it. I know there is so much going on in that brain of yours and I sure hope that you aren't dealing with it in a bad way. So yes, Alex, I'd like you to think about it. You know you can always talk to me but since you decide to shut yourself off I can't help but think that it'd be a good idea." Worried doesn't come near to describe the look on her face. There's sadness in her eyes and I know that she's really just trying to look after me. She's my mom after all.

"Look, I did as you asked. We did the whole Liv thing and it didn't work out. I wanted to give you and Nicky a fair chance, I tried to rely on you two. I'm not saying that it's your fault or anything but I'm now at a point where Piper and I are communicating and I want to keep it that way. I don't need someone's help with that." I pick the ashtray off the ground and stump the cigarette butt inside.

"Have you thought about taking care of yourself? You're so busy with Piper and everyone else's feeling that you are forgetting the most important person here." Mom points her finger at me and touches my chest with it. Right above my heart. "You deserve all the help you can get Alex. It's not like I'm going to force you to talk, you're a grown up now, but just know that we all need a little help once in a while."

"I don't need it." I'm being stubborn but it's all I can do to defend myself in this rather vulnerable situation. I'm not a dumbass, I know I'm not doing too good. I'm convinced that there isn't anyone that can help me. Since my job in the cartel I've learned that problems are yours to deal with. Only when you have tried everything yourself it is appropriate to ask for help.

"You might need it more than you realise." Mom throws her arms around me and I welcome her. The feeling I get of her hands while she rubs circles on my back soothes me. We stand there for several minutes. I've missed her so fucking much and it's scary to say that she might be the only thing that's keeping me together in this moment. If I lose my grip, even for a second, I'm sure I that I'm going to fall. And when I do fall, my eyes will close and a darkness will surround me. One that makes me consider why I'm alive and breathing.

…..

After Nicky dropped me in front of my building and drove off I went up to my apartment and changed my clothes. During our drive Amber texted me to ask if I was up for another night at the club. Maybe it would be better for me to stay in but what is life if you can't have any fun huh? I've been dying for a distraction after my talk with mom.

My feet are killing me from today's walk but I bite through the pain and walk through the doors of the club. I've only been here a couple of times but the bouncer already seems to know me. It's nice to rebuild some kind of social circle. My former friends and co-workers in some way are all related to the cartel, but those days are over and the familiar faces have faded. Never once since my return have I walked in on someone from the past other than my close friends.

When I enter the building I can already spot Amber and Cristal on the dance floor. The blonde I fucked is nowhere to be seen and I feel quite relieved. I don't want her to get attached to me, I'm only looking for a quick fuck here and there to relieve me of some tension and to fulfil a burning desire.

Amber also spots me and walks up to me. "Hey Alex, you have a lot to catch up with! We already did three rounds of shotsss." Amber's words are slightly slurred. I think it's cute. She's one of those girls that just don't give a fuck. She just want to have a good time.

"Oh yeah, is that so." I place one hand on her shoulder and the other around her right hand which is holding a drink. I don't bother to ask what it is. I lift her hand with mine on top and bring the glass to my lips. It takes me two large gulps before her drink is empty. Cristal walks up to us and starts laughing along with Amber.

I wipe my lips with the back of my hand and place the glass on top of the bar. "Let's dance."

Amber takes my hands and drags me towards a group of girls. We keep dancing until deep in the night. At one point the music gets louder and louder. More people join us and several girls surround me. Some of them try to touch me by placing their hands on my hips or around my neck. One girl literally throws herself at me and presses her lips against mine. I wasn't expecting it and due to the alcohol consummation I don't have the energy or coordination to push her away. When she feels that I'm not responding she pulls back, flashes me a wide smile and continues to dance.

It's all so fun and innocent. I'm feeling good and really am enjoying myself. I sway my hips to the rhythm of the music and get carried away. All my worries are out of the window. Or at least I thought so cause when it happens... it comes up to me by surprise. It's like I'm being chased by a big set of hands. My heart starts pounding, a burning sensation grows in my chest and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I'm in fierce pain and it scares the hell out of me.

What's happening?

My hands start shaking uncontrollably and my legs feel as if they will give up on me. My throat feels constricted, I'm choking. Sweat trickles down the side of my face. The world starts to spin around me and my vision becomes blurred. I try to count the people around me but it's of no use. I can't focus on anything, intrusive thoughts take me over. It feels like I'm dying.

"Alex are you alright?"

Do you know that sound when someone tries to talk to you while your head is under water? That's just how it is for me right now. I can't comprehend a single word someone is saying to me. I can make out a figure and a bush full of red hair. It's definitely Amber.

She takes me by the wrist and drags me out of the crowd. The beats of the music follow us until we are out on the street. Cristal rushed after us and she's also witnessing me hyperventilating.

"Alex breathe." Amber tries to console me so she lays her hand on my back. Just like mom she draws circles.

It's just now that we are out on the street, surrounded by darkness that I realise what is about to happen. But I don't want it. I don't fucking want it but still it happens. The dam breaks, the gates open and soon a flood of tears stream down my face. The tears burn the underlying skin. My body hands over its control after a violent shake and I fall. Amber tries to lift me off the ground but I don't have an ounce of energy left. It feels like it's over. The monster inside of me is breaking out, it's all crumbling down. But most of all, after one more blink, one more breath, one more look at the world it all goes black because I, Alex Vause, have jumped off the cliff. And it's by no means my own fault.

 **A/N**

 **It's me again. I found that it was appropriate to update a second time this week. Thank you for all your kind reviews. I let out a big breath after reading that last chapter was appreciated. So thank you and I hope that you all have a wonderful week.**


	20. Full circle

**Chapter 20: Full circle**

To exist has many different definitions. It's the fact or state of living, having an objective reality. It's a continued survival, a way of living. It's all that exists. Everything.

And yet it feels as if I'm not alive. Because I fear what I know. It's like everything speeds up, everyone keeps moving, step by step. But I, I slow down, get knocked of my feet and am under the power of some stranger's hand that keeps pushing the reset button. The fear is so widespread that I'm stuck in between a state where my desperation for life kicks in all the while death crawls upon me.

So, if I can just awaken from this state of mind maybe I can start to see that all the worries and anger inflicting thoughts are all there to point me towards the path of recovery. But as we all know, sometimes we make the deliberate choice to swirl in a pool of illusion. It's easier to suppress, to act as a stranger in the world instead of acknowledging what's right in front of us. To address what's eating us alive.

What I keep asking myself is how many times a white light can lure a person into its trap before it finally decides to swallow it whole. I really must stop making this journey without reaching its destination. Somewhere along the lines I became convinced that the almighty must be pissed off at me. Because what other explanation is there to not let me die, time after time, after I fall into that black pit.

Not determining my faith might be his or her way of telling me that I'm the one who's in control. I'm the one who can define the end. So, once again I ask myself, when do people decide that it's enough? That they can't do it anymore? That all the effort they put into becoming who they are isn't paying off. When do you have the right to say _I quit_?

…

The buzzing noise that's been ringing in my ears is quickly fading. Soon I hear a scream, and someone calling my name.

"Alex! Can you hear me?" It's Amber, I recognize her voice immediately. She sounds scared, her voice is shaky. I'm glad I'm not able to open my eyes because I'm not sure if I could handle the look on her face. Or maybe it's because it isn't _her_ face I so desperately need to see.

I groan and try to sit back up, but it doesn't work. My eyes open for a split second before they fall shut again. Amber is sitting on her heels, holding my head against my sternum trying to prevent me from choking as I'm dry heaving. Luckily nothing comes out.

"We should call an ambulance, she's not reacting to anything." This time Cristal speaks.

"No, you shouldn't." I mumble. It's barely audible.

"Alex, dear god you're responding." Amber says.

I swallow and open my eyes completely. I'm glad it's still night so there aren't a whole lot of people around. We're still in front of the club but no one seems to be concerned enough to ask if Amber or Cristal need any help to take care of the drunk, cheap ass woman laying on the ground aka a pathetic version of myself.

"Could you help me up please?" I turn so my front is facing the pavement. I place my hands on the ground and try to push myself to a standing position, but it doesn't have it's wished effect. It's like all my muscles have lost their strength. There isn't an ounce of ATP left to assist the myosine heads to get my muscles to work. Props to my biology classes to make me remember why my muscles ain't working at the moment. Or maybe it's because of the shock my body is still recovering from that my muscles resist to work.

"Alex, I think it's best that you lay down. We don't know if you're hurt by the fall so maybe it's best if we call an ambulance." Amber says. Her hand lays on my cheek, she looks me in the eye as she speaks to me. I lean into her warm, comforting touch. Her touch is almost as soothing and light as Piper's touch was. _I should really stop comparing everyone to her._

"I'm fine, I just need you to help me up. We can take a cab to my apartment. It isn't too far from here. Would you do that?" I plead. Cristal seems to leave us alone. She keeps her distance as I speak to Amber once again.

Amber hesitates but gives in at the end. "Yeah, I can do that. Cristal can you please call a taxi."

They both help me up. It takes a while for the cab to come but Amber has her arm around my shoulder and it seems to do the job of supporting my weak body. I'm still extremely nauseas and hope I won't vomit once we are in the cab.

After a while the cab arrives, and I give my address. Amber assures Cristal that she can help me on her own so Cristal stays behind. When we arrive, Amber helps me to walk up to the building and soon we enter the confines of my new home.

"If it weren't for you almost dying tonight I would have asked you to give me a tour. This place is gigantic." Amber helps me to lay down on the couch.

I nod my head but have no energy left to shoot back a sarcastic comment. "Could you give me a beer please? It's in the fridge. I'm really fucking warm and need a refreshment." I point towards the kitchen with my eyes closed. I wait until she returns to open them again.

"I'm pretty sure I don't keep any see-through alcohol in my fridge." I'm getting angry, I fucking need it to calm my nervous. Otherwise, I can't be responsible for my actions. It's not like I'm going to physically hurt someone, it's just that I'm scared that a second panic attack is around the corner. I know Amber is trying to look out for me but denying me the liquid gold is like refusing to give a depressive person his/her anti-depressants. We all need something to function properly.

"Yeah well, this is all you're gonna get. You fainted Alex, I'm sure you shouldn't be drinking again." Amber sets down the glass of water on the table in front of the couch. "You can either take this or drown in your sorrows." She says rather dramatically.

 _I've been drowning since day one._ I think to myself. _Since the day I landed at JFK I've done nothing but sink. But just like every ocean works, the deeper you go the more pressure builds up._

"I'm going to try and sleep." I turn to my side and snuggle into the couch. Tears are forming, and I don't want her to see me in this vulnerable state. No one is aloud to see me like this.

"Are you sure I shouldn't call anyone?" Amber strokes the hair out of my face.

"I'm fine, it's nothing a few hours of sleep can't fix. You should go home." I whisper. I enjoy the feeling of her hand as she touches my face.

"Your forehead is really warm. If you're still this hot in the morning I'm calling an ambulance. I'm not leaving you." I'm sure she's smiling but I can't see her.

"If you're waiting on me to stop being hot you'll have to wait 'till I'm actually dead." I snicker, joking helps me to push away the surfacing emotions. Amber chuckles but keeps rubbing the skin of my cheek. I'm not sure if I was totally present I would have objected the way her hand is touching me. It's so innocent but still feels like the most intimate touch in the world.

I wasn't expecting it, but I can feel my body relaxing as I slumber into a very deep welcomed sleep. It's becoming too normal for me to be swallowed by the dark.

…

I wake up to the sound of whispers. I open my eyes very carefully and try to make out my surroundings. For a split second I forgot where I was but now it all starts to come back.

It's always the penetrating smell of sweat or the sight of blood that throws me off. Just the sight of the red liquid or the harsh odor hanging in the air makes my stomach turn and my hand trembling. Somehow it takes me back into that room. The place where I had to trade in my life for an experience I wasn't ready for. It was between those four walls that I had to let go of love. It's that memory that keeps eating at me. It makes my body go stiff, my hands will tremble and ever so slowly I start to walk down an unknown and unwelcome road.

"Ok, see you in a bit." Her voice seems to be far away. She's probably standing in the kitchen.

A wave builds up in my stomach ready to explode. "Amber?" I groan.

"You're awake." It only takes her a second to stand by my side.

My breathing picks up and sweat rolls down my forehead. "I'm gonna throw up."

"Shit!" She spurts away.

"Buckets are in the-" I get overwhelmed by a rush of heat and throw my legs off the edge of the couch. "Amber!" I say as loud as I can being in this unpredictable state.

"Coming!" She yells back. She returns with a bucket and is just in time. My stomach empties and it hurts like hell. My throat burns. It feels like I'm throwing up all the emotions I was keeping in.

"Alex." Amber whispers and takes a seat next to me on the couch. She holds my hair back. Soon the dry heaving stops but a loud strangled sob escapes. Tears prick my eyes and I'm doing everything I can to hold them back. My jaw tightens, I swallow excessively and put my hands over my eyes to push back the tears. But they roll down, freely. They take over my body accompanied by another sob that came from deep down. Shame creeps upon me and I push Amber back. These scenario's scare me to death, she doesn't know me and I don't know a single thing about her. I want to scream at her to leave. I want her to go and never return.

"Alex, it's ok." She whispers. "I know what you are going through."

She must have guessed how I'm feeling but I know for sure that she has no idea how I feel like. I don't bother to respond.

"The number of Nicky was on a post-it on your fridge. I don't know if it's ok, but I called her. You mentioned her a few times, saying she is your best friend. I'm sorry but I didn't know what to do, I'm worried."

"You called?" Now I'm sure I should scream at her, but I don't have the heart to actually do it. This girl has seen me breakdown two times already on the same night. She helped me, it wouldn't be fair to rage at her. She has nothing to do with all of this.

A knock on the door has Amber on her feet in seconds.

"I'm Amber, I called you."

"Thanks for calling sexy pants but I can take it from here." The intruder barges in.

"Can you please call me tomorrow? I want to know if she's ok."

"Yeah I'll do that." The door falls shut and there is only one pair of footsteps nearing me.

"Alex?" Nicky tries. The raspiness of her voice betrays the lack of sleep she must be experiencing.

My sobs resurface, and I cry my heart out. Nichols tries to comfort me as best as she can. In all those years she's never seen me like this. I've always had to strength to keep up my appearance but right now I can't.

"Shit Vause."

We sit in silence for half an hour. My sobs die down eventually, and I can finally get my body to relax enough to reach for the glass on the table. I breathe in very deeply, all the crying exhausted me to no end.

"What time is it?" My eyes are burning so I take of my glasses and lay them next to me. I wipe away all the traces of the fallen tears.

"Almost six a.m." Nicky's still seated next to me. "Look Alex, I… I don't really know how to do this. I've never seen you cry like this. But I'm glad you're finally letting it all out. A girl can only hold back so much."

I chuckle. "I'm a fucking mess." I start to laugh feeling like a pathetic person. "I think I'm having a nervous breakdown."

"Nothing better then losing it." Nicky joins in my soft, miserable laughter. We look like we just smoked crack, sitting and joking around about my pathetic ass life.

"Seriously Vause, do you wanna talk about it?" Nicky's expression turns back to being serious and worried.

"Not really…"

"You know what, I really need to go back to work. Since you technically still own the place you should join me today. I could really use your help."

"It's not mine anymore Nicky."

"Fuck yeah, it is. The place holds every ounce of love you posses."

"Yeah right. And what would we do with customers that we're told that I died? Tell them I was on an extended vacation enjoying exotic women?" I comment sarcastically.

"I'll figure that out. No need to worry about that. I think you ain't gonna sleep much anymore so maybe take a shower, get rid of the awful smell and then we'll go grab breakfast." Nicky picks up the bucket next to the couch. "In the meantime, I will get rid of those bodily fluids of yours. What the hell did you drink? You never throw up. You losing your strength Vause?" Nicky laughs and walks away with the bucket in hand.

I stand up and stretch my back. It's fucking killing me, the bit of sleep I got laying down didn't do me any good. I take small steps and walk towards the bedroom to get ready. It's not like I have anything else to do. Might as well make Nicky's day miserable with my lovely presence.

…

"Open sesame." Nicky pulls the lock off VAA and let's me walk in. It hasn't changed since the last time I've been here.

"You're such a dork sometimes." She walks past me and leads me to my former office. She opens the door and I can't help but be dumbfounded by the fact that everything is left untouched. "Are you sure you took over my business? It looks like no one has been here in ages." I walk up to the desk and glance at a picture of Piper that's neatly tucked into a frame. I swipe my finger over the surface and soon discover a layer of dust on top of my skin.

"Yeah well, couldn't work in an office where I knew you and Chapman did the nasty. I wouldn't touch that desk with a ten-foot pole."

"Then you may need to replace your own desk as well." I wink at her.

Nicky's jaw hits the floor. "Fuck Vause, that's just cruel!"

It's quiet for a while as I try to take everything in. It's like I'm catapulted back in time.

"You ok there?" Nicky walks up to me. Her hand coms to rest on top of my shoulder, it's a light touch. Almost not noticeable.

"Yes." I don't know what it is but the way she looks at me makes me regret my lie instantly. Maybe it's better to stop pretending. And by the looks of it, I don't think she buys my _I'm fine_ anymore. My head keeps spinning as I try to decide which calculated step I should take next. But somehow being back here seems like the circle is round. I can't lie anymore. It's like the truth is desperate to come out."No." I blurt out. So much for being cautious.

"No." I try again with a steadier voice. "I'm not." I'm not feeling as relieved as I thought I would but at least I took a first step, right?

Nicky doesn't respond verbally. She squeezes my shoulder to encourage me to go on. I think she's as scared of this as I am, but I trust her. I trust her not to leave.

"It's like I can't breathe." My voice shakes. "It's like… I think I finally realise that I have to do it on my own."

"Listen Vause that's – "

"No Nicky." I cut her off. I'm afraid that if she talks that I won't have the courage to continue after. "I'm not ready to talk about it, it's not like I don't want to it's just…I don't know how. I'm so used to dealing with shit on my own that I don't know how to share this piece of me. Probably cause I'm scared to death to admit it but…I just want you to know that what you saw this morning, it wasn't the first time. And I can honestly tell you that if it weren't for Amber being there I don't know what would have happened."

"You are having panic attacks, right?" Nicky moves her hand from my shoulder to my forearm. She looks me in the eyes and I know that she needs me to answer honestly. No more bullshit. That has been our friendship rule since day one and I already broke a million times.

I swallow my pride as best as I can. "Yes."

Nicky envelops me into a full hug and rubs circles on my back. "It will be okay sister." After a while Nicky loosens her hold and we both let out a breath. The look in her eyes tells me everything I need to know, she's proud of me.

"So, Amber huh?" She smirks to lighten the mood.

I chuckle. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You never let a girl spent the night." Nicky wiggles her eyebrows. "So, what did you do? Rejoined the soft ball league?"

I laugh at her stupid joke and remain silent. "Didn't you come here to do work? I'm sure you don't get paid money to play therapist here."

"We can always find another way to pay me." Nicky winks and walks me out of the office. "You wanna give me a hand with the orders?"

…

"Jesus we've been working for hours, non-stop."

"You're kidding right?" Nicky informed me about a pissed off client. I had to negotiate a new contract and have been busy resolving the problem the whole morning. "What time is it Vause?"

I look at my phone and see a message from Amber. "Uhm almost one p.m." I unlock the screen and open the text.

 **[Amber]** :Hey Alex, how are you feeling? I just wanted to check if you need anything.

A smile spreads across my face. It's kind of new for me to experience a situation where a girl is this sweet to me.

"What are you smiling at?"

"Nothing." I put my phone away and make a mental note to text her back later.

"Did you hear anything I said?"

"Not really." I say rather amused.

"Fuck you Vause. Anyway, Chapman has been bugging me with phone calls all week, so I asked her to join me for lunch. You wanna come?" Nicky throws on her jacket. She opens the front door, keys and wallet in hand.

"Nah I'm good. Still need to finish that contract for mister know it all. God, I hate such assholes."

"At least you can complain to me about it. I had to call Blondie every time I needed to vent about those jerks. Anyway, I'll bring something back for you, I won't let you starve yourself." Nicky waves and walks out.

"Goodbye honey!" I yell after her. Nicky turns around for a second and gives me the finger.

I sit back down in the chair in front of the computer and throw my legs on top of the desk. My phone buzzes against my leg.

 **[Mom]:** Hey dear, wanna come over for dinner tomorrow? Making lasagna. I have something to tell you.

I quickly reply.

 **[Alex]:** You really do know how to trick me into something. Everything okay?

 **[Mom]:** Yeah don't worry. Around seven?

 **[Alex]:** See you then!

Before I have the time to put my phone down another text comes in.

 **[Amber]** : I think I forgot my wallet at your apartment, can I come pick it up?

 **[Alex]:** I'm doing slightly better. Not at home atm but you can come by in the evening.

 **[Amber]** : Glad you're feeling better. See you then!

I lay my phone down and get back to work. It feels good to work on something, to have a goal. It gives me purpose.

…

"Hello?" A voice fills the room.

I've been so caught up with work that I didn't hear the door opening or closing. Luckily, I don't need to look up to know who's voice it is.

"Pipes?" I stand up from behind the desk and walk in her direction.

She's holding a package and hands it over. "Nicky asked me to bring you fuel. Seems like you still have the habit to forget to eat." She smiles, probably thinking back to the memories of us sharing multiple lunches in the back. "It's grilled cheese."

"How thoughtful of you." I briefly touch her shoulder. "You sure know how to please a woman."

Piper shifts her gaze to the floor but it's not enough to cover the blush that's spreading on her face.

"Have you already moved to your new apartment?" She asks changing the subject.

"Any interest to share a room?" Maybe I should stop teasing but the expressions on her face are priceless and are too rewarding.

"No." She snorts. "I was just asking because I still have some stuff from you and I thought that maybe you'd like to get it back."

On some level my heart warms to her consideration but another part gets stabbed because getting my stuff means that the possibility of us getting back together is non-existent. "Yeah, I was planning on asking you to come and retrieve my stuff."

"You could come by tonight to pick it up. If you don't have anything else planned of course."

Wow, she really wants my stuff to be gone as soon as possible. "No, tonight is fine."

"Alright. Oh, before I go, Nicky asked me to tell you that she won't return. There was an emergency with Lorna, she needs to drive her to her sister or something. She wasn't really specific, anyways, she wants you to lock up today and apparently you know where the spare keys are. I'm not sure I should say this, but she orders you to not go out tonight or she threatened she'd call hot pants. Whoever that's supposed to be, she wouldn't tell me. Not that it's any of my business. I just thought I should ask to be polite but maybe it's a bit stalkerish. I don't know – "

"Relax Piper." I laugh. I'm enjoying her ramble more than I should. "I will lock up and then come to you." For a second I forgot that Nicky drove me to VAA. "Shit."

"What?"

"Can you pick me up after you're done? Nicky drove me here and my car is still in the parking lot of my apartment block."

Piper shifts on her feet and looks a bit nervous. "Yeah, sure, I can do that. I was going to close the shop a little early today because I've been working too much this week. I'll be here at five."

"Great. Thanks."

"See you later, Alex." She hesitates so I give her a quick hug and walk back to my workplace. Once I hear the front door closing a heavy breath escapes through my lips.

A few hours later, as promised, Piper re-enters VAA to give me a lift.

We are currently seated in her car listening to the radio. Piper is driving and humming away to the lyrics of the popular pop song.

"Have you thought about the stuff you want to retrieve?" She asks suddenly.

"Yeah, if it's ok with you I'd like to take the books I bought in my youth and the ones mom gave to me. The other ones I'll buy again myself. Wouldn't want to leave you with empty shelves."

"Most of the books are yours, you can take them if you want. How is your mom doing by the way?" She turns her head to look at me for a second before she shifts her focus back on the road.

"No, it's okay, you can keep them. She's fine I guess, I haven't seen her in two weeks, but she asked me to join her for dinner tomorrow. Said she has something to tell me, you don't happen to know anything about it right?"

"No, I've talked to her on the phone a few times, but I haven't seen her in person in a while. Either way, she didn't mention anything ground-breaking."

"I guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow then."

New York traffic is as crazy as usual. We stop in front of a red light and Piper turns her head to my side. "Just so you know, Liv is at my apartment." She's almost apologizing. The nervousness is evident.

"Oh ok, I don't care. I guess I kind of expected her to be there since you two live together."

Piper stays silent. Soon the light switches to green and we get back on the road.

"You know Nicky lied to you right? I don't believe her story, she probably had this weird intention of you handing me lunch. She seems to forget that the woman you live with might not be so happy about it." I chuckle.

"We don't officially live together." Her voice is soft. It's almost not there, like she's embarrassed to say it out loud.

"What?" I heard her the first time but try my luck. I want her to feel like she can still talk to me about everything, even Liv.

"She does live with me though, but not like all the time. I'm not ready to let someone move in with me for good, it's my safe space and sometimes I still need it to myself." She glances at me.

I really don't know what to say to that. It's clear that we're both still hurting very much.

We finally arrive. Piper parks the car and we slowly make our way up to her apartment. Upon entering we get welcomed by a delicious smell. I can see Liv standing in the kitchen wearing an apron. She surely knows her way around the kitchen. She's like one of those TV chefs.

"We are here." Piper says. She reaches out to take my jacket and she hangs it on a hook by the door.

"Hey babe!" Liv calls from the kitchen.

It's like a punch in the gut. I always used to call her that.

Piper walks up to Liv and I stroll behind. Liv gives her a kiss on the cheek before she sticks out her hand to shake mine.

"Hi Alex, good to see you again."

"Same. Looks like you got some killer skills, the smell is godly." I exaggerate, I need Piper to see that I'm trying my best to be polite.

"So, it seems like you are here to rob us of some literature." Liv says playfully.

Piper chuckles and I laugh out loud pretending to be amused by her joke. _Jesus, where is all this inner hate coming from?_

"I could rob you of some other things, but I wouldn't even try to go there." Before I know it the words are out. Piper is taken aback, she quickly shifts her gaze to to the ground, embarrassed by my statement. The smile on Liv's face falls and she takes Piper's hand in a quick motion. I feel ashamed and know that I must do something to get me out of here as soon as possible. I thought I was ready to handle this, but it seems like we are anywhere but a level where we can joke about the complexity of our gathering. "Do you have any boxes, so I can carry my stuff home safely?"

Piper seems glad that I change the subject. "Yeah sure, I'll go look in the pantry. Be right back." She drops Liv's hand and almost runs out to fulfil the task.

Olivia goes back to stirring in her pot.

"Sorry about that, it came out before I knew it."

"No worries, I can take a joke." Liv turns her head and stares at me like she's trying to decipher if I was really joking or if I was warning her of a possible thread. I'm sure my face isn't showing either of those expressions cause I'm not even sure myself what that was all about. Luckily Piper comes back and sets the boxes down in front of the bookcase in the living room. She gestures me to come over.

I scan all the books and check them one by one to see if they are worthy enough for me to take them with. I'm not sure if I'm aloud to take my time with this but I sure hope that Piper knows that somethings can't be rushed.

One book particularly catches my eye. It's one I got for my birthday from my ever-loving girlfriend who is now a stranger sitting next to me on the hardwood floors of our former apartment. I flip over several pages and read the written words on the bottom of the last page.

" _It's like coming home after a long trip. That's what loving you is like. "_

She signed it off with her name and a little heart. It's a book full of love poems that I read in one sitting. After all those perfect wordings and careful constructed sentences, I came across her way off describing love. I can honestly say that I bawled my eyes out after reading that confession. Until this day, it gets me every time. She was everything I ever wanted and I'm still not sure if I even deserved everything she gave to me.

Piper sees my changing expression, so she takes the book out of hands and lays it in the box on top of other books. She keeps staring at me through the whole process. It's the first real moment we have being the Alex and Piper we used to be.

When we are done with the books I switch over to my CD collection. Once again, I decide to only take my favourite music with me. The only full collection I want are my CD's of The Cure. They have been my favourite since forever and I can't wait until I can blast them through the speakers of my car again.

I was so caught up sorting through the albums that I didn't notice Piper standing up and walking away. She returns to me with two suitcases in hand.

"These are your clothes. I figured you wanted them back. Your mom already took a bunch of them, but these are the last items." She places the suitcases next to the front door.

"Thanks. I think this is all I can take with me today. I'm going to call a cab." I take out my phone to press the call button, but Piper stops me.

"Don't be ridiculous Alex, I'm going to drop you off. How are you supposed to carry two suitcases and several boxes at the same time anyways?"

"No, it's fine, I'll work it out." I react stubbornly.

"Let me help you Alex." Piper says.

"Are you two ready?"

Liv stands in front of me and it looks like she is joining us on the ride to my apartment. _Great, just great._

"Yeah, let's go."

…

Piper and Liv try to pick up a conversation during the drive, but I keep quiet. Exhaustion kicks in and my eyes start to fall shut, it's only now that I feel the amount of energy I spent today. Last night I only slept a couple of hours after one of the worst panic attacks I have had till this day and on top of that I have worked a full day to keep myself busy. It's a miracle I'm still able to stand on my legs.

When we arrive they both help me to bring my stuff up.

"Alright, thanks for the help guys." I say as I put down a box.

"Hey Alex, can I maybe use the restroom before we go?"

"Yeah sure, go right ahead." I point Liv towards the door of the toilet and soon she walks off leaving me and Piper behind.

"It's a nice place you got here." Piper folds her arms and I can only sense what that posture means.

"Well, I'm still working on making it feel like home, but I guess it's fine for now. You want something to drink?" I need something to do so I walk over to the fridge and take out a bottle of water.

"No thanks, we'll be going soon."

I open the bottle and take a few sips. I go in for another one when I hear a knock on the door. Piper looks at me with a puzzled look.

"I have no idea who that might be." I inform her.

When I open the front door it's like the floor beneath me collapses. Shit, holy shit. Things are about to get interesting. The tired feeling leaves my body in an instant because what is about to happen needs my highest level of concentration.

"Alex! I'm so glad to see you can stand on your legs. I was so worried." Amber throws her arms around my neck and I hug her back eagerly.

I let the hug last a little longer than it should have. I look to Piper from the corner of my eyes. She's looking at the wall like it's the most interesting structure in the whole world. I'm slightly disappointed that I can't make out the expression on her face. She's doing a good job pretending not to be present.

Amber's arms fall back next to her body and she takes a step forward to enter my apartment completely.

"I'm so happy you are here Amber. Thank you again for last night."

This comment must have alerted Piper because she clears her throat and extends her hand in Amber's direction.

"I'm sorry, I didn't see you. I'm Amber." Amber smiles politely.

Piper shakes her hand and smiles back. I must supress an upcoming chuckle because anyone who really knows Piper would be able to see that the smile she's wearing is anything but genuine.

As if the scenario couldn't get any better, Liv returns from the restroom.

"Hi there, I'm Liv, Piper's girlfriend." Liv points to Piper and throws her arm around her shoulder.

"Amber, I'm a good friend of Alex." Amber leans into me and let's our shoulders touch.

I wouldn't call Amber a good friend of mine seeing as I don't know her very well or long enough, but I have the feeling that maybe she wanted to say something else but didn't dare to do it. Last night has made an incredible shift in our dynamic, something changed, and I can no longer see her as just a friend. I'm quite certain she feels the same way.

"So, how did you two meet?" Piper asks.

Liv's expression is displaying some real confusion right there as she stares at Piper as if she's not believing what her girlfriend just asked. But Amber doesn't see it and answers enthusiastically.

"We met in a club and ever since we've been hanging out, isn't that right Alex?"

I swallow hard seeing Piper's face falling. It's never my intention to cause her any harm but it's not my fault that she's feeling hurt. And frankly, it's not my place to protect her anymore. Piper shakes off her death glare and her jaw muscles relax.

"That's uhm so wonderful, really. I'm glad to see Alex is making friends." Piper says.

"I don't know how long you've known Alex, but she has tons of friends you know."

Once again a shot has been fired and this time it looks like Piper can't take it.

"Looks like you know Alex better than I do. Well, we really have to get going. See you later Alex."

With that Liv and Piper walk out. I'm sure that once they reach their car a heated discussion will follow because whatever version of Piper appeared when Amber entered the picture wasn't a I'm-completely-and-utterly-in-love-with-my-girlfriend one.

…

Amber has kept me company all night. Empty pizza boxes are scattered around the place leaving our bellies full of their former content. We've been laying on the couch watching movies. We started out sitting next to each other. At some point Amber had the courage to take my hand and before we knew it we are right here. I'm spooning her from behind, my arm is draped across her hip drawing lazy circles on top of her pants. It's a nice welcoming feeling, all the blunt fucking in the club wasn't getting me anywhere. Laying here with her gives me the idea that there may be something to live for, someone to live for.

"What did you mean when you said that you know what I'm going through?" It's a question that has been on my mind all day and I have been waiting to ask her.

She turns around and faces me. It's scary to be so intimate with someone so soon. I've never done this with anyone but Piper. But it seems like there is something between us and I want to find out how far we can go.

"Well, I've had my own fair share of panic attacks to know how it looks and feels like. The only problem is that you never know someone's way of dealing with it, so that's why I called your friend Nicky. I hoped she might know how to help you."

"You've had panic attacks?" I'm shocked by her honesty.

"Yes, all through high school. Look, Alex, I know that you told me that you aren't looking for any kind of relationship and only want to go out to drink and pick up girls but let me tell you that whatever the underlying reason of your attacks is, it doesn't simply go away by running from it. Maybe I can help you to teach how to deal with it. You don't have to tell me anything but the look in your beautiful emerald eyes is pleading for someone to help you. Maybe I can."

"You would do that?" I inch closer to her and my stomach flutters. I can feel her breath on my lips.

"I would do everything for you because I know what it's like and I hated that no one was there for me. Whatever happens next, there doesn't need to be a name for it. I think we both feel a connection so maybe its best to just let it happen. " She whispers against my lips.

"You sure?" I whisper back.

"Yes." That's all I need to hear to close the distance between us. The first touch of her lips is featherlight. The second time I go in I put more force behind my actions and move my head to kiss her from another angle. No tongues are involved as we keep exploring each other's unfamiliar touch.

Knowing that someone wants to be there for me is all I need for the moment to keep me breathing.

 **A/N Hey guys, I've been away from home for a while. Thank you for your wonderful reviews and I will see you next time! I hope you will have a wonderful week.**


	21. To ignite

**Chapter 21: To ignite**

After I returned from VAA today Amber was at my apartment. She's been helping me a lot. I admire her strength and kindness to take the time to teach me the tools to deal with it all. I've opened myself up to her since she was so willing to help me. Her experience with panic attacks has helped me to gain some inside in how to deal with mine. She's been teaching me breathing exercises, has been cooking healthy meals and supports me in keeping my alcohol intake to a minimum. It goes without saying that there is still a lot of work that needs to be done but we all got to start somewhere, right?

Two days after I first helped Nicky at VAA I had a major panic attack. Being back at the place where it all started triggered me into reexperiencing the moment that Fahri came back into my life. Amber helped me to sit through the attack. Afterwards I let her in on why I reacted that way. I told her about Fahri but left out the drug part. She told me that the best I could do was to go back to that building the next day to see that nothing would go wrong. I followed her advise and so it happened that Nicky accompanied me to enter back into the world of my former business. Nichols tried to convince me to take my former job but I'm not ready to be back completely. We came to an agreement that I will work three days a week to keep myself busy and to take part in the world outside. She's concerned that without a job I will get bored. She's right though, I've always needed something to keep myself busy.

Despite my life heading in the right direction it still stings that Piper isn't here for me and it certainly isn't helping that she keeps coming over at work. I don't know what her deal is. I doubt that she visits solely to see how I'm doing but if she is, then I don't know how to interpret her actions. She confuses me to no end, and it pisses me off that she can't seem to make up her mind. Sure, she acts friendly and asks polite questions, but it isn't nowhere near to where we were years ago. It's like she wants something but can't get herself to ask for it.

A week ago when Piper and Liv met Amber I told Amber about my former relationship. She laughed at the ridiculous situation and told me that no story writer could come up with this kind of script because it's too fucked up. Which is true by the way. Who would have thought that the woman I love can't be the one to hold me tight? I really must stop sounding so sappy. Amber knows that I'm still much in love with her and she seems to respect that. We are both on the same page, we need company and can provide it to one another. That's it, we don't have a relationship based on true love but one on friendship and comfort. Which is enough for the both us.

Amber is still at my apartment because I asked her to join me for dinner as a thank you for all her patience and care.

"I don't think that's a good idea Alex." She's leaning against my shoulder as we are watching a CSI series. Her choice, not mine.

"Why not? I really want to go. It's been two weeks." I have asked her three times now to join me on a night out but she's been refusing it every time, telling me that it's not a good idea.

"Please." I beg her. "It would do me good to be around other people.

"You saying my company isn't good enough for you?" She looks at me with her fake hurt expression.

"You think I would have asked you to join me on that trip if I wasn't enjoying your presence?" She gives me a warm smile and throws her arms around my neck. It's true, the night I went to mom for dinner she gave me two tickets for a three-day trip saying that Robert had booked it, but something came up and they couldn't go. In the past it would have been obvious that Piper would accompany me but now I asked Amber. She was extremely excited.

"That's an excellent point you are making." She gives me a quick peck on the lips and makes herself comfortable in my arms.

"But seriously, can we go out tonight?" I try again.

"Would you dare to go without me?" She asks playfully.

"It's starting to become pretty tempting." She nudges my shoulder as I laugh.

"In that case, where do you wanna go?"

"You know, I'm not really in the mood to go to a big club or anything. I think the sight of overconsumption of alcohol and probably drugs won't do me any good. Maybe we can go to The Shack? It's been ages."

"Where's that? I never heard of the place."

"The Shack is a bar I used to go to with Nicky, Lorna and Piper before the whole Fahri thing happened." I can't say _before the abduction_ because I never told her that part of my story. As far as she knows something happened between Piper and I and we haven't seen each other in two years. "It's the place where Lorna works. They have great music and it shouldn't be too crowded this night of the week."

"Alright, great. Let's finish this episode and then we can go. Oh Alex, maybe you should ask Nicky to join us."

I grab my phone of the coffee table and type in Nicky's number since I know it by heart. "Great idea, maybe Lorna is on shift." The phone rings and soon a raspy, slightly irritated voice fills my ear.

…

"Can you fucking believe that Pol? That bitch acted like all the years I spent with Alex were nothing in comparison to her short period of knowing her."

"And good morning to you too Piper." Polly rolls her eyes to my continued banter.

"No seriously, I've only seen her once but it was enough of an impression for me to dislike her."

"For the love of god Piper, we've had this conversation repeatedly for the past two weeks. Don't you think its time for you to put your energy into your own relationship instead of worrying about whomever Alex sleeps with?"

"I tried to talk about it with Liv, but she just says that I overreact and take Amber's words out of context." It's true, I did try to talk about Alex's new friend with my girlfriend but somehow, she's not that fond of the topic. It seems like she gets more annoyed every time I bring it up.

"Are you seriously surprised that your current girlfriend doesn't wanna talk about your former girlfriend? Isn't that like the most obvious thing in the world?"

I slap Polly's arm. "Shut up. Liv has no problem talking about Alex, it's just Amber she doesn't want to have a conversation about."

"Whatever you need to tell yourself Pipes. Anyway, have you seen Alex ever since?"

"I sometimes see her when I visit Nicky at work."

Polly raises her eyebrow. "Since when do you visit that bushy woman at work? Let alone a few times per week. You sure you don't go there for another reason?"

What the hell is she insinuating here. "No! Yeah well, maybe. I don't know. I just want to figure out how she's doing and if that Amber girl isn't harming her." I'm getting more worked up by the minute. It's not like I'm jealous or anything but that Amber girl has rubbed me in the wrong way.

"What happened to you telling me that you couldn't be her person anymore? Cause you sure ain't acting that way right now."

"I can still look out for her. We are friends."

"I have seen the two of you in all kinds of compromising positions I swear I didn't need to witness, so I do know for a fact that the two of you can never be _just_ friends."

"That's so untrue. Alex and I _can_ be friends."

Polly doesn't react to my comment but comes up with a proposition. "You know what we need to do Pipes? We are going out. You are going to bring your girl and the three of us are going to have a girl's night out."

"I don't know Pol." I'm not really in the mood to leave my apartment.

"Look, I get it. You still need some time to get over your feelings or whatever but what better way to get rid of your frustration than a night's out with your best friend." Polly stands up and walks towards my bedroom. "Come on Piper! I'm going to pick out a dress for you and we are going to that bar you used to go to."

I head in Polly's direction. "You mean The shack?"

Polly nods her head. "Yeah, that one. They have good music."

"I don't know Pol, I don't want to run into someone I know."

"Someone you know? You haven't been there in ages. Besides, I bet if you text Nicky and Lorna they will be eager to join us. That way you won't spontaneously walk into them."

I admire her enthusiasm and can't deny that maybe this could work out. "Fine, but first we have to wait for Liv to come home, I promised her we'd eat together."

"Alright, fair enough." Polly searches through my closet and takes out a green dress that accentuates all the right parts of my body. "This is the one Piper!"

She hands it over and I put it in front of me. I take a long look in the mirror and decide that it's the right choice.

"I'm going home to dress up and when I come back I will do your make up. For old times sake." Polly gives me a kiss on the cheek and leaves my apartment.

I keep standing in front of the mirror reminiscing the night's I used to go out with Alex. We always used to love picking out each other's clothes and messing up make up with wandering hands and lips.

"Hey what are you up to?"

Suddenly Liv walks in the room and sees me standing with a piece of clothing in my hands. She comes into view in the mirror.

"Apparently we are going out." Liv kisses my neck and grabs me by the waist, her chin comes to rest on my shoulder.

"I know." She whispers. "I walked into Polly in the hallway. She almost squealed."

I laugh softly.

"I'm afraid I won't be able to keep my hands to myself if you are going to wear that dress."

I close my eyes for a second when hearing that seductive voice. "Then it's going to be a particularly hard night for you." I turn around and give her a chaste kiss. I drop the dress on the bed and walk to the kitchen.

"I'll heat up the left over's from yesterday, Polly said she'd be here in two hours."

"Yeah that's great babe. I'm going to take a quick shower, be right out."

I hear the water in the bathroom running while I set the table and wait for our food to get hot.

…

"Ooh it's so good to see you guys, how have the both of you been doing?" Lorna approaches us when we walk into the bar. She gives us a hug before she walks back to the bar.

"Thanks Lorna, it's great to see you too. Is Nicky already here?" I ask Lorna with Amber leaning on my shoulder.

"She'll be here in a few minutes. You know her, always running late." Lorna laughs and hands me two beers.

"Yeah, that I do know." I smirk, take the two bottles and walk towards a booth. Amber takes the seat next to me and throws her arm over my shoulder. I throw her a seductive smile.

"Yo Vause, there are children here!" Nicky walks in our direction swinging her hands in the air.

"As if that has ever stopped me." I give her a wink. Amber's incredulous look makes me laugh.

Nicky looks grossed out by my confession. "I'm gonna grab a beer and then I'll join you pretending I did not hear what you just said." Nicky walks away.

"You doing okay?" Amber asks with that sweet voice of hers.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"I just wanted to make sure." Her warm smile makes my stomach flutter.

"Thanks babe." I steal a kiss from her before Nicky rejoins us.

"So Amber, did you hear that Vausey here is back to bossing me around?" Nicky places her hand on my head and fucks up my hair by rubbing it.

"Fuck off Nichols." We all laugh in unison. I comb my hair with my fingers trying to fix the mess Nichols just made.

"Yeah, she told me. I'm very proud of her."

Nicky's face tells me that she's also proud of me for taking steps in the right direction.

We keep talking and bickering back and forth for another hour. Eventually Lorna's shift ends and she joins us.

…

"Here we are!" Polly squeals.

"Jesus, you really needed to get out of the house."

"Let's make this a great night girls." Liv opens the door and Polly walks in. Liv grabs my hand and then the both of us get greeted by clinging glasses, talking people and good music.

Upon entering a gut feeling overtakes me. It's in a split second that I know something is wrong. Well, not wrong but it's that infectious laughter that makes me reconsider the choice we made to come here. It's too late to turn around cause Polly already saw Lorna walking to a certain table and is currently greeting her. Liv walks me over to an empty booth but we don't even have the time to sit down before Polly waves at us to come over.

"Hey Piper!" She yells. "Nicky is here with Alex. We can sit with them." Polly gives me an amused grin.

She's trying to kill me cause fuck, jesus fuck. Why the fuck did Nicky do this to me. I called her beforehand. She knew I was coming with Liv and she didn't have the decency to give me a heads up.

"What do you think?" I turn to Liv.

"It would be rude of us to get another table. Plus, there is no harm in enjoying our night with them. It's a girl's night after all."

I nod and drag her over to Nicky's table. Nicky makes place for Lorna so she can sit next to her. Liv and I take two chairs and sit at the head of the table. It's a tight fit but it works. I throw Polly a puzzled look as she doesn't take the empty seat next to Alex but squeezes herself in next to Lorna.

"What a surprise to see you Alex. Nicky, you knew I was coming but didn't mention a thing." I think Nicky can sense the annoyance in my voice.

"What do you guys want to drink? I will go over to the bar." Liv says.

"A glass of white wine." Polly says.

"You Piper? Do you want a margarita?" Liv asks.

Before Alex has a chance to say something I silently tell her to back off. "Yeah that sounds good. Thanks Liv." I throw her a smile and she walks away.

Alex is grinning amusedly and I hate her for it. Nicky sees the interaction between us and starts to laugh out loud. Soon Lorna senses the uncomfortable air and orders Nicky to cut it.

Alex keeps staring at me so I'm glad Liv has already left the table. Things can turn bad any second now.

"So Pipes, still going for the same sensual drink." Alex throws me a wink.

At that Nicky's laughter increases.

Polly just stays in the background and engages in a quiet conversation with Lorna.

Liv returns with our drinks. It's not only the drinks she's bringing to our table. The woman accompanying her with her trip back to the table brings out my nerves. It's not only the fact that she gets to spend the evening in Alex's presence that throws me off, it's the way she swings her hips, how she smiles at one girl particularly, how she carries that gorgeous figure of hers. Her very long wavy red hair fits perfectly with her tight black dress; her sex appeal is on fire. Her whole image feels almost threatening. Before I have the chance to say hello she fills the space beside Alex. That girl doesn't even have the decency to greet me. I was right to say she probably is a bad influence on Alex.

"I can honestly say that this was my first experience with a clean bathroom in any bar. Normally they're really nasty." Amber says to Alex.

"That's why Blondie here always used to love to come here. Isn't that true Chapman?" Nicky is trying to get to me.

Liv spits out her drink and my eyes widen. I know I can't back down, Nicky can't win. "Weren't you the one to make use of that cleanliness on more than one occasion?"

Our conversation has caught Polly and Lorna's attention.

"Nicky that's enough!" Lorna jumps in before the bushy woman has the time to respond. It still doesn't help that Alex stares at me and Nichols keeps laughing.

"So Alex, how is it to be back at work? Piper told me she ran into you this week when she dropped something off at VAA." I'm glad Liv is trying to pick up a normal conversation.

The rest of night goes by pretty smooth. We all make small talk, Polly drinks a bit too much and Nicky and Lorna are currently grinding against each other on the dance floor. It's almost like old times except for the dynamic between Alex and I.

There it is, the unspoken thought of _Alex and I_. It's been so long since I've been able to mention the two of us in one sentence and it's almost scary how good it feels, it's almost relieving. Seeing her in front of me, touching someone else ignites a fire inside of me. One that may be able to destroy the beautiful woman sitting next to me. But I must let it go. Our ship, the one my beauty with raven hair and I built, has sailed long ago. I have made a commitment to Liv and I have promised to stick to it because I do love her.

I think I've been staring at Alex for to long, she gives me a weak smile indicating she can read my mind. This increases my nervousness because Alex has always been too good at reading my facial expressions. I'm an open book to her.

"I'm going to get another drink." Amber squeezes Alex's hand and stands up.

"Wait I'll come with you." Liv gives me a kiss on the cheek and follows her behind.

It's just me Alex and Polly at the table.

"I have to pee." I help Polly to stand up.

Soon she waggles off which leaves the two of us alone at the table. When I sit back down my stomach flutters and I get nervous. We are surrounded by a whole crowd of laughing and talking people. The music got louder over the night but still, through all those distractions our eyes know exactly were they need to be. It's an inevitable attraction. One that will probably always be there.

So, here we are again.

Green meeting Blue.

Black meeting Blonde.

Just Alex and I.

 _Alex and I…._

…

My heart rate speeds up.

I've been observing her all night. I've seen how she reacts to the way Amber touches me, how she almost can't keep her eyes off me. I've seen how she smiles when Liv says something but how her smile never reaches her eyes cause she's too busy looking somewhere else.

It's this specific scenario I wanted to avoid. It's after our fight that I realised that however much she states that she's going to stay with Liv it's obvious she hasn't fully convinced herself yet. But the thing is, I can't wait for her. I can't put my life on hold just so she can figure out what she wants. I gave her the chance to come back to me, to go through it all, just the two of us. But she wouldn't, which I can truly understand.

But now that we are here I'm not so sure I can hold back. It's the way she looks at me every time Amber holds my hand, when she kisses my cheek, when she laughs with my jokes. Every time Piper shoots daggers in Amber's way.

What confuses me is that she can have it all if she would just say the words. So that makes me think that there must be something she's afraid of. Something is holding her back of choosing what she's secretly longing for. So that makes me think she is waiting on me to take the first step. Maybe she needs me to declare how much I need her. We have yelled at each other, tried to talk but we both know that that isn't how we do things. We communicate through delicate touches, passionate kisses and caresses that make everything else in the world disappear.

"Pipes."

I need to reach out before it's too late. Before she's gone. Before everything I ever wanted disappears for good. So, I set aside my cockiness, my anger and I expose her to my most vulnerable side. One I'm afraid of but dare to touch upon for her. Just her.

Her gaze shifts and with that simple nickname all complexity, all of reality, everything that we were, everything we are, everything we were supposed to be is lain out on the table. And it's so plain, so obvious and so simple that for some reason we still decide to keep circling around the truth.

The air shifts and I stretch my leg under the table and touch her calf. She shivers to my touch and closes her eyes for a second. When she opens them it's clear she's on the brink of crying. Her lip trembles. If we weren't out in the open, I would have reached out and tried to make her feel better cause that's what we used to do. I am the one who knows how to take away her pain.

Just when I decide that I don't care anymore and am going to caress her cheek Liv and Amber return to the table.

Piper quickly rubs her eyes to push back the tears. I swallow hard and let out a sigh.

For the rest of the night Piper stays silent and throws me glances.

…

"Guys, we are going to call it a night." Liv asked me to leave cause we both must work tomorrow, and she was already tired when we came here.

I give Nicky, Lorna and Polly a hug.

Amber walks up to me and touches my arm. "It was nice to have a conversation that lasted more than a few seconds with you." She throws her arms around my body.

I can hear her breathing. "If this isn't love I don't know what is." She whispers in my ear.

It surprises me to no end that this statement is coming from her, the woman who is acting as if she's Alex's girlfriend. I decide to let it go and to not make to much of it.

Liv is still busy saying goodbye to Polly so I turn to Alex who has been standing next to me.

I don't really know how to say goodbye, so I stretch out my arm to shake her hand.

"That's how we do it now huh kid." Alex smirks and lifts an eyebrow. She ditches my arm and goes for a full body hug. She chuckles in my ear and a shiver runs through me. Her husky voice still has its effect on me.

The hug doesn't last as long as I would want it to, but I know that my girlfriend is probably witnessing this scene. When she releases her hold on me I feel her lips grazing the skin between my ear and cheek. The tears return in my eyes.

Liv takes my hand and walks me out of the bar. I take one last look behind me and find Alex staring me straight in the eye, a sad smile covering her face. One that tells me everything I need to know, she's hurting. Which in return means that I'm hurting.

…

Nicky and Lorna left soon after Piper and Olivia walked out of the bar. Amber told me she needed to be up early for work, so she also left. This leaves me and Polly.

Polly sobered up quickly and asked me to get one more drink before going home. I was kind of hesitant but agreed anyway.

"You know Alex, I never would have thought that I'd ever see you again. I thought Piper was fucking with me when she told me you were back."

"Oh Yeah?" I chuckle. "It wasn't my first choice to see you ever again."

"I may have mentioned at your funeral how much the both of us disliked each other at the very beginning." Polly laughs. "But you know, I can honestly say that I haven't seen Piper this happy ever since you disappeared. She will never admit it but since your return it's like the light in her eyes is back. You brought my best friend back to live, for that I want to thank you. I might think you aren't that big of an asshole anymore."

"Thanks Holly."

Polly throws me an unamused look and takes a sip from her drink. "She still loves you, you know."

This catches my attention.

"It doesn't take an idiot to see it. I'm sure she loves Liv but it is nowhere near how much she loves you. And I honestly don't get it, you always make her life like hell, you lie and hurt her."

"That's not-" I jump in.

"Let me finish. You did hurt her, but somehow, she always comes back to you. You are both so different, two opposite poles that are so attracted to each other it almost makes me sick to my stomach because it's something that annoys the shit out of me. Honestly Alex, I would give everything for someone to look at me like you look at Piper." Polly hesitates for a second before continuing. "She always used to tell me that with you by her side she felt like nothing could happen to her. And then you disappeared so I think you can guess how hard it is for her to witness, that after she gave up and got her live back in hands, that you kept your promise and came back."

I place my glasses on top of my head. "She doesn't want me anymore."

"That's bullshit, and you know it. She's holding on to Liv because she fears what could happen if she gets back together with you." Polly lays her hand on my left forearm. "Remember what was once tattooed on your skin. Love is pain Alex, love is pain." With that she stands up, gives me a big hug and leaves the bar.

…

It's been awfully quiet since we stepped in the car. Liv has been moody ever since we left everyone at the bar.

I sigh. "Just say what you want to say."

Liv lets out an incredulous laugh. "Are you kidding me Piper? I need to tell you? You know what, I'm not doing this." Liv keeps driving in utter silence.

I run a hand through my hair, frustration creeps in and I want to fix this as fast as I can. "You know I haven't slept great in a long time, work has been really stressful. I'm sorry I've been behaving like an awful girlfriend."

"I have been nothing but honest and patient with you. Heck, I still am but please don't pretend that your work is the problem here." She starts to drive faster, probably to let of some steam but she's considerate enough to not cross the speed limit.

"What do you mean?" I almost whisper.

"Do you really need me to spell it out for you? Did it ever cross your mind that pretending like nothing is happening comes across as you acting like you don't care for my feelings at all?"

I seem to have struck a nerve and don't know how to react.

"So now you are going to give me the silent treatment. Is that how it's going to be? I told you from the beginning that I value conversation above anything else in a relationship so please, just be honest with me. That's all I'm asking."

I am lost for words. I have no idea how to react to this because she's right. She's totally right.

"Since you don't have the courage to own up to your own feelings or behaviour I will be the one to do it." We arrive at the apartment and Liv parks the car. The engine goes silent, but she doesn't step outside, instead she turns her head and faces me. "Ever since Alex is back it seems like you are more interested in her then me. And I get it, she was once the love of your life and I didn't expect you to be over her so soon when we started dating. But please Piper, we have come a long way and I need to know if you will be able to let her go. The way you reacted to Amber today was a reality check for me. And to know that Amber is only a friend of Alex I don't know how you will act when she has a girlfriend. So tell me, how do you want to proceed? Do you want to fight for this relationship or should I let you go? Because you hurt me today Piper. You really hurt me." Tears fall from Liv's eyes and she uses her hands to wipe them off.

Seeing her like this hurts me too. "I'm sorry."

"That girl didn't do anything wrong, she was just there to have a great night with her friends and you kept looking and reacting to her because you are jealous that she was the one to sit next to Alex." Liv is crying now. Her shoulders are shaking.

"I'm really sorry, I don't know what is happening to me. It's just so hard to wrap my head around all the feelings I'm experiencing."

"Look Piper, I gave you time. It's been a little longer than a month since Alex's return and ever since you've been absent. So I have to ask you in order to protect myself." She breathes in heavily. "Do you still love her?"

My tears finally fall and I'm scared because there isn't anyone I've told what I'm about to say.

"Piper, don't be scared. I'm not going to be angry, but I need to know. I told you multiple times that I love you and you have never said it back. Which was fine at first but now I need to know where we are. If you are as much in this as I am. So I am going to ask you again and I need you to be completely honest. Do you still love her?"

"I don't know." I whisper.

Liv takes my hand and looks me in the eye. "I think you do."

It's like someone is cutting my heart out of my chest. Liv's face is so full of hurt and it finally hits me how much she must have been putting herself aside for my feelings. "I do."

"So can you answer then?" Her face is pained but still covered in lots of love.

"I do love her."

A few tears roll down Liv's cheeks. "Do you love me?"

"Yes." I answer immediately because it's true, I do love her. She has helped me through one of the worst times of my life. She showed me what love can be like, how far a person can go to heal the ones who are broken.

She takes my head in her hands and wipes my tears away with her thumbs. "Do you love me as much as you love Alex?"

I really don't know what to say. My silence is enough of an answer for her. She leans in and kisses me softly. Several pecks on my lips, a few caresses on my cheeks and she leans back.

"Do you need me to let you go?" She asks.

I take her hands in mine and stroke her palms. "I love you." I whisper with a broken voice.

"I know." She kisses our joined hands. "But your heart belongs to someone else."

"I'm so sorry." Sobs erupt from the back of my throat. "I'm so sorry, I'm an awful person."

"Shh Piper, it's ok. You are anything but awful." Liv also starts sobbing.

I don't get why she comforts me. She should hate me, she should be screaming.

"It's not your fault because I knew what I was getting myself into, except for the part of Alex returning." She kisses my cheek very softly. "I kind of knew what would happen when I met her. It's clear she loves you very much. The way you described her when I asked about your picture told me everything I needed to know. I can tell you love me, but she is the love of your life. I really hope that you can see that I'm doing this out of love for you. You deserve happiness whether it's with me or her although we already established with whom it lays." She gives me another soft kiss. "It's okay. It's going to hurt for awhile, but I will be alright. I'm going to need a little space but after that I really hope that we can still be friends. I would really like to get to know the woman you fell in love with all those years ago. I would like to witness how happy she can make you."

We keep sobbing in unison for a while.

"You…are….the….most….wonderful…woman….I….ever….met." Between every word I give her a peck on the lips. "I mean it. You deserve so much more love than you get. And I would love for us to stay friends, but I get that you need some time. I know what it is to lose someone you love. It may be weird but if you ever need someone to talk to you're always welcome."

"Thank you, Piper. I will go up with you to make sure you are alright and then I'm going to take my stuff and go." Liv opens the door of the car and we both walk out.

"Where are you going?" We walk up to the building and go to my apartment.

"Probably to my mom. But no need to worry, I will be alright."

We share a glass of wine, a big hug and a few other tears before she goes. I'm truly sad it had to go this way but I'm glad she made me see what's in front of me. I'm proud of her to have the courage to stand up for herself, she stays true to who she is in every situation. I don't regret any second of our relationship, she was what I needed, who I still need in my life.

It's been an emotional night so I crawl under the covers of my bed to try and relax. As I lay on my back looking at the ceiling I think back to everything today had to offer. Diane was right, Alex always used to make my life ten times more complicated by drawing me towards her without a single effort. Alex has always been it for me.

Alex…

My Alex.

 **A/N**

 **I really wanted to end things with Liv here because she is a very smart woman and it wouldn't fit for her to keep dragging out her relationship with Piper while she knows that her heart belongs to someone else. I hope you have a wonderful week and thanks again for all the lovely reviews. You guys are the best.**


	22. The ship set sail

**Chapter 22: The ship set sail**

She's like a balloon. Such fragile material, ready to explode with the puncture of a needle. She keeps trying over and over with so much effort to take on a specific role. But no matter how hard she tries; the evidence is always there. Hiding or running isn't anywhere near enough to lock away the sentiments that hang over her like a cloud. It's in all the looks, wrinkles, strained jaws, silent tears. Even the never to be heard of wishes…They're all there whenever she enters the room surrounded by her mesmerizing smell. That flowery scent that brings out every possible image, feeling and memory of what used to be. But it's not enough. Because yesterday during that one fine moment in which our eyes locked and lips got sealed to prevent the escape of heavy breaths, it was clear to me what was to come. Her gaze was followed by an opened mouth, a tongue peeking through, ready to let the words roll of its surface. But she resisted, kept quiet. Shamefully she let others speak for herself although the evidence was there. That never-ending spark that comes alive whenever the one she loves enters the room. That longing look that reaches so far, I could almost grasp it if I were able to extend my arm just a little further.

Implying my desperation to get to her means only one thing. It means that the question isn't whether I would actually do it. It doesn't matter if the ropes are secured, even distance isn't the issue cause I'm sure that either way I would walk the plank. I'd jump of the highest ship, let the water swallow me whole for several meters down to the seabed before my journey towards shore is initiated. I'd do it all to feel those reassuring arms wrap themselves around my tender awaiting figure. So please, believe me when I say I'd take the jump. It's just that lately, I'm surrounded by an enormous amount of uncertainty the jump would bring. Not knowing if you will be awaiting my presence by the coastline holds me back from making the dangerous decision to swing my arms backwards before finding myself falling…It will always be an impulsive decision to make. One that's able to change the whole dynamic of our connection. I think it's written in the stars that there needs to be some kind of anchor before I position my two feet at the end of the wooden barrier.

Before I make that lifechanging decision…I need you to be there.

So for now, and maybe in the end, it would all be for nothing because the heavy truth is that you are with someone else.

 _She_ is with someone else. She _has_ someone. She _is_ loved. Someone else's arms are wrapped around her fragile body. Someone has the wonderful and powerful permission to get dizzy from the perfume that she sprinkles on the nape of her neck.

All the above leave me with a _friend_ to take care of me. So that's why, since I found out about her _other_ love, I keep convincing myself of the same thing; _She's fine, she's okay. I'm okay. We're fine._

 _Really,_

 _we are._

…

Today, waking up goes along with a certain realisation coming to mind. I thought I was gradually descending into the safe zone where nothing could hurt me, but this morning when I put my two feet on the ground it is clear that today is going to be a challenge.

Still, I make the decision to step out of bed. A nice long shower helps me to get rid of the tensed muscles in the back of my neck. Afterwards when entering the kitchen, I'm welcomed by the smell of coffee and a bagel sitting on my counter, a small appreciated surprise left by the redheaded lady who came by before work, all the while I was sound asleep after several hours of tossing and turning.

The aroma and steam coming from the cup of ground beans mingles with the warmth radiating from the sunny streaks that descend on the floor of my apartment. The reflection of yellow light and the irresistible smell of coffee brighten my day just enough for me to hold on to that sliver of believe that _maybe_ it'll all be okay.

With the warm cup in hand I walk to the big window overlooking the entire city. It's a stunning view. People crossing the street look just as small as ants, they keep rushing past one another. All trying to be a little faster than the person in front of them.

I used to be one of them. Being so hasty that I forgot the world outside of mine. I used to think that I was the center of the universe. It all revolved around me, at least, until Piper came into my life. She made sure that I took the time to take in all the beauty we are surrounded with. It's easy to put on blinders, to act as if nothing happens around you, but being ignorant to all of it is quite shameful. There is so much more out there.

When it's time for work I put my cup in the sink and put on my black dr. martens. Just when I'm lacing my shoes my phone buzzes in my pocket.

 **[Amber]:** Hey Alex, busy day but have just enough time to bring lunch. What kind of sandwich do you want? See you later babe.

 **[Alex]:** Ham 'n cheese is fine. Thanks for my morning surprise, good luck with your case!

Amber texts back a short reply saying she'll keep me updated. Soon it's time for me to leave the apartment so I throw open the front door and step outside hoping that today won't be as disastrous and radical as the feeling I woke up with predicts.

…

"Another daydream?" It's more of a rhetorical question than an actual one. Nicky comes in a few hours late with a box in one hand and the leftovers of what used to be a full round donut in the other. I guess she really enjoys the perks of being her own boss.

"No. This contract is just particularly hard. Unlike you, I read every word very carefully." I've been staring at the folder laying on top of my desk for I don't know how long. The only thing I can try to do is cover up my tracks with a smart answer.

"Yeah true, that introduction is _so_ hard. Those two welcoming sentences are really difficult to grasp." Nicky smirks.

"Oh shut up you smartass." She may have cracked the shell of my ego a teeny tiny bit. "Just to give you a heads up, Amber is stopping by at noon. She's bringing us lunch."

"Didn't she have to defend that particularly hard case?"

Yesterday evening Amber told the whole table about one of her cases, a woman who was abused by her husband. All the evidence points in his direction but because of his status and privilege, and his fuckload of money, Amber is having a hard time getting him sentenced.

"Yeah she's having a meeting with her client now. But afterwards, she'll pass by."

"Fine with me. Anyways, before I forget to ask, how are we doing this fine morning stretch?" Nicky says while throwing the box she held in her hand towards me.

Sadly, my reflexes aren't what they used to be. The box lands on the floor by my feet. "Thanks for smashing my food." I open the box and see the smudged donuts.

"You know I love you." She smirks and puts the last bit of food in her mouth before she jumps down onto a chair opposite my desk. She wipes the remnants of the donut off her mouth. "I must say, you look a little rough."

"I'm fine." I try to suppress the sigh that's about to come out.

"You should get that tattooed on your forehead if you want people to believe that." She chuckles and leans over the desk to take another sugary donut. "Seriously, why are you looking like that?"

"Jesus, back off please. I'm tired and have a shit ton of work to do." I sift through the pile of folders on my desk.

"Alex, isn't it time to go seek help? I know you don't want it but I think it's getting out of hand." Nicky tries.

"Look, I had a fantastic night with a beautiful girl on my arm, my best friend and some other friends. I just had a little too much to drink so my head was fuzzy and I couldn't sleep." _Because the thoughts of her kept me busy for hours on end_ the words scream to be let out but I don't dare to. I stick my nose in a folder to block her out instead.

"If you say so." Nicky takes out her phone and walks out of my office. Leaving me alone to stare at the blank wall. It gets quiet apart from the singular notes coming from the radio sitting in a far corner of my office. For the following minutes several rock and new wave songs accompany me as I busy myself with reading folders and putting in orders on my laptop. But then it hits me, that gut feeling I woke up with. I know I should have just stayed in bed cause when the second song of The Cure ends and a jingle to announce the news of the day is played there is no turning back.

 _Thump thump thump._ "Fuck…" My voice cracks due to my elevating heartbeat. The realisation hits me hard in the face, scaring me shitless. I know what awaits me, so I swallow hard and stand up. My hands fall on top of my desk to keep the balance in my trembling body. The sound of the radio and Nicky's sudden laughter from far away start fading once a ringing noise fills my ears.

It's all because of that one word. One word that erases the former two weeks with almost no panic. Just a sound, a name that haunts me in my sleep.

 _Kep._

I try to compose myself and shake my head, an incredulous laugh leaves my lips. I can't believe this is happening. Since I'm not able to understand the radio host my mind tricks me into telling parts of my story. It makes me hear things that aren't there. It's both intriguing and frightening how one word can trigger a massive stream of words to get pushed off a cliff, spilling and spilling till nothing is left.

 _*A drug bust held in Kep turned out to be a huge success. Massive amounts of cash and drugs where found hidden in closets and wooden chests. After discovering a severely abused hostage two men opened fire to cover up their tracks. Both were killed by the local police. Further investigation will be needed to trace the ring back to New York and to find – *_

I want her arms wrapped around my waist, ensuring me that I will get through this. I envision her sitting in front of me on her heels, laying her hands on my knees. I can almost feel the touch of her skin on my jeans as she would squeeze my thighs to comfort me. I imagine her calling my name over and over. Telling me that she'll be here for me.

I repeat her soothing words hoping they can shut down the stories made up by my untrustworthy mind. Slow _down Alex, slow down._ But it's not enough to hold back the following stage in my panic attack. My knees start buckling as flashback after flashback takes me over.

All the pain, the concrete, the rope, the knife, broken glasses, the pipe…Piper.

The tears, the blood, the hair, another pipe leading to the inevitable thought of Piper because no matter how hard I try, it always all leads back to her.

As soon as I'm able to I push myself off the desk, grab my jacket and walk to the door. A small pause to lean against the doorframe is needed if I want to make it to the front door.

"What's up Vause?" Nicky calls out from behind her computer. It's not enough to grasp my attention, I must put too much effort into supressing the continuing flood of thoughts.

All the beating, the blood, the suffer…but most of all the heartbreak. Knowing that I would never get back, having to hang on a thin thread trying to crawl out of a dark pit all just to be here again. To find myself in her arms again. But she isn't here. Because sh _e's fine, she's okay._

My hands are clam and a violent shake runs through my body. Luckily Nicky didn't see it.

"Home." I push through my teeth.

"What?" Nicky shoots a glance in my direction but soon she's back to staring at the screen.

"I-I'm going home." It comes out with a slight stutter, so I try to articulate as much as I can.

"Not feeling good?" She turns her head in my direction.

"I think I'm having the flu or something." I'm a master in disguising my emotions, even during one of these episodes.

"I already told you you don't look so good. Do you want me to drive you home?" Nicky stands up from behind her desk.

"No it's fine." I hear Nicky's voice telling me she'll drive anyway when I shut the door of VAA and walk to my car as fast I can. I want to feel safe in a place I can control myself.

I knew I should have stayed in bed this morning.

….

It's not even been a full day of me being single but every time I'm not concentrating or doing anything, my head gets filled with an endless amount of memories flooding my already overcrowded mind. They keep screaming her name, _Alex._ Ever since Liv walked out of my living room and our shared tears dried on my cheek it is Alex who I desperately want to contact. I want to know how she is, I want to see the look in her eyes when I tell her that I'm here for her. I want to help her. I need her.

The past few weeks when I saw her at VAA it was clear that she tried to keep herself together. Hiding all the pain with jokes, winks and stupid comments that are supposed to make me tremble on my legs. It's the same old, putting up delicate walls of which I'm not sure Diane or Nicky are able to break through. If there is one thing Alex can than it's covering up her suffering.

So that's why I can no longer hold back, I need to know how she is before…Well let me say that I don't want to finish that sentence after that look we shared when I walked out of The Shack last night. It was even worse than Liv's face when I admitted to my undying love for the woman I let down on so many levels.

So I need her to know. I want to scream it, whisper it in her ear, I want the whole world to know that she is the love of my life. I want them to know that that rockabilly girl has a never-ending ability to make my heart flutter. She is everything and anything. She is Alex.

Before I can register what I'm doing my legs push themselves to leave the store and I'm on my way to VAA.

When I arrive I see Nicky through the glass door so I throw it open. "Hey Nick!" I told myself in the car that I had to contain the smile that was about to be plastered on my face. I must approach this situation with as much caution as I can. Alex needs me to be there for her, she may not be able to handle my overenthusiasm for us to able to get back together.

"Hey Chapman! Looking good in that tight skirt. I'm gonna take a wild guess and say you wore it especially for me." Nicky flirts.

"Of course I did." I almost giggle because of the overwhelming happiness knowing that I won't have to wait too long to see Alex.

"Anything you need Blondie?"

I'm feeling like a school girl about to ask one of the jocks out on a date. "Is Alex around?" My nerves skyrocket.

Nicky's face falls. "No."

"Oh, I thought she was working today?" I fidget with my sweaty hands.

"She should be."

"I appreciate that you're her best friend and like to keep her business private, but could you please tell me how she's doing?"

Nicky stands up and leans against a desk in front of me. "How do you think she's doing Chapman?"

"Does she talk with anyone?" I'm starting to feel slightly embarrassed knowing that I just asked a stupid question.

"Where does this sudden interest come from?" Nicky's answer takes me aback.

"What do you mean by that?" Irritation is evident in my voice.

"Well, Alex didn't have to tell me anything. But it was clear this morning that she felt agitated and I'm pretty sure it has something to do with your talk yesterday."

"She said that?"

"No, she didn't tell me a thing. She just walked out the door so I'm respecting her wish, I'm giving her some space. I'll check up on her later."

"I love her." I blurt out and have no idea why these words leave my mouth right here, right now.

Nicky waits a second. "Who, Liv or Alex?"

With that, all my heartfelt emotions for telling Alex I'm here for her are out of the door. Nicky knows who I love so it's like a punch in the gut that she even dares to question my emotions. "Nicky…" I sigh.

"Seriously Chapman, you've seen her. How do you think Vause is doing? Would you define her behaviour as one belonging to someone who knows how to deal with emotional trauma?" Nicky comes off as angry.

"At first…I thought she was fine."

"Look, I can handle Vause. You should focus on yourself and Liv."

After her earlier comment it was evident this was about to follow. "She broke up with me."

The anger leaves Nicky's face in an instant and gets replaced with an overwhelming amount of guilt. "Ow." She gives me a quick hug. "I'm sorry. When did this –"

"Yesterday." I'm quick to answer.

"Why now?" I know what she's trying to ask. Before Liv was even in the picture I once had a conversation with Nicky about how I felt like no one could take Alex's place.

"Because it doesn't matter how much I love someone." I pause. "She's always there you know. Taking up her space in my heart, claiming what's hers." I laugh about how ridiculous that may sound.

Nicky definitely agrees seeing as she chuckles loudly.

Still, I mean every word. "No matter the amount of hurt, she's always been the one."

"Shit man, Vause should hear you. I would give money to watch her face as she tries to act like it doesn't touch her." Nicky tries to lift the mood but continues on a serious note. "Does she know?"

"I haven't even told Polly." Somehow, I'm glad Nicky is the one I told first.

"So that's why you're here then?"

"That look in her eyes when I left." I swallow back tears. "I need her to know I'm here."

Nicky looks around, making sure no one is here to interfere with what she's about to tell me. "I'm not sure I should be the one to tell you, but please be careful and respect her boundaries."

I wait on Nicky to continue.

"She's having panic attacks." The words are out.

I gasp. _Oh Alex, I'm so sorry. I should have been there._ "Shit." The tears spring in my eyes. "She at the apartment?" I ask in a quiet voice, feeling more ashamed than I ever have before.

Nicky's about to answer when the front door of VAA swings open.

"Hey Nicky. Oh, hi Piper, nice to see you again." Amber walks in.

If there's one person I didn't want to interrupt my talk with Nicky it would be that piece of shit. She's claiming Alex as if she's hers. But Alex is no one's property. I could barely stand her yesterday when she clung to Alex like a pet cat. Fuck her.

"You girls okay?" She asks friendly.

"Yeah we're perfectly fine. I was just telling Blondie one of my sicko jokes. She couldn't handle it."

I laugh a bit uncomfortable playing along.

"Alex didn't come out of her office to say hi to you?" Amber's question is directed to me and I have no clue how she wants me to answer.

"She isn't here." Nicky jumps in probably sensing that I found the question to be rather offensive. Especially after everything I just confessed to her.

"I thought she was working. I brought her food." Amber lifts a plastic bag in the air. "Did she have…you know?"

I'm guessing Amber is trying to ask Nicky if Alex had a panic attack. I don't get why she just wouldn't say the words. Does she think I don't know what's happening to Alex? Does she think I don't care?

"She just left in a hurry, said she didn't feel good." Nicky's phone buzzes on her desk so she steps outside to take the call.

"Don't worry, I'll stop by her apartment on my way to the store." Those are the first words I dare to speak.

"No need for that, the hearing got cancelled so I'll go to her instead." Amber looks as if she's about to turn around to leave.

A weird feeling overtakes me. I don't want her to go because I know that Alex hates it when people see her in her vulnerable state. And frankly, I don't believe she's the one who should be helping Alex. I'm here now, I'm the one who should do it. I know how to break down her wall, brick by brick without smashing the compound with one throw of a hammer. "I said I'll go." I'm glad I sound determined.

"Well, I guess I'll be leave now." With that she ignores every single word I spoke. She just hands me the bag of food. "Tell Nicky she can have all sandwiches, I'll stop by to get another one on my way to Alex." Amber smiles over politely and it sends a pang towards my heart.

If the earthquake was forming earlier than now the volcano is exploding under its pressure. "You know, Alex doesn't like hovering. In fact, she hates people checking up on her." It's partly true, she only likes certain people to be around when she's feeling down. Those _certain_ people being me, at least in the past it used to be like that.

"Guess she didn't like your company because she's never said such a thing to me." Amber is as determined as I am.

I shake my head. "Excuse me?!"

"Ladies calm down." Nicky walks in on our about to be fight. "Isn't it nice to see that Vause can get all the lady attention she could dream of." Nicky smirks but it's a bad move to make.

"Back off Nicky." I roll up the sleeves of my blouse. "So Amber, enlighten me. Why would you think such a thing huh?"

"All I'm saying is that you shouldn't try to drive a wedge between Alex and I."

"As if there is anything to drive a wedge between. You guys are just friends." It's a dangerous move to make. The way Amber behaves around Alex is as if they are girlfriends. So that's why I'm testing her, I need to know.

"I know you think I don't give a shit about Alex and am doing it for some weird purpose, but I need you to know that I really like her and I'm not going anywhere. She told me you guys are over."

I take it as a threat. "That's convenient for you, isn't it?" Her calm voice threw me of, so I push her backwards.

"Whoa Chapman, calm down." Nicky grabs my arms.

"Who the fuck does she think she is?" I ask Nicky.

"I don't know if it ever occurred to you but I'm the one who has been helping Alex with her panic attacks, you wouldn't even know what to do when she's having one. You haven't been there for her."

"Amber, shut it and get out." Nicky pushes her out of the door and returns to me.

"You okay Chapman?" She sounds genuinely concerned.

"I'm fine, I just need to get out of here." I take my stuff and run out the door thinking about what the hell just went on in there.

….

It took me awhile but after an hour of shivering and sweating on my couch with guttural sounds escaping from the back of my throat I'm finally calm again. Swaying in that soothing state of mind trying to climb back to reality. And if I'm honest, maybe those two beers might be contributing to my resting state.

It's become clear to me that after this bad episode I need a break. It's been all too much, seeing Liv and Piper together caused a heavy eruption of emotions. I know the trip is supposed to be next week, but it can't wait.

 **[Alex]:** Change of plans. I need to get away. Will you come with me?

I step towards my bathroom and start collecting all kinds of toiletries. Once I'm done I pack two bags of clothing. I literally throw everything inside wanting to be on the road as soon as I can. I'm done here, maybe coming back wasn't the best idea after all. The only thing returning has done is creating a distance between me and the world.

I snap out of the darkness with a sound alerting me of an incoming message.

 **[Amber]:** I'll see what I can do.

It's a short text. I hope she can accompany me because I'm afraid to go on my own. Mom and Nicky would be too keen on getting me to talk about things I'm not ready for. Amber is the only one who lets me do things at my own pace.

Once all the bags are packed I put them in the living room. I'm exhausted so I lay down on the couch hoping to sleep for just a bit. It doesn't need to much but I'm in need of some rest.

….

"Hey dear, how are you?"

I didn't know who to call after my outburst. Since Diane has been my savior on many other occasions I decided that she would be the best to trust in this situation.

"Hey Diane, I'm fine. How are you?"

"Oh dear, it's just the same old. Trying to keep myself busy and checking on Alex whenever I can. She still won't tell me anything, but I've found a therapist. The only issue is getting her to go."

I've been listening to Diane's words but can't help finding myself staring in front of me with a blank expression.

"She's still stubborn as hell." I smile widely thinking about Alex.

All the happiness I had when entering VAA is out of the door leaving me uncertain of how to approach the mess that's in front of me. My first priority is to help Alex but I'm afraid that I'm too late. She has Amber, someone who knows how to help her. The only thing I can do is _be there._ And I'm afraid it won't be enough.

"I'm really glad you called, it's been too long. But is there something I can help you with?"

"Well, actually, this is why I called you. Nicky told me about Alex's panic attacks."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you Piper. You had enough on your mind to be dealing with Alex as well."

"It's okay, I get it." My voice is toneless.

"You sound a bit sad, you sure everything is okay?"

"Well." I have to swallow. All of a sudden, a sobbing sound escapes and I'm too late to put my hand in front of my mouth. It just came out of nowhere. It's becoming too much of a routine to start crying on the phone.

"Piper dear? What's going on?" Diane's voice is as sweet as ever. What I would give to have such a caring mother.

"She broke up with me." My voice is almost a whisper.

"Can you repeat that dear, I didn't catch it." She encourages me.

I sigh, it's hard enough to say it out loud as it is, let alone having to repeat it. "Liv and I are over." It comes out a little louder.

"Oh, I'm sad to hear that. How come?" I'm sure Diane know but wants me to tell her.

"Yesterday, Liv, Polly and I walked into The Shack only to find that Lorna, Nicky and Alex were there." I don't mention Amber because I don't know if Diane knows about Alex's next conquest. "I couldn't keep my eyes off her. Liv noticed and ultimately she decided that she couldn't be with me while witnessing that I wanted to be with someone else."

"That someone being Alex?" I can sense that Diane is trying to contain her growing smile when asking this question.

I don't have to think about the answer, it's evident. "Yes."

"I don't know what that girl did to deserve you."

"I don't know what I did to deserve Alex if she decides to give us another chance." My heart skips a beat at the thought of waking up next to her. I never could feel the same sense of safety once I learned the feeling when falling asleep in her arms.

"You know that's not the issue, right?"

"What isn't?" I don't want to assume what she means.

"Oh dear, you can be so naïve. Alex has never loved someone the way she loves you."

 _But you might not know about Amber._ "But what if she were in a relationship with someone else and wouldn't want to give that up to be with me?"

"Piper let me tell you something. You know I was thinking about calling you. Like I told you earlier, I found a therapist for Alex and I think you should be the one to tell her. You should take the credits for it."

She won't take anything from me after… "No that's not –"

"Piper, she will never listen to me because I'm her old mom." Diane chuckles. "But she will to you, she'll take anything from you."

I'm not too sure about that after…after that look. "You think so?"

"Yeah I do. Btw, I was about to order pizza because Robert is out of town, but I really shouldn't be eating that crap. Any chance you want to join me for a proper dinner?"

"I don't want to impose."

"That's a yes then."

Now it's my turn to smile. "Yes."

"Good, I'll see you at six."

"Bye Diane, and thanks for everything."

"You know I have a soft spot for you kid."

With that the phones clicks, and my smile gets bigger and bigger. _Kid._

….

I return to the store and sort books in a certain order. Normally at this hour Liv would come by to pick me up or to help me to lock up so we could go home. This won't be happening anymore. She won't be here to help me out or to take care of me. And I won't be there to be her girlfriend, a person she can lean on whenever needed. It's hard to feel as heartbroken as I should be after a breakup. Sure, I miss her and still love her but it's knowing that Alex and I can have another shot that keeps me on my two feet. My swelling happiness is too overwhelming.

Soon it's time to leave so I order my staff to go home and drive to Diane's house. As usual she welcomes me with open arms and a nice, warm meal that makes my mouth water in an instant.

"I really don't know how you keep doing it." I lay my hand on my stomach. Seriously, Diane's food is so good that over-eat every single time.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it. I wasn't too sure about the addition of parsley, but I guess it mixed perfectly with the other flavours." She smiles.

"It sure did. You should teach me sometime how to make the chicken so soft and juicy. When I try, it always overcooks." I collect our plates and put them in the sink.

Diane stands up immediately. "No need for you to do the dishes, I invited you over."

"It's the least I can do." The water streams out of the faucet and I add some soap to get it all nice and clean. "You know, I was thinking on my way here, where did you find this therapist?"

Diane gets a towel and dries a clean plate. "Well, Robert advised me to search the internet and look at reviews to determine whichever therapist would be a good match with Alex. So, I stumbled upon a clinical psychologist specialised in trauma. I gave him a call and at first, he stated that I needed to be referred to him, so I explained the situation in detail and told him that it wasn't for me. He understood the growing need and agreed with me that time is running out. He's willing to help her because Alex needs to confront her issues before she sinks to deep."

I'm glad Diane has taken steps to help her daughter. The problem is that Alex doesn't know her limits these days, she doesn't know how to determine what she can't or can handle. She didn't have to tell me anything. It was all in that one look. "You sure I should be the one to go with her?"

Diane puts away the last plate in the cupboard and turns towards me. "Piper." She takes my hands. "Since her return the only look in her eyes is the one longing to be with you. She can try whatever she wants but whenever I mention you it's like she comes alive, even if it's just for a second. So yes, I'll give you his number so you can get into contact. You should book the first appointment. She needs our help."

"I'll do it." The green eyes staring at me could be easily mistaken for Alex's. They look just the same, so bright and honest. So full of love.

"Thanks dear, but I think there's something you wanna tell me." She smiles reassuringly, wanting me to disclose my most inner feelings.

It's almost terrifying how well Diane can read me. So there's nothing to do but spill. "She's gonna blame me for leaving her." It's my deepest, darkest, most terrifying fear.

"The most beautiful discovery true friends or lovers make is that they can grow separately without growing apart."

I need a moment to think about her words.

"You both needed time, you still need time but now the moment is here where you have to grow towards each other. She needs you, you need her and together you need to work through it."

But there's more to the story. "She's with someone else." I know I shouldn't have told her but if I want Diane to understand where I'm coming from she needs the whole truth.

She sighs, it's barely noticeable. "She may be with someone physically but don't forget where her heart lays Piper. And don't you dare let go of her. She's been through so much and I need to know that you will be ready to invest in her so if you need some time for yourself, do it before you get back with her."

I wipe away a stray tear from my cheek. "Thank you for listening."

Diane wraps her arms around me. "You are very welcome. What do you say about picking a movie and eating a pile of popcorn huh?"

"Oh god, I think I'm going to explode." We both chuckle and walk towards the living room leaving the remnants of our heavy talk behind.

I truly hope that today was a step forward. During my dinner with Diane I got a text from Nicky saying she visited Alex and that she was doing better. That's why I decided to lay low and not disturb her. She deserves the quiet and peace for a little bit before she gets thrown into an arena to deal with what's in front of her. She needs to take the bull by the horns. She needs to hold on tight.

She needs to win.

 **A/N**

 **Hey guys, life's been crazy out here. I really enjoy writing this story so don't be afraid, I will certainly finish it and will do my best to upload as regularly as I can. But since my exams are starting soon I can't promise how regular it will be. Certainly one month in between updates was far too long.**

 **This update was more of a filler to make you see what** _ **that one look**_ **has done to both Piper and Alex.**

 **Thank you for all your kind reviews and I hope you have a wonderful week. - Alex**


	23. Uncertainty is the worst enemy

**Chapter 23: Uncertainty is the worst enemy**

The stuffed bags stand by the door, waiting on me to lift their heavy weight off the ground. The handles stand out perfectly, ready to get grabbed by my impatient hands.

Two more days.

They must stand there for another forty-eight hours before I can put them in the car and fly away from this whole mess. Since my insomnia didn't take the exit I stayed up the whole night looking up places I want to visit once we're in Boston. Other than some publicized food stands I came across an old library I definitely want to check out because according to the reviews, the architecture really stands out.

I ogle the bags one last time before I retreat back to bed. The clock on the nightstand flashes 6:23. Luckily the gods are on my side this particular morning, Nicky told me to stay home until after the trip. Yesterday, her presence wasn't welcomed at first, but I knew there was no point in arguing to get her to leave. She was here to check up on me. Her mind was set on bothering me.

" _I don't care if you want to or not, this burrito better be in your stomach in ten minutes or I'm gonna pull out the big guns." Nicky waves her cellphone in the air._

" _What part of 'leave me alone' don't you understand?" I look down at the piece of food in front of me. The beers I gulped down in under a minute before Nicky's arrival filled my stomach to the brink. The thought of pushing big chunks of food down my throat is enough to make me nauseous._

" _What part of 'I ain't leaving' sounds foreign to you?" Nicky mocks. She picks up her own burrito and takes big bites. "See, this shit is beyond delicious." She spits pieces out of her disgustingly full mouth._

" _You know I have the right to call the police. I can easily tell them you're a burglar, maybe you'll finally land your hot ass in prison." I smirk._

" _I can easily call an ambulance and let them take you to a psychiatric ward. They'll be delighted to treat a depressive alcoholic."_

" _I'm not an alcoholic." I say defensively. I don't bother to deny the first part of her accusation._

" _You know, I'm such a good friend that I would overstep my fear of doctors to go with you whenever you decide to get your head out of your ass."_

" _Am I supposed to feel flattered?" I take a sip from my glass of water. Nicky put it in front of me after she saw the empty bottles on top of the counter._

" _Hey Vause, know what I've been wondering lately?"_

" _Mmh?" I hum._

" _What's the deal between you and Amber?"_

" _What do you mean?" I yawn and take my glasses of my nose to lay my head in my hands._

" _Are you two together?"_

" _We're friends."_

" _Nothing more?"_

" _Why do you ask?" I lift my head up._

" _She seems to be thinking that you're in some kind of relationship."_

 _Her statement takes me by surprise. I made it truly clear to Amber that I don't do relationships at the moment. "When did you talk to her?"_

" _She came by at noon, like you said she would."_

" _We're just friends." Nicky looks unconvinced. "And maybe we fooled around a little, but it didn't mean anything."_

" _You sure about that?"_

" _Is there something you know that I don't?" Finally I feel calm enough to lift up the burrito. I take small bites trying to feel if my stomach can take it. I know Nichols won't leave before I eat the whole thing. I might as well get started._

" _She might have had an argument with Chapman." Nicky smirks._

" _Oh god, please tell me you're kidding." I can only imagine how those two would have been in each other's hair in an instant._

 _Nicky laughs. "That's the least you should say. It was escalating rather quickly."_

" _Escalating?" I raise my eyebrow._

" _Chapman was protective as shit. You should have seen her, rolling up her sleeves and all. Ready to beat the hell out of that redhead."_

 _I lay my burrito down. "Why was she there in the first place?"_

" _The same reason she visited all the other times."_

" _Yeah I still don't get it. She was pretty clear on not being able to help me and after I have some kind of grip on my life she comes to check on me few times a week. I know she can't get her emotions in check, but this is just confusing as fuck."_

" _She didn't seem to be confused earlier." Nicky throws this comment into the ring, emphasizing its self-evidence._

" _She probably visits to make herself feel good. At least she came by a few times to look after poor Alex so she can stop worrying and be happy in her picture perfect relationship." It wasn't my intention to get annoyed, but Piper's behavior is anything but fair. If I can't interact with her like in the past than I'm not able to handle her presence. My feelings might change in the future but for now, I can't handle it._

" _Vause, I didn't tell you to make you angry."_

" _I'm glad you told me. How fucking stupid was I Nicky? I expected her to be there when I came back. The moment I stepped on that plane I had it all planned out. I went to see her but she ran away. She left me. And do you know what's the worst part?"_

 _Nicky just nods, not wanting to disturb my ramble._

" _I can't even blame her for leaving because I'm the one who disappeared for two fucking, goddamn years."_

" _Alex, it will all be okay."_

" _I disappeared Nicky! How am I supposed to get my life back?"_

" _You already have. You may not have Chapman right here this second but I'm quite sure that's about to change."_

" _How so?"_

" _All I'm saying is that I think you should give her a fair chance whenever."_

" _Whenever?" It's clear Nichols knows something I don't._

 _Nicky sighs and stands up. "I think we can both use a beer."_

 _I know that repeating my question won't heighten my chances of her giving me a straight answer. I'll let her off the hook. "I thought you said no beer tonight." A small smile appears on my lips._

" _We only live once right?"_

Nicky stayed the rest of the night. We watched a poker game and laughed at stupid jokes which helped me to calm down. I hadn't planned to burst out like that but afterwards it kind of felt good to let it all go.

During the night Amber texted me she couldn't leave right away, this resulted in me getting pissed off. I'm barely able to hold my head above water as it is and for her to deny me my escape…let's say it stung more than it should have. Now that I can put it into perspective, it was childish of me to text her to leave me alone until we take off. It wasn't fair.

My head feels heavy. I roll over in bed and let out a loud sigh while closing my eyes. Based on the irritation I'm gonna guess that they look bloodshot red. I wipe my right eye with three fingers soothing the pricking sensation. Of course, it only makes it worse but those few seconds where I'm relieved of soreness are enough for me to do it a second time, which is followed by another good rub.

A familiar light tingle beneath the bridge of my nose grabs my attention. My other hand shoots out from beneath the covers and it takes me a few seconds of opening and closing my mouth and eyes before an explosive sneeze comes out. "Shit." I mutter and take a tissue to clean myself up. I throw it into the bin and lay down on the mattress on my back. One of my arms lays on top of my forehead, blocking out the sun that's now peeking out from underneath the curtains. Luckily, it doesn't take too long before I doze off into a deep sleep. _Finally,_ I think just before losing consciousness.

A buzzing sound startles me awake, my heart pounds in my chest and it takes me a minute to catch my breath. Waking up during the REM sleep always has this effect, I should know because of all the interrupted nights during my drug-days. I reach across the mattress and take my phone. I have to shield my eyes from the bright light coming off the device. It's barely been an hour after falling asleep. My phone buzzes again, this time in the palm of my hand. It's only now that I notice who is calling me for the second time in less than a minute.

"Do you know what time it is?" I groan and roll over.

"Well, how mature." She chuckles into the phone. "I was calling to wish you a wonderful day at work, but I guess I'll hang up instead."

A small smile appears on my lips. "Don't you dare." She knows I was just kidding.

"Good. Let's start over then, good morning Alex."

I chuckle. "Good morning mom."

"Am I right to say that you're still curled up in bed with a pillow tucked under your head?"

"I took a day off. Actually, Nicky ordered me to stay home, which I'm thankful for. I think I'm having a cold." As the words leave my mouth another sneeze appears, and I have to blow my nose.

"It explains why your voice sounds all gravelly and nasal."

"I guess it does." I clear my throat, but this action gets followed by a violent cough.

"Shall I come over and make you some soup? It could help to get rid of it sooner."

"No mom, I'm fine. I might make you sick. Just enjoy your day, don't worry."

"Nonsense Al. I'll stop at the store to pick up some groceries and then I'll come straight to you."

"Seriously mom, it's okay. It's nothing I haven't been through before."

"Shush, let your mom take care off you. See you in a bit." With that the phone call ends and I drop my phone next to me on the mattress.

My eyelids seem to be out of energy to keep themselves upwards but just when I'm laying in a comfortable position the doorbell rings. I sigh and groan while trying to block out the noise with a pillow. Hoping it won't return I relax my muscles and lay my head on top off the pillow once more.

"Fucking hell." I mutter under my breath while throwing the covers off myself. I put on my glasses and a black robe before I stumble out of the room. I open the front door with one hand while rubbing my left eye with the other. When opening the door, I get overwhelmed by a tingling sensation in my nose and am just in time to stop myself from sneezing in Nicky's face.

"Jesus Christ, you asshole!" She steps back.

"What, I was just in time to catch it." I try to laugh but my hoarse voice won't let me. It comes out in bits and cracks.

"You're lucky I drank a whole bottle of cough syrup. Not a single one of your or Lorna's bacteria are going to get me sick."

"You coming in or what?"

Nicky brings her arm up to cover her mouth. "No offense Vause but I have to keep my distance." She mumbles almost incomprehensible.

"Sure whatever, just stay in the hallway then. I'm going back to bed before I collapse." I walk away leaving the door open.

"You know what Vause, I just came to make sure your workaholic ass stayed at home. I'll leave you to prolong your beauty sleep. See you another time." Nicky waves and closes the door.

It might come off as strange behavior, but this isn't anything new to me. Nichols hates being sick. When we were kids, at school, she used to switch seats so she wouldn't have to sit next to sneezing and coughing classmates. One time, there was some kind of epidemic going on, so she decided it was a clever idea to come to class with a gasmask over her head. The teachers wouldn't allow it so she skipped a few days. Nicky can't be forced to come into contact with contaminated people. This type of craziness is exactly why we became friends in the first place. She sure knows how to entertain a crowd.

When walking back to bed I double over because of some heavy stomach pain. It feels as if a knife cuts through my skin. I'm actually glad Nicky left because by the time my body melts into the mattress I have to curl up into a ball to suppress the ache of the reoccurring cramps. I groan and feel irritated by the prospect of the following day, wasting away in bed with too much time on my hand to think about anything and everything. This damn cold better be gone in eighty-four hours.

Eventually the cramps subside and I'm able to fall asleep but as if life wasn't hard enough already, the doorbell rings again after what seemed to be a few minutes. This time I'm feeling incredibly aggravated.

"Is it so fucking hard to leave me alone?!" I say while throwing the front door completely open with the last ounce of energy I have left. As soon as the person in the hallway comes into view I'm startled and don't know if I should continue to be angry or if I should laugh by the ridiculousness of this situation.

Great, she's just the right person to make me feel more like shit.

I can tell my outburst made her uncomfortable and slightly unsure of how to go ahead. She forces an awkward smile and pushes a strand of hair out of her face. After a moment she finally has the courage to look me in the eye. "Hey." She says softly.

My anger diminishes by the sound of her voice, but for now it's enough to hold my harshness inside. "What do you want Piper?"

…

Her red nose and cheeks stand out from the pale skin covering the rest of her body. I'm sure that if she let me touch her face I'd find burning skin underneath my fingertips. The dark circles underneath her eyes make me wonder if they were there before or if they're caused by her sickness. Either way, I know Alex can't handle feeling like she got run over by a truck.

When taking in her appearance I can't blame her for the first words she uttered. Her hanging shoulders, running nose and protective hand on her stomach scream to be part of someone who's utterly sick.

Still, no matter the amount of sweat she's covered in or the current grease in her hair, she will always look stunning to me. It's because I know what kind of lovely, sometimes stubborn, individual lies underneath the miles of perfect skin she carries wherever she goes. Her intelligence combined with her mesmerizing appearance were enough to wrap me around her long and slender, yet very skillful finger.

"You look like shit." It may not be the best way to reintroduce myself into her life. Oh, well, at least I'm being honest.

"Didn't know you were about to take me to a beauty pageant. Next time give me a heads up when you're about to introduce me to the crowd of those WASPy events." Alex chuckles.

I'm glad she can make jokes.

"I suppose I can skip the question where I have to ask how you're feeling?"

"Have to?" She lifts her eyebrow.

"According to Polly I should try to ask politer and more socially expected questions. Your self-absorbance must have rubbed off on me." I do my best to come off as playful.

"As much as I love the spontaneous banter I have to go lay down before I faint right in front of you." Alex coughs through her sentence.

"Oh, right." The disappointment slips into my voice. I hoped to find her and confess how much I missed her. I'm getting second thoughts knowing that this isn't the right time with her being sick. "Shall I come back another time?"

"If you're afraid of bacteria then I advise you to close the door and walk away, otherwise, I think it's safe for you to come in." Alex walks into her apartment. Disappearing around the corner.

My earlier insecurity resurfaces, and I stand still contemplating if I should go in or leave her alone.

"Get your ass over here Chapman." Alex rounds the corner and gestures for me to follow her.

I step foot into her home and close the door. She guides me towards her living room. I know where it is because I've been here before, but I don't want her to think that I studied the whole floorplan of her apartment. She might not appreciate my observational skills at the moment.

Alex lays on the couch with a fluffy blanket covering her body. "Help yourself to any drink you crave, I'm in no mood to play hostess."

I follow her invite and return from the kitchen with two cups of coffee. I'd prefer to give her tea but since I had to work with whatever Alex's kitchen holds it's normal I couldn't find the required ingredients.

"No thanks, I don't think I'm able to keep anything down." She wraps her arms tightly around her stomach, her face scrunched up.

I take a seat on the far end of the couch not wanting to invade her space while trying to be as close as possible. "You sure?" Her nickname lays on the tip of my tongue, but I don't dare to speak it aloud.

Her sigh followed by a loud groan tell me everything I need to know.

"Shall I run to the store to get you something? I looked inside of your cupboards but couldn't find anything remotely similar to health boosting foods or medicines." It's remarkable how we fall back into old habits.

"Mom will be here soon, she'll probably bring the whole vegetable section."

"You sure? I don't mind –" I get cut off by Alex.

"What are you doing here Piper?"

I know damn well why I'm at her doorstep at 8:30 in the morning but know that this isn't the right time to bring it up. I came here knowing that I would have to push her to take a step in the right direction. I called her -soon to be- therapist and arranged an appointment. When walking to the kitchen earlier I contemplated whether I should use her vulnerable position to my advantage. Maybe her being sick makes her desperate enough to accept my invitation. I want her to get better, not only physically. But I guess I it wouldn't be fair. She would hate me for it if she doesn't already. This leads me to do what I know best, I try to wriggle myself out of the situation. "You weren't at VAA so I wanted to know how you are."

"At 8:30 in the morning?" She raises her eyebrow.

Busted. Even sick Alex knows how to read me. "I wanted to catch you before work." I explain calmly.

"Weren't you planning to visit me during work hours? I'm sorry I'm interfering with this new hobby of yours." Although she makes it seem like a joke her words sting a little. I can read between the lines.

Suddenly Alex sneezes. I hand her a tissue, but she won't take it. Of course, she won't. Instead she pulls one out of the pocket of her robe to blow her nose.

"You sure you don't want any help?"

"Piper, no offence but can you please tell me why you're here or else leave me to myself, as you can see I'm not feeling well." Even when feeling sick, in the past, Alex was one to act as if she wasn't. Her admitting to her state of being alerts me.

I decide that it's time to be upfront. "I needed to see you."

Alex's face is hard to read between the coughs and sneezes, so I don't know if I'm imagining the small smile on her face. Or maybe it's because it fell as soon as it appeared. I guess I'll never know.

"You _needed_ to see me?" She looks me directly in the eye.

"Yes." It comes out barely above a whisper.

…

Her words are enough to distract me from the awful feeling in my lower body. _I needed to see you._ It plays on repeat ever since she spoke the words aloud.

What does that even mean? Since when is she being so open, so honest.

At first, I didn't believe my eyes when seeing her standing in my doorway. I had to make a quick decision. I could yell at her for no reason or I could get as angry as last night during my rant to Nichols. But instead, the same heartwarming feeling that overtook me in the bar lead me to a state where I wasn't able to do anything but be glad that she came over. She finally had the courage to come see me when I'm alone. The timing might be awful but it's better than nothing. Still, I can't get my hopes up. Piper can disappear as fast as she appears.

I decide to challenge her. Somewhere deep down I can't help but feel like she owes me an explanation. "Why?" I'm blaming my soft, slightly shaky voice on the stomach ache.

She keeps staring at me. Fora second it seems as if she's deciding whether she can come closer to me. The uncertainty of not knowing whether I'd react positively makes the decision for her. She wraps her arms protectively around her body without moving an inch away or towards me.

If the world around us didn't exist I'd invite her in my arms. I'm craving for her to be my little spoon again. Knowing that such intimate touch won't make a difference makes me hold back. After she'd lay in my arms she'd run back to make Liv her personal safety blanket. I approve of her decision to let the distance between us exist. There is no use in pretending. At the bar I might have took the leap but now it's too late. The moment passed.

Although my brain is foggy due to the upcoming headache it's not enough to forget that she still hasn't answered my question.

"Why?" I try again.

She sighs heavily and stands up to sit on the coffee table in front of me.

"Alex." She sounds so vulnerable. So…full of sorrow.

I'm about to ask her a third time when there's a knock on the door followed by mom's voice. "Alex I'm here."

I sigh deeply. There is no way I'm going to get an explanation out of her. "Can you-"

"On it Al." Piper gives me a sad smile before she pushes herself off the table while I try to process how good it feels to hear the nickname which only she has the right to use.

…

"So, Piper came by huh." Mom winks as she hands me the bowl of freshly made soup.

I groan and roll my eyes. "Yeah."

"Any progress?" Mom sips from her own bowl.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I set the bowl on the coffee table, I'm still not in the mood to eat.

"By the look on your face and the fact that Piper practically sprinted out the door when I arrived I'm gonna guess that you're both still denying what's in front of you."

"I'm gonna close my eyes and pretend I'm not here."

"Don't act so childish Alex."

"I'm acting childish?"

"Yeah, that girl finally realized who she's supposed to be with and you decide to stick to your angry act."

"I literally have no idea what you're talking about." My headache takes a turn for the worst. My head feels as if it's about to explode.

"It's no secret she broke up with Liv. She told me yesterday."

Fuck the headache. I shoot upright into a seating position.

"Look who came out to play." Mom chuckles.

"What did you say?"

"What?"

"About Liv." I need to know if I heard it right.

"Oh, Piper told me they're no longer a couple. But you already knew that, right?" Moms eyes widen when she realizes she just told me a significant new piece of information. "You didn't?"

I shake my head and swallow the lump in my throat.

"Fuck." She mutters. "I'm sure she was about to tell you."

"So that's why she came." Here I was thinking that she missed me. _I needed to see you._ But she knew. She got dumped no longer than a day before and instead of owning up her part in their wrongdoing and drown in the hurt of their heartbreak she ran towards me. I knew she could be selfish, but this is beyond anything I could have ever imagined. What a fucking self-righteous, narcistic, egocentric bitch. I'm so stupid to let her back in. She just came back because she couldn't handle being alone.

She made the fucking choice to leave me. That's all on her.

But then the bar happened and now they're broken up. It's quite hard to figure out what all of this means. Cause really, what did she expect earlier? Did she think after telling me that I was gonna throw a party, pull a diamond ring out of a hat and propose to her? I can't fucking believe her. I'm done with her treating me like I'm some charity case. Now that she's got all this time on her hand she can finally invest some of her precious resources to help poor Alex out. Is that it? Did she come back because she thinks I'm broken and need her help?

"It's too late." I need to get away. All of this is too much. I can barely hold on as it is and now being sick makes me extra vulnerable to gradually slip into a dark place.

"Alex –"

"I rescheduled the trip."

"Oh. Was Amber able to change her schedule?"

"I don't know for sure, maybe." I do know she's coming but since it doesn't matter I don't care to elaborate.

"Who are you gonna bring then?"

"I'm going alone." Mom's expression turns from worried to surprised and then back to worried. "We're just friends anyway, I don't owe her anything."

"Why don't you ask Piper to come? I don't think it would be good for you to be on your own. Besides it could be a good thing for the both of you to have some time alone. This thing won't resolve by itself."

"Are you fucking kidding me? You want me to ask her? Why, so she can be proud of herself that after all this time she still wants to care of me?"

"For fucks sake Alex, don't say such crap because you know damn well that it isn't like that."

"What I do with my life is my business." I'm tired of everyone trying to make decisions for me.

"So suddenly Piper isn't good enough anymore?"

"That's not what this is about."

"Enlighten me then, what is it about?"

"She left me, she chose someone else so now she has to deal with the consequences."

"Consequences?"

"She needs to stop thinking that she can walk in and out of my life whenever it suits her. I'm not a puppet. I'm a human being with real feelings and she seems to forget that." I roll over when I feel another stomach cramp.

"Alex dear, you're both not at fault here. It's just-"

I cut her off, already knowing what she's about to say. "She didn't know I was coming back. I get that. But mind me that now I doubt how she feels about me. I need to know if she's clinging onto something she knows or if she's still very much in love with me. I can't continue this without knowing how she feels. If she's experiencing love or familiarity. I'm sorry, I'm not saying that I don't want her back because I do. I fucking love her and miss her. But she hurt me. Deeply." I swallow hoping that the raw emotions disappear in the process. Lately my anger pushes me to a point where my underlying emotions find their way to the surface. "I need her to prove it to me."

Mom nods her head to let me know that she heard every single word I spoke. "What does she need to prove to you?"

"That I'm worth fighting for, that she won't leave me when things get though."

"Oh Alex." Mom runs her hand along my side.

"If you don't mind, I'd like to close my eyes and catch some sleep. I have a killer headache." It's true, my head is splitting open.

"Sure dear. I'll leave you to it. Call me if you need anything and don't forget to eat, you need the fuel." She gives me a kiss on my forehead and leaves the apartment.

…

Two days later I stand on the tarmac with Amber hanging on my arm. We're both overly excited to leave. My flu-like symptoms reduced immensely yesterday so I can leave without having to worry.

"I can't wait 'till we're in the air." Amber exclaims happily.

"Me too, I've been longing to get away."

Amber is sleeping on my shoulder as soon as we're seated. I have a perfect view out of the window, seeing how the city disappears as we fly higher into the sky. It's a break I welcome with open arms.

I'm in desperate need of some time to breathe. To think about what I want. Well, not really what because that's not the issue that needs solving. My emotions are all over the place. On one hand I want to push Amber out of the window and throw a rope, so Piper can climb aboard. On the other, I want Piper to stay behind, I want her to suffer as much pain as she induced onto me. I want to keep her at arm's length hoping that she comes to the realization that a few weeks back she made a terrible mistake.

Knowing myself and our shared past, I know with certainty that I'll never be able to push her away. Unlike her, I'm can't deny how I feel. I can't pretend. Still, seeing her face full of worry makes me wonder if a relationship between the two of us can still work. We both changed tremendously. Piper has had a taste of a healthy relationship free of a web of lies, trauma and endless amounts of uncertainties. Is she willing to jump back in? Will she take the leap? Or will she leave when shit gets tough? Will she be able to handle me like Amber does when my body decides to shut down? I'm not sure she can take the stress, the angst. I'm scared to let her crawl into bed with me, waking up at the crack of dawn due to my horrifying screams.

If I'm scared of myself when I'm in my rawest form than how is she supposed to not be.

I wonder if Piper ever feels like I do. Has she ever screamed while dreaming? Do we both have these dreams where we lay in each other's arms hoping the other won't dissolve in the air?

I close my eyes hoping to catch a bit of sleep before the plane initiates its descend. After several minutes of opening and closing my eyelids I give up and let my mind drift off to a place where I don't have to doubt Piper's sincerity. Where I don't have to worry about being a second choice. Because she has never been one to me. She's always meant everything.

…

My fingers tick on my desk when the phone rings.

It feels wonderful not having to torture myself when realizing just how much Alex is on my mind. The break-up has set my mind free of this worry. I can picture Alex without having to feel guilty.

I wake up from my daydream and pick up the phone upon seeing the caller-ID.

"This is Piper."

"Hi Piper, it's Mr Goodwin, I'm calling you with good news. Or so I'd like to think. A client of mine canceled his session and I was wondering if you would like to take his place. Well, actually, I was thinking Alex could come."

It is now or never. Her other first appointment is in a month, so I might as well take the opportunity to push her help forward. "Yes. Thank you for calling. When is the opening?"

"Well, it's Tuesday at ten. Would that work for you?"

"Yeah, it's perfect thank you."

"Alright, looking forward to meet the both of you."

Mr Goodwin hangs up and I lay my phone down in front of me. A smile spreads across my face knowing that it hopefully won't be too long before I can see Alex again to tell her the good news.

Suddenly it hits me.

 _Tuesday…_

Tuesday as in three days.

Three days to inform Alex about the change in her life. Well, if she decides to engage in this change.

Fuck, she needs to know as soon as possible to hopefully reduce some part of her anger because if I wait too long she'll go mad.

Who am I fooling, she'll go mad anyway. Or worse, she's might kill me with her bare hands.

Yeah, she'll definitely do that.

She's going to kill me.

 **A/N**

 **I didn't think I'd be able to update but I'm glad it worked out.**

 **As always, thank you so much for your reviews. They keep me going as our journey is only about to start. Have a wonderful week. -Alex**


	24. Pierce my heart

**Chapter 24: Pierce my heart**

After landing a few hours ago we dropped our luggage off at the hotel and took a cab to the museum. Amber was so excited that we decided to cross it off our list right away.

We are currently passing painting after painting, sometimes taking halt when a canvas with vivid colors catches our attention. I make an effort to enjoy the exhibition. Surrealism has never been my cup of tea, in contrast to Amber who is walking around enthusiastically holding a folder to dive into the world the painter created by smearing his brush. Some patterns are put there precisely on purpose, others were made into the best they can be.

"What do you think of this one Alex?"

"Huh, what?" Amber drags me by the arm towards the exit of the room.

"What is it that you see in here?" She seems to be interested in the brown and green streaks that bring out the big mountains in the background.

"Are you for real?" I chuckle.

Amber throws me an annoyed look. "Why don't you give it a try?"

I give her a look that expresses my opinion on this humorous situation, but I decide to play along. "Well, it obviously portrayals a lonely man walking through the gates of nature. You see the hole in the middle? He could be escaping from reality or he misfits into the world and is in search for something better. Either those theories are correct, or he seems to be swallowed by an opening that looks like a stretched-out vagina. I know damn well what my choice would be."

"Smartass." Amber laughs with me and slaps my arm. "Let's walk away before someone catches the thoughts of your dirty mind."

We stop at a few other paintings but soon reach the end of the exhibition and are ready to explore the city.

"Let me run to the bathroom real quick." Amber gives me a kiss on the cheek and walks in the opposite direction.

I'm already feeling a bit tired. I take a seat on the bench by the exit and rest my head in my hands when suddenly my pocket springs to life. My buzzing phone is noticeable through the material of my dark jeans.

I'm fast to take it out to make sure that it isn't a work-related call. The thought on itself is kind of dumb since it's an old habit rather than one that is still applicable. When my phone sits comfortably in the palm of my hand my stomach flips. The caller-ID stands out on the bright screen.

*Piper Chapman – Incoming call*

I have literally no idea why she would be calling me. She hasn't done this before which makes me anxious on itself, thinking that something must be urgent. Something could be wrong with mom, then again, Nicky would've called me a dozen times already. Or maybe it's Nicky herself who is in danger. I'm not used to my brain being wired like this, directly imagining terrifying scenarios instead of taking the rational road like how perhaps Piper just wants to ask a banal question.

Before I have the time to press the green button the call ends and a message pops up on the screen.

*Piper Chapman – Missed Call*

Frankly I'm not in the position to call her back, being here in the museum hall doesn't make a good place to be discussing certain topics. I make an unnecessary mental note to call her back later.

"You ready to go?"

I jump at Amber's sudden appearance but try to play it cool. "Yeah, come on." I put my phone back where it came from and let Amber take my hand as we walk out on the street.

…

Our day went by fast. After the museum we strolled around, stopping every few minutes to look at street art or talk about statues and their meaning in the light of history. I got a refresher of our nations pride and past, not that I needed it but it's always nice to learn new things.

Other than learning educational stuff I reexperienced the joy of people watching, the warmth that spreads through me whenever my lips touch a cup of fresh brewed coffee and the overwhelming feeling whenever a harsh breeze ruffles my hair. I got to laugh at stupid things and argue over lunch with Amber which proves to me that I must be appreciating her presence more than I originally thought I would.

Throughout the day, whenever I thought of Pipers call, I my stomach fluttered. But I can't shove my decision to the side. I promised myself that I would only look at my phone if it goes off. Since it hasn't buzzed for a second time I didn't have the opportunity to take it out. A few times I had the urge to look at the call history just to check that it was indeed her who called. But I couldn't.

Just like now, here in this moment, seated in an Italian restaurant, I still feel the urge to scratch that itch. But again, I hold myself back. I want my mind to be completely here and not in the place I left behind deliberately. Seeing as I'm thinking this I know that I already failed. But at least I'm trying, right?

"Did you already pick out what you wanna eat?"

I look up from the menu to see Ambers bright smile. "Not really."

"I was thinking that maybe we should choose a new dish. Let's say we go for the weirdest names and hope for the best."

"Yeah, we should." Other than some wines I'm pretty sure I have already had a taste of all the foods. Living in Italy for a while has done the trick of eating everything Italians have to offer. Her enthusiasm is hard to dismiss so I try to sound genuine without giving myself away.

"You know what Alex, lets say I pick out the food and afterwards you with your extended knowledge can decide which bottle fits best."

"Deal." I dive back into the menu.

…

"Hey Al, how are you? Listen, don't be mad but I might have done something for you."

"Hello, can I talk to you? It's kind of urgent."

"Hey Alex, I know you're probably busy, but I would really appreciate it if you would find some time to call me back."

I sigh heavily and fall back into the comfy leather couch. "You are such an idiot Piper." I curse out loud. I've called her at least five times now. The first time I called the phone rang but the five other times it went straight to voicemail.

I must keep myself in check, not wanting to make Alex think that I'm stalking her. So far I've been able to get through the day without getting anxious at the thought of Alex turning off her phone so she doesn't have to deal with my calls. Therefore, I've been practicing the message I will leave whenever she decides to pick up the phone or when I call her for the tenth time finally leaving a voice message.

Throughout the day I typed out several text messages but never had the courage to send them out. I can't really blame myself, this isn't something I can just tell her. I know she will be mad either way but letting her know over text will only infuriate her more. Knowing Alex, I need to hear the tone of her voice and the way she formulates her sentences to estimate the damage I might inflict on our already strained _friendship_? It's not like I can call it a relationship.

Thinking that a warm bath will help to clear my mind I go to open the faucet. The steamy water fills the tub while I lit some candles and grab a book from my nightstand. I deliberately place my phone on my bed not wanting to stare at it every few seconds while I'm trying to relax. The proximity of the device makes me nervous enough as it is. I close the door and turn off the light. The candles flicker in the dark. I quickly add some bath salt before I shed my clothes and dip my toe into the water. Luckily the water isn't too hot so I'm able to sink until only my head is above the surface.

After what seemed like thirty minutes but were really only ten I realise how stupid it was of me to think that I could survive without my phone. Fooling myself, I try to think that I should go get it so I can play some music to magnify the soothing effect of my current whereabouts. Unfortunately, I know very well why I have the urge to go grab it. Because, what would happen if Alex returns my call? What if she needs me? What if something happens and I'm the only person she can reach?

I'm so fucked.

I jump out of the tub, spill water over the edge, and walk into my bedroom dripping wet. I snatch my phone, make sure that the sound is on maximum volume and play my favorite album on shuffle. There is no way I'm able to miss her call now.

…

"You doing okay Alex?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

After leaving the restaurant I dragged Amber to the bar in our hotel. I read online that they serve Belgian beers for a reasonable price. Praise Robert for choosing this place, if it wasn't for him I would have never had this great opportunity. Not that it really matters how much I spend but it was a good enough reason to persuade Amber into accompanying me. She still isn't fond of the idea of alcohol and me, especially after the bottle of wine we already shared over dinner.

"You already seem a little tipsy."

"You're full of shit." I throw my arm over her shoulder and squeeze the exposed skin to reassure her. It seems to work as I feel the tension in her neck and shoulder diminish.

I throw my hand in the air to gesture the waiter to come over.

"You ladies want a refill?"

"No thanks, we're fine."

"Nonsense, we're only here once. Why don't we make the most of it?"

The waiter agrees with me and soon reappears with a tray with three shots of tequila and two beers he suggested I'd try.

He downs the shot with us and then leaves our table.

"Alex, when we're finished I'd like to go back to our room. I'm tired and would like some sleep."

"You're right babe." The word slips, and I regret it instantly. After Nicky's comment I'm more considerate of my choice of words not wanting to lead Amber on. I've been very clear in the beginning of our _thing_.

…

I stumble into the room just after midnight. Amber is laying fast asleep on the bed. She left the bar an hour before me to go to sleep.

I try my best to be as quiet as possible but seeing the state I'm in I might have to apologise in advance for failing miserably.

When the bar reached closing time, the bartender encouraged me to share a last drink. After several heavy beers those shots really did a number on me.

I'm feeling nauseous so it's of no surprise that the toilet is my first stop. I dry heave but luckily nothing comes out. I successfully stand back up and use my left arm to steady myself against the sink. My right hand is busy brushing my teeth to get rid of the awful smell.

I make it into bed in one piece. Amber rolls over but doesn't wake up. I lay down on my side and listen to the only sound in the room, my heavy breathing.

When thinking of Amber, who unconsciously throws her arm around my side, a warm smile spreads across my face. I'm genuinely feeling content with everything we did today, it feels like a breath of fresh air.

It doesn't surprise me that due to my alcohol intake I'm able to feel calm way sooner than I normally do. Especially since I usually am not able to rest at all. Insomnia can really be a piece of shit. I'm able to sleep peacefully for a while which I'm thankful for. Just when I think I'll have a slow and easy night it happens at a time where I'm unconscious.

It takes me by surprise. Once again.

 _My eyelids flutter open, very slowly. The room is totally dark since the lamp in the corner is turned off. The only visible light is the reflection of the moon that shines through the big window. The trees stopped hitting their branches on the outside walls. The storm finally passed._

 _The first thing I hear when waking up on the concrete floor is the howling wind. It's a high fluctuating tone. I don't remember much after he used the Taser. My body covered in wet clothes feels weak and stiff. I try to move my neck to the side, but it takes too much effort. I'm utterly exhausted, it seems that every ounce of energy that's left is going to waist as my body tries to keep me warm._

 _The calm environment gets intruded by a shrill scream, one that disappears right away but repeats itself quite rapidly._

 _I try to wiggle my hands to free myself off the restraint, but it doesn't work._

 _Another screech appears. Much louder this time. Saying that this one took me by surprise would be an understatement. I recognise it immediately. My impatience grows as I search for release. That's why I cut my hand on the wire when it should have been my hand who cut the wire in two so I can push my body off the floor._

" _ALEX!"_

 _A violent pain pierces through me._

" _ALEX PLEASE!" She screams through her sobs._

 _I want to yell back at her to let her know that I'm here. She needs to know I'm not going anywhere._

" _Piper!" I yell repeatedly against the ducked tape in front of my mouth. "Leave her alone." My muffled voice can't escape._

" _ALEX HELP!"_

 _No. No no no. This can't be happening. This is not how this was supposed to go. He told me he would leave her alone. Please, you can have me. Don't touch her. Please don't. I will do anything. Take me, I don't care what you do to me. Don't hurt her._

" _ALEX!"_

 _Her wrecking sobs resonate through the building finding their way to me so they can accompany my own cries. We always work in sync._

 _I'm not sure how long I lay on the floor crying but at some point my own cries are the only ones left. Hers stopped as soon as the gun was fired and mine increased as soon as her lifeless body was put next to my dying soul. I stare into her blue eyes for several minutes, but not once does she blink. This is torture in its most brutal form. Laying here, hands bound together, ducked tape over my mouth, shivering on a floor all the while looking my dead girlfriend in the eye. It's the ultimate form off killing someone without taking their life itself._

"Alex it's okay, you're fine. I'm here." Amber whispers and holds me in a dead grip.

Her arms and legs hold my body tight against her own. But it's not enough. It's anything but enough. This dream was so unbelievable terrifying, violent and terribly realistic. My lower lip quivers as I relive the scene wherein I look into her eyes. That gut-wrenching feeling continuous on. I try to push her off.

"Alex." Amber whispers once again.

I stretch my arm out. I must be laying in the middle of the mattress seeing as I can't reach my nightstand to put on the light. The dark is scaring me. I try to reach a little further but when I can't find the button or my lamp I panic.

"Let me go." I try to free myself from her grasp.

"Alex." Amber tightens her hold.

"Let me go." I say a little louder. My instincts are kicking in. The room I'm in is definitely not my bedroom and it scares me to death. Soon enough I regain my memory and I remember how just a few hours ago I crawled into bed being so drunk that I was guaranteed a hangover in the morning.

"Alex lay back down. You are going to be okay."

"No, I'm not going to be fine." I whisper more to myself than to Amber.

Amber lays her hand on my cheek. Her gesture should have been comforting but instead it freaks me out.

"Get off of me!" I yell and jump out of bed. Her arms fall on top of the mattress but before she has the chance to get to me I take my phone out of the charger and run towards the bathroom. I lock the door behind me. I search for the light switch and blink a few times as the bright light fills the room. My breathing speeds up just as if I'm running a marathon. A few stray tears run down my cheek. What the fuck is happening to me?

"Alex are you okay?" Amber gently knocks on the door.

With my phone in hand I slide down the door until I'm sitting on the floor. I'm constantly sniffing in an attempt to resist the tears. Soon enough my vision becomes blurry and they fall freely. They run down my cheeks to dissolve in the material of my black shirt.

Amber tries to soothe me but the only thing I'm capable off is bawling my eyes out. I keep asking her to go away but she ignores my pleading. Still, at one point her voice disappears and I'm sure I hear a door opening and closing.

Now that I'm here in the bathroom the nightmare I had to sit through becomes too much. I literally can't stop crying. I can't get my breathing under control and it becomes more difficult to sustain a steady flow of air in my lungs.

This night was the first night where my trauma and recent fears came together.

The grip on my phone tightens and by accident I push on the home button of my phone. Still sniffling I take a look at the screen.

*Piper Chapman – Missed Calls (3) *

I would like nothing else but to say that I don't need her. I would like to pretend that she isn't my lifeline or that I can't see through the pain she caused me. But I can't. After all that we went through the feeling is undeniable. I need her. Piper, I need you.

I type in my password and redial her number. There is only a slim chance that she'll answer but I'll take it. It's better than not trying at all.

Not only am I scared off the image of her dead body or the erupting screams. I'm scared of what will happen now that I've seen it. I'm terrified of what I'm capable off. The urge and possibility to dive into a dark place presents itself. I'm falling. Rapidly.

"Pipes." Another sob erupts. "Please pick up." I whisper.

Nothing happens, the phone rings but soon enough her voice comes through the voicemail. She doesn't pick up.

"Fuck." I can't take it anymore. The pain is too severe. I stand up on my trembling legs and put my ear on the door. There is no sound coming from the bedroom, so I unlock the door and head straight towards the minibar. I take out every bottle that contains alcohol and retreat into the bathroom.

I'm still sobbing as I sit back down. My teeth clamp down onto the cap of a 50ml bourbon bottle and as soon as it is unscrewed I empty it in one go. The bottle lands by the sink due to my strong throw.

I look at my phone but no luck, Piper didn't call back. I make sure the sound on my phone is on before I angrily throw it in the direction of the bottle.

"Fuck you Piper!" The alcohol is running to my head which is no surprise seeing as I wasn't sober to begin with.

Piper left. Amber left. I'm all on my own. Coming back was the most stupid idea I have ever had. No one gives a fuck. I'm such an idiot. I'm a fuck up. No one loves me, I was just too dumb enough to believe it. Maybe I deserved everything that happened. Maybe Piper needed this to get freed from my toxic grasp. She tried to get away at the time when my work was my number one priority. Maybe I should have let her go. If I had granted her the ability to leave nothing would have happened. I would have still been a part of the ring or in prison. I prefer either of those things above the fucked-up shit I had to go through. I'm a fuck up. I truly am.

When the second bottle is empty I break down all over again and am on my way to open the third when my ringtone goes off.

The beats of the generic song catch my attention. I look down in my lap and sigh heavily. I put the third bottle down and know that I have an important decision to make. I can ignore her and pretend I never called her or I can pick up the phone and demand for the help I need.

I reach out to get the device.

When I'm ready to pick up, the phone slips out of my sweaty hands and falls onto a tile. The ringing stops and I wait for a voice message, one that never comes. I pick my phone back up, wipe my tearstained cheeks and push my hair out of my face. It only takes one push of my thumb to call her back.

"Alex." Her voice sounds raspy, like she just woke up.

I can't speak so instead I keep sobbing in silence.

"Alex are you okay?"

I wipe my nose on my upper arm and sniff loudly.

"Alex….Are you crying?"

I'm on alert, wanting to deny everything. I'm well aware that the second I open my mouth she'll know how terrible I'm doing. She knows I'm not a crier, it only happens when shit is really though.

"I can hear your heavy breathing. You don't have to say anything. I'm here."

It takes me a while before I'm able to speak. "I don't want you to leave me."

Piper's breath hitches. "I'm not leaving you Alex. I'm here."

"No you're not."

"Okay you're right. I'm not physically there but I'm on the phone and I'm not hanging up on you."

"You better not." I try to make a joke but instead of chuckling I sob.

My drunk brain takes me back to my nightmare. I remember her lifeless body, blue from the lack of oxygen. "You died." I remember her screaming. "It's something I cannot handle."

"I'm not dying."

"You did die Piper."

"Maybe in a dream Alex but if I were dead I wouldn't be talking to you." She tries to reason.

She doesn't get me, she doesn't understand what I'm trying to say. "You left me."

Silence.

The message got across.

"I…I don't know what to say."

"Me neither." It's true, I really don't know how to do this. The only thing I do know is that I was in dire need of hearing her voice.

"Alex I'm sorry." She finally says.

"No you're not."

She sighs. "I am."

Neither of us speaks for several minutes. The sound of a door opening and once again closing catches my attention.

"Where are you?" She sounds vulnerable.

"Boston." This time I do chuckle.

"What?" Her confusion takes over.

"Can we please skip the part where we have this uncomfortable conversation of how I made a stupid decision."

"When are you coming back?"

As soon as possible. Coming here was a terrible mistake. I thought this is what I needed but I tricked myself into believing that I could escape. I'm so busy contemplating my answer that it takes me a while before I notice the ruffling sounds coming from Piper.

I answer her question with one of mine. "What are you doing?" I try to listen more carefully. "Is that a horn? Are you out on the street?"

"Yes."

"What are you doing out so late?" Her breathing picks up. "Are you running or something?"

"No, just fast walking."

"Don't be stupid Piper. Get back inside, it's early."

"I'm not being stupid." The wind makes itself present through the phone. The sound makes me shiver.

"Being outside at this hour all on your own is pretty fucking stupid. Where are you going anyways?"

"Airport."

"What?! Why?"

"Well, someone I truly care about needs my help and I'm dragging her ass back home so I can take care of her."

"Piper you don't have to do that. I can take care of myself, besides Amber is here."

"I'll stay on the phone as long as I can, I'll be there in a few hours."

When waiting for Pipers arrival I question Amber about the fact that she left me on my own at such a critical moment. She tells me she headed into the hallway and called Diane and Nicky. Neither of the two picked up so she didn't know what to do. I forgive her, knowing that I don't have the right to blame her. She's not my caregiver, she's a friend and I do understand that sometimes it gets though. Although I find it hard to imagine that I would bail while someone I care about is freaking the fuck out.

I inform Amber of Pipers arrival and Amber tells me that she also wants to go back home. She doesn't want to continue the trip on her own, which seems understandable to me.

I use the bathroom to shower for a very long time. I won't catch any sleep anyways, so I might as well try to make myself more presentable and make sure that I don't come of as being drunk. Which I obviously am.

…

Piper holds her word. A few hours later she lands in Boston and heads straight towards the hotel. She picks us up and soon enough we are on our way back to New York.

Our seats on the flight aren't next to each other. We're all three in separate rows. I'm secretly glad because I know for sure that Piper wouldn't hold back with asking questions. I'm not ready to answer. Hell, I'm sure I want her to never bring up what the heck went on last night. I would prefer she forgets, drops me off at my apartment and leaves me alone for a few days so I can recover.

I'm so tired that I sleep through the whole flight. When the air hostess announces the descend I buckle up and mentally prepare myself for the following hours.

After our descend Amber hands me my luggage, still holding her own.

"I'm uh…I'm gonna go. Thank you for taking me with you. If you need me you know you can always call me. Don't hesitate." Amber kisses my cheek and looks at Piper who is shuffling nervously.

Piper finally looks up and receives a rather uncomfortable hug from Amber. Both women haven't said a word to each other.

"See you later guys." Amber waves and walks away.

"So, what now?" Piper asks. "You want to get back to your apartment?"

"Yeah, I'm done for today." I really am. I can barely stand on my legs.

…

It takes us another hour to get back to my apartment. Before I put the key in the lock I turn around.

"Piper, you don't have to stay you know. You already did enough. Thank you." Normally I'm not nervous. On one hand I truly want her to leave but than again, I never do well without her in my presence. So maybe on some level I'm hoping she decides to stay.

Piper lays her hand on my shoulder and squeezes. "I'm not leaving."

I smile gently before I turn my back towards her and unlock the door.

Once we're inside I kick my shoes off, throw my jacket on a chair and walk straight into the kitchen to start the coffee machine.

"You want a cup?"

Piper follows me. "Yeah, sure." She takes her phone out and keeps herself busy for a few minutes.

"Can I use the bathroom?"

"You don't have to ask." I say a little too smugly.

Piper smiles and walks off.

I stare after her. The way she carries her body betrays her. I can tell she's nervous. It's probably because we're both acting as if her coming to Boston is a common thing. Which it isn't.

It's not normal for me to call her in the middle of the night while I'm crying. Sure, I used to call her while being drunk but never ever have I called her being this vulnerable. Heck, I don't think she's ever known me being in this fragile state. It scares me to know she can add that experience to a list.

I take our coffees into the living room and switch on the tv for some background noise. Piper takes longer than I thought she would. By the time she returns I'm already having trouble keeping my eyes open.

"You okay?" This is the first time I ask her that question in the few hours we spent in each others presence.

"Yeah, I'm fine." She smiles. It assures me that this time, it reaches her eyes.

She grabs her cup and leans into the couch, she keeps her distance. For the next fifteen minutes her attention is focused on the tv.

A character in the movie is fucking a pie and Piper snorts while laughing as the scene unfolds.

"Gaining some ideas here Pipes?"

"No!" She throws me a stunned look but soon regains a smile.

It's only when she smiles that beautiful smile that I notice how I called her by her nickname. It slipped out, just like that.

Every now and then, throughout the movie Piper steals glances. I'm sure she thinks I don't notice but she's never been the subtle type. It makes me want to reach out, craving her comforting touch but I know I can't. This isn't any other situation where the two of us are just hanging out in the afternoon. There is much more between us.

When the movie comes to an end my stomach growls. "I'm gonna order Chinese, you want any?"

"Uhm yeah, why not. You sure you don't want to sleep or something?"

"Nah I'm fine. Slept an hour on the plane." I stand up to reach my phone and order mine and Pipers favorite dishes.

When I come back into the living room it's evident that the air shifted. Piper seems even more nervous and whenever she looks at me it seems as if she wants to say something but doesn't dare to.

"You know, I'm not holding you back. If you want to say something than please do it." I sit back down on the couch and look her directly in the eye.

"Alex I – "

"I know something is bothering you so please, just spill." If she's gonna leave me than I want her to tell me sooner rather than later. I can't share a meal with someone who's gonna leave me when her plate is empty. "Just spit it out Piper."

"I'm really glad you called me last night." She talks so fast I almost didn't catch it.

"Yeah well, I shouldn't have." I reposition my glasses.

"But I'm glad you did anyway. I want you to know that whatever it is you can talk to me."

"Thank you." I'm not in the mood to deny anymore.

"You're welcome."

"For…everything. Thank you."

"We don't have to talk about what happened, but I think it would be good for you to talk to someone to get it all out you know. You shouldn't keep it all inside. It's not healthy." Piper looks down at her folded hands laying in her lap. The fact that she doesn't look me in the eye while saying this throws me off.

"Why? Because talking to someone is going to take away all my problems?" Can't she see how ridiculous she sounds.

"No. Of course it won't, but it might make it easier." She tries to take my hand but I throw my arms around my upper body, defending myself. "Can't you see how urgent this is? Sweety, you need help, immediately."

"Don't sweety me." It was a bold move for her to make.

"So…" She breathes in heavily. "since you don't have the energy to take matters into your own hands, which I understand, I took the liberty to make an appointment for you. Mr. Goodwin is really kind and he called me to tell me that on Tuesday he has an opening. I confirmed your appointment, so you can go at ten in the morning and finally get the help you deserve. It wasn't easy to get in but I explained the situation and he-"

"You did what?" I stand up abruptly and throw my hands in the air.

"Alex." In no time she's on her feet and takes my hand.

"Get out." It's a demand.

She looks perplex. "No."

"Piper, I said get out!" I point towards the door.

"No. I'm not going." She stands her ground.

"What the fuck is your problem? Making appointments for me just because it makes you feel good." I emphasize the word _feel_ with my hands.

"Alex that's not what this is about."

"No?" I laugh incredulously. "Then tell me, what is this about?"

"I want…I need to see you get better."

I almost fall for her trap as she pretends to be shy. "You are such a lying, manipulative bitch."

"Alex!" She yells, looking hurt as I curse.

"Fuck it. If you want me to say it, I'll say it. YOU don't get to decide when I'm ready to start dealing with MY shit!" I walk towards the kitchen hoping that it will help me to vent.

"It should be time and you know it damn well. And btw, you disappearing and coming back is as much My shit as it is yours!" Piper traces my steps.

I turn back around and point right at her. "You crossed a line! So get out before I call the cops!"

Piper returns to a normal volume. "You can scream, curse at me, do whatever you want. I don't give a shit about that. But do you know who I do give a shit about? You!"

"Well great for you. Finding that out when it's far too late." I open the cabinet in front of me and take out one of my finest whiskeys and a glass.

Piper ignores my comment and continues. "It's never too late to grow balls and face what's in front of you. It's just you as a person who makes the terrible and selfish decision to bathe in your problems rather than dealing with them head on."

I turn around in an instant. "So now you care? Now you have the time to be in my presence. Where were you before when I needed you?"

Her breath hitches. "I'm here now."

"That's not even close to being enough." I poor myself a drink and take small sips.

"Alex please, let me help you. And if you're so determined to leave me out of it than I will try my best to respect that but please, Al, I'm begging you to at least take Diane or Nicky with you. You need help."

I take another sip before answering. "I'm perfectly fine on my own."

"So that's why I flew out to Boston and had to hold your hand the whole cab-ride back?"

I finish my drink and face her. Anger rising quickly. "That's a low blow and you know it."

"No it's not, it's reality. The one you so desperately try to escape. Tell me Alex, what are you afraid of?"

I take a pause. This whole situation is too much. The alcohol isn't working as fast as I want it to, so I pour myself another drink.

"Should you be drinking that much?" Piper tries to reach for my glass but I'm quick to react.

"What are you, my mother?"

She takes a step forward; her face is only inches from mine now. "No." I feel her breath against my lips as she speaks. "I'm someone who's deeply and utterly in love with you so forgive me if I can't stand around watching how you destroy yourself."

Her words really touch me. They pierce my heart because I know that every fucking word she spoke is true. I'm not fine. I'm not good and it scares me that now she knows that to. The fact that she just confessed how she still is as much in love with me as I'm with her takes my breath away. But just as many other things, it's not enough to heal all the things that are broken down. Love won't erase everything.

She takes a small step back probably wanting to give me some space. "What happened to you Alex?" Her voice is so soft and gentle. It's like she's covering me in healing kisses.

I know I look distressed and shift my gaze to the ceiling trying to hold back another stream of tears. Never in my life have I cried as much as I'm doing the past weeks. At some point I lose it completely and fall apart. Her arms are quick to catch me and she holds me as I try to pick up the broken pieces.

I want to tell her what happened. I promised myself that she would be the first to open myself up to but after the whole Liv thing happened I'm not sure I'm able to. After I calm down enough to speak comprehendible I try to open myself up. "I was fucking…. The fucking…" I can't get myself to say it. The words are stuck in my throat and another sob takes over.

"What Alex? What happened to you?" She whispers in my ear. Her arms are still tight around my shoulders.

I let myself carry away in her hold when suddenly I'm so far gone that I must build another wall in order to protect myself. I push her away from me. "It doesn't matter." I say emotionless and when I look into her eyes I see how much my action hurts her.

"That's where you are wrong, it does fucking matter." She's clearly annoyed.

"I'm not feeling the slightest bit obliged to tell you anything!" I wipe face on my sleeve and grab the counter to keep me steady.

"Then don't. Don't tell me anything. But please do tell the therapist on Tuesday." That hopeful look she throws me can still make me do anything. "Please Alex."

Maybe I should just give in so she can get off my back. It's not like I haven't broken any promises before. She should be used to it by now. "Fine."

"Fine." Piper folds her arms over one another. Her face goes from pissed off to amused in a second. "You are an idiot." She snorts.

I let out an incredulous laugh. Is she fucking kidding me?

She continues. "Everyone in their right mind can see how much you are struggling."

I know it's meant as half a joke or she said it to clear the air but it's not well received. On the contrary, I'm done. I'm fucking done with her. "You didn't."

The accusation is out there, hanging in the air.

She lifts her eyebrows, not believing her ears. "That's totally not the point I was trying to make."

Is she seriously not going to backtalk me after I threw this in her face? "It IS the fucking point."

"Why does it matter to you?"

"Why? Are you fucking kidding me? Are you pretending to be dumb and ignorant because jesus Pipes, I would have never fallen for you if you were this stupid. You wanna know why it matters if and how you think about me? It matters because I love you, you fucking idiot! And I hate you. It all just fucking hurts, so leave me alone and waltz back into the arms of your fucking perfect, glitter glamour girlfriend. I'll go to the fucking appointment, but I don't make any promises of how it'll turn out."

Piper takes her time to let my words sink in. "She's not my girlfriend anymore."

Of all the things I threw in her face this is the topic she wants to address. "She isn't?" I'm trying not to sound too hopeful.

"No." She's quick to answer.

I shake my head. "How convenient."

"We broke up…after our night at The Shack."

"Well…" I push myself of the counter and take my glass. "Good for you." I say as I walk towards my bedroom and throw the door shut with a loud bang. The Chinese delivery is long forgotten.

 **A/N**

 **Once again, I'd like to thank you for your patience and kind words you leave in the reviews. My exams are still tackling me for another three weeks so it might take me some time to post the next chapter. I hope you have a wonderful week! - Alex**


	25. Subtle but obvious

**Chapter 25: Subtle but obvious**

Some might find it slightly creepy seeing how I'm leaning against her doorframe, watching her sleep.

Lately throughout the day, the moments I actually get to see her, her face is scrunched up and full of worry. She does a pretty good job at hiding her distress and misery with her stunning appearance, but just as in the past she can try to cover up as much as she likes, she can't fool me. As if it's written on her face, full sentences of which some are more descriptive than others. The torment and turmoil are projected on every piece of her smooth unpainted skin.

Yes. _Unpainted._ You heard me right.

Her body used to be her canvas. Spoiled with fluent lines and designs defining her inner self, or so I'd like to think. But now those familiar ink patterns are nowhere to be found. There are still some faded dots and parts of what used to be tattooed on her skin but the tribal, the woman, the flames and the roses are all part of her rich and mysterious history now. How I wish I could lift her shirt to search for the saltshaker or pull down her pants to run my hand over that magnificent red flower on her thigh. If they're still there… Maybe they also decided to play a part in whatever went on the past two years.

After last night I'm hesitant of how to approach the situation. I'm still standing my ground and don't have any intention to leave her to herself. Even if it's just to make sure that she stops relaying on alcohol to deal with her issues. She might believe that I didn't notice the way her words slurred on the phone or the smell that came off her as she walked past me to grab her bag from the hotel room.

She used to have the tendency to turn to such poison whenever she needed relieve, but it never got quite this bad. She was always so controlled, she knew what she was doing. But lately, she's lost. She might not see it herself, so she continues to ban certain thoughts or experiences to the background, hoping that something in the universe is able to resolve whatever is eating her from the inside.

 _And eating it is. Slowly. Inch by inch._

I might not have seen it from the start, but I know that every time I left her I noticed how the weight on my shoulders became heavier. As if her touch and expressions piled up rocks on my back. The first time I felt the pressing weight was when I exited the diner. Then when I left her to sort out the boxes she just picked up from my apartment. Or the times I waved her goodbye at VAA. All leading to that inevitable scene, the way my back gave up under the building pressure when I lost her touch in that brief embrace, that one night…the bar.

So now, every time I see her I'm more observant. Looking for signs. Wanting to know that she hasn't given up just yet. Because although I don't dare to speak it out loud, her giving up would be the weight pushing me to the ground. It's my biggest fear. Losing her to the demons clouding her brain…I just can't. Cause Alex is…home. She's my companion, the one I need by my side to lead the way. Loving Alex comes with such easiness, such passion and devotion.

 _I still believe that the second we met she casted a spell on me_.

Knowing all previous things makes me that much more embarrassed of what I did. I tried to unsee it, tried to deny her by filling her place with another kind of love. But it wasn't the same. I wrenched her out of my heart as gently as I could hoping to minimise the number of shards. What a fool I was, convincing myself over and over that I was doing the right thing, that missing her was just a part of some fucked-up process.

She expressed it so well. " _You fucking idiot!"_ Because I was.

I observe her figure once more. She hasn't moved an inch on the mattress. Her steady breathing spreads a warmth inside of me that I haven't felt in a long while. Cause ever since she left it's like I lost my reason for living.

The essence of my being was ripped from my life. I forgot how to be alive. The only thing I could was feel, hoping to somehow recreate her warming touch. Mimicking the way she kissed me or told me how much she loved me.

Her near presence makes me yearn for all such things. I crave her tender and loving touch delivered by her hands, her hips, her lips and cheeks…I want to kiss the soft spot under her ear or reexplore the ticklish region on her stomach. A soft chuckle escapes through my lips thinking about how I could have all those things if I just dare to lay myself next to her.

But I know I can't. Because Alex needs me to be here for her, not for myself. Just as in the past, she needs to lead the way. Cause she's the one who suffered the most, she's the one with the literal scars, the anxiety and the probably more horrifying nightmares.

 _Oh Alex. What have they done to you._

….

She might think I didn't hear the creaking door, floorboards or her hitching breath as she leans against the entrance of my now open bedroom door.

I give myself another couple of minutes to relax knowing that she's in proximity. I'm afraid that if I roll over or let my consciousness known that she'll walk out. Whether because she doesn't want to stay or wants to give me space, it doesn't really matter. I just need her for a second longer, hoping that she heard my earlier pleas, because if she leaves… Let's just say that I'm not ready for her to go no matter how hard I screamed at her earlier to do just that.

I hear her shuffling on her feet. Scared that she might walk out I decide to make my presence known.

"I've never known someone this eager to watch me sleep. Not for more than a few minutes at least." I mumble with my face still half pushed into the cushion. I reposition myself. Now that I'm leaning against the headboard I can take in her whole body in front of me, still leaning. I feel a slight smile appearing on my face.

"Well, they didn't invent a story about sleeping beauty for nothing." Piper uncrosses her arms and puts her hands in the back pockets of her jeans. She smiles warmly.

"What time is it?" My voice is still raspy, just as it always is after I slept.

"Just after seven. You slept through the whole night."

If I didn't know any better, I'd think she appears to be proud that I managed to catch some sleep after the horrible night I had only a day ago.

"I guess I really tired myself out." I yawn and put my hand in front of my mouth.

"Well, something must have gone right seeing as you look a hell of a lot better."

I chuckle. The honesty suits her. Not that she used to be dishonest, but she was way more reserved on telling the truth.

"Thank you." It's not in response to her statement.

She breathes in heavily. It's only now that I see her trembling lip and a lone tear slipping from the corner of her eye. Piper is quick to catch it before it falls completely. "You're welcome." She whispers.

My heart races as I stare into her eyes from afar. I don't know where this is going. I don't know where this places us. True to her unspoken promise, she stayed and didn't leave me to myself. Even after my repeated demands. I'm well aware that due to her current vulnerable state I hold the power to push her away, maybe even for good. Who knows. What I do know is that it would be a stupid thing to do. I don't fear her love or think that the connection we have disappeared along with myself. No, that's not it at all. I'm scared because I know that letting her in will bring me to a place where I must give myself to her. All my fears, insecurities and raw emotions will be placed in her tender hands. I know she'll come to a point where she'll offer me the chance to give it all and I'm scared that I won't be able to handle it.

Even though all those thoughts are crossing my mind it's not enough to turn my back on the wonderful person that's standing in front of me. On instinct I place my hand on the cushion on my left. A silent invite for her to take the place that used to be hers for years.

She's hesitant and takes a small step forward. I push the blankets down, so she can lay down on the mattress whenever she's ready. Whenever she trusts me enough to know that I won't call her out on her wrongdoings or ask her to leave. She takes small steps towards the bed and eventually lays down beside me. She throws the covers over her body. We're now sharing the same blanket, protecting each other from everything that's out there.

We lay in silence, listening to our synchronised breaths. It all feels too familiar so soon enough I reach out and lay my palm on her cheek. Piper closes her eyes and lays her own hand on top of mine. She gently strokes the soft skin of my hand. Slowly she opens her eyes and intertwines her fingers with mine. She leads the way and our joined hands come dangerously close to her sweet lips. She looks into my eyes as if to ask permission. I nod and close my eyes. It doesn't take too long before I feel her lips caressing the same skin she stroked just a few seconds ago.

The intimate moment seems to last forever. The sex we used to have was always filled with lust and passion, fierce want and need. But that's nothing in comparison to the feeling we're sharing now, laying next to each other, for the first time feeling the sparks off our deep love and care for one another. Whatever happened, whatever what will happen to us, I know I will never share with anyone what I share with her.

She moves our hands in between us and moves her body so we're laying face to face. The closeness of our bodies makes my stomach flutter. I'm feeling like a fifteen-year-old, nervous to be kissed for the very first time.

For a second, I think she's going to kiss me but instead she turns around, her back facing my front and pulls herself against me. I'm rapid to respond and push her further into me. Although we're both wearing the same clothes from last night I feel her everywhere. Her strong thighs push into mine. My breasts are crushed against her back. My hand is draped across her abdomen and crawls up until her neck.

I feel myself drifting away, returning to a deep state of unconsciousness. I don't dare to slip before I have the chance to put my hand up her shirt. And so I do, I slide my hand across her collar bone under her shirt until it lands just above her bra. I sigh in a state of bliss as I feel the beating of her heart.

….

"You want some Chinese food?" Piper chuckles and grabs the stuffed boxes out of the fridge.

I finally walk out of the confines of my bedroom. I only woke up half an hour ago, or to be more accurate, Piper woke me up. She repeatably nudged my shoulder. As soon as I rolled onto my stomach and saw her sitting on the covers next to me I couldn't help but feel grateful. She stayed.

"I totally forgot about those."

It's two in the afternoon and my stomach still can't stop growling. That's why I followed Piper's lead and took a long shower to clean myself up. The feeling of fresh clothes was almost as good as the water droplets that previously fell on top of my head.

"Me too. Until the doorbell rang and I heard the guy threatening you to deny all of your future delivery requests."

"What?"

"Apparently it wasn't the first time he had to ring the bell countless of times before someone opened the door." Piper makes a slurping sound while trying to eat a noodle. I never understood how she could eat those cold. Finally she puts it all on a plate and places it in the microwave.

"I must thank you for saving my ass then." I smirk.

"I think you do." The look she throws me does things to me. Especially in a region located in the south, so to speak. I'm sure she didn't even intend to act seductive.

When the food is reheated, she makes two huge piles of food and brings them to the dining table. She hands me one of the plates. It doesn't take too long before the pile is reduced to a splatter of sauce and oil, the only traces of the noodles that were once there.

The whole meal we sit in silence. We sometimes catch one another stealing glances which are followed by polite exchanges of smiles. With anyone else I would feel kind of awkward but with her somehow it brings peace and inner calmness.

Once she's done I pile up her plate and put all our dishes in the sink. It's only then when I see the empty whisky glass beside the plates that I'm feeling proud that at least today I didn't start the day with a drink.

I turn around and walk right into Piper who's holding our drinking glasses. I catch her by the shoulders to prevent her from falling.

"Shit, sorry Pipes."

"It's okay." She smiles warmly.

My hands probably stay a moment too long on top of her shoulders. For some reason I can't seem to move them. My thumb rubs a smooth circle on the material of her black shirt. Well, technically it's my shirt. She's just borrowing it. I couldn't let her walk around in the one she wore yesterday and probably slept in since she stayed over. My stare is fixated on the same spot my hands are still on.

"You okay?"

I lift my head up. Piper is still holding the drinking glasses, her gaze fixated on my face.

"Yeah." I retract my hands and take a step to the side to let her through.

Somehow now the silence begins to weigh on me. I walk straight towards my CD collection and pick out one of my favorites. Soon enough _Pictures of you_ blasts through the stereo.

"Still a big fan of The Cure I see." Piper is suddenly behind me.

"I never heard you complaining before." I tease.

The Cure has always been my go to band. Sometimes I played it on repeat all day or even all night. Piper used to whine wanting to hear other music, but I always stood my ground, wanting her to fall in love with the lyrics and tunes just as much as I did when I was younger.

Piper sways her hips and seems to go down memory lane. I'm too amused to join in. Watching her move and sing along is far more satisfying.

Our interaction almost makes me believe that we're in a club dancing the night away. But we aren't. We're in my apartment trying to hold on to whatever it is that brought us here. It's clear none of us is ready to leave this bubble of subtle comfort. Because it feels good. So _unbelievably_ good. Sadly, it doesn't take away that I do realise that all of this is just make believe. As soon as she leaves I will be alone again, and she'll go on with whatever it is that she does.

She'll leave even though she stayed. She'll just confirm what I already know. And then I'll fall into a black pit filled with anxiety and horror. Again, and again. It won't be long before the nightmares will resurface. Last night was just a breath of fresh air, a moment to breathe. One that won't last forever although I try to hold on as long as I can. So, when it comes, and I jolt awake in the middle of the night all sweaty and disoriented I will be reminded of how she left. Again, and again. Because she will, she'll leave.

" _There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more_

 _Than to never feel the breaking apart_

 _All my pictures of you"_

Piper continues to sing. Since when does she know all the lyrics? She usually makes them up along the way.

"Alex stop." Piper takes a step towards me and lift her hands in my direction but doesn't touch me.

"What?" Her demand confuses me.

"I know what you're doing and I need you to stop."

I fidget with my hands. "I don't know what you mean."

"Yes, you do." Her hands land on my hips and she tries to move my body with hers. "Just be here with me."

I don't speak or move an inch as I try to look at anything but her. I don't want to get accustomed to her touch because that means that later, when she leaves, I must comfort myself by touching my body the same way she does right now. I don't want to be left craving her.

"Al." She whispers.

Finally, I dare to look directly at her. The warm smile she carries sweeps me off my feet. It almost makes me believe that she won't leave. So, I do the only thing I know to do, I close the gap between us and take her lead. She guides me. She holds me.

She lays her head in the crook of my neck. Every exhale touches my delicate skin. Instead of singing she now hums, the vibrations of her throat make me shiver.

Once again, I can't believe how good this feels.

….

Our reconnection eventually ended with a phone call from Nicky declaring that she was worried since neither Amber or me return her calls. She stated that she'll come over hoping that we're already back from Boston. I never told her we came back way sooner than expected.

"Nicky will be here soon."

"I know." Piper has a pair of shoes in her hand and her blue hoodie lays over her shoulder.

"So…" I don't continue my sentence because I don't know what to say. It's not like she _has_ to leave, Nicky is also a friend of her. But I guess she doesn't want to stay seeing how she holds her belongings. I won't send her away. It's her call to make.

"Yeah." She says awkwardly. As if she can read my mind she makes the decision for the both of us and puts her shoes on and walks towards the front door.

"Are you gonna be okay?" Her hand is on the handle, but she doesn't open the door just yet.

"Yes." I nervously play with my glasses.

"You sure?"

 _Because I can stay._ It's what I want her to say. But she doesn't. "Yeah, I'll be fine."

"Call me if you need anything."

I chuckle. "I'm a grown-up Piper. I can take care of myself."

She throws me that adorable annoyed look.

"But thanks anyway."

That answer seems to please her more than the previous one.

"You'll be going tomorrow right?"

"Tomorrow?"

"The appointment Alex."

Then it hits me. "Oh."

"You promised you would go."

It's this precise comment that makes me remember why I was so angry yesterday. Her endearment, her considerate actions are reduced to ash in a split second, all because of this. It makes me question the whole foundation of us. _Us_ being two women who somehow reunited after such a turbulent passing of time.

But maybe all of that doesn't matter. Because what I realise is that if I say no, I'll never hear the end of how I refuse help. Maybe I need to give it a chance. For the fraction of _us_ that is still left.

"Alex."

My silence probably serves as a confirmation to her.

"I'll go." I sound determined.

"You will?" She tries to come off not sounding too hopeful. She fails miserably. It warms my heart to see that she actually cares about my wellbeing. Or so I think.

"Yes."

"Thank you." She throws herself in my arms and squeezes me firmly.

"You don't have to thank me." I breathe in her smell, just in time before she lets go.

"I'll text you the address." She pushes the handle down on the door.

"Alright."

Piper steps into the hallway. "Bye Alex."

"Bye Pipes."

Once the door is closed I realise that I don't know whether she'll be there tomorrow. She probably assumes that after yesterday I don't want her there. That's why I pull out my phone, open our text history and begin to type.

 **[Alex]:** Don't forget to give me my shirt back when you meet me at ten tomorrow.

It only takes one push on the send button to make something happen that can either break me or make me.

….

Once I leave Alex's apartment I get overwhelmed by an enormous amount of relieve.

Relieve because Alex let me stay. Alex and I danced. We shared a meal, a bed, the couch, one of our favorite songs…accompanied by a loving hug. But most of all, relieve because Alex took my help.

I still can't believe that she took the first step in the process to get better. My smile is so big and I'm sure that the happiness radiates off me.

Once I'm on my way back to my apartment my phone buzzes and when seeing Alex's name my cheerfulness flies out the window and get's replaced by pure angst. I surely hope that she didn't change her mind.

I open the text with a heavy heart.

"Omg!" The other passengers on the subway look at me with questioning looks. I surely don't give a single fuck. Not even one. After last night I didn't dare to dream it or even repeat my question. Seeing how Alex answered it without me asking gives me hope. She wants me to be there.

 **[Piper]:** You wish. ;) See you at ten Al.

I send her the message followed by another one containing the details of the address.

When I pocket my phone the movement of my arm causes the shirt to give off Alex's smell. I lift the collar and put my nose under the material, inhaling a deep sniff.

It doesn't take me too long before I'm at my apartment, constantly distracted by her wonderful smell.

Ever since Liv left I thought I'd feel empty, but the opposite was true. My place being stuffed with my things only made it into a more balanced environment. The only thing that would add to it to make it feel like home, a place that welcomes me like no other place, is a certain tall, raven haired woman with bright green eyes who breathes sexiness. God, even though she's suffering from an immense trauma it doesn't change anything about how I perceive her, she's still the person I fell in love with all that time ago. But like I said before, her appearance is her camouflage. It used to be her way to stand out in the crowd, but I guess that now it's a way to fade into the background. Covering up all her emotions. But don't worry, it'll find its way out of her. Whether she shares it with me or Mr. Goodwin. One of us will succeed. We have to. She has to show her scars in order to heal.

Once I'm home I take off my shoes and make myself comfortable on the couch. Normally I would want to call Nicky to share my interaction with Alex. But guessing that she's with her right this second makes it not the right moment to do just so.

Instead I pick up the phone and dial Diane's number. She's the one who got me into contact with Mr. Goodwin in the first place.

"Hey darling, how are you doing?"

"Hi Diane, I'm good."

"That's lovely to hear dear."

"Actually, I think I'm more than good." Although she can't see my obvious joy, I'm certain she can hear it in my voice.

"I can tell. You're sounding cheerful. Care to elaborate?"

"You won't believe it, I certainly didn't at first."

My smile widens so much that my cheeks hurt. I'm so lost in my contentment that I forget to speak.

"Piper, I know I'm golden in figuring things out but I might need a hint here." Diane chuckles.

"It's a miracle. At first she was beyond angry but then this morning she did a complete turnover. She accepted my offer!" I accidentally squeal the last part which makes Diane laugh.

"As much as I'd like to share your enthusiasm I really can't because I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh, right, sorry." I chuckle. "She's going to the appointment with Mr. Goodwin!"

"Alex said yes?"

"She did."

"My god…Piper. I-I don't know what to say. Kid, thank you so much."

"You took the first step, which I'm very thankful for. You just left the hard part over to me." I say playfully.

"I knew you could do it. Alex and I have always had a good relationship but when it comes to these things she never wants to take my advice."

"I'm so glad she wants to go."

" _Wants to go_ might be stretching it. But I'm glad she's going anyway."

"I'm still having some doubts if she'll actually show up."

"Look, Piper. We can hand her every existing tool but she's the one who has to have the will to change whatever she can in this situation. And as you know, Alex isn't one to willingly break a promise. Like it or not she's always had a good reason. Or at least a good enough reason."

"You're right." I tuck my leg under myself and lean against the arm of the couch.

"This reminds me of something I wanted to ask you Piper, have you thought about seeing a therapist yourself?"

"Not really no."

"I think it might be good for the two of you. Alex getting help is one thing but seeing that she isn't the only one suffering from this I think it'd be good for you to talk about your feelings."

"I must admit that after calling Mr. Goodwin I've thought about it but I wanted to wait how the appointment with Alex turned out."

"I really hope that she'll open up sooner rather than later."

"I hope so to."

"Well, Piper, if you want then let me know how it goes tomorrow. Robert just came home so I have to go. Thanks for calling."

"Say hi to Robert from me. I'll call you tomorrow. Have a great night."

"Bye kid."

….

"Chapman and your hot ass slept in the same bed?"

Nicky takes a seat opposite of me. Two empty pizza boxes and used napkins are splayed across the dining table. One of my favorite albums with classic rock songs is playing in the background.

"Yes, in the morning. She was hovering in my doorway."

"Blondie has some serious balls." Nicky chuckles and takes a sip from her homemade cocktail. It's a mystery to me how she can swallow the liquid. The smell is disgusting.

"I guess she does."

"You happy about it?"

"Not really, balls aren't my thing." I wink.

"Those lips of yours scream pussy-licker." Nicky winks back.

I laugh. "You dirty cunt. Been thinking about my lips haven't you."

"Damn right I have. I always miss hearing these filthy words coming out of your mouth."

We laugh in unison.

I've been contemplating the whole night if I should tell her about what will happen tomorrow at ten. At one hand I want to but on the other I don't want her to get her hopes up. Cause what will happen if I decide that therapy isn't for me. Only the thought of me going in an office to talk about my so-called _feelings_ is ridiculous enough as it is. I don't need to talk about things to process them. Okay, I dare to admit that my own coping mechanisms like drinking and escaping aren't that effective, but you can't blame a person to fall back into old habits. Right?

"You okay there Vause?"

"Yeah, just thinking of some stuff."

Nicky finishes her drink and stands up to fill her glass with tap water. She's joining me in the heaven of sobriety. What a shame.

"Like what? How Blondies tits still fill up your hands perfectly."

"Oh god please stop." I pinch my nose.

"Why, it's not like it's a secret." Nicky licks her bottom lip and looks a tad too amused for my liking.

"I only said that after you pushed me to swallow six shots in a row, at my own housewarming for fucks sake."

"Chapman really wasn't happy about that."

I have to laugh and lean back in my chair, remembering how Piper was furious that she had to drag my drunk ass to bed after the party only begun. "I'm glad I wasn't sober enough to see the horrifying look on her parents face."

"Her mom…I forgot her name." Nicky puts her hand on her forehead, thinking of the right name.

"Carol."

"Yeah, Carol! You should have seen her. She was ready to leave." Nicky reaches in her jacket and takes out a pack. "You mind if I smoke?"

"Only if you share." I hold out my hand.

We lit our cigarettes and move over to the couch to sit more comfortably.

"Anyway, what is it you were thinking about earlier?" Nicky takes a long drag and blows out a big cloud.

"She wants me to go to therapy with her tomorrow."

Nicky's playfulness disappears as fast as her next blown out cloud. "You going?"

"I kinda promised it so I guess I have to."

"That's good, really good."

"Is it?"

Nicky turns to me. "It is, trust me. Just give it a chance, that's all you must do. "

I play with the rim of my glasses. I've never been to therapy before, sure I've been to the school counselor on more than one occasion during high school. There was always some kind of stupid shit I pulled. Can't say I was a rule-follower, not in the slightest. I sure do hope that this therapist will do more than sit back, relax and listen to people whining about their life. That's the last thing I need, someone to point out how pathetic I am or tell me that I just have to pull my shit together. If that's the case tomorrow than I'll be out of the door faster than the time it takes for Piper to grab my arm to make me stay.

"I will."

"So I was thinking Vause, are you ready to come back to VAA? I you even want to come back, I mean, I do understand that after the whole Boston thing you might not have the desire to work. I just have to know because there is this huge contract for that new mall they are building, and I wanted to know if I should hire someone new or if I can count on you."

I sigh heavily.

"Hey, don't worry, you still have some time to think about it." Nicky touches my arm.

"I don't know Nichols. If I'm being honest I don't know what I want. Which is scary for me to say seeing how I'm always the one who's in control."

"Maybe you should consider thinking that there's a difference between knowing what you _want_ and knowing what you _need_."

"I'll let you know by the end of the week."

Nicky gulps down the rest of her water and stands up. "That's great stretch. I have to go, Lorna's shift ends in a few. Call me if you wanna talk about tomorrow."

I chuckle. Since when do we call about sentimental shit.

"You know what, judging by your reaction, I'll just call you anyway. I know how much you like to cry over the phone." Nicky blows me a kiss and opens the door real quick.

"You asshole!" I'm too late to hit her with the ice cube I took out of my own glass, so yelling has to do the trick.

When everything is cleaned and I lay in bed, the only thing I've left to do is hope and pray that after tomorrow Piper is done leaving. Even if I leave. Even if I stay. Because even though today may not be eligable to classify as straight up leaving, watching her go not knowing if she'll come back is too hard to handle. So I hope she stays. For me.

For us.

 **A/N**

 **Hey guys, thanks for your support and patience last month. I just finished my exams two days ago and needed some time to catch up on sleep. But I'm back amongst the living now.**

 **Hope that you liked this chapter. I'm not always sure if the pace of the story is to your liking but your reviews help me a lot to figure out if I should change anything/implement some elements so I'm really grateful for that. Although it might seem in this chapter that the storm passed they're nowhere near to where they want to be. So be prepared that not everything will be as pleasant and calm as it was this time around. But I think you and me, alongside our girls, needed some time to breathe.**

 **Have a wonderful week :)**


	26. Because I love you

**Chapter 26: Because I love you**

I look up towards the sky. When I tilt my head downwards I take in all the elements the brownstone building has to offer. I observe the equally paired rectangular windows on every floor. The bay window at the lower level stands out from all the other features. If you were to describe the frontage of a typical shrink's office this would be the perfect example. The finishing touch is the silver placate that comes into vision as I walk up the few steps to reach the front door. Mr. Goodwin's name and profession are engraved in bold big letters.

I'm not entirely sure if I should ring the bell and get in or if I should wait until Piper arrives. We haven't really discussed this scenario, so it may well be that she's already inside. Piper is always the right on time one and I'm more of a 'I'll arrive when it suits me' kind of woman.

It only takes one push on the golden doorbell for the door to buzz and open. As I walk inside it's already clear that this guy won't be an amateur. In the hallway hang several diploma's, all signed with a signature that I learn to be of Mr. Goodwin. Seeing that I'm just in time for the appointment I don't stop to read every single one.

Expecting to be met by a secretary I round the corner of the hall but there is no such thing as a desk to sign up. Instead, I stumble across a half open door, the waiting room. I can make out Piper's figure sitting in one of the chairs. I'm not totally ready and take a left instead of right.

I use the toilet and afterwards take off my glasses and lay them on the marble sink. I splash some water in my face and dry it of with disposable paper. When I reach for my glasses, to put them back on, my phone buzzes and I'm sure it's a text from the familiar impatient blond lady who's probably pissing her pants, hoping that I won't ditch her in the last second.

When I feel strong enough to walk out I open the door and walk into the waiting room.

Piper takes her head out of a magazine.

"Hey Alex." She stands up and gives me a welcoming hug. When she pulls away the relieve is evident on her face.

"Hey Pipes."

I take a seat next to her and take in our surroundings. The room holds two vases with elegant flower bouquets, a table with outdated magazines and four dark leather chairs. All the elements blend in perfectly with the reddish walls.

"I guess you can ignore my text then."

"You thought I wasn't coming?" I smirk.

Pipers cheeks blush. "Can't deny that such thoughts have crossed my mind."

I chuckle and scan the magazine that lays open in her lap. It might be a coincidence, but the title of the article leaves nothing to the imagination: 'How to help a loved one through a traumatic experience.' Piper's eyes follow my line of sight. She closes the magazine, lays it on a stacked-up pile and glances at her watch. She fiddles with the metal, obviously nervous.

"You okay Pipes?"

"Shouldn't I be the one to ask you that question?"

Before I have the time to answer somewhere in the building a door opens. Different sounds of footsteps resonate through the hallway.

"See you next week." A deep voice exclaims before a door closes and footsteps come near the waiting room.

A man walks in. He's nicely dressed in brown dressed pants and a light blue button up shirt. The sleeves are rolled up, giving his appearance a more modern look. His short black hair and stubble make it impossible for me to figure out his precise age but guessing by the few grey hairs I would say he's nearing his fifties.

"Hi, you must be Piper and Alex. I'll be right with you." He walks out and comes back after a few minutes accompanying us towards his office.

It's a spacious room. Somewhere tucked in a corner stands a big dark desk with a computer and several scattered files. The walls are a subtle yellow color contrasting the rows of bookcases made up of the same material as the desk. The big windows add to the spacious feeling and let in plenty of natural light. In the middle of the room stands a dark blue fabric couch facing a smaller copy of the same couch.

"Take a seat." Mr. Goodwin points towards the big couch.

Piper and I take seats on the opposite side of the couch. I didn't intend to let so much space between us, but Piper is the one to sit as far away from me as she can. There's probably a reason for it that I just can't figure out yet. Mr. Goodwin takes a new file out of a drawer, some paper and a fancy looking pen.

"Let me start by introducing myself and then we'll continue with what I have planned for today." He smiles politely. "My name is Patrick Goodwin, but you can just call me Patrick. I'm a psychologist specialized in trauma and PTSD. I've had my practice for quite some time now and many patients have benefitted from my therapy. With new people I always start of with listening to their story and then we'll discuss the right therapy. During therapy there aren't any specific rules but what I'd like to say beforehand is that it is entirely your decision whether you disclose a part of your story. Everything you tell me stays between these walls unless there is reason to believe that you might be a danger to yourself."

Piper crosses her legs and nods her head in understanding.

"Good, now that these formalities are off the table there is a question I'd like to ask."

He tilts his head in my direction and puts his pen to paper, not writing anything yet.

"So Alex, Piper contacted me for an appointment. Normally I only work with people who got a referral but seeing how Diane explained the situation to me earlier I could see that it was better to skip the referral and to start seeing you right away."

"Diane?"

"She's your mom right?" He rummages through his papers.

"Uh yeah. But what has she got to do with any of this?" I look over at Piper, but don't get any wiser by the expression on her face.

"Maybe you can explain the situation to Alex, Piper."

Piper uncrosses her legs and leans towards me. "She asked me to make an appointment so the two of us could go together." She explains calmly.

It takes me a second to respond. "So, if I understand correctly the two of you went behind my back to plan this?"

"It's unfortunate that _going behind someone's back_ has a negative connotation. But I guess you could call it that, although we didn't do it to corrupt you if that's what you think this is."

I roll my eyes at Piper's response. "Great. This is just another plan like the one mom and Nicky put on me when we were trying to figure out how the hell we'd let you know that I had risen. It was like a _save Piper through Liv 101_."

Piper's face grimaces at the mention of Liv.

"We didn't make _a plan_. We just wanted you to be as comfortable as you can. It's not like you hide your despise towards the idea of therapy."

"Yeah well, you shouldn't have. Here I was thinking that mom didn't know of this whole circus."

Patrick jumps in. "Why does it anger you that your mom knows you're here?"

My first instinct is to laugh and answer his question with my usual sarcasm. Like, who the hell is this guy interrupting a conversation he obviously isn't a part of?

I come to senses and remember that someone is paying him to ask these annoying questions.

"Fuck. Forget it." This discussion isn't worth it.

"Alex." Piper's old habits come through. The way she calls my name has to do with the fact I just cursed in front of a so called _professional._

"Oh Piper." I laugh incredulously. "Its my right to curse in here. Isn't it doc?"

Mr. Goodwin doesn't react directly to my question but instead nods his head as he writes down a few words.

When he is finished writing he looks at the both of us. "I suggest that we move on from this conversation. So why is it that you are here today?"

It is clear Piper wants me to answer first so I do.

"Well, my friends think that you could help me with whatever life has thrown at me. So, here I am." My nonchalance seems to irritate Piper.

"That's it? That's all you have to say when someone asks you why you're going to therapy? You're basically suggesting that you're only here to do us a favor."

"Well, I didn't even know there was an us before doc here explained to me that my mom was the one to reach out to him in the first place."

Mr. Goodwin breaks the conversation up before we continue to get lost in this nonsense for a second time.

Piper sighs and takes on another position on the couch. It seems like she can't sit still.

"So Piper, what would your answer be to my question?"

"Well, I'd say that Alex has suffered from major trauma which had a huge impact on our shared and individual lives. I think that we need help to get back on the right track because sleeping until noon to catch up on lost sleep caused by repeated nightmares and drinking an enormous amount of beer and whiskey to fall asleep in the first place won't get us anywhere. In fact, it only results in a downward spiral."

Patrick writes down so much that he may well be taking the time to convert Piper's words into a play. I guess our interactions might be a total success when played on screen.

"Okay, thank you Piper for your input." He seems pleased to have received information he can actually work with.

I keep quiet knowing that the only thing to leave my mouth would be denial or curse words to cover up everything Piper just layed out on the table.

"I think that today it would be good to explore the current situation. Alex, since we're here for you I'd like to ask if Piper can stay or if you would feel more comfortable if she waits until our session is over."

Piper looks at me expectantly.

"It's up to you Alex." For the first time since we stepped food in this office Piper seems vulnerable. Her smile doesn't quite reach her eyes and she finds it hard to look at me. She's preparing herself for the possible rejection.

When she puts her hands on the couch, ready to push her body of its surface, I react.

"She can stay."

"You sure?" Piper asks and finally looks me in the eye. Her blue irises display an enormous amount of hope.

"Yes."

Piper loosens her grip on the couch and sits back.

"Okay good. So Alex, can you tell me something about your life. What does a typical day look like?"

"Uhm. Well I usually stand up, drink a coffee, go to work and then go home to sleep." This right here is why I hate therapy. Having to talk about habits and life in general with someone who than evaluates and overthinks everything makes me extremely uncomfortable.

It seems like Piper wants to jump in. I can almost hear whatever is playing on her mind. She must hate the lack of details and my general indifference.

Patrick observes Piper's impatient behavior. "I'll come to you in a second." He smiles at her and then redirects himself back towards me. "Okay. So when you stand up how do you usually feel?"

"Feel?" I lift my eyebrow and snort.

"A person can feel many things when waking. You can feel full of positive energy, ready to take on the day. Or you can feel as if you hadn't had enough sleep to the extend that you feel as if you don't want to get out of bed."

I glance at Piper. She silently encourages me to speak up.

"I'd say that throughout my life I've always been quite tired when waking up. That's why when I got my own company I usually decided to sleep in."

"How come you were always tired?"

"She always had the tendency to work too hard." Piper says. "She still does."

"That's true actually."

"Okay. But you were always able to fall asleep?"

"Yes. That was never a problem at all. And if it were someone sure knew how to wear me out." Piper slaps my arm and her face becomes as red as a tomato.

Patrick dismisses my comment and moves on. "And how about nowadays?"

I place my glasses on top of my head, so I can rub my eyes. "I'm lucky if I get to sleep at all."

"Can you tell me what keeps you up at night?"

I knew the second he mentioned my sleeping pattern that this is where the outcome would be. It's like standing in front of a crossroad. To my left is an easy exit, stepping out of this room and leaving the building without ever looking back. The aftermath would be me having to deal with a pissed off Piper and possibly losing the progress we made. To my right is a road with visible holes in the asphalt induced by my lies and left out details. This may well be worse than going left as I would have to deal with the disappointed look on Piper's face. So, this leaves me with only one option, stepping over the barrier and continuing to go forward, hoping that this will result in an outcome where I don't have to look back ever again.

Piper shifts in her seat and positions herself in a way that she's able to take my hand. She looks patiently, and I can see in her eyes how she pleads me to take as much time as I need before I finally dare to open myself up for the very first time in what seems to be forever.

I'm sure that five minutes go by. Every now and then Piper squeezes my hand to let me know that she's still by my side.

"Take your time Alex." Patrick says.

"Do you want me to tell him?" Piper whispers.

It's my turn to squeeze her hand. "The nightmares, they keep me awake." My voice is monotone. I'm doing my absolute best to not let my emotions get the better of me.

Patrick hands Piper a tissue after seeing how she gets overwhelmed by her own emotions.

"Are the nightmares always the same?" He continues.

I take another moment to recall all those nights I experienced such horrors. "Not always."

"Are there other things that keep you awake?"

I'm by no means ready to dive into my nightly rituals of pain and despair. "I can't tell you."

"That's okay." Patrick sets his papers aside and sits back. "Are there other things you _can_ tell me?"

I scan the room and my eye falls on several rows of psychology books. Reading the titles makes my earlier doubts resurface. This guy is probably going to continue to ask thousands of useless questions about my life. He can just sit back, relax on his fucking ass and enjoy listening to the chronicles of my ex-drug smuggling lesbian life. And then his job will be what, find something to approve my existence? One that became a total mess since I had to cover up the tracks of my past at the exact same moment I was beginning to get comfortable in my new decriminalised life? How is a guy like Patrick who has all these fancy looking degrees, and probably had everything thrown at him in life, supposed to help me? How is that even possible?

I come from a totally different background. I was the one to buy my mom a house. I was the one to get a degree when I was already way older than someone is supposed to be when studying. I was the one to get into illegal activities to just have the goddamn opportunity to survive. And it all spiraled down to a point that now everything is hard to do, and I don't know how to get out. So please, forgive me that sitting here with two privileged people in a room to talk about _me_ is not something I desire.

"You still with us Alex?" Piper strokes the back of my hand.

"Yeah. Sorry, what was the question?"

"If there are other aspects of your life you want to tell Patrick about."

I wriggle my hand free from Piper's grasp. "Not really."

…

She let go of my hand…

We were doing good. Well, she was doing good. She was letting her guard down. She was really trying. She talked about her nightmares, annoyed me a little, made a joke, she was basically a part of the Alex I know and love. But somehow now, once again she's refusing to cooperate, and I have no idea why.

What I do know is that I must act fast because once she slips it's hard to catch her and Patrick doesn't know that. Alex is building her walls back up. All the signs are there. She's ready to keep us both out, her army is standing in line.

"Why not?" Patrick asks in response to Alex's refusal.

"Why would I?"

"Alex just tell-"

Patrick cuts me off. "Please let her talk Piper." He smiles politely. "Can you explain to me why you don't see the point in talking to me?"

Oh no. A smile creeps upon Alex's face and soon she's throwing her head back and laughing. It's not the adorable kind but the arrogant one that goes along with her know it all personality trait. This is not good. She's probably going to succeed in annoying Patrick to a point that he's going to cancel the therapy and I will have to look for a new therapist. I know this'll happen cause whenever Alex laughed at me like this in the past she reduced me to an angry, cooking, screaming mess.

"Alex, cut it out!" I whisper shout.

"What?" She smirks.

If she doesn't stop I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to keep up my good appearance. Fucking Alex.

"It's okay Piper." Patrick picks his pen and paper back up. "Please speak up Alex."

Alex seems startled, but she takes up on his request nonetheless.

"Well, for starters I'm not too keen on engaging with men. You might as well know that my sperm donor was a _Rockstar_ who was hooked on drugs. The only words he spoke to me were -let's say- things I'd never repeat to my future daughter. He may well be the reason I'm gay, who knows." Alex claps her hands. Her whole posture, her mentioning a daughter and the fact that she's sharing such a traumatic experience with a total stranger are major red flags. But she continues.

"So during the same night my shame for a father complemented my _serious rack_ I met Fahri, the second _man_ in my life. He's the one who turned everything into a beautiful paradise with lots of money, drugs, women and sex. He gave me everything I ever wanted. That was up until two years ago when he became my worst nightmare of all nightmares. See the joke here?" She winks. "And now I'm here, you're _the third man_ who's supposed to be a hero. Your superpowers are _talking_ and _listening_. And somehow you are the one who's supposed to help me? My own flesh and blood couldn't, the one with the millions of dollars couldn't. So why should you?" When she stops her out of character ramble a wave of sadness floods over her and I want nothing more but to protect her. I'm unbelievable dumbfounded by this speech. I never saw this coming and can't be anything but proud that she found the courage to spill such vulnerability.

"Well…" Patrick starts but takes a moment to think about his response. "Thank you for sharing Alex." He does anything but belittle her and I think Alex appreciates that. I think she came here with the expectation that he would look down on her, so I hope she can see how that's absolutely not the case.

"Let me start by saying that I'm not a hero. Never was, never will be. But what I can do is help you to get through the trauma you went through. You mentioned the past two years. Its clear that there lays a certain amount of weight on these two words, it's in the way you pronounce them. And that's okay, but you should be able to lift some weight of, little by little, until you can carry it and live your life the way you want it without being a prisoner to the trauma. Because you deserve it. It seems like you've been through a lot and I think you deserve to get some peace and happiness."

Alex shakes her head.

"Alex, look at me." I lift her chin up so she does. "I love you. Can you see that the two of us want to work with you to get you through this rough time? We're here Al."

Alex's lower lip trembles. She's doing her best not to cry in his presence. "I don't know how Pipes. I don't know how to do this thing, how to talk…How to, you know, deal with things."

It's scares me a bit to see how Alex went through so much different emotions in the timespan of a single hour. And to know that she still hasn't told any new information about her disappearance I can't imagine how she's going to react once she's going to spill what really happened.

"That's why we're here Alex." Patrick says. "So are you willing to take the help?"

"Please Alex."

Alex bites on her lower lip and seems to be deep in thought.

"If you don't want to do it for yourself than do it for us. I want you Alex. I want nothing more but for us to be _us_ again. And I know you do to."

Finally, Alex grabs my hand and nods. "Okay."

"Good." Patrick smiles. "Seems like our time is up for today. I want to thank you again for your honesty and expressing your doubts. This will only work if we continue to be transparent. I propose that we start our first month with meetings twice a week and then we'll take it from there."

"That's okay." I say.

"Fine with me." I'm glad Alex agrees.

Patrick stands up and takes his agenda. He flips through the pages. "How about Friday at four? Is that possible?"

"I'm currently unemployed but how about you Pipes? With the bookstore and all?"

"I'll make sure I can make it." I smile reassuringly.

"You sure?" Alex stands up and grabs my hand.

"Yes."

"Good. I will see you on Friday."

We both shake Patrick's hand and walk out of his office hand in hand.

…

The fresh breeze does wonders. I began to feel claustrophobic and locked in in the office, so I couldn't be happier now that I'm finally outside on the busy street.

Piper stands beside me, still holding my hand. She seems to sense my need for comfort and emotional release. She lets me catch my breath. We both face the other side of the street, watching strangers pass by. Out of nowhere a few droplets of rain fall on top of my head. One blurs my glasses. I take them off to clean them on my shirt. Piper glances at me and smiles. I chuckle in response.

It's nice to feel this easiness between us. To feel that we can still connect, even in these silly moments.

When the air seems to be cleared Piper speaks up. "So, what now?" She dares to ask.

I turn to look at her, smirking all the while. "It's still early, do you have anything planned for the day?"

"I cleared my schedule."

"That's awfully nice of you." I wink.

"Well, that's me." She exclaims. It's cute.

"I was thinking, since it's raining, that we can go grab a bite and then go to the movies or something. There's this indie movie I think you're gonna like."

Piper blushes slightly. "Alex Vause are you asking me out on a date in the middle of the day?"

I chuckle. "I guess I am."

Piper lays her finger on her lips, pretending to think over my offer. I know she's just playing by the way she's smiling, it comes off as being seductive although I know she's not trying to be. Damn her for being so adorable.

"Is that a yes?"

She chuckles. "Of course, Alex. Didn't know you could be so insecure."

"I'm not insecure." I say defensively.

"I'm sure for a second you thought I'd say no." She winks.

"You little shit." I walk with her towards the subway and soon we're on our way to eat.

…

We both drank two cups of coffee and ate a ham and cheese sandwich. The whole time we made jokes, flirted occasionally and just continued to make small talk. I think we both needed things to be easy for a while. Especially after the turbulent morning we had. We still haven't said a word about the therapy session we just had and maybe it's selfish of me, but I wish Piper won't bring it up at all. I don't want it to ruin the easy ride because it's been so long since we've had the chance to be like this.

"Here you go." The guy in the booth hands us the tickets.

Piper and I link arms and walk into the theater. I walk over to a counter and ask for popcorn.

"Seriously Alex? A large? I'm full already." Piper lays her hand on her stomach.

"How the hell am I supposed to enjoy a movie without snacks?" I lay a few bucks on the counter.

"Whatever." Piper murmurs.

I chuckle. Piper may think I don't know her that well, but I sure do. "You're just mad because you know you're gonna eat it, full or not."

"I was trying to keep a steady diet here, but I guess that's out of the window now." She pouts.

"Babe, you look great, you don't need a diet."

Piper blushes once again. She seems to do that a lot lately. "You're full of shit Al."

I don't have time to respond as the woman behind the counter hands me the popcorn.

"Can I also get a large coke please?"

"Sure, right up." She says.

"You really like to get poisoned, don't you?"

"Piper are you gonna continue arguing over my food habits or are you gonna admit that you will be the one finishing both the popcorn as well as _my_ drink."

She shuts up immediately.

"I thought so to." I wink and grab my food and drink before I walk towards the right theater.

Once we're seated I notice that there's only four other people there to watch the movie. They are all in the front row. Piper and I are seated in the second last row. We basically have the whole theater to ourselves.

The light dims, and advertisement fills the screen.

"You okay Pipes?"

"Yeah, I was just lost in thought." She smiles.

"You wanna talk about it?"

She hesitates. "I-I…I'm really proud of you, you know."

"You are?"

"Yes. You opened yourself up to Patrick today and I hope that you will continue to do that. Like I said Alex, you deserve the world."

The way she smiles at me, so reassuringly makes me believe that maybe, just maybe she'll stay.

"What if I don't want that?" This may not be the time or place but I'm afraid that if I don't do this now I won't have the courage to do it again.

Piper seems taken aback. "What do you mean?" She lays her hand on my thigh. Worry spreads over her face.

"What if I don't need the world. What if the only one I need is right here sitting next to me." I lay my hand on top of Pipers, when I see no hesitation I link our fingers. "I want _us_ to Pipes. So goddamn much."

The lights go out. My timing was terrible. Piper squeezes my hand and instead of answering she lays her head on my shoulder, finding comfort in my touch and warmth.

…

When we walk out of the theater the clouds are gone and the sun shines through.

"Want to take a walk along the river?" Piper asks.

"Sure."

We walk twenty minutes until we find a bench that overlooks the water. I take halt and sit down on the wooden surface.

"Come sit Pipes."

"Okay."

Piper shuffles closer, our thighs and shoulders touch. Once again, she lays her head on my shoulders and sighs out of contentment.

I begin to overthink the whole morning, of the reason I asked her to stay during the therapy and I come to the realisation that if I want _us_ to happen I must open myself up. And maybe now is the time. Something shifted since I spoke my mind in the theater. I might as well just take the leap. I take a deep breath before I open my mouth. It's a mystery to me were all this new-found courage comes from. "Cambodia." I say softly.

"What?" She says equally as soft.

I can't hold myself back and kiss her forehead. Because I know that I'm going to let her in, slowly. She opened a crack, I don't know how. But somehow, she did it. So, I need to show her affection because once she learned what I had to do I'm scared she might run. Why is it that once I think about Piper an overwhelming amount of fear about her running off and leaving is the only thing that takes me over?

"Alex?" She whispers as she lifts her head and looks at me. She lays her palm on my cheek.

I clear my throat. "I was in Cambodia."

Her thumb strokes my skin.

I look into her eyes as I continue. "I tried to get on the flight and…" I gulp. "They pulled me out of the line. They hurt me Pipes, they hit me on the back of my head. There was all this blood and I couldn't see because my glasses fell off. It seemed to be happening in slow motion. I did my best Pipes, you need to believe me, I tried, but my eyelids seemed to have a will of their own. They…just fell shut. And there was nothing I could do." I'm glad my voice didn't crack during my speech.

"Shhh…Alex. It's okay." Piper kisses my cheek and puts her forehead against mine. "It's okay. You're safe now."

"I wanted to contact you. The only one I wanted was you." A lonely tear slips from the corner of my eye. Before I have the chance to do something about it Piper kisses it away.

I'm glad it's the middle of the day and everyone is off to work. Other than a few joggers there is no one here.

"I kept thinking about that morning. How I stepped into our bedroom for the last time. You were fast asleep, and I kissed you on your cheek and thought about how beautiful you looked. I thought back to how I said to you how I would see you in a few days. We all know how that turned out, a few days turned out to be two years."

"It's okay Alex." Piper kisses my forehead and then looks at me.

"You can't say that Pipes, it's not okay."

"I just meant –"

"I know what you mean Pipes. But it's not okay. Because do you know what happened? All of this made me question if you would even love me if I came back. I had to convince myself over and over that your anger wouldn't take over and that you would still want to be with me. I imagined how it would feel to hear your voice, to have your lips on mine, to feel your hands. And then I saw you with Liv. Pipes I needed you. I still do. I want _us._ Because although I won't put words in your mouth and say how you feel I can still feel it. This, us. Pipes, I…I."

And then her lips are on mine. Those sweet ever loving, soft caressing lips. Her slow and soft kisses are a reassurance, a promise that she won't run away. A promise that she still loves me. Through her touch she tells me that she's awake, she's right here, connected to me. All the while her lips are on mine she throws her arms around me and I'm fast to return the gesture. I'm coming home, her taste resembles scented candles. Everything about her feels familiar. I'm falling, faster and faster. But this time it's the good kind of falling. I'm falling in the arms of the one I love.

Way too soon Piper pulls away to take shaky, shallow breaths. I can't take the distance and pull her closer to me. This time I take her head in my hands and start with little pecks on her lips. These grow out into hungry kisses and my tongue brushes her lower lip. Piper moans into the kiss and opens her mouth slightly. Her tongue peeks through the gap and meets mine. We both sigh heavily, we're in heaven. Our tongues brush against each other in slow, short strokes. Her taste sweeps me off my feet every time. Soon it becomes too much, and I need more. I need all of her. I tilt my head a little to the side and open my mouth wider. I push my tongue through her lips and she takes my lead. I explore her whole mouth. We get lost in a fiery, passionate kiss. I couldn't care less about strangers passing by who're seeing two women displaying such physical relation outside. They don't know wo we are and where we come from.

Piper throws her arms around my neck and pushes my chest against hers. Pushing me closer. Her breasts against mine is an out of this world feeling. When she pulls away she gives me a final peck on my lips and puts her forehead against mine. We both chuckle and laugh.

"I hope that was okay."

"Idiot." I joke and give her another kiss.

"A lovely idiot." She corrects me.

"An idiot I'm in love with." I wink.

"You're so sappy Al."

"Shut up and say it."

She takes my head in her hands and looks me in my eyes. Her face becomes serious. "Alex Vause. I love you. I never stopped loving you."

We share another kiss and sigh in contentment. Piper repositions herself and this time I put my head on her shoulder. Our hands lay linked in her lap.

"Can I tell you something Alex?"

"Yeah." I close my eyes and savor the moment of hearing her golden voice.

"Do you remember that picture of the two of us that used to stand on our night table? The one where you're giving me a kiss on my cheek?"

"Yes?" I open my eyes and stare at the scene in front of me. I have no clue of where she's going with this.

"When you were gone I took this picture to a photographer and got it enlarged, I hung it between the walls in between the windows in the living room. That way, every time I was home I could talk to you."

"Pipes I –"

"Even when I was with Liv it took me a whole time before I could take it down. But eventually I did. The only picture I never removed was the same one in the bedroom. On my night table. Because I couldn't Alex. You were always it for me. That's why I only started dating when you were nearly two years, well, _dead_."

"You waited nearly two years?" I lift my head up.

"You think I would jump on the next moving object I came across of?" She raises her eyebrows, trying to mimic my trademark, she fails miserably.

I chuckle due to her failure.

"Did you date anyone else in these two years?" She asks shyly.

I shift my gaze to the ground.

"Sorry, stupid question, I shouldn't have asked." Piper pushes her hair over her shoulder.

"No it's fine. I didn't have anyone, not that I would have if I could. Like I said, I was doing my best to get back to you as soon as I could. I thought that was obvious through my writing."

"The letter." She says softly.

"Yeah." I breathe in. "The letter." I breathe out.

"I wrote letters to you to."

"You did?" A smile spreads across my face.

"They're in a shoebox underneath my bed. I thought that if you ever came back you could read them, if you wanted to."

I grab her shoulders. "I would want that. But I might need a little time."

She smiles widely. "You would?"

"Yeah."

She leans in slowly, to give me time to back out. She's so silly, as if I would ever deny her a kiss.

I trace her steps and smile against her lips as soon as they brush against one another. It's a short kiss but one full of love.

Piper pulls back. "Want to get out of here?"

"Very much."

 **A/N**

 **Hey everyone. I think we can all say that we're proud of Alex here. She finally took a step to open herself up. I wasn't really planning to let this happen, but it just did. Have a wonderful weekend.**


	27. Rediscovery

**Chapter 27: Rediscovery**

Neither of us speak.

The direction we're taking isn't discussed beforehand, it's just us walking hand in hand on a busy sidewalk surrounded by hasty people. The sky is still blue, and I'd take a bet that the passing clouds won't return to pour their hearts out. They're by no means ready to treat us with another torrent.

As we're walking in silence it's becoming clear that this path is leading us to new beginnings. A fresh start. The end of the trail, a vague blurred out destination, is neither of our concern. We're both here with the same goal in mind. It's the glowing rocks on top of the soil that we must walk on with our bare feet that remind us of the unpredictability of the path that will lead us towards a life in which we're able to live with each other instead of next to one another.

Although I'm happy that in this moment Piper is trying her hardest to prove she ain't leaving it's still clear that we're not fully in this as a team. There are too many unanswered questions and heart filled discussions with unfiltered emotions. Too many unspoken words that can change the whole purpose of our rekindled love. Too many nightmares that can scare off the one constant that has been able to bring a shed of light into my deepest and darkest thoughts, even on the days I was a blink away from giving up for good. But she's given me hope. If we push ourselves in the right direction, allowing one another the time and space to heal, maybe we can crawl out of this seemingly endless dark tunnel.

Piper seems to be as deep in thought as I am until we round a familiar corner and she squeezes my hand.

"This is me."

It's a statement. No hesitancy, no question mark, no invitation. Just a simple fact.

I know it's only a little over 5pm because when we left to start our walk back, I checked my phone. Her words make me shudder. Deep down I genuinely believed that we would be spending the rest of the day together, probably hanging out on a couch, ordering take out or whatever. Maybe going to a bar or sharing a dance, it's not like I give a rat's arse about what we'd do, as long as she'd stay. Or she'd let me stay. But maybe I have been expecting too much, maybe Piper needs a moment to herself to process everything that she's learned today.

"I was thinking of a big salad." Piper let's go of my hand and rummages through her purse.

"What?" Being puzzled, I grab the rim of my glasses and push them further up my nose.

She pulls out her wallet. "I got enough cash. Let's go."

"Where to?"

Piper already started walking but turns around when she sees I haven't moved.

"Have you been listening to anything I said?"

I chuckle and know I must look guilty.

Piper walks back up to me and places my glasses on top of my head. "Well _gorgeous._ " She seems to be amused. "Since you already ate an unhealthy amount of fat and sugar, I suggest we nourish this body of yours with substances much healthier than before. Especially since I want none of that earlier crap to enter my apartment." Piper turns on her heel and strides away.

All my earlier doubts fly right out the window as I catch up with her and we head towards her favorite whole foods market.

…

To say my self assembled salad was a success is an understatement. I thought there might have been some left overs for Piper to take to work in the morning, but the beast inside of her has been awoken and she can't stop eating.

"This is so good." Her mouth is still half full as she takes another bite and moans. It's adorable to see her in this blissful state.

"You might want to take it down a notch with the vinaigrette, the no fat zone rule and all." I lay my fork and knife on my plate and sit back with my glass of water in hand enjoying the view of a glowing Piper.

"Oh shut up Alex, you had your popcorn, let me have my seasoning."

"Seasoning?" I chuckle. "I don't think that half a liter of olive oil and mustard counts as seasoning babe."

Her eyes grow wide and it seems like she's having trouble containing her wide endearing smile.

"What?" My eyebrows raise.

Piper shews on her salad and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand before she speaks up. "You just called me _babe_."

"And? I'm sure I've done it plenty of times before." I smirk.

"Probably, but it's the first time I noticed." Piper pushes her plate aside and takes on a more comfortable position in her chair.

"Does it bother you? I mean, we're not really, you know." I smile nervously. It's kind of pathetic seeing how I act under these circumstances. She never really used to make my stomach turn into a knot.

"Not in the slightest." She answers rapidly.

"Good, cause I know we haven't really discussed what this is." I say all the while staring at my hands.

Piper doesn't respond but when I look up it's as if she can see right through my insecurities. As if she's here to set each and every one of them straight.

"We should uhm clean up." I stand up and gather the dishes. My nervousness takes its toll. It's not in my nature to walk away but it's this undefined relationship between us that's making me insecure. Although we shared a steamy kiss, I'm not completely sure if it's okay for me to touch her whenever I want or to use all her previous terms of endearment.

My words weren't enough to gain a reaction, but my movement causes Piper to leave her chair. She walks up to me and soon her hand grabs my arm.

"It's okay, we can do them later." She shuffles closer, takes over the plates I'm holding and puts them back on the table.

"Shouldn't we do them first? I kind of hate it to have to scrub off dried up sauce." I ramble.

Piper pushes the hair out of my face. "You have some fucked up priorities, _my love._ " She winks and leans in. "Besides, I have a dishwasher these days."

Her intentions aren't completely clear to me but when her thumb subtly brushes over the material of my shirt it becomes clear she's in need of affection and I'm not one to deny it.

"Is that so." Hearing her use of the term _love_ gives me an answer to my earlier doubts. I regain confidence and try to regain control by taking her head in my hands. "How multifunctional is it?" I whisper against her lips.

Piper laughs wholeheartedly. "Pervert."

Her radiant smile sweeps me off my feet.

The attraction between our lips is immediate, like two opposite poles who can no longer deny the underlying attraction. I was planning for this to be a short kiss, but it seems that Piper isn't ready to let me go. She wraps her arms around my shoulders and pushes herself flush against my front. She tilts her head a little to the side and grabs a fist full of my long black hair. She pulls a little harshly, but it doesn't hurt in the slightest. A warm feeling spreads through my body when feeling how she's using me as an anchor and tries to kiss away all my insecurities.

My hands wander and land on her lower back to rub up and downward strokes. All the while our tongues rediscover each others' mouths.

One of her hands reaches lower and finds the hem of my shirt. In any other situation I would love nothing more but for this to escalate and for us to take the time to worship each other's bodies, but I know I can't. Her fingertips slide under the light cotton material and travel upwards. She crawls up my bare skin leaving meaningless patterns until her fingers land on my shoulder blades, when they eventually reach the top of my shoulder and her arm is completely under my shirt I freeze completely. Piper is still kissing me, moaning in my mouth while I'm standing still holding her in my arms letting her explore my lips and tongue. Luckily, before she has the chance to notice something is off my phone rings and I jump out of her arms.

"Shit. Sorry." I walk up to my jacket and rummage through the pockets.

"Bad conscience?" She jokes but sees the stressed out look on my face and lays her hand on my shoulder to comfort me. "It's okay Alex." Piper is still panting heavily due to our passionate kiss.

"Nicky." I show her my phone and begin to feel normal again, letting go of my earlier emotions that flared up during our kiss.

"Let's hear what she needs." Piper smiles and guides me towards the couch. She sits down next to me as I put the phone on speaker.

"Yo Stretch!" I can barely make out Nicky's voice, the background is filled with loud music. "You promised me you'd call after your therapist appointment but seeing how you didn't, I'm gonna take a wild guess and say the aftermath was more than successful."

It takes little to no effort to visualize the smirk on Nicky's face. Since Nichols isn't too far off from the truth Piper and I share a knowing look.

"Where are you? I went by your apartment, but you weren't there."

Piper leans downwards and speaks into the phone. "She's with me."

Nicky chuckles. "Ah Blondie. How nice of you to join us!"

"Nicky where the hell are you?" Piper asks.

"I'm at the Shack with Lorna, you guys wanna join us? That way you can tell us all about your reunion at the doc's office."

"I don't know if Piper's up for that Nichols."

"Off course I'm in!" Piper exclaims but soon takes my hand when she realises that I may be the one who isn't ready to go. "You know what Nicky, I still have some work to do, how about I see if I can find someone to do it for me and I'll text you later if I can make it."

"You better come Chapman! I've missed you guys."

…

"Blondie! Blondie! Blondie!" Nicky yells repeatedly.

She is a little too enthusiastic to see Piper down her third shot for my liking. Either she has a habit of forgetting how much of a lightweight Piper is or she takes enjoyment in knowing I must deal with an excessive amount of vomit later tonight. Since it is Nicky, I am guessing it is the latter of the two. She is such a generous friend.

It did not take too much convincing from Piper for me to accept her offer to join Nicky and Lorna. As soon as Nichols came with the proposition it was clear that Piper was ecstatic and could not wait for all of us to be together again just like in the old days.

"Phew! That was a strong one!" Piper slams her shot glass on the table and nibbles one a slice of lime.

"See that Vause, instead of moping around maybe you should take her lead." Nicky smirks.

"And end up next to her on the bathroom floor, no thanks. At least one of us should be a responsible adult." I promised myself that I would take it easy tonight and I couldn't be prouder that I'm succeeding.

"Thanks for the confidence babe." Piper nudges my shoulder. "Btw, weren't you the one a few days prior who had to do her absolute best to walk a straight line in order to come off as sober to be allowed to board the plane?"

"As if she has to put an effort into that sort of thing. Vause can flirt her way out of everything." Nicky rolls her eyes.

"Hey! Don't you dare roll your eyes, it's come in handy on several occasions in the past." I wink at Nichols and the smirk on her face speaks volumes.

"What is going on here?" Piper switches her gaze between Nichols and me.

"Yeah Vause, what's going on here?"

"Believe me Pipes, you don't wanna know." I give Piper a kiss on her cheek to get out of this conversation.

"Nuh uh _Vause_ , you ain't getting out of this. Tell me, what kind of situation did you have to flirt your way out of?"

As an angel from heaven Lorna spreads her wings and flies our way, metaphorically speaking. She encourages all of us to join her for a dance. Piper whines not wanting to let go of the earlier conversation but eventually she holds her hand out and drags me out of the booth.

After half an hour of dancing Piper wants another drink and we all return to our table. We're all out of breath and order drinks. Nicky decides for all of us to ditch the alcohol and to stick with soda for the remainder of the night. Neither Piper or Lorna question her action so I'm certainly not one to complain.

"You know guys, I'm really glad to see the both of you together again." Lorna expresses her happiness. "It was heartbreaking to watch how much you where hurting, not being able to be together. I hope this evening will be the beginning of all of us to spend more time together again. It has been far too long."

"Yeah that's true, we really missed the Vauseman lovers' quarrels."

"Vauseman?"

"You never heard Nicky call us that before?" Piper asks.

"You did?"

"I think it's cute." Piper's smile captivates me.

I throw my arm over her shoulder and kiss her on top of her head.

"We missed you too guys." I say.

"Just know that if there is anything we can help with, you can always come to us."

"Yeah Chapman, if Alex is giving you shit for no reason, I'll kick her ass. I'm only a phone call away." Nicky winks.

"Hey! Aren't you supposed to be on my side?"

And so the evening evolves into hours filled with shared laughter and banter. All toasting and celebrating our reunion hoping that this will set the tone for our future.

…

"See you guys soon!" Lorna and Nicky wave us goodbye.

I'm putting on my jacket and walk out of the door. I put my hands in my pockets, I wasn't expecting it to be so cold although it is a little after midnight so I shouldn't have been too surprised.

Piper appears next to me and zips up her own jacket.

"I should probably get to sleep. My alarm is set early to catch up on pushed back orders."

I smile politely. I'm not too happy with the thought of her leaving but I knew it would happen eventually.

"You probably should."

We both chuckle and it's clear that neither of us has a clue of how to make this day come to an end.

"I guess I'll see you around then." Piper's shyness makes me step forward.

"Hey Pipes?"

"Yeah."

"Would you want to spend the night at my apartment?" I wasn't really planning on asking, I just sort of blurt it out.

"Ow, look Al, it's not that I don't want to but… are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Why wouldn't it be?" I know I shouldn't be pushing her, but I can't help it. I've been alone for so many nights and I just can't handle it anymore.

"I don't know." She whispers.

Piper stares at the pavement and it's clear my question opened up a wound. I take another step towards her and lift her chin.

"Pipes, you okay?"

There's a storm brewing in her eyes. The bright blue color from those otherwise light irises dissipates.

"I don't want you to wake up next to me only to realise you've made a mistake."

I see the pain in her eyes. How it has probably been there for quite some time. Only now am I able to see through the façade she has pulled up in order to protect me. I've been so busy shielding myself from the possibility of another heartbreak or the mere vision of her leaving that I couldn't see how she has been standing next to me experiencing the same emotional pain. Blaming her is by no means justified since she's made it clear on several occasions how the evolving circumstances have not only totally destroyed my life but also hers. This raw emotion that's seeping off her is somehow strangely reassuring in the way that I now know that I don't have to be afraid of verbalising certain emotions or thoughts cause I'm pretty sure she's experienced them too.

Since I know that a simple, _I love you_ won't be enough to take away her insecurity there is only one thing left to do.

"Please stay."

Her lips meet mine in a tender kiss.

…

"Is this shirt okay?" I open one of my drawers and take out a dark grey shirt that's slightly too big.

"Yes, it's perfect Al."

"I left you a towel on top of the sink in case you want to take a shower in the morning or even now. Feel free to do as you wish." I walk around my bedroom with two toothbrushes in hand and am doing my absolute best to act as the perfect host. My nerves are getting the better of me.

"Al?"

"Yeah."

"You're making me seasick."

"What?" I yell from inside the bathroom. I check all the items for a second time and when I fail to hear any noise coming from my bedroom, I stick my head through the door. "Did you say something?"

Piper sits on my bed and is struggling to get out of her jeans. She already put on my shirt and when I glance to the side my heart skips a beat when her bra lays in plain sight on top of my bed.

"Could you maybe give me a hand?"

I chuckle and take the end of her jeans in my hands. It takes one forceful pull for it to come off. She almost lands on her back.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

Piper blushes immediately when she catches me staring at her long bare legs.

"I'm gonna brush my teeth." She stands up with a swift motion.

While she's busy in the bathroom I use my time to switch into a black shirt and equally as dark shorts that reach my mid thighs. When Piper re-emerges from the bathroom, I step inside to brush my teeth. Soon we both lift the red duvet cover and lay down on my soft mattress.

Piper sighs in total bliss. "Mmm, this certainly feels like heaven."

"My mattress? Or laying here with me?" I question playfully.

It makes her roll over on her side. I turn my neck in her direction and take in the form of the beauty laying next to me.

"Hey Al?"

"Yes Pipes."

There is a slight hesitation in her voice before she asks her question. "Will you be my big spoon?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

Throughout the whole night we hold on to each other's bodies. Her gentle arms hold on to mine as my strong grip leaves enough room for her to breathe. With my nose pushed into her long blonde locks I fall asleep. She's like a shield protecting me from the nightmares that normally lure at night.

…

When I wake up, I stretch my arm over the mattress in immediate search for Piper but am met by a soft cushion instead. I focus on the noises in my apartment and try to figure out their source.

I recognize the noise of the running faucet in my bathroom, it makes a high-pitched noise whenever it is opened. When Piper turns it off it only takes a couple of minutes before the mattress next to me dips.

The feather light touch of Piper's hand lands on my back. She rubs the space between my shoulder blades and runs her hand downwards, up until my middle. The lower half of my back is exposed. I feel the hesitation in Piper's hand deciding whether she'll touch my naked skin, eventually she decides to continue her path back upwards and repeats her gesture.

When I turn on my side her face comes into full view, the desire in her eyes is undeniably present. It spreads like fire through her body. As soon as my hand touches her wrist, I feel the burning shudder that stirs up her inner flames.

"Piper." My voice is deep and cracks a little, totally not surprising seeing as I just woke up.

Piper's gulp is visible. Her eyes wander down and when they land on my lips her breath speeds up.

I know that I promised myself that I wouldn't do this. That we need more time, that she's just hurting and is falling in this pattern of familiar comfort but seeing how she's reacting to this simple touch is making the throb between my thighs unbearable. I can't help but long to get lost in her eyes or on the miles of skin that scream in need of a fast rediscovery. The fact that she's wearing one of my shirts and a pair of panties don't really help my case. All of this brings back vivid memories of a world full of short intakes of breaths, endless moans and high-pitched prayers consisting only one name, all escaping through those thin rosy lips.

"Alex." The way she licks her lips after the syllables left her mouth pushes me over the edge.

Slowly I lay my hand on her hip and encourage her to lay down beside me. She sinks down into the mattress and scoots closer, our noses touch.

"Are you sure?"

Instead of answering Piper takes my hand off her hip.

"Are you sure?" She repeats my question.

I nod.

With her hand covering mine she makes the unthinkable happen. My hand lands on top of her breast, my thumb covers her erect nipple perfectly. I brush back and forth and she moans quietly.

Piper lets go of my hand and there is no hesitation when I take this opportunity to cup her full breast in my eager hand. I roll her nipple between my thumb and index finger, which earns me an even louder moan.

"Alex." Piper leans forward and dives in immediately to push her lips against mine but I'm quick to push my head to the side and receive a low grumble in response.

Instead of granting her wish I push my hand underneath her shirt. Our cheeks brush against one another and just when she's about to whine I grab her bare breast in my hand and begin to massage the eloquent skin. Her breasts are small but perfectly shaped with defined nipples that scream to be soothed under the touch of my tongue.

"I've missed you." The pad of my thumb traces an insufferable slow circle on her nipple which immediately makes Piper write underneath me.

"Al." She says huskily. The intensity of her gaze skyrockets.

I have every intention to get her to the high she's chasing but first I want her to reexperience all the fire and passion from before. I want her to reach the brink over and over without falling apart, multiplying the effect for when she eventually does fall into this overwhelming ecstasy.

"It's okay. I've got you."

Piper lifts her back which makes it easier for me to get rid off her shirt. When I eventually pull it over her head her hair falls all over the place and I must push it out of her face before I can finally push my lips onto hers. Piper didn't see this coming but gladly opens her mouth for me to push my velvet tongue inside. I reposition myself and lay myself fully on top of her, I've never felt anywhere as safe as I do on top of her.

With every passing second, I make sure to show her how much I love her. She's the only thing that matters to me, so I continue to touch her. Those lips, her earlobe, her collarbone, the side of her breasts, the peaks of her nipples, the underside of her breasts, the middle of her stomach, her bellybutton, her hips and all the way back to her head until I'm back to her lips and occupying her mouth until she's out of breath. My kisses become harder, deeper, much more demanding.

"Alex." She moans and gasps for air.

"I want you Piper." I growl.

"Oh my god." Piper thrusts her hips into mine and positions one of her legs in between mine. Slowly she draws circles on my thigh.

"Can I have you?" I take her earlobe between my teeth and lightly suck on the soft skin.

Piper continues to moan but doesn't give me a clear answer.

"Piper." I chuckle.

"What?" My teasing flares up her annoyance.

I kiss her chin.

"I wanna ravish you."

Her jaw.

"I wanna lick you."

Her ear shell.

"I want you."

My hot breath on her neck and tender brush of my lips makes her completely crumble under my touch.

"Alex." She moans. "Then take me. Please." The rotation of her hips becomes more urgent.

I don't waist anymore time and am fast to remove her panties. With the tips of my fingers I trace figure eights on the inside of her thighs, preparing her for what's to come. I know the anticipation is killing her, but I want her to experience it all. When my hand reaches the haven between her thighs, that warm and damp spot she grabs my arm.

"Wait." She breathes heavily.

I immediately let go of her and put my hands on the mattress on both sides of her body and lift my own.

"Shit sorry Pipes, did I do something wrong?" I inwardly curse at myself.

"No Alex. I wanted everything you were doing." She puts her hands on my cheek and pecks my lips.

I release a breath I didn't know I was holding.

"I just…I also want to touch you." Piper grabs the hem of my shirt and tries to lift it up. "I want to feel your body on mine when you make love to me."

I take her hand off my shirt and bring it up over her head.

"There is plenty of time for that later but first, let me pleasure you." I try to bring her back in the mood by claiming her lips. I take position between her thighs and rock my hips against hers.

We lose ourselves in the moment. This bond full of romance and love refuels our minds and souls who finally, after so much time, find each other again. And so this shared experience acts a soothing mechanism, a way to make every horrible past experience a bit more tolerable because we're able to share everything. Every touch, every moan for more, the hunger, the pure need for release make us feel that much more alive than ever before.

Every whimper Piper makes when I push inside of her an inch further acts as one more passionate memory that can help me to fight the demons from my past. And so, I continue to build my army. My kisses become rougher. Her wetness is completely smeared on both of her thighs and hangs as natures best lubricant on my slender fingers as I push in and out. I rotate and curl my fingers upwards to give her some extra friction and it's of no surprise that she appreciates my efforts.

When I feel she's almost there I take my fingers out and place my hand on top of her folds and rub the palm of my hand on top of her wetness. Soft up and downwards strokes. Of everything I can do to her I find this to be the most erotic sensation, my hand on her most sensitive spot. I let my thumb wander off to draw circles on her clit.

Piper grabs my shoulders and pushes my shirt aside to bite with full force in my skin.

"I'm –" She moans.

"Let go." I whisper in her ear.

Her legs become restless and she pushes her hips of the mattress to gain more friction. I lock my hips in place to keep her down. I know she needs one final stimulation and so I keep my thumb on top of her clit but push my middle finger through her folds to enter her. One push in, another out, and back in.

"Ugh!" What follows are grunts and exclamations of my name. She keeps moaning as I slow down my ministrations, but my hand never leaves her, somehow, I don't want to let go of this connection we just build. The aftershocks of her contractions around my finger feel like coming home.

"Oh my god." Piper's chest heaves. "I love you."

"I love you too."

Soon the soft strokes on her center become too much and I retract my hand. I wrap my arms around her shoulder, and we continue to lay in each other's embrace. Piper is still trying to catch her breath but places a soft kiss on top of my head as she notices how my eyes flutter when my head settles between the valley of her breasts.

…

"Al." She whispers.

"Hmm." I whine.

"I have to get up. It's past eleven and I should have been at work hours ago." Piper tries to push my body off hers, but my arms are wrapped too tightly around hers.

"Do you really have to go?" I roll over and sit up with my back against the headboard.

Piper stands up and hastily puts on a shirt, panties and her pants.

"Yes. I told you yesterday that I have a shit ton of work to do." She collects all her items from my bedroom.

"But that was before we rediscovered how good we are at extracurricular activities." I wiggle my eyebrows.

Piper laughs. "Is that how they call it these days?" She drops her items, crawls on top of the covers and straddles my waist.

"Well, would you rather I call it? Dirty, mind blowing, ravishing, sweaty sex." I seduce her and place kisses all over her neck.

"Stop it." She chuckles and pushes me away trying to regain some self control. "Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah sure." I lean over to the side to take my glasses from the nightstand to have a better look.

"While we were, you know, was it not good for you?" She blushes a little.

"What do you mean?" I rub the sides of her arms.

"Well, you wouldn't let me touch you. You didn't even take your shirt off. And after you pleasured me I wanted to do you but you kind of fell asleep on top of me. And yesterday evening you waited purposely until I was in the bathroom before you changed your clothes. Now that I can get because we hadn't yet you know, had sex, but you never did that in the past, so I was wondering if it didn't feel good for you."

I have no idea how I can even begin to explain this to her. "I can assure you that everything you did felt immensely nice."

"But that's the thing, I didn't really do anything." She fiddles with the covers.

"Is it okay if we talk about this later?"

Piper stands up quickly. "Yeah uhm, sure."

I jump out of bed and envelop her into a hug. "Hey hey, don't run away. Please believe me when I say this has nothing to do with you, I want you to touch me and you can touch me, but I might be a little insecure and that's what you picked up on."

Piper's big blue eyes stare into mine. "That's all?"

"That's all."

She leans in and gives me a sweet kiss.

"I really love you Piper."

"I love you too."

"Want me to wave you goodbye?"

"Actually, I was thinking. I know how you said to Nicky that you won't be returning to VAA for a while but I know you and you can't sit around and do nothing without going nuts so I was wondering if you want to keep me company, that way you can rediscover the place I work at."

"You mean the place you own."

Piper slaps my arm. "Why do you always have to ruin everything."

"And to think this is just the beginning." I wink.

Piper orders me to take a shower before we take off but just like in the old days she times me to make sure I don't stay under the stream for hours. When we finally take off and leave the apartment it seems that yesterday and today have really been a success.

 **A/N**

 **Hey everyone,**

 **I'm sorry it's been awhile. But yeah, what can I say, the mountains were calling, and I have been on a last-minute vacation. Backpacking has always been my thing and if an opportunity comes, I'm not one to deny it.**

 **I've also had the chance to watch S7, I won't spoil anything for the ones who haven't had to chance to watch but I can say that I was content with the way they ended things.**

 **I will be very busy the following weeks but as always will do my best to update as soon as I can, but no promises.**

 **Thanks for all your lovely reviews on the last chapter, they really motivate me to keep writing. Next chapter will be Alex's second appointment with the therapist and from there on things will take a slightly darker route as she will be disclosing another part of her story. I love you guys!**


	28. Pushing you away

**Chapter 28: Pushing you away**

Although the past few days I've been able to escape the hurricane of thoughts raging through my already flooding brain, delusion was fast to keep up with me. My rather calm state tricked me into believing that I was doing better. Which clearly didn't last very long, cause today, when Piper and I took our seats on the blue couch in the therapist's office it, almost immediately, blew all out of the window. We made small talk, informed Patrick of the two days we spent together until -BAM- Patrick asked a totally unexpected question.

So now I'm here, realising that I wasn't ready at all, not in the slightest. Sitting down with my unusual clammy hands who rest in my lap, figuring out what to do. I don't dare to look up at the surrounding judgemental faces as they all demand answers as to why I disappeared or why I won't let myself be touched. Cause as you can guess that conversation has been brought up again in the last forty-eight hours. Once Piper and I cross that barrier of intimacy it's hard to stop. Her worry was evident when she tried to be satisfied with my dubious answer. But anyway, that's not important in this moment, the fact that I can't seem to breathe, and I can hear the rapid flood of my own bloodstream in my ears is making me go mad as I know that soft panic is growing, and the strong grip of my controlling mannerism is slowly starting to fade. Being painfully aware of my angst is only making it worse. But what am I supposed to do? Sit back and let it happen in front of an audience, the one I specifically dread the most? That sure isn't an option.

A small portion of me wishes Nichols was here, she would know what to do. Instead of letting me sink into this dark and fragile state she'd shake me up and drag me out of this place. I know with great certainty that if I'd do my best and ask real politely, I'd even get her as far that she'd never speak about the whole ordeal if I promise I'd ask for help when needed.

But she isn't here.

It's Patrick who sits in front of me.

Piper who sits on my right.

Oh Piper. She so desperately wants the two of us to work out that I genuinely start to question if she has an honest idea about what kind of traumatic figure she's bringing into her otherwise perfectly balanced life. Yes, balanced. I wouldn't go as far as calling her life _normal_.

"Al?"

The movement of her hand reaching for mine catches my eye. When she brushes my wrist, I can't feel the slightest touch. I'm totally numb. And maybe that's one of my other frustrations, the numbness. Sometimes I would nothing more but to yell, to fill my lungs with a stream of fierce, ice cold, pain inducing air that forces me to scream in agony so that maybe some of that energy draining ache can leave my distressed figure. But lately all my energy get's drained by simple daily activities and so there is nothing left in times when I want to begin to address my big inner pool swarming with overwhelming emotions.

I just yearn for a form of relieve.

"Alex?"

Patrick's low and gravely voice finally gets through to me.

"Yeah." I clear my throat.

Piper lays the palm of her hand in mine and slowly she intertwines our fingers. It's quite endearing to see she doesn't care about the sweatiness of my hands. Instead of crawling back in my shell I try to focus on the connection of our bodies to keep myself from closing off.

"You okay?" She asks with a small voice.

"Yeah. I'm fine." I smile weakly. It's clear my effort isn't enough to convince her. "Let's move forward, shall we?"

"Are you sure you want to continue Alex? I understand if you want to take a break or want to continue next week."

"We've only been here for half an hour and I sure ain't paying you hundred dollars for half the service." I joke.

Patrick snickers but Piper doesn't seem to appreciate my attempt to clear the air. I must say that if I was her, I would be quite disturbed by my own behavior. The on and off switch between emotions can be scary to witness. And then there is the covering up part with jokes and sarcasm that certainly isn't the best solution in all scenarios. Sometimes a façade is necessary but for me it's become a habit, a way of living because I'd rather not talk about certain topics than take the risk of crying or breaking down. In general, being uncomfortable is not something I've learned to deal with in an acceptable way. So, I struggle along and continue in the old fashioned Vause-way.

"I'd like to ask you Alex if you've had any nightmares the past few days?"

"Only once."

"I didn't know that." Piper frowns.

"I didn't wanna wake you and I fell asleep right away afterwards. It wasn't a big deal."

Piper clearly looks hurt. "It is a big deal, I wanna be there for you."

"I know but that doesn't mean that I should come to you _every_ fucking time my mind goes blank." I snap. It happens by complete surprise.

Piper's eyes widen. She switches her gaze from Patrick back to me. It's obvious she's thinking over her reaction but after a minute I know she'll stay silent.

"Sorry." I lower my voice.

Once again, she doesn't react, and I can't blame her for it. If I was her, I also wouldn't put up with this ridiculous anger that, in her eyes, seems to be coming out of nowhere.

"Piper, may I ask you to go in the waiting room until the end of this session? I was planning to spend the rest of my time focussing on Alex and I think that she might feel slightly more comfortable to open herself up if no one is around. It has nothing to do with you, this is just standard protocol I follow with all my clients." Patrick finishes his obviously well studied speech which I'm sure he delivered in order to defuse the situation I created.

"Ow, if you think that's necessary." Piper takes her purse and stands up from the couch. "I'm right here if you need anything Al."

I wasn't expecting her to say anything after my little outburst, in fact I'm so taken aback that I don't have the time to thank her. She's already gone.

The door closes without a sound and Patrick settles himself more comfortably in his chair.

"So Alex, can you tell me what this nightmare was about? Was it fiction or leaning towards reality?" He grabs his pen and sits up straight, ready to write down whatever I'll throw at him.

"Why is it so important for you to know what they're about?"

"Well, if we know what they're about we can decipher them and see in what way they compare to the horrific events that occurred in your life."

"That seems fair."

"Well then…" Patrick looks at me expectantly.

While staring at the door Piper just used to exit the room I ponder over his request.

"Why did you send her away?"

Patrick looks up from his paper. "What do you mean?"

"I know your type. You rattle off your speech and expect people to do as you say because they believe you know best, but tell me, why?"

"I think she holds you back. At least in this setting in this stage of your therapy. You're obviously not ready to share everything with her."

"You're right, I'm not." With one swift motion of my hand my glasses land on top of my head. "But I guess that at some point she has to know." My voice thickens as I speak. I hate the fact that I can't seem to control my emotions, it's like my body betrays me.

"To know what?"

 _How it's like to be locked up._

My mind instantly captivates me with scenarios from my past, projecting them onto my retinas as if it were a blank canvas ready to be covered in different color variations and lively scenes.

 _To be starved out and thrown into unfamiliar cars. To have a dozen people around you that only seem to care about the purpose you're about to serve them. Cause the countless walls, windows, floors, rotten chairs and tables, all leading to a life I was desperately trying to escape were all part of my life and I guess that at some point she has the right to know, in order to develop the understanding of why I am who I am today. Why I'm not the confident ex-dealer, ex-lover, ex-worshipper anymore._

My head feels as if it's about to explode so I take a deep breath and try to slow down the energy draining thoughts.

"To know what happened after I sent her that letter." My simplified answer floats in the air. I put my glasses back on my nose to shield myself from the truth.

"Letter?"

This question is the perfect reminder of why I dislike therapy so much. Although Patrick seems to be a genuinely helpful and friendly guy it's clear he doesn't have the slightest idea of what I'm talking about. I will have to tell him every single detail, which is not something I'm looking forward to and since today I am already in a foul mood it's no surprise I spend the next twenty minutes dodging every question like a flying bullet.

"So the letter, can you tell me about the significance?"

"It wasn't that important. Just a piece of paper I sent to Piper." The sigh at the end of my sentence really wasn't necessary. What makes it even worse is knowing that my monotone voice isn't helping one bit to make myself more likeable in this moment.

"If I asked Piper the same question would she give me the same answer?"

"Don't know, you should ask her."

"Can you tell me what happened after the letter?"

"Not much." Maybe this will have its desired effect.

"So you're telling me that in a timespan of …" Patrick rummages through his paper to look for a piece of information. " _two years_ not much has happened."

"Exactly."

"Okay. Let's go with your version and suppose that not much has happened, how come you're not able to tell your story then?"

"Story? You going to write the ending to my fairy tale?" I chuckle.

Patrick chuckles along. "Sarcasm. I like it. Really seems to be your thing."

"Yeah well, not everyone appreciates it."

"How come?"

"Don't know."

"I think you do." Patrick places my file on a side table and stands up. He walks towards the window and faces the street. "You know Alex, in the little time I've spent with you a few things really stuck out to me. I've met a lot of people in my life, but I must say that you definitely belong in the group of the most intelligent people I've encountered."

I genuinely don't know if I should take this as a compliment or not.

"But I honestly think that you're wasting your capacities." He turns around and looks me in the eye. "This act that your trying to keep up by acting smug, dodging questions, denying your truth by pretending like you're not hurting and covering it all with sarcasm and your general flair will eventually come falling down. I've seen patients trying their best to keep it up, but life catches up with you in the blink of an eye. And I must say I'd rather not see your life and all its facets fall apart, not on my watch."

My knee starts to tremble and another wave of sweat gathers on the palm of my hand. When Patrick turns back around and stares at the street, I use these seconds to wipe my hands clean on the fabric of my jeans. It's of no use, soon the moisture covers my hand for the third time and there's nothing I can do.

"Piper and Diane want to see you get better but the only one here that can make a real difference in your life is _you_. You must make the changes, you must speak up. No one can do that for you. We can all listen and support you, but I hope that somehow you can find the courage to set your pride aside and take the help."

The room seems to be closing in on me. It wouldn't surprise me if his words would be physically visible on the walls. Painted in big, bold, black letters.

I'm drowning.

"I thought that last time we established that you were going to try but I hope that you can see that what you were doing ten minutes ago wasn't even close to doing an effort. You're such a wonderful person, you can do this. We just must work together. So, what do you say, shall we give this another try?"

Finally, Patrick turns around. At first a sympathetic smile covers his face but in a matter of seconds his smile falters.

To be honest I haven't heard the entirety of his speech. Somewhere in the middle I got caught up in his words and got stuck. The wheels in my head started spinning, even faster than earlier and they can't stop.

"Alex?"

Patrick closes the distance between us but I'm too quick and stand up before he has the time to react. I immediately grab my jacket.

"I'll think about it. Thanks." I say harshly and almost run out the door.

"Alex!" Patrick yells but I'm already out of the front door before he can even get to me.

….

"Alex!" Patrick's loud and concerned voice resonates through the building.

I quickly rise to my feet, take my stuff and walk in the hallway.

"Patrick what's going on?"

"She walked out." His voice returned to a normal volume.

"What do you mean she walked out?"

"She needs time to cool off, but she'll be back. I want her third appointment to be on Monday if that's possible."

"Uhm yeah, okay, I'll make sure she comes. What happened in there?"

"I'm afraid I can't tell you."

"She literally ran out the door. What the fuck!"

Patrick holds his hand out and waits for me to shake it. "Don't worry Piper, it'll all be okay. She just needs to think about a few things before she can fully get into the therapy. She'll be back. Try to talk to her but if she needs her distance than let her."

With that Patrick walks into his office and I'm left dumbfounded in the hallway.

….

One hour after that terrible session I roll over in bed, put my glasses on my face, breathe in heavily and feel slightly more ready to address the messages left on my phone.

The display shows five missed calls.

*Piper Chapman – Missed calls (4)*

*Nichols – Missed call*

I unlock the device and listen to the two voice messages.

" _Alex can you please call me back. I don't know what happened but I'm worried. Please babe, it's all okay. I'm here." –_

" _Hey Stretch, Blondie is terrified since she doesn't know where you are. Please be a grownup and let her know uh. Call me okay." –_

A heavy sigh escapes through my lips but before I intend to answer I need to build up some courage. I scroll through my text messages and encounter the ones Piper just left ten minutes ago.

 **[Piper]:** Alex, I get that you have the desire to be alone and don't want to talk but please let me know that you're okay and not laying dead in a ditch somewhere. I'm not mad.

 **[Piper]:** Okay skip the last part, I'm definitely mad now. Where are you?

Piper's impatience makes me chuckle. Right when I'm about to answer a new message pops up.

 **[Mom]:** Alex, I just had a crying Piper on the phone. This isn't funny anymore. Call her immediately or I am at your door in thirty.

Shit. It wasn't my intention to make her upset. I just needed a moment to calm the fuck down.

I put my hands on the mattress and push myself to stand upright. With my phone in hand I walk up to my coffee machine and grind a handful of beans. When my face is freshened up and a coffee aroma hangs in the air, I send mom a quick message, telling her I'm okay and that I'm about to text Piper. She answers immediately.

 **[Mom]:** You're an idiot. But I love you and I will come by tomorrow and you'll tell me all about today. Please take good care of the both of you!

I read her text in that warning tone she uses whenever I do something, and she's displeased by it. I take a small sip from my cup and finally push the call button on my phone. Piper picks up after one ring.

"Alex!" She sounds desperate. "Omg are you okay?"

"I'm fine." My voice is hoarse and cracks with every word.

"Where are you?"

"At my apartment. I fell asleep." It's a half lie.

"You know you can't do this to me right?" Irritation seeps into her voice.

"I'm sorry."

"No Al, you can't just walk out whenever it suits you. You should have waited or at least had the decency to let me know where you went."

"I know." As if I wasn't feeling enough guild without her pointing out my obvious fuck up.

"Then why did you do it? Did you want me to worry about you? Cause I can tell you I do plenty of that already."

"Pipes I…"

"You know what I was thinking Alex? I couldn't stop my mind from going to the darkest places thinking about what if you were abducted for a second time and I wouldn't see you again for two years. How would I be able to survive such a thing?"

"Pipes that will never happen." I try to sound determent but after everything I've endured, I know all is possible.

"You can't actually believe that!" Her voice cracks and I know she's on the brink of crying. I can almost hear the silent tears.

"Pipes where are you?"

She composes herself before she speaks. "At my place."

"Shall I come over?"

"No." She's quick to answer.

"Oh. Okay." I try to make it seem like her rejection hasn't just ripped my heart out. "I'll uh, I'll leave you to yourself."

I'm ready to put my phone down.

"Alex, wait!" She speaks louder than before.

"What is it Pipes?" I brush my hand through my hair but retract my hand quickly, as if she could see my nervous habit through the phone.

"I'll come to you. If that's okay?"

My stomach flutters and I feel genuinely happy. "See you in a few."

"I'll be there in twenty minutes. Bye Al."

"Piper?" I don't want her to go just yet. Not without….

"Yes?"

"I love you. You know that right?"

She breathes into the phone. "I love you too."

….

After a rather awkward meeting we quickly tried to clear the air of the tension. The whole afternoon we spent lazy on the couch watching three movies. Or at least I saw most of the thrillers we picked out together. I pushed my feet onto the coffee table and Piper gradually splayed herself on her side with her head on my chest.

Every now and then her little snores are audible, and I must increase the volume that comes through the speakers. But it doesn't bother me at all, on the contrary, these are precious moments I love to cherish. My attention has drifted off from the movie towards Piper. It's adorable to see how she unconsciously continues to stroke the space between my breasts, even when she's in a deep sleep. I can't resist to drop a light kiss on her forehead. After a second kiss she grumbles.

"I'm sorry grumpy, didn't mean to wake you." I chuckle and put the film on pause.

Piper snuggles closer against me. Her eyes remain close. "I'm so comfortable."

"I can see that." I put my arm over her body and push her even closer.

"Aren't you?" She opens one eye and looks straight into mine.

I kiss her lightly on the lips. "Of course, I am."

Piper closes her eye again and lays her forehead against my neck. She kisses the patch of skin under my jaw.

"Although, I must say that I could have done without the snoring." I do my best to contain my laughter.

She immediately lifts her head, wearing a shocked expression on her face. "I do not snore!"

"Oh, but you do." I smirk.

"Shut it!" She pulls herself away from my body but I'm too quick. We end up wrestling and I land on top of her.

"You have to come up with better strategies if you want to win from me." I lift my eyebrows.

Piper's clear blue eyes bore into my soul and in this moment it's as if she opens a piece of my heart. She throws her arms around my neck.

"There's nothing to win." There's no hint of playfulness in her statement.

"No?" I try to shift my weight, so she doesn't get crushed by my body. Apparently, she's not bothered by it because she tightens her hold on me.

"I already won." Her voice cracks and a hint of sadness overshadows the wideness of her radiant smile.

"Oh yeah?" I lean in and my lips graze hers.

"Yeah." She licks her lips to wet them before she continues to speak but as she pushes her tongue through her cute lips, she brushes against mine. We're so close, so connected and yet still so distanced. I don't want to ruin the moment and speak before my turn, so I wait until she's ready.

"I'm the biggest winner because I got you back."

I shiver.

"Which makes you a winner to Al, cause you got to have this brilliant woman back. Isn't that wonderful?" She tries to act smug.

I chuckle, shake my head and finally pull her in for a passionate kiss in which we let go of so many emotions.

We make out for a little while. There is nothing sexual about it. We're trying to see where we are after today. We still haven't talked about it and I can sense that it's coming, whether I like it or not. There's clearly no choice because I know Piper surely wants to know what my whole _running out of the door_ act was about.

When we pull apart, Piper pecks my lips one last time and we end up spooning on the couch during the remainder of the film.

Once the film is done, I switch off the tv. We both sit upright, and I take this opportunity to stretch out my arms. Piper's head was laying on my arm and it's as if my nerves have died in the process.

"Hey Al, what about I make us some dinner and you continue to read that book you were reading when I arrived." Piper stands upright and walks straight towards the kitchen area.

"Are you sure?" I speak a bit louder to make sure she can hear me. She's already rummaging through cupboards and taking out pots and pans.

"Yeah, I want you to rest babe."

I walk up to her and wrap my arms around her waist. "We just spent hours on the couch, I think I'm good."

She wiggles herself free from my grasp and hisses. "Alex."

"Is everything okay?" Her tone took me by complete surprise.

"I'm just hungry so why don't you just sit and read and let me do the work okay?" She smiles weakly. To reassure me she gives me a kiss on the head as soon as I'm seated.

….

Throughout the whole dinner it's become clear something is on her mind. I'm not sure if I should ask her straight away or if I should wait until she brings it up. Sometimes it confuses me to know what's best to do.

When her plate is finished, and she continues for minutes to fidget with her napkin I'm about to speak up. In the last second, she beats me to it.

"I have something for you."

"O-Okay?"

"And I'm not sure if this is the right time to give it to you after today. Seeing how you walked out and after what Patrick told me in the hallway, I had some time to think and decide what to do but Alex I have to give it to you." The fidgeting increases and I'm about to get scared that she's going to faint under the pressure she put on herself.

"Hey Pipes, look at me." Piper lifts her head up. "You can tell me what it is. Don't be afraid. If it isn't a snake, you're safe. You know how much I despise them." I wink.

Piper chuckles. "Shit, you got me, it wasn't my snoring you heard throughout the movie but the rattlesnake I placed in the hallway."

We both laugh at her joke. "No, but seriously, babe, tell me."

"I brought a letter with me, one that comes out of the shoebox I hold underneath my bed."

I lean backwards in my chair and run my hands through my hair. I did not see this coming.

"Before you say anything Al, please hear me out. You know I love you and it hurts me tremendously to see you struggle this much knowing that it shouldn't be this hard. After you, supposedly, died I was so lost. I didn't know what to do and I honestly didn't believe I could ever move on. There is not much I can say but I think you should read it if you want to. We don't even have to discuss it ever if you don't want to, but I actually need you to read the words to understand my earlier reaction. Cause what you did today Alex, that can never happen again." Piper has started to cry.

These kinds of conversations are starting to feel too familiar.

"Oh Pipes. I will never leave you. I don't want to."

We both stand up and comfort each other in a welcoming embrace. Eventually she pulls away and goes into the hallway to pull something out of her coat. When she comes back, she holds out an envelope in front of her.

"Please take it."

I gulp, take a deep breath and eventually lift my arms to take it out of her hands.

….

" _You know you fucked up right?"_

 _I know._

 _It's been several months since my disappearance and not a single day has been easy. In the beginning I could hold on to the thought of wanting to get back to my old life but now it's becoming increasingly more difficult to deal with the mental, verbal and harsh physical abuse from the men who trace my every step. I tried to deliver every package on time and then leave as soon as I could but sometimes, I'm out of luck and people take advantage of my situation. They know I'm being held hostage and abused. They basically know I'm fucked and think they can do everything they want with me. I'm just a puppet in their sick little game._

 _Although it may seem stupid, when they first brought me to the warehouse by the beach and lasered off pieces of my tattoos to make them less noticeable it was like they demolished my complete personality. I'm trying to hold on to the little pieces that they left untouched. I can't let myself get dragged down by their actions._

" _Alex I was fucking talking to you!" The spit landing in my face soon gets followed by a hard slap that stings the already red skin of my right cheek._

 _A bruise forms but I don't give him the satisfaction of raising my hand to feel the damage for myself. Instead I ask him a question of my own. "So what do you suggest I should have done? Leave the bag out in the open for everyone to just take with them if they wanted to?"_

 _He mumbles something under his breath and starts to walk off. After a few minutes he returns with his phone and hands it over to me. "The boss wants to speak with you."_

 _It's a short conversation. I need to provide him with some details. When I hand the phone back the other man receives instructions and is quick to hang up. Soon he returns his attention back to me with a big grin on his face._

" _You know Alex, you seem like a smart girl." He speaks slowly._

" _I wouldn't necessarily call myself a girl seeing as I was a top drug smuggler for years back in the days when you weren't even born, but fuck, who's counting." I smirk._

 _He seems displeased with my comeback and speaks over his walkie to call for back up. "You know what, in fact, you ain't that smart. You see, I think we have other polices here in Cambodia than you do back in The States. There's no room for fuck ups here."_

 _One of his right-hand men appears and walks up to us with a knife in a leather sheath._

" _Thanks Chann, for your assistance. Make sure to close the door, wouldn't want the nearest neighbours in a five-mile radius to complain about the noise that miss Alex here will be making. That would be a real shame, such nice people."_

 _I try to keep a straight face but it's becoming harder by the second._

" _So Alex, as I was saying, you made a major mistake and for that you'll have to pay. Don't worry sweetheart, it will only be a little painful and after you've suffered enough, we'll take care of you and you'll be as good as new. Don't worry. You're too valuable cause as you said, after all you were a top drug smuggler for years."_

It's all I can remember from the moment he stopped talking to the second the knife entered the upper right side of my body, right between my ribs. I screamed, I yelled and ultimately, maybe for the best, I passed out. I woke up with a huge gauze on my side and when I ripped it off a dozen stitches were underneath.

Subconsciously I trace the scar with my left hand over my shirt.

"Hey Al, I'm back. I left your spare key by the entry, you okay?"

Piper walks into the kitchen with her running gear on. Her face is all sweaty and shining. I'm still seated at the dining table, the envelope she gave me lays unopened in front of me.

"Yeah I'm fine. How was your run?"

"It was good. I tested out my new shoes, they were really nice actually."

"That's great babe." I try to sound excited.

When I realise the envelope will be in her line of sight, I'm already too late to remove it.

"Al, I thought you sent me away to have the time to open it without me being here."

I stare into the distance. "Sorry, I uh got distracted."

She wraps her arms around my neck. "With what?" She whispers in my ear and pecks my cheek.

I'm so goddamn tired of everyone wanting to know all the details of my life but I know that it's important to let her in. I just can't seem to figure out the reason why it's so fucking hard for me to open my mouth.

"Was just thinking, that's all." My voice comes out lower than I anticipated.

Piper kisses the top of my head. "You feeling stressed?"

I'm glad she respects my boundaries and doesn't push for more. "Why?"

"Your body is tense, and you keep rubbing the right part of your ribcage. Do you want me to give you a massage?"

"No it's…I'm fine. Really." I lay my open palm on my side to cover it up.

"It's no big deal Alex, I used to do it all the time. Here let me help you relax."

Piper puts her hands on my shoulders and starts to knead the skin. At first it feels kind of nice but soon she wanders off and lowers her hands towards my shoulder blades.

"It's okay Pipes, thanks." The muscles in my neck contract.

"Alex, it hasn't even been two minutes." She chuckles softly. "Maybe you should go lay down on your bed, it's more practical than on this chair." She continues to lower her hands.

When her fingertips accidentally touch my hand that's covering my right side something snaps inside me.

"Piper please it's okay." I whisper.

"Shhh Al just relax."

She tries to soothe me. Just like she did on the phone when I was in Boston. But this is a whole other situation.

"Pipes." I mutter.

"Shhh."

Tears gather in my eyes, I try to blink them away but no such luck. A gigantic lump has formed in my throat which prevents me from breathing and talking. All the emotions that have flared up earlier are starting to come back. I need her to take her hands off me immediately.

"Alex it's as if your shoulders are becoming more tense. You should tell me if I'm doing a bad job." She laughs and when her hand reaches a particular spot on my shoulder I break completely.

"Stop."

"Hmm?"

I must have spoken too soft.

"Stop." I say a little louder while trying to gulp down the lump.

She stops the movement of her hands, but they stay put on my shoulders.

"Alex are you okay?" She leans over to look at my face but that turns out to be a terrible mistake cause out of habit she squeezes my shoulders.

I jump upright in a second. "I said fucking stop it!" I don't recognize myself and it scares the shit out of me.

Piper freezes and is completely caught off guard. She jumps backwards and holds her hands up against her chest afraid to do anything wrong. She keeps her mouth shut.

I start pacing up and down the kitchen uncontrollably. "I'm such a fuck up Piper. I don't get why you would even want to be with me." Silent tears stream down my face.

Piper is still too much in shock to do anything.

"How did you make the decision that you wanted to be with me?"

Piper frowns and it's clears she's worried. "Alex, it's not that I don't wanna talk to you but first I need you to calm down."

"Calm down?!" I laugh. "This is fucking perfect. If you don't wanna answer the question than just tell me but don't try to put this on me."

"Alex what the fuck!" Finally, Piper is out of her daze.

"No Piper, you what the fuck!"

Piper tries to approach me, but I walk in the opposite direction.

"Alex we're not going to have this conversation once again. I told you that I love you and that I want to be with you. What happened in the time I went for a run and came back here?"

"Yes, we are having this conversation." I wipe the tears from my eyes. "You are going to tell me exactly why you decided to be with a broken version of the woman you once knew and loved. Cause even I don't recognize myself so help me to understand why you would even choose someone like me."

"What's going on here?" The volume of her voice increases. "Alex you're everything –"

"Who broke up with who?"

When the words leave my mouth, I know I just made a terrible mistake. Sadly, it's too late to take them back.

"What?" She speaks softly. The hurt in her eyes is overwhelming and creates a crack in my own heart. This really wasn't my intention.

"Tell me?" I'm making it even worse. What am I doing? "You never told me."

"I don't see how this is relevant." She's getting angry on top of being confused.

"You said you wanted to be with me, well, prove it."

Piper stays silent.

"Well? I'm waiting Piper."

"That makes two of us." She fires back. She folds her arms protectively over her body.

"What's that supposed to mean."

"Well Alex, you push me to tell you everything, but you don't give me anything in return. I have so many unanswered questions. For example, starting with today, why you ran out of the office? Or other questions like, why you feel like you're such a burden to me? Why you don't tell me anything? Can you answer any of these?"

I stay silent.

"No? Is that your answer? Well then, I suggest that you stop pushing me for answers cause it ain't fair."

Piper opens one of the cupboards in the kitchen, takes out a glass and fills it with tap water. She gulps it down in one go and slams the glass down on the granite countertop. For a second, I thought it would shatter.

"Still nothing to say?"

My head hangs low and I'm trying my best to maintain a steady breathing pattern. I'm ashamed.

"Well Alex, unless you're going to behave like an actual human being, I'm gonna leave. Don't call until you're ready to apologise. I don't know what your game here was today, but this was not okay. Let me make that clear."

Without another word she gathers her stuff and storms towards the front door. When she's busy putting her shoes on I know I must fix this in order to not loose the best thing that's ever happened to me.

"Pipes." I whisper.

Piper is facing the door and doesn't turn around. She doesn't reach for the door either, so I take that as a sign to continue.

"Pipes, I just…I freaked out."

She shakes her head and slowly her hand reaches for the doorknob. She's ready to leave. I made her.

A sob escapes from the back of my throat. I don't want her to go. No, she can't. Internally I'm screaming and am in an immense amount of pain, it just won't come out. Why won't it?

"Pipes, I'm sorry. Really I am."

Her hand rests on the metal object. She doesn't push down.

"It's because of the…" Another sob soon gets followed by a second one. "It's the scar."

Piper's hand lets go of the metal and very quietly she turns around. Her face is hard to read.

"Before you came in, I was thinking about how the knife entered my body and how the b-blood gushed out and t-the stitches they made and how t-the s-scar t-turned o-out…" I can't finish my sentence due to the heavy crying. Piper wraps her arms around me and we both sink to the ground. It's not clear whose sobs are the loudest. We're both in an incredible amount of pain and the only thing that's holding us together is the love that we share.

When I'm calmed down, I tell her the whole story about the scar on my right side. It feels relieving, although I must say that I'm not quite sure how Piper is taking in all this new information. Whenever I tell her something horrific and graphic it's like she shuts down her own emotions and forgets that she needs to process them for herself. I'm starting to believe that she may be the next who's gonna need help.

….

After our shared crying I'm feeling exhausted and invite Piper into bed. I'm not in the mood to spend tonight on my own. Not after today. It's been one hell of a marathon.

"You okay Pipes?"

"Yeah, no better feeling than laying in your arms."

We're spooning and of course there's no question about whose spooning who.

"I'm glad I can be of service."

She chuckles and kisses the arm that lays above her head.

"Hey Pipes?"

" _Yeah Al_?" She says teasingly.

"I'm really sorry about today." I wrap my arm extra tight around her.

"It's okay, I'm over it. I'm glad you told me about your scar so I can understand where this outburst came from. Although Al, you really need to stop trying to push me away whenever things get hard. Especially with this blaming and accusing tactic of yours. I rather you just talk to me or even yell."

I give her a kiss on the back of her neck.

"I'm really sorry." I'm still feeling like shit.

Piper turns around in my arms.

"You still haven't told me why you ran away." She looks into my eyes searching for an answer.

"I guess it all just became too much."

It's clear it's not a good enough answer for her.

"And Patrick started saying all these things to me about how I need to change and need to respond to his questions with real answers instead of sarcasm. So I guess I just wanted to escape instead of being pushed to talk about difficult topics such as scars and violence."

"Scars? As in multiple?"

"Ugh, you're gonna be the death of me." I say half-jokingly. "I really love you kid."

"Well you _really_ should."

"Asshole."

"Pussy."

"Hmmm, say that again."

"You're such a tease Vause."

I kiss Piper on the lips and then encourage her to roll over since my eyes are falling shut.

"Have a good night Pipes."

"I love you too Al."

….

It's somewhere after 3am that I wake up completely covered in sweat. Not wanting to wake Piper up from her deep sleep I try to be extra quiet and step out of bed.

The first nightmare wasn't that intense but the second one hit me like a brick wall. I'm still trembling on my legs and desperately need something to calm my nerves. Since Piper is still snoring away, I dare to take my whiskey out and fill a glass. When its empty the soothing effect kicks in immediately.

On my way to the couch my eye catches the unopened letter, I still don't dare to open it up, so I let it sit where it is. I take a seat in front of the tv, which I put on silent for obvious reasons, and get captivated by a poker game.

The players ain't that good so it's no surprise that I get bored and go grab some salted peanuts to eat. As we all know, salt makes one thirsty and since I'm still a bit shaken up another glass won't hurt. The bottle is still on the countertop so it's easy to refill my glass. I just must make sure that I don't fall asleep cause the last thing I want is to alarm Piper with some stupid bullshit that ain't even a problem to begin with.

After an hour I rinse my glass, put the bottle away and crawl back into bed. My head is a bit fuzzy and I expect to fall asleep rather quickly but unfortunately, I don't sleep at all for the rest of the night. The nightmare I just had is replaying itself over and over in my mind. I can only hope that from now on it'll only get better.

 **A/N**

 **Thank you for your lovely reviews guys, they always motivate me to continue writing.**

 **This chapter turned out to be longer than I expected but I don't think you mind.**

 **I hope you enjoyed this chapter :) Have a wonderful week.**


	29. Acquaintances isn't quite right

**Chapter 29: Acquaintances isn't quite right**

Today is Saturday. Another delivery day in the world of books. I must admit that I was a little annoyed when Piper's alarm went off at an ungodly hour, especially since I never really fell asleep after that awful nightmare. She had to leave extra early because a bunch of new travel literature was arriving. She surely needed to be on time to greet the drivers of the delivery company.

After enjoying a full view of Piper's incredible body when she re-entered my bedroom buck-naked with droplets running off her back, I felt slightly more encouraged to throw the covers off myself and make an effort. And so, I did, I accompanied her to her store and am now lending her a hand for a second time this week. I must say that today she's much more stressed than last time. She isn't as patient with me as much as I wish she'd be.

I put down a basket of books that is ready to be returned. The backs of the paperbacks are damaged which means that a refund is in order. Piper asked me to take care of the issue, she knows I have quite the head start when it comes to charming people. I just must do as much as whisper and most people are like putty in my hands. Gotta take advantage of my most valuable assets, right?

"Can you hand me the sale stickers? They are in the far-right drawer."

"Coming!" I yell from the backroom.

I just finish answering a text from Nichols when Piper calls me for the tenth time in only a half an hour. She is busy in the front, sorting out space for the new books about Asian travel tales. I recommended her to put one in the booklist for book of the month, but she sure didn't appreciate that advise. So stubborn that woman.

"Alex!"

I find her annoyance cute and if it wasn't for me being hesitant about physical contact, I would jump her right there.

I press send on the bottom of my screen for the message to Nichols and decide to mess with the nervous monster in the front. Her coworkers should be glad they aren't here to witness this amusing but at the same time pain in the ass side of her.

"Piper!" I mock her.

I take the basket in both hands, lift it up as high as I can and let it drop to the floor. Noise resonates throughout the building. It only takes 10 seconds, which I count in my head. Piper storms into the backroom and scans the space in search for the damage.

"What the fuck was that?"

"What?" I lean casually against the wall and open several drawers in search for her stickers.

"That noise."

"What noise?" I'm quick to respond.

Piper frowns and looks alarmed.

"Pipes, what noise?"

I take out the stickers and hand them over. She doesn't even lift her hand.

"How the fuck was I able to hear a disaster from the front and you weren't while you're here in the back. The exact direction it came from." She uses an impressive amount of hand gestures to emphasize her description.

"I genuinely have no idea." I put my glasses on my head and decide to fuck with her even more. "You don't think someone entered, right?"

"What?"

"Pipes, did you lock the front door?"

"No, why would I? We're both here." She lowers her voice, probably to make sure the _intruder_ can't hear her.

"Maybe someone came in when you turned your back."

Her panic-stricken face indicates that I should probably stop before she pisses her pants.

"You don't think…" Piper steps closer to me and clings to my arm. Something happened in the front room that grabs both our attention. It was a low thudding sound, probably a book falling on the carpeted floor.

"See? Did you hear that?" I try to look equally as freaked out.

"Alex give me your phone." Piper hisses.

"What? Why?" I stick my right hand in my jeans pocket and cling to the device.

"Because I'm gonna call the fucking cops. Give it to me!"

"Fuck no, I'm gonna go out there and stump their asses." I straighten my back and shoulders to show her I'm ready to fight.

"No fucking way. Give me your phone! I left mine next to the cash register."

"You don't believe I could kick their ass?" I chuckle and try to free myself from Piper's grasp.

"Why are you laughing? This isn't funny, give me the phone!"

"Oh, but it is." I smirk and put my glasses back on my head. "You see, I could kick these books any day."

"What?" She looks confused.

"Don't think big bad Alex could save you from a bunch of falling books?" I point towards the pile of literature that fell out of the box.

"You dropped that basket? That's why some books lay scattered on the floor?"

I start chuckling a little louder. "I'm sorry Pipes. No burglar, not today at least."

"Oh fuck you Alex!" She slaps my arm.

"Ow what the fuck." I rub my arm soothingly.

"You think this is funny? I have enough work as it is. I didn't invite you to waste my time with stupid jokes."

Okay, I may have calculated this a bit wrong. She's way more pissed then before.

"Well, you should think before trying to boss me around." I play with the hem of her shirt. "Although I must say it does things to me, I probably shouldn't say out loud."

Piper looks flushed and blushes profusely. "Alex." She whispers. There is no trace of anger left. Her legs tremble. The effect I have on her doesn't go unnoticed.

"Well you probably shouldn't cause I didn't come here to be a witness of your favorite morning activities."

Piper screams and I can't contain my laughter. I saw mom appearing from afar but since Piper is facing away from the door, she didn't have a chance. Piper lays her hand on her heart and tries to recover from her scare.

"Good morning mom!" I say with a big smile.

"Hi Alex, Piper." Mom gives us both a kiss on the cheek.

"H-Hi Diane."

"Why do you look so chook Piper?"

I stifle a laugh.

"Oh shut up Al!"

"What did you do child of mine?"

"Nothing mom, just being a good Samaritan. That's all."

"This tall one troubling you Piper?"

Piper picks up the books from the floor and puts them back in the basket. "Isn't she always?"

"Auch, that one stings babe." I put my arm around her waist and pull her towards me. I can't resist kissing her temple.

"Well since the two of you are under such pressure, I won't bother you for long. I came here to check up on you guys, but I'll leave you to yourselves."

"No Diane please stay, Alex was just about to pour me a cup of coffee. I'm sure there's plenty."

I raise my eyebrow. "Was I?"

"Yeah, you were. Might as well treat your mom to a cup." Piper has this smug look on her face.

What I wouldn't give to kiss it off her.

"Apparently duty calls."

Mom accompanies Piper to the front so Piper can show her the new acquisitions for her store. Meanwhile I go straight to the staff room grabbing us all something to drink.

…..

"I've never been to Asia. Alex used to tell me all about her time with you in Cambodia. Got me jealous a few times." Diane browses through one of the copies.

"You can have one if you'd like. I got plenty right here." I gesture towards the pile of books on my right.

Diane's smile lights up the room. "Thanks Piper but I don't want you to go bankrupt."

"Oh please, as if one book would make the difference."

I take a copy to the cash register to remove the price tag on the back and wrap it up in giftwrap.

"Here Diane, although you obviously know the content of this surprise, I hope you'll like it none the less."

"You're such a sweetheart Piper. Alex is really lucky to have you."

My heart flutters and in an instant, I get reminded of the missing piece in the room.

"So, how's therapy going?"

I shuffle a little uncomfortably on my feet. "You know how Al is, always charming people and trying to set them to her hand."

Diane nods her head in understanding.

"Although I must say that Patrick isn't buying any of her bullshit. He actually told her she needs to cut back on the sarcasm."

"I would be getting worried if she wasn't acting like herself. It's quite reassuring to hear she's still behaving like the wise ass she is."

At this point Alex walks in, two mugs in one hand and a third in the other. She smiles charmingly as she uses her elbow to open the door.

"Let me help you."

I take two mugs and hand one over to Diane.

"In what kind of trouble are the two favorite women in my life getting themselves into?"

"Obviously we were talking trash about you." Diane grins.

"I figured. Anything you wanna share? Pipes?" Alex throws me a wink.

"Aren't you the curious one."

Alex uses her free arm to wrap it around my body. My waist gets treated with a soft and tender squeeze.

"How is the therapy going Alex?" Diane repeats her question.

I immediately feel her arm freezing.

"Good." She straightens her back. "I just wasn't feeling well yesterday so I had to leave the appointment earlier than intended."

"You feeling like you're making progress?"

"Yes."

Like always, Alex's answers are short and calculated.

"Are the two of you still going together?"

Alex and I share a moment to look at one another. We all take the silence as an opportunity to take a sip from our mugs.

"Patrick asked me to leave so he could focus on Al."

"He did." Alex backs me up although it's not necessary.

"And was that okay for you? You know you have to tell him if you're feeling uncomfortable."

It may seem like Diane is interrogating her daughter, but I know from experience that this is the only way she'll get her to talk. If she waits until Alex finally shares a piece of information, she can wait a long, long time. And even then, when Alex decides to fill her in, she is very hesitant in sharing.

Alex chuckles. "I feel like I'm in an episode of Dr. Phil. But thanks for the concern mom, you know I can take care of myself."

"If you say so darling."

Diane doesn't look convinced but I'm glad she doesn't push Alex to answer. After yesterday's heavy revelations I'm not sure how much else she can take.

"Well, it was lovely to see you both." Diane finishes her coffee. "I'll let you get back to work."

"Actually Diane, Alex and I were thinking of inviting you and Robert to dinner at one of our places."

Alex seems to be confused because okay, we may have not _actually_ talked about it, but I thought I'd take an opportunity.

"That's sweet of you kid but I wouldn't want to burden you with more work. How about we go out to dinner tonight? So you don't have to cook."

"I'm totally loving your shared enthusiasm to spend more time with me." Alex jumps in. "But I can't tonight."

"Oh." My smile falters. "What about tomorrow then?"

"That might work."

"You know what, the two of you should figure out when you're available and then give me a call."

"That's a great idea mom. We'll let you know as soon as possible."

Diane hands her cup to Alex and kisses our cheeks goodbye.

…..

Ever since mom came by Piper has made a 180 in her behavior. Prior to the visit she was all stressful and yelling my name whenever she needed help but ever since, she has made herself busy and doesn't bother to ask for a hand.

I can no longer take the silence and tension. I walk up to Piper, she's by the cash register to set up some stuff on the counter in the last minutes before the store is supposed to open.

"Hey Pipes." I stand behind her and lay my hands on her shoulders.

"Hmm."

She has a pencil between her teeth and obviously can't speak properly for the moment.

"Is there anything you'd like to ask?" I murmur in her ear.

"Hmm."

It's silent for a few seconds.

"You know I can't hear you right?" I chuckle.

Piper hums again and that's what drives me over the edge.

"Pipes." I spin her around to face me and take the pencil out of her mouth. I lean forward to lay the object on the counter.

"Alex I still have a lot of work."

"I know, but you can't actually expect me to open up to you if every time something bothers you, I have to move heaven and earth in order to receive an answer. Babe, just talk to me."

"What are you doing tonight?" Piper blurts out. Her eyes cast downwards.

"Is that what this is about? You just wanna know what I'm doing?"

I can sense Piper's discomfort.

"Well, Nicky called because she needs my help. I told her I'd come. I'm sorry if this intervenes with any plans you'd already made but I didn't know, so you can't be angry with me."

"I'm not angry." She still can't look me in the eye.

"Then what is it?"

She finally looks up in my eyes. I see the vulnerability in her eyes, as if she's preparing herself for a dose of rejection.

"What are we?"

The syllables come out in a low voice.

"What do you want us to be?" Awaiting her answer, my heart races and a warm feeling spreads through my body.

"Al." She whispers.

Her vulnerability is keeping her from asking the right question. I know that for sure, but it's not my place to hand her the answer.

As it always seems to happen whenever we have a moment, Piper's coworkers walk into the store.

"Good morning Piper!"

I can't help but feel irritated.

"Hi everyone."

Piper takes a step back, squeezes my hand and walks her colleagues into the staff room.

…..

Piper stands in the aisle holding rows of romantic literature. She's advising a customer on which book to buy for her husbands' birthday. Since it's almost six pm I snuck up behind her when the lady is busy pushing her nose in a book Piper recommended.

"Hey Pipes." I try to keep my voice down. "I'm gonna head out now."

"Ok, did you grab my spare key?"

"Yeah I did."

"Great. Say hi to Nicky from me."

"I will." I sneak her a quick kiss on the cheek.

We share a radiant smile as she watches after me as I walk out the door.

It doesn't take long before I'm standing in front of VAA. It's been a while since I've been here but no matter how much time goes by, the familiarity of the place never subsides.

"Hi Nick!" I exclaim while walking in.

"If it isn't her Majesty herself."

"Haha, very funny." I throw myself on top of her wooden desk.

"How ya doing Vause?"

"Tired, been helping Pipes at the store all day."

I tilt Nicky's candy jar 45 degrees and take out a caramel. I love some sweetness from time to time.

"Business going good?"

"I think so. We don't really talk about it though. I just leant her a hand and dealt with the though customers."

"That may be a good thing." Nicky rasps. "We all know Chapman's temper flares up when she's stressed."

"Don't remind me."

We share a laugh until the atmosphere becomes quiet again.

"So, you wanted to talk?"

"Yes." Nicky sits upright in her chair. "Actually, you think we can go someplace else? I've been here all day and I'm getting sick of this environment."

"Sure, The Shack?"

"Nah, let's go to a different bar."

Nichols gathers her laptop and pencils and puts them in her shoulder bag.

"Let's go stretch."

Nicky takes me to a part of the city we normally never hang out. The outward appearance of the bar seems welcoming and so I walk behind Nichols as she enters. It's kind of a hip place, attracting young and ambitious people. The warm and cozy atmosphere gives an immediate comforting feeling as we leave the hall and step foot inside the actual bar. Several red and blue coloured spotlights hang on the ceiling and light up the place. The music is a mix of different genres, but the songs are all old classics. Still, if I didn't know any better, I would label this place a club instead of a bar but since she insisted its a bar, I'll take her word for it.

Considering the early hour of our arrival the place is already quite packed. Obviously, all the sofas are already taken so we must settle for an ordinary table for two in the back. When we've hung our jackets over the chairs Nicky immediately orders two beers. From the side of the table I see her leg shaking so I can only imagine that she needs a little courage before she speaks up her mind.

"Alright Nick, cut to the chase. I'm dying to know what –"

"I wanna sell VAA."

I'm glad I didn't take a sip of my drink the waitress just put in front of me or I would have spit it out right in her face.

"What?"

"Vause."

"No." I now take the time to actually sip from my beer.

"Alex please."

"Is this why you dragged me to the other part of the city 'cause you could have told me this anywhere."

"Hear me out." Nicky inhales a breath. "You know that I don't need the money and I only took the job to help you and to get Marka off my back. I've actually been doing good lately and I feel that it's time for something new. I took over until you came back but it's clear your interests lay elsewhere these days." Nicky grabs my arm from across the table and squeezes. "I don't think that keeping the place would do you any good with it's history and all." She retracts her hand.

I know she's being reasonable. In fact, I have no way to force her to keep covering for me.

"The second reason is Lorna. She's been wanting to quit her job for far too long. She's thinking about opening a clothes shop. You gotta understand that I want to support her but in order to do that fully I have to give up VAA. I can't do both."

"I see your point."

I can't deny that my own break from VAA has done all kinds of good things to me. Going back there still gives me the chills but I push those feelings aside every single time.

"Also, I want to ask her to marry me."

"Wow, Nicky, that's … wow!"

"I know."

I think I can finally pinpoint this moment as the first one wherein I see Nichols full on blushing.

"I'm truly happy for you."

"Thanks. That means a lot Vause."

"Seriously, I would have never thought of you as someone who'd settle down but shit man, we both grew up so fucking much. Look at us?"

We clink our beers together and take a big gulp.

Silence falls over the table. I'm picturing Nicky and Lorna walking down the aisle, surrounded by tons of their friends and family. I can see the beach, a beautiful scene as if it's constructed to be a painting. The gulls fly over the sea and exclaim their own enthusiasm. A bunch of different flowers stand in pots on the white sand. Never ending miles of white linen, maybe a dove or two, all hand selected by Lorna. A romantic song plays in the background. When I see them passing Piper and I as we all rise from our seats and clap for the happy couple, I get this rumbling sensation in my stomach. A growing tightness. Something just doesn't feel right.

"If I'm honest with ya I never thought I'd be the first one to tie the knot. I always expected you and Chapman to beat me to it."

As if she read my mind. Piper and I would stand there next to each other as nothing but acquaintances or maybe at that point actual girlfriends. The scene can be as stunning as it presents itself. Still, this means no rings for us, no paper with our signatures. No Vause-Chapmans. I don't know why this picture bothers me this much.

"Can't say that wasn't the plan." I speak very slowly with a voice that must have not been louder than a whisper.

Melancholy. An unfulfilled desire. I raised the topic in my letter, but it never came up afterwards. A logical response since it hasn't been that long but now there is this emptiness that presents itself. It came up earlier this day when Piper tried to raise the topic.

"You know it's never too late."

Of course, I know that. But it'll never be the same. It will never be like it should have been. Once again, I can't help but feel that Piper deserves so much more. She's settling for something less.

I try to shake the feeling by thinking of her words. _You need to stop pushing me away…_ It helps me to land back on my feet on to return to the present.

"Now's not the time. We haven't even defined what we are."

"Common, seriously? I saw the two of you on each other's lap the other night. Seemed pretty clear to me." Nichols grins.

"You know what I mean."

"Why don't you just ask her?"

"To be my girlfriend? Fuck no."

"What? Too cheesy?"

I snort.

"Because that's what love is like. It transforms us into – in our case – _semi_ -pathetic creatures who care about actual feelings that involve the people we love. I thought you figured that out by now."

"How many times do I have to prove that I love her?"

Nicky sticks her hand in the air and signs to one of the waitresses that we want a refill.

"It's not a question of proving but showing. Let me sell VAA so we can both start over and make choices for ourselves and be with the people we love."

She's making a valuable point.

"I'll let you know when I've made a decision."

"Alright, and now I've had enough of emotional talk to last me a lifetime, you trying to trick me into talking girl lately, cut it out." She winks. "So instead, fill me in on all the dirty secrets. You got any yet?"

I shake my head while chuckling. Luckily some things never change.

"What? No witty comeback? Does that mean I got it right?"

I still don't answer. I just hand the waitress some cash and drink from my second beer.

"Oh come on Vause, you're such a lame-ass these days."

"As if you would tell me about your sexcapades."

"Aha! So there has been some action in the sack! See, I knew it. You know how? Cause I got a nose for such things."

"Sure, you don't mean fingers and a mouth." I chuckle.

"Still such a smartass."

As the evening progresses, I ask Nicky about her plans to propose and am glad to accept her offer to be her best man. I wouldn't want it any other way.

"Hey, it's nearing eleven. I wanna see Pipes before she goes to bed."

"Lame! Besides, isn't she asleep by now?"

I decide to send her a text to verify Nicky's suspicion. After twenty minutes I still got no response.

"See, she's probably sleeping so there's no reason for you to leave yet."

"Nick I'm getting tired and I just –"

"Holy shit!"

People from surrounding tables stare at us with questioning looks.

"What? Nichols?"

Nicky starts laughing uncontrollably.

"What the fuck?"

"Sorry Vause. Just look at the bar."

It doesn't take me too long before I figure out why she's so amused.

"That's Amber right? The girl you ditched in Boston."

"I didn't ditch her. She flew back with us."

"Oh, that's right, you didn't. You just called Chapman and asked her to come get ya cause sexy pants over there wasn't good enough anymore."

"Ugh, I so hope she doesn't see me."

"She probably will, remember how no one can work themselves past your attractive forces."

"Oh shut up!"

I must have yelled that last line a little too hard with my stupid drunk brain cause not only do the girls at the table next to us turn their heads but a familiar red head at the bar must have recognized my signature gravely voice. It doesn't even take her three seconds before she spots me. She excuses herself, gets away from her friends and sways her hips as she walks over.

"What a pleasure to run into you Alex."

"Likewise." I try to sound friendly.

Amber and I never had a fight when we parted ways, so I know she's just being polite. As I'm thinking this, she pulls out a chair from the table to our right and takes a seat next to me. I wasn't expecting her to stay. I thought she was just coming over to say hi.

"Hey, Nicky was it, right?"

"Yeah, hi. What brings you here?"

"Just hanging out with some friends, we're going to a club later. You guys wanna join? You know there's always room for more bodies." Amber directs her last line specifically towards me.

"I can't. My girlfriend, Lorna, is waiting for me."

"Same." Short answers make little room for error, or so I think.

"What, you two sharing the same girlfriend now?" Amber giggles. "That's awfully adventurous of you Alex. Could've invited me to join you and that blonde, remember Boston?"

I sigh. "Look, I told you back then that I was only interested in something casual."

Amber puts her hands on the table. "Why don't we all share a drink, just as friends to clear the air."

I know I should just say no and leave but somehow my intoxicated brain decides that nothing can go wrong. And since Piper is asleep, I'm not keeping her up. Just for good measure I text her, so she doesn't worry if she were to wake up.

"Alright then, one drink and then I got to leave."

"Great!"

Nicky looks at me as if to say she knows this is bad. She doesn't get a chance to talk to me about it cause soon Amber returns to the table with a tray full of shots. They're mostly tequila as I can guess by the slices of lime and the salt.

"Come on you guys! A little more enthusiasm, we only live once right."

She hands us both a shot and before we know it the liquid is running down our throats.

"Woohoo!" Amber shouts.

When she came over, I was convinced she was sober but now she sits so close, I can look in her eyes and spot the blown pupils in a second. I know she told me she liked to do a line when she was younger and went out. I can only guess why she would do such thing now.

"So Alex." Hiccup. "Tell me, did you and the blonde get back together?"

"We did."

I know I should probably stop. There are still a few shots on the table and when I see Nicky taking another one, I decide I can't slack. I don't want to let her down.

"You know Alex since you left, I relapsed, I had a panic attack."

Nicky seems to sober up at this statement. "Look Amber, I don't know anything that happened between the two of you, but you must know this is not Alex's fault."

"I'm not saying it is her fault. I just want her to know that she can still talk to me about it. Piper doesn't understand her in a way that I do. She doesn't even need to know about it."

I need another shot to process all this. When I reach my hand out Nicky beats me to it.

"I think you've had enough."

"Says you." My words slur.

I fight with Nicky over the shot. The glass falls on the table and I must keep my anger inside.

"Howley shit you guys, if she wants to drink let the woman drink."

I fall back in my chair and decide to buy another beer before I head out.

"Amber I'm sorry about the whole Pipes thing ok, but I love her and we're working things out."

"That's okay, just remember there are other people who want to look out for you."

Amber fills me in on what she's been doing since her return from Boston. When my drink is almost finished her friends shout her name from the other side of the bar.

"You sure you don't wanna come."

"Nah we're good." Nicky specifically speaks for the both of us.

"Alright, I hope I'll see you again." She stands up and before I know it, she's placed her arms around me and kisses my cheek.

From the other side of the table Nicky's eyes widen.

"Bye Alex." Amber waves as she walks out.

"Vause what the fuck?"

"What?"

"You let her throw herself all over you."

"That's not true."

"Yes, it is."

"She just gave me a kiss on my cheek." It's hard to think with the start of a raging head ache on the front of my skull. I lay my head in my hands.

"Alex please, she's been drooling all over you for half an hour and I know for sure if you followed her to a club, she would have been fucking you while you were passed out on the bathroom floor."

"Why are we talking about a hypothetical situation. Look, I'm gonna head out. I had a fun night with you, gotta do it again another time."

"Whatever you say."

The way we leave is a bit uneasy after Nicky's comment. We just step outside of the bar and hail a cab in silence before we say goodbye.

…..

I roll over immediately and squint my eyes. Trying to peek through my tear stained eyelids proves to be difficult. I seek comfort after another one of those dreams in which I relive Alex's funeral. This one felt so extremely real cause for the first time I saw her pale body in the dark cherry wood coffin.

I seek immediate comfort and reach out in the dark. My hand searches for Alex.

Nothing.

The mattress is cold. Sheets and cushion untouched.

While controlling my panic I grab for my phone and read the time, 4.15am. The display also shows 4 texts, all from Alex. Every single one makes me question even more how shitfaced she must have been last night.

 **[Alex]:** Almost on my way back, you still up?

 **[Alex]:** Nick jus poured another shot, might be a while

 **[Alex]:** Gon leave now

 **[Alex]:** Sorry, wasn me. On m way

Normally I would be very amused and would screenshot these to fuck with her later but seeing how drunk she was and the fact that she didn't come home raise my panic levels to a maximum. Alex and drunk is not a good combination as of lately. With my phone in hand I get rid of the covers and throw on the first shirt I find on the floor. I plan to get to her apartment as fast as I can to check if she's there.

When exiting the room my eyes fall on the small lamp that's on in the kitchen. I'm certain I didn't leave it on. Hoping for Alex to be in proximity I scan the room. I see her on the couch, laying on her stomach, legs splayed apart and one hand on the floor. Relieve washes through my body and I can finally breathe.

She must have been so drunk that she passed out the minute she stepped inside. She's still wearing her black jacket, jeans and leather boots. She really wasn't in the mood to get comfortable.

I want to do the effort for her and approach the sleeping beauty. I remove her boots. The jacket and jeans are a no-go as I know she'd wake up.

I'm still a bit shaken up and want to be in her company, so I decide to just ignore the smell of liquor and move my covers and several cushions from my bed to the front of the couch. I roll myself into the blanket and lay my head on the cushion.

Although it's not ideal at least now I'm able to hold her hand and hear her soft snores.

I promise myself to call Nicky in the morning. I don't want to meddle in her life but when she comes home so drunk that she can't get herself to bed I know something is up. Also, Nicky can expect me to be angry with her, I trusted her to keep Alex in line.

This exact reason is why I'm still so afraid. I know I have her back, she's here physically but every other day there is just something that makes her angry or makes her believe that she needs a drink before she handles her issues. I've been contemplating if I should make a one on one appointment with Patrick to discuss my concerns.

I also don't know how to take that she still hasn't read my letter. I know she left it on her side of the bed at her apartment. If it were me, I wouldn't be able to contain my curiosity and would have ripped open the envelope in a minute. Maybe that's another problem, she's afraid of what I wrote.

Even in her state of unconsciousness, Alex squeezes my hand softly. I position my head deeper into the cushion and try to make my head empty. This is not an appropriate hour to ponder over all these questions and insecurities.

I thought I wouldn't fall back to sleep but the fall and rise of her chest proves to be my ticket to a deep sleep. The caressing touch of her thumb takes me into another universe.

…..

When I wake up there is another body spooning me from behind. The zipper of her jacket pokes into my side.

"Alex." I mumble.

No answer.

"Alex, let's get to bed." I turn around and move her hair out of her face. Her forehead is all scrunched up.

Finally, she makes a prehistorical sound and stretches out her arms above her head.

"I'm perfectly fine laying here."

"You may be, but my hip is having a bad relationship with the floor. I'm afraid I'll get a bruise."

"Then lay on top of me." Always the practical one.

She makes me chuckle. "I'm sorry _darling_ but you my dear first need to get a good shower and brush your to teeth if you want me."

"I didn't mean to have sex. Just, lay with me."

She makes me all warm inside. "Okay, but please let's move to the bed so we can be comfortable."

It takes her five minutes of building courage before she helps me gather the cushions and cover. Soon we're back to bed and she falls back to sleep in my arms.

…..

After an hour of laying awake I leave her in bed and go into the kitchen to make coffee. When I had two cups she's still not up so I decide to go for a run. I leave her a message on the counter.

I return after an hour of sweating. I go straight for the bathroom but find it to be occupied by Alex. After three knocks on the door she answers.

"Hi Pipes." Her voice is raspier than usual.

"Good morning Alex."

To not invade her privacy, I don't walk into the room unannounced. I hear her shuffling around and keep myself busy by picking out an outfit to wear. After a minute she opens the door.

"The floor is yours."

"Thanks." There is a skip in my walk as I approach her. The bags under her eyes don't make her any less beautiful.

She lays her hands on my waist and kisses my lips.

"You taste minty."

She chuckles with that deep sound I love. I've thought about recording it about a thousand times so I could play it on repeat whenever I miss her.

"You taste salty. Had a great run?"

"Yeah, you still not interested in joining me?"

"Sorry babe, I got other priorities."

I walk into the bathroom and leave the door open as I hop into the shower.

"How was your evening with Nicky?" I speak above the volume of the water.

"Great, we had a good time."

This was not the answer I was expecting since she told me Nicky wanted her help. "Yeah, you had a good talk?"

"Mmm." She hums.

She knows I'm fishing for answers.

"She wants to sell VAA."

"What?"

"She says she wants to spend more time with Lorna and it's time to let that part of our lives go. There are too many bad memories."

I turn the water off and step out of the cabin. Alex is leaning against the door and hands me a towel.

"Thanks." I start to dry myself off. "And how do you feel about it?"

"I don't know actually. Maybe she's right, maybe she isn't."

"You got a little time to think about it." I put on my bra and panties and see how Alex averts her eyes.

"Yeah well, Nicky made it clear she needs an answer as soon as possible."

"Why such a rush?"

Alex shuffles on her feet. "She's just done with the place. She really wants to move on. And since I still don't have any interest in going back, I think it might be best to just give into her request."

When I'm fully dressed, we both walk into the kitchen. Alex takes a seat at the counter and I make another pot of coffee.

"It's your decision Alex. You know you're always welcome to come work for me. I'd actually love that." I smile.

"Thanks Pipes but that's your thing. Not that I won't enjoy it, but I want more than that. I always need a lot of stimulation."

My eyebrows raise at her confession and can't help but feel a tingling feeling.

"Piper." She shakes me out of my daydream.

"Like I said, think about it."

Alex peels an orange and hands me a few pieces. "I think I'm gonna do it."

"Sell the place?"

"Yeah, it's the easiest way to gain time to work on myself."

"That's a brave decision Al." I walk up to her and wrap my arms around her from behind.

"Thanks Pipes."

"You know, I missed you last night." I whisper in her ear.

"You did uh?"

"Yes."

Alex turns around in her seat and lays her hand on my cheek.

"I'm sorry I came home drunk. I didn't mean to, it just…I don't know, I guess I didn't know how much I could take."

I don't believe her fully but decide to let it slide to not ruin the mood. I lean in and place a soft kiss on her lips.

"Have you decided when you want to go to dinner with your mom?"

"Maybe tomorrow? I want tonight for us."

"That's a great idea."

We continue to kiss for a while but mostly enjoy the comfort our bodies bring when joined by the other. We work in total sync which reminds me again why I love her so, so much.

 **A/N**

 **I'm sorry it took so long but my health hasn't been the best. Thank you to the ones who responded to my message and wished me well.**

 **Nevertheless, I hope you still loved to see an update. Let me know what you think, I'm open to hear any suggestions. I always have a plan in my head but can always implement some things you'd like to see happening. I hope to hear from you guys. -Alex**


	30. Set expectations

**Chapter 30: Set expectations**

"I thought you said you wanted to spend the day at my apartment."

Piper drops her bag in the trunk of the car and takes a seat in the passenger's side.

"You heard wrong kid, I said I wanted to have the day and evening to ourselves. Not that I wanted to waste all my precious time with you laying on a couch watching a series."

I start her car and pull out of the parking lot. My answer seems to satisfy her for an additional five minutes until she continues to ask these annoying yet totally predictable questions.

"But where are we going?"

"Jesus, can't you just go with the flow for a second." I stifle a laugh.

"It's not like you can blame me Al, you've known like forever that I can't handle surprises." Piper folds her arms like little kids do whenever they don't get their way.

"Loving the attitude babe."

She reaches over the hand rest and lays her hand on top of mine.

"You don't have to sweat for too long. It's a short ride."

"But we couldn't have taken a cab or public transport?"

"What is this? Twenty questions?" I chuckle. "I wanted to drive."

"Or, the place is so remote that you're taking me there to kill me because you've decided you've had enough of my behavior."

"Shit, you got me Pipes."

I intertwine our fingers for a few seconds until I need my hand to switch gears.

"Can I put on some music?"

"Sure."

She busies herself by switching radio stations every few minutes whenever a song isn't to her liking.

"Oh this one is so good!" Piper shakes her head and quietly sings along.

" _I must have been through about a million girls  
I'd love 'm and I'd leave 'm alone"_

The lyrics immediately remind me of the earlier days in my existence. I turn up the music and join her by mouthing the right words.

" _I didn't care how much they cried, no sir  
Their tears left me cold as a stone"_

And then we look at each other and sing much louder.

" _But then I fooled around and fell in love  
I fooled around and fell in love"_

My voice cracks due to the loud volume as we repeat these last lines. Piper once again reaches for my hand. We share a brief smile and I bring our connected hands to my mouth, kissing hers softly.

We continue to sing until the song comes to an end. The moment ends perfectly cause when the last notes come through the speakers, I turn into a parking space and turn off the ignition.

"Alright _lover_. Here we are."

"A sailing club?"

"That would be too predictable no? I have something much better planned."

We both get out of the car and I recommend Piper to leave as much of her stuff inside of the vehicle. She spends a few minutes debating, more with herself than me, whether she should bring anything at all. She drops everything in the trunk and only takes her rain jacket with her after I alert her of the clouds that don't look too trustworthy today.

My arm takes its preferred position around her hip and I guide her towards a sketchy looking booth by the water.

"Hey Alex! Long time no see."

"Can say the same 'bout you Jeremy."

A guy in his mid-forties with long blonde wavy hair greets us.

"Heard from Nichols the other day that you were back, couldn't believe my ears."

"Yeah, about that, I think you might need to look into another company to maintain your servers. We're selling the place."

"Really? She didn't mention."

"We hadn't discussed it yet but right now we feel like we have other priorities."

Jeremy side-eyes the blonde next to me.

Piper looks lost by my side, so I strengthen my hold. "Jeremy this is…" I'm stuck at my choice of words.

"Hi I'm Piper. Alex's friend." Piper takes a step forward and shakes hands with one of my customers.

"I knew I recognized you. Alex must have shown me a picture few years ago."

"Why wouldn't I? I mean, look at her. Isn't she beautiful? You'd have to be stupid not wanting to show her off." My comment confirms Jeremy's suspicion that Pipes and I are much more than _just friends e_ ven though Pipers introduction seems to state the opposite.

"The same could be said of you." Her cheeks turn into a red mess.

"So, what brings the two of you here?"

"I wanted to know if you got a jet ski I can rent for a few hours."

"Yeah sure. They're not all in use. It's a quiet day, which you could've guessed by looking at the sky. People don't like to take the risk to get wet when the sun isn't out."

"That's perfect. Not too much traffic on the water then. Would you be able to watch my belongings, so I don't lose 'm?"

"Sure, no problem. Let me grab the keys and you're good to go."

When Jeremy walks from the booth into the main building Piper turns to me.

"Alex." She whisper-shouts.

"Yeah?"

"Are you out of your mind?"

"What?"

She seems to be terrified. "I've never done that before."

"Done what?"

"Rode a jet ski."

"Awh babe, there's nothing to worry about. You can just grab onto me."

"You sure it's safe?"

"When have I ever brought you in danger?"

Piper looks at me as if to say _"Really Alex?"_

"Okay sorry, that was a stupid question." I chuckle. "But you can trust me. I just thought we could use a little adventure and see the city from another point of view. On the fun side, you can enjoy riding the jet ski with my breasts pressed into your back. Feeling how my nipples become erect due to the excitement." I whisper the last part in her ear.

Piper crosses her legs and I know she must be clenching a certain part. In the corner of my eye I see Jeremy returning so I quickly wink in Piper's direction. When Jeremy reaches us he hands me two keys.

"Here you go."

I only take one. "I think Pipes would want to ride with me. She's kinda scared you know."

"Fair enough."

We all walk to the water and Jeremy points us towards one of the machines. He hands us the instructions although I don't really need them since I've rode a jet ski plenty of times before.

"Hop on whenever you're ready. Enjoy the view ladies!" He waves us goodbye.

On the handles of the device hang two life jackets. We each put one on. When I turn around it doesn't take an idiot to see that Piper is starting to tense up.

"Hey." I take both of her hands in mine. "I need you to trust me. Today is all about comfort and freeing ourselves from our worries. We're going to do something wild and carefree. It's okay to let go sometimes and to just be in the moment. This is us doing exactly that. So just hold on and try to enjoy the ride."

I take the few steps down the staircase and throw my leg over the jet ski to sit down in the front. I reach my hand out.

"Come on. We can do this."

She takes a deep breath before she throws her legs over the machine and pushes her body impossibly close against mine. It's not something I mind one bit. In fact, I really enjoy the intimacy her proximity brings.

"Let's put this baby to work."

The engine roars to life when I turn the key and when I press the right handle we shoot out of the dock in a fast pace.

"Whoa Alex!" Piper grabs onto my stomach.

Her arms lay rested just underneath my breasts and I feel how she presses a cheek into my back.

"You okay there?"

"Yeah I'm fine." The tone of her voice doesn't sound too convincing, but I just continue our ride.

The first ten minutes I let her get accustomed to the speed and buzzing feeling of the engine between her legs. As soon I feel her hold on me loosens I rapid our pace. The jet ski bounces on top of the water and strengthens the power of the wind that blows in my face. There was no way I was leaving my glasses because then I'd actually be blind, so I just deal with the occasional drop of water that splatters on my lenses.

After a particularly harsh bounce Piper screams out behind me. The screeching sound scares me at first, thinking that I may have overdone her but when the wind blows in the right direction I'm able to hear the words she's yelling into the sky.

"Fuck yeah! This is awesome!"

Relieve washes over my body and I join in on her enthusiasm.

"Woo Hoo!" We scream in unison.

"This is fucking fantastic Alex!" Piper brings her mouth to my ear.

"I told you babe!"

I decide to speed up once more and make harsh spins and turns.

"Jesus Christ!" Piper laughs behind me.

Another ten minutes go by before I slow down the machine. We're floating on the water with the tall buildings of NYC on our left and right.

"Your turn kid." I look at her over my left shoulder.

"What?"

"Come on, I know you can do it."

"I don't know… You're so good at it why don't you continue?"

"I want you to experience the same feeling I get whenever I'm in control of the machine. Taking as much speed as possible and covering so much distance that you forget where you're going. Let's be here together." I brush her messy hair out of her face and take her head in my hands. "I believe in you."

"Okay."

"Yeah?"

"I'll do it. But I can't promise that you'll get off this machine alive."

"I think I can handle the risk." I place a soft kiss on her lips and switch places.

"What do I have to do?"

"Didn't you listen to Jeremy's instructions?" I mutter against the delicate skin of her neck.

"I was convinced you were going to drive the whole time."

I take her hands in mine and demonstrate how to use the jet ski.

"So just turn on the ignition, press on the right handle to go forwards and left to brake. That's all you need to know."

"Alright, you ready to die Al?"

 _As long as I won't have to do it alone,_ I think to myself.

Piper masters the driving pretty quickly and I wouldn't have guessed it beforehand, but she experiments by turning and bouncing quite heavily to test how far she can go.

"Easy babe, I don't want us to drown."

"Where did my adventurous babe disappear to?" She challenges me.

"So you're saying I lost all my coolness?"

"I might have to look for someone that can keep up with!" She yells from the front.

"Oh yeah?" Challenge accepted.

I know I only pulled it off one time on one of my travels to Bali but if I have to prove to Piper just how much of a daredevil I am I have no problem showing her by doing a dangerous trick. I wait until she's on full speed to put my hands on top of her shoulders.

"What are you doing?" She slows down.

"Just keep driving!" I push myself into a standing position.

"Alex get down!" Unlike I thought she would, she doesn't change her speed.

When the time is right I drop one hand and only use my left as leverage.

"You're mental!"

"No, I'm being _adventurous_!" I loosen my hold on her shoulder and lean my body forwards until I'm able to spread my arms wide.

The feeling I get is overwhelming. As if I'm flying. I breathe in deeply and for a second, it's as if all my insecurities and worries are blown away by the wind.

"Al! You're bat shit crazy!"

I chuckle but continue to reel in this freeing experience.

"Woo hoo!" I yell repeatedly.

My glasses start wobbling on my nose, so I must sit down in order to not lose them.

The rest of the ride we enjoy in silence until Piper drives us back to the docks.

…..

After our little adventure we spent the evening eating a salad and pizza in a local diner. As we now walk through the front door of her apartment, she reminds me about how she felt so alive and connected during our ride on the water.

"Really Alex, that was insane! How you pushed yourself into me to stand upright."

"I know."

"And then you spreading your arms like an eagle, that was magnificent. Thank you so much!"

"You're welcome babe." We both smile and put our shoes and coats away.

"Can't wait to see Polly's face when she hears."

"You're making it seem as if it's the best thing that ever happened to you."

"Well, it is definitely something to cross off my bucket list."

"You have a bucket list?"

"Don't act so surprised." I follow her into the kitchen and she offers me a glass of water after she fills one for herself.

"Well I am because you're the one who told me in the beginning of our relationship that my bucket list was a _waste of time because I'd never be able to do all those things_. You were wrong by the way, we fulfilled all my desires but one."

She looks at me with a strange expression. "Which one?"

"As if you don't already know Pipes."

"I don't, otherwise I wouldn't be asking. I'm many things but dumb ain't one of them."

"Some of us would argue with that."

"Fuck you!"

I kiss the top of her head as I walk past her straight into the bedroom. I throw myself on top of the covers and swing an arm over my eyes. There's no way I'll admit it but today took a lot of me. Letting go of and welcoming so many new emotions wrecked my body. If Piper weren't the little energy bomb that she is I would have fallen asleep five minutes ago.

"So, what now?" Piper lays herself next to me and rolls onto her side. She caresses my cheek.

"You think I planned everything from A to Z?"

"I'm still hyped from the day, there's no way I can fall asleep. Also, it's only 9pm, when did you become so old?"

"Old?" I'm slightly offended and roll over until I'm on top of her. My hands lay next to her head.

"Yeah." Her warm breath tickles the sensitive skin of my lips.

I feel how we're climbing, getting to the point of intimacy. An impending promise is luring. Transforming our bodies into puddles of skin wherein it's impossible to detect where one of us ends and the other begins. The connection we built today left us both hungry for more, in search for that moment in which we can just _be_.

Piper bores holes into my eyes. She stares so deeply I almost feel the urge to look away.

But I don't.

"Pipes…"

One of her hands runs smoothly through my dark tresses. There's pure lust in her eyes. There's no way I can unsee the stormy weather that's brooding behind those blue orbits. She uses her index fingers to massage the soft skin beneath her fingertips. I sense she's about to lean in, but before I know it I pull away and nuzzle my nose into the soft skin of her neck. Trying to find safety…

For the next fifteen minutes the only sound that can be heard is the rise and fall of our breaths. I can only imagine what she's thinking.

"You asleep?" Her breath hitches as she asks the question.

"No." My voice cracks as it reawakens.

Somewhere in the distance a car honks and I let myself get carried away for a second time in the arms of my lover.

"Al?"

"Hmm?"

"I can't be your friend."

My heart drops. I remove my head from the crook of her neck and roll onto my side. She mimics my position and reaches out to touch my shoulder.

"What do you mean?" Vulnerability slips into my voice.

"I can't _just_ be Piper…" She swallows. " _Alex's friend."_

My heart thumps uncontrollably. Earlier today, she surprised me when she introduced herself to Jeremy with the exact same words. But I understood where she was coming from. We never discussed it, never dared to touch the subject.

"I don't want you to." I bring my face closer to hers.

"Good." She hesitates, as if she wants to continue the conversation but something undefined is holding her back.

"It really wouldn't be fair considering I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else."

"I love you to."

It brings a smile to my face. "Then why don't you ask the right question."

She pushes against my shoulders until I'm on my back and she's able to straddle my hips. Her soft hands land on both sides of my cheeks and she leans in until her lips are only a few inches away from sealing the promise we're about to make.

"Alex." A stray tear falls from her eyes. "I never thought I'd be here, asking you the same question you were brave enough to ask me all those years ago. Would you make me the happiest woman alive and be my girlfriend, forever?"

"Might I say that you worried me for a second. I thought you were about to propose after that heartfelt intro."

Piper chuckles loudly and I'm glad I helped to lift the heaviness in the air.

"Alex you're killing me."

"I would be mad to say no to the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you Pipes, and I want nothing more but for us to be girlfriends again. Forever."

Piper loses another few tears but that doesn't matter to me one bit, I'm the one to lean in to try and soothe her through the touch of my lips.

Piper pulls away after a soft kiss, licks her lips and then pecks mine several times. Her lips stay on mine and she opens them slightly. Suggesting she wants more, her tongue peeks through and tries to find a way into my mouth. I chuckle noticing exactly what's going on and grant her permission. Mouths open and close. Tongues battle until one wins over dominance and the other surrenders wanting nothing more but to be treated with a moist and heavenly touch. Piper tilts her head to the side trying to find more space, as if she wants to swallow my whole face into her mouth.

Our moans increase significantly and for the first time in ages I feel overwhelmingly aroused. I know I should be able to embrace it, to get through all the stages of undressing to ultimately get to the point where we're both naked and caressing what can be touched. My beautiful girlfriend is laying on top of me, giving me the make out session of my life and is rubbing her center back and forth against my thigh. She's getting higher and higher while I'm here getting…

"Is this okay?" Piper is completely out of breath. Her question takes me by surprise.

I want her to put the pieces of the puzzle together since I can't do anything but lie here in silence.

"Al? Is this okay?" The movement of her hips halt when she repeats her question.

Even the feeling of this radiant woman laying on top of me is enough to make me hornier than I've ever been. I want this with her, I want us to be able to experience each other but I can't give her everything yet. I'm afraid I'll panic if I lose my clothes.

"C-Can we…" I lay my hands on her hips and guide her back into her previous rhythm. She rubs back and fourth until she's breathing heavily again, but this time into my neck. She's back into the mood so I encourage her to take off her shirt and bra. My hands land on top of her perky breasts and I massage them softly into my palms. My mouth waters at the thought of putting those sensitive nipples to work under the touch of my experienced tongue.

"Alex." She moans. "Omg." The rhythm of her hips increases and unintentionally her knee bumps into my center.

"Pipes." I rasp.

She looks up into my eyes and I'm sure she can see just how turned on I am. I reach for her zipper and help her to take of her jeans. Soon enough she retakes her position and seeing how her wet panties leave a trace on my own jeans makes me almost come on the spot.

"I need you." Piper takes one hand off her breasts and brings it towards her center.

I slip my hand under the cotton material. Upon feeling how wet she is I start fingering her. One finger slips in easily, it doesn't take much before a second enters her. Instead of going up and down she uses her hips to continue the back and forth movement. It's me who must do the work of pounding into her. When a particular rough movement of my hand occurs, she bites into my neck and sends shivers throughout my whole body. I'm in need to come to.

"Pipes." I moan.

She's not able to respond. Instead a high-pitched noise comes out of her.

"Pipes look at me."

I slow down the movement of my hand with the intention of getting her to look into my eyes but it's of no use seeing how she speeds up the rhythm of her hips to compensate the loss.

"Pipes please."

She removes her head from my neck and kisses me. When she pulls away, she stares into my eyes.

"Mmm." She moans. "What is it?"

The movement of my hand speeds up again because when I look at her, there is no doubt but knowing how much she needs it. Her knee bumps into the right place again and so I groan.

"Fuck me."

The fire in her eyes increases immensely due to my request. It turns me on that much more.

"Pipes please."

The throbbing between my legs is unstoppable and I seem to be on fire. When she positions her knee purposely against my center and rubs up and down, I know I need her to ravish me as to give her and myself that much more extra stimulation.

"You sure?"

I admire her cautiousness and consideration but as I said, I'm on fire and need her.

In order to answer her question, I take her hand in mine and mimic her earlier action. Both of our hands disappear underneath the waistband of my pants. When her palm lays flat against my folds on top of my panties, I retract my own hand and leave hers in the place I want her to be. I stare straight into her eyes when granting her permission to share such an intimate experience. Piper stops all movement of her hips and hops off my thigh.

She lays herself next to me. Our faces are in close proximity and due to the warmth and meaning of this moment I lean in to give her a tender kiss. Piper's inner walls respond and clench my fingers, as if she's trying to take me in deeper. The look in her eye is overwhelmingly loving, she's giving me all the space and comfort I need, silently telling me that I can tell her to stop any time I want.

But I don't need it.

I want her. I need her to make me come. I want us both to share this breathtaking experience. To feel each others skin. To feel the release of breath, the moaning of our names chanted like a mantra. I want her to scream my name over and over as if it's the only syllable she knows. And I, I want her to touch me like no one has in the last few years. I haven't even touched myself because I knew I would be back here one day, and she would be the one to do it. She would be the one to lick and suck on my lips, to caress my folds and pound in and out of my pussy.

With this in mind I softly peck her lips, moaning into the little kisses. Trying to convey my love and adoration for the woman beside me.

When I start to move my fingers again, I feel Piper doing the same. Ever so softly she strokes my folds and traces patterns. My breathing picks up. I know she must have trouble touching me and although I don't feel one hundred percent comfortable, I retract my hand from her panties and proceed to take of my jeans and underwear. My shirt and bra is too much of a step so I leave them on.

"Alex it's okay if you –"

"I wanted to." I smile.

In return I take off Piper's underwear which leaves us both with much more room to explore. She lays herself on top of me and hugs me with all her might.

"I love you so much."

"You're so corny Pipes."

"I don't care."

She kisses my lips and heats up the moment. Our tongues get lost in a battle and our hands roam over each others' bodies. Thighs intertwine and soon we find a pleasant rhythm which brings us both closer to the edge. I love the feeling of her lips leaving traces of her wetness on my thigh.

"Pipes I want to look at you."

We both moan heavily.

"I'm gonna come. Fuck…"

I slip my arm between our bodies and bring two fingers to her opening. She seems to catch my drift and we continue to make love to the other.

"Al…harder."

"Pipes…I'm gonna."

"Fuck me!" She almost screams.

"Together." I ask. "Let go Pipes…"

"Fuck…Alex!"

"Pipes!"

Our shared orgasms rock through our bodies. We shudder and buck wanting to drag out the ecstasy as long as it let's us.

"Jesus Al." Piper breathes into my neck.

Since it's been so long that my body has been treated to such an intense feeling of relieve it seems that I can't come down from the high. I rub Piper's clit a final time before I take her head between my hands and tongue-fuck her with fervor. My legs have a will of their own, they close and lock her hand in place. My velvet walls pulse around her long fingers. She shifts them a little to the side and makes me groan.

"Don't stop." I let go of her lips and encourage her.

"Again?" She smirks.

"You little shi-"

I'm in no position to finish my insult. Piper pushes my legs open in a swift move and starts pounding into me relentlessly. Every now and then she switches from two to three fingers to keep me on edge.

"More."

She kisses me harshly, taking my breath away.

"You want me to fuck you harder Alex?"

I wasn't expecting her to talk dirty, at least not the first time. She knows that her words can make me weak to the knees and wet between my legs.

"Mouth." I buck up, trying to win friction. "Please fuck me with that dirty mouth babe."

Piper looks hesitant. "Are you sure Alex? This is the first time and I don't want to overstep."

"Don't you want to taste me?"

Piper moans louder than before.

"You don't know how much I've missed you like that."

She kisses my breasts and stomach on top of my shirt before she dives between my legs. Once again, I can't help myself but try to gain as much friction as I can. Piper licks and sucks on my outer lips, purposely avoiding stimulating my clit this time around. She's trying to make me experience her talents as long as she can without making me come, but I know it won't take long.

Our shared enthusiasm to relive this moment makes me orgasm that much harder this time around. When Piper comes up her lips are glistening and I kiss her soundless, tasting myself in the process.

I'm still breathing heavily but feel genuinely happy. We both needed this more than we dare to admit.

"That felt amazing babe."

"I'm glad I could help." Piper giggles.

"Knowing you I'm sure you can still use some stimulation." I smirk.

"As much as I would love that, I've seen you yawning Ms. Vause."

"Ms. Vause? Jeez, don't compare me to my mother in these delicate circumstances."

"Ew Alex! Wtf!"

She laughs and tries to get out of my arms. I'm too quick and tighten my hold. It's silent for a while until Piper starts talking.

"Have you read my letter?"

My heart drops and instantly feels heavy. After this pleasant day and evening I wasn't expecting her to bring this up. Honestly, I haven't had the courage to sit down and read what she desperately wants me to, so I've been pushing the thought out of my brain.

"No."

"Oh."

"I've been planning to do it tomorrow. Don't worry."

"I'm not worrying."

"You are though. I can feel it, even in the dark."

"I'm telling you. I'm not worrying."

"Then why do I have the feeling that you want to pull yourself out of my arms after we had this very intimate moment?"

She keeps quiet.

"I don't want to fight with you Piper, please don't get me wrong." I turn a little so I'm able to kiss her head.

"What are you waiting for?"

To get my act together. To feel as if I'm strong enough and not have the potential to break down cause I'm tired of crying and drinking which usually leads to more crying and more drinking. Not that she needs to know.

"I don't know."

"Then why don't you just read it?"

"I'll do it tomorrow."

"That's not how it works Al. I don't want you to read it because I bring it up. I want you to do it because you are interested in what I have to tell you."

"I am interested. You just have to give me a little more time."

"Okay."

She turns around until I'm facing her back.

"I think it's best that we go to sleep. Will you be my big spoon?"

"Oh Pipes, please don't do this."

"I'm not mad at you Al. I just saw you yawning and don't want to keep you up. It's been a wonderful day and I don't want you to push yourself."

She turns back around to give me a kiss.

"I promise I'm not mad. I love you."

"I love you to."

We switch into our favoured positions. Piper holds onto my upper arm with both hands and breathes out heavily as if to relieve herself from all the stress and heartfelt emotions.

"Goodnight Al."

"Goodnight." I whisper.

 **A/N**

 **A slightly shorter chapter this time but it sets the tone for the next one. Until then!**


	31. Never meant to hurt you

**Chapter 31: Never meant to hurt you**

 _The inaudible words and sounds coming through the radio give away the accent of the radio host and reveal the region of Cambodia I'm in. Sadly, the pitch-black fabric of the blindfold makes it impossible to get a single clue about any specific whereabouts. After years of dealing with dealers and criminal masterminds you'd think I'd be able to manipulate my way out of the hole I dug for myself. But as I feel the rumbling engine and two muscular dudes taking place on either side of my slender body, I think it's safe to assume that my time is running out._

 _A drop of sweat runs from my brow down the side of my face. I taste a hint of salt as it slips past my lips. It's quite unreal how in these situations the human body and mind work in synchronisation to achieve a state of hyperawareness. All in order to pick up every detail of literally anything it can get its hands on, like the ticking sound coming from the front. Probably the driver who's drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. Or the smacking sound accompanied by a minty smell coming from the gum chewing guard on my right. Or just noises, smells and senses in general. Over the years I became quite good in picking up the tiniest elements in my surroundings._

" _We're almost at the headquarters." To my surprise a female voice comes out of nowhere._

" _Glad to hear. This one's been a real pain in the ass." The gum shewing guard exclaims._

" _How come?" Another stern voice coming from the front._

" _Had to give her sedatives on the plane from NY, she wouldn't keep calm. Kept screaming for some girl, Priya or something. How we would ruin their lives."_

 _If I were able to, I would kill all these people with my bare hands. I'd start with that guard; Piper isn't just some girl._

" _She should've thought about that before stealing the drugs."_

" _These stupid bitches destroy their own lives and then dare to complain when they're the ones assigned to clean up the mess." The chuckle leaving his mouth makes my blood boil._

" _If she wanted to play happy family with her sin of a girlfriend, she should've thought about that a long time ago."_

" _Exactly."_

 _The rest of the ride I try to relax as much as possible while the unknown people in the car continue to discuss my mistakes and act as if I'm not even here to pick up on their judgement._

" _We're here."_

 _Doors open and close. Nails dig into the skin of my pale arm and slowly drag me away into nothingness. There is only one sentiment running through my being. Utter fear._

"That's how it all began." Fake confidence being the undertone in my voice.

It's not like I'm lying. This is exactly how it went. After leaving Piper in bed I tried to board a plane. But as she, and now Patrick, knows I was brought to a warehouse in NY where they held me for an indefinite period before they transferred me to Cambodia to start working for their organisation. While telling my story I gladly left out the drug and abuse parts. Being as vague as possible being my only goal. There's no need to give Patrick any chances to provoke certain responses from me.

"I must say that you made a lot of progress today Alex. I wasn't expecting you to be so open. How do you feel after sharing?"

"Shitty." A short response should do.

"How come?"

"Look, I've seen and done some fucked up shit in my life, but I've never sat down and whined about it so I'm sure not gonna start today."

"You still believe that coming here is a form of whining?"

I supress the urge to roll my eyes. "I have a sarcastic comment ready, so I guess I'll just keep it to myself."

"We all know we can't choose which cards we're dealt but we're responsible for how we play them."

I chuckle loudly, probably a bit too loud by the look on my therapist's face. "I'm sorry, but that sounded a bit too much like it came straight out of a textbook."

"But it's the truth, right?"

"So, basically, you're saying that I'm responsible for being abducted." This therapy thing seems to turn into more of a mystery by the minute. "That's dark, don't you think?"

"You know that's not what I meant."

"You're saying I should stop running from my _issues._ " I deliberately make air quotes when using the word issues, I never really relate to the word. "Saying I should start processing them."

"What were your past coping mechanisms? And don't bother wasting both of our times with any _nothing can touch me_ speeches. We've been there Alex."

He smiles and winks, which makes me shift in my seat due to discomfort.

"Well, I was going to say I used to suck it all up."

"And what did you do to get rid of stress then? Everyone uses something."

"Yeah? Like what?"

This instant defensiveness is a trait I worshipped in the past. Now it seems like I'm using it whenever I can to hold control over the last bits and pieces of my life. There's this constant inner conflict of wanting to get better without having to share myself and my secrets with others that's making it almost impossible for me to heal.

"I'd rather hear from you."

I hum. "Fair warning, I'm not exactly proud of my ways."

"I'm not judging Alex."

"From a young age I discovered my way with women, so I used sex as a distraction."

"You say when you were young. So, what about when you became an adult?"

"Went to bars, got drunk, picked up girls and sometimes did a couple of lines." I'm glad to see that Patrick's able to keep his facial expressions neutral.

"And how effective were these methods?"

I shake my head repeatedly from left to right. "The women came and went. It's not until Piper came around that I lost all interest in others."

"And the drugs and alcohol?"

"Drugs were nice every now and then and booze gave a nice buzz. But I think you could say none of them really had enough effect."

"And how about now?"

"What?"

"Which method is still playing a significant and fulfilling role in your life?"

"None really."

"Which one still is?"

"I do drink on occasion."

"What's your definition of an occasion?"

"When I go out to a bar." I say matter-of-factly.

"Does this occur often?"

"Once or twice a week." I must remind myself that Patrick is just asking basic stuff. There seems to be this thin line between feeling like I am interrogated or just asked random questions.

"And how much do you drink?"

"Don't tell me you count your drinks." I smirk.

"On estimate?"

"It depends really, but I guess three or four."

"Are these shots, cocktails, beers?"

"I'm done talking about this." I'm quite certain Patrick can pick up on the hostile tone in my voice.

"I'll let you off the hook for now. But I'd like to continue this conversation next session. It's important that we work on finding techniques that can reduce your anxiety and stress. By that I mean methods that don't involve numbing yourself with substances."

I exhale loudly. "Fine. Whatever."

"Since we only have fifteen minutes left, I'm not gonna start digging in your memory. So, is there something you'd like to talk about today?"

"Normally you're the one with the questions."

"Therapy isn't about me. If there is something on your mind, this is a safe place to talk. Feel free to share Alex."

"Well, coincidence or not there is something that's been bothering me the last few days. Might as well ask your advice…" I mutter the last part. I still don't feel completely comfortable talking about my personal life with someone who's not involved.

"When you're ready."

I'm not exactly sure why I want to bring it up but fuck it. Since I'm paying him, might as well use his expertise.

"I'm allowed to talk about my relationship, right?"

"You talk about whatever you want."

"Well, the thing is…Piper handed me a letter."

Why the words feel so heavy when speaking them aloud is a mystery to me.

"One she wrote after she thought I'd died."

And that's when the actual lump forms in my throat.

"Have you read it?"

"No."

It's like I'm physically incapable of opening the envelope. I've tried a few times but so far it was all try and error. I feel like such an idiot.

"What are you afraid of?"

"Who says I'm afraid?"

"You. It's written all over your face."

"I'm not afraid." My voice is harsh, I know it came out a tad too defensive. Alex Vause doesn't get scared by some words written on a piece of paper. I've plenty of other reasons to be scared, her letter is not one of them.

"Then why don't you read it?"

Being the asshole that I am I take my phone out of my pocket, observe that it's time for our session to end and lift myself up from the couch.

"I'll see you next time." I walk straight to the door.

"Alex." It's a miracle Patrick manages to keep his cool in front of me.

"Yes?"

"Take it with you on Thursday. If you want, you can read it here and we'll take our time to discuss it. If you don't, then that's fine to. But bring it with."

I take a brief pause before continuing.

"See you on Thursday." With that I open the door with a swift motion and make sure that I'm out of the building sooner rather than later.

….

When walking into Piper's apartment an overwhelming smell of garlic settles in the inside of my nose. Normally I'd take my time upon entering, pulling my shoes off and hanging my jacket on the hook by the door. This time around though, I drop whatever I was holding and sprint to the kitchen.

"Are you trying to set things on fire?"

Piper doesn't answer me, she's too caught up in whatever song she's listening to through her Marshall headphones.

"Piper? Hello?"

She still hasn't heard me. Her ponytail flings from one side to the other as she shakes her head and murmurs some lyrics. She probably has no idea whatever's been sung. In her enthusiasm she drops a pan full of beans but doesn't bother to pick it up immediately as she concentrates on a high note. Her clumsiness touches me, and my chest feels heavier than before. The earlier lump that had formed in my throat during my therapy session reappears. A single tear slides oh so gently by the side of my nose. I'm quick to make it seem as if it was never there.

Being able to feel her happiness enlightens something so deep and precious that I haven't felt in so long. Yesterday we rebuilt our connection through our lovemaking. Seeing her now, I just can't explain how she makes me feel.

Deciding that I need to touch her I walk up to her and wave my hand in front of her face. She drops the knife she was holding while cutting the ends of some leftover beans.

"Oh hi Al!"

With her hands in the air, being extra careful not to touch me, she kisses my cheek. She dries her hands on a towel and takes off her headphones. Not satisfied with the limited amount of affection I kiss her full on the mouth and express my love and gratitude.

"Hey babe." I whisper against her lips.

Piper seems oblivious to the state I'm in and steps back to continue her cooking.

"How was your appointment?"

I lower my hand into a bowl of cut vegetables and pop a piece of carrot in my mouth.

"Before we dive into that, can you please tell me what god-awful smell hangs in the air?" I chuckle lightly.

"I'm making chicken. See, it's already halfway done."

She says, all proud of herself, and points me towards the oven. I put my hands around my eyes and peek inside.

"I'm gonna open a window." I chuckle.

"What? Don't trust my skills."

"After last night I sure do trust you."

Piper blushes at my admission.

"But still Pipes, how much garlic did you use? After I eat dinner you might not even want to kiss me."

"Lucky for you then that there won't be any time to kiss me." She winks.

"What'd you mean?"

"Your mom and Robert will be here soon."

"She didn't mention it on the phone earlier."

"She probably didn't want to bother you with anything. You know how she is Al."

"She never bothers me."

"So, giant, are you gonna stand there and do nothing, or are you gonna feel like helping at some point?"

"No boss, I'll take a quick shower and then I'll be all yours." A gentle slap on her butt makes her squeal.

I retreat into her bedroom to rid myself of a thick layer of leftover sweat and anxiety.

….

To say Piper's chicken was a success is an understatement. After dinner we called it an early night and fell asleep enveloped in one another's arms.

The next morning, I wake up early and find myself staring at Piper's closed eyelids. She still has some hours to go before she must go to work. When I trace her lips with my index finger it's like lightning strikes my slender body. She looks so fragile yet so unconquerable. A low puff leaves her lips and I get reminded of my conversation with Patrick.

" _What are you so afraid of?"_

I want to say I'm not. Or at least lie and say I don't know.

But I do.

Piper has a way with words. She can put magic to paper and if it turns me into something I don't want I think I won't survive. I've just never associated myself with certain traits. What I mean is, her letter has the ability to finally make me open up. That's why she's so insistent and asks me daily if I've read it. She knows that I react differently to written words, especially hers.

With the courage that I built over the night I slip out of bed, put on one of Piper's robes that reaches halfway my calves and walk out of her room. I contemplate for several moments if it's actually the right time, but with her sleeping and me still being half sleep due to being awoken early I think it's safe to say that I should just do it. Rip off the band aid. Now that I've brought it up in my session Patrick sure is going to question me about it so it might as well read it in a safe space.

Taking the letter out of my jacket I settle into the couch and take a deep breath. It's now or never.

….

" _You'd think I'm crazy_

 _Convince me if I'm wrong_

 _But believe me when I say_

 _I woke up entirely cold_

 _._

 _Feeling out of place_

 _While all is still the same_

 _I try and look around_

 _But there's no such thing as the missing fac_ _e_

 _._

 _My blanket covered body_

 _Walks with heavy thread_

 _To the room without voices_

 _Now it's all conversations in my head_

 _._

 _When there is no clutter of books_

 _Stained by empty cups of coffee_

 _No jackets on the back of chairs_

 _Waiting on my lifting hand_

 _._

 _No keys to be turned_

 _No chuckles to be made_

 _Too much tears to be shed_

 _And absent hands to collect them_

 _._

 _I feel there's no point in being here_

 _When all there's left is emptiness_

 _And me_

 _In me_

 _._

 _But we're trying_

 _Nails digging in flesh_

 _Reaching for bone_

 _Erasing all fears of being left_

 _._

 _The blanket is to be thrown_

 _The books reopened_

 _Jackets to be worn_

 _The resurrection of your soft and unique touch_

 _._

 _The room surrounds me_

 _When I stretch out my hand_

 _I long for you to grab it_

 _So we can do it all together again_

 _._

 _I will get you through it_

 _My love_

 _Get me through it_

 _._

 _All"_

….

 **A/N**

 **I know that this is months after my last post and that this chapter is way shorter but this is all I'm able to do for now. I did not forget this story, it's actually the opposite, but life has been tough on me and still is. I'm not used to sharing personal things about myself on the internet but I'll be honest and share that years of chronic depression are starting to take its toll.**

 **Please be safe, wherever you are.**

 **Thank you for your lovely reviews, they do mean a lot. I love you all. -Alex**


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